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LadySloane

Confused but happy to be here!

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LadySloane

So I'm not sure how to label myself but I'm not really looking to make a coming out to my loved ones, I'd rather just find something to understand how I feel better or to be able to relate to other people :') 

To my friends, I usually call myself asexual/pansexual/bisexual (depending on who I'm with, if they don't know much about asexuality I don't talk about it, same with pansexuality) and I would personnally think I'm a ''demisexual panromantic'' but I'm not really sure about that anymore. I know I do have a low vague desire in sex but it's not something that's missing in my life. I'm satisfied with what I have and I much prefer asexual type of intimacy, even kissing makes me uncomfortable. What is really messing me up is my romantic attraction... 

A lot of people tell me that ''I just haven't found the right person'' but the thing is, I have found the right person. I thought I had a huge crush on this girl, I told her how I felt, she rejected me (but said she still wanted to be friends and heck yeah we're amazing friends, I adore her) and for some reason, when she rejected me, I felt... relieved? Lately I've thought about it more and I realised the only reason I wanted to be in a romantic relationship is because I'm terrified to be alone. But if I have more friends like her - ones who value friendships like I do - I don't think I'm gonna be alone. The thing is, I still dream about romantic relationships and I love romance stories, but I don't know if I would really want to have one. 

Maybe it's just a phase, idk. Maybe I'm too young to be interested (I'm 21) but I feel like ignoring how I've felt for so long is not healthy. 

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kai_mirror

I've asked myself whether it was a phase too, but don't be afraid to accept that our orientations can reshape over time as we go through new experiences!

 

Funny thing is, I've always thought I was "normal", just part of the typical heteroromantic, heterosexual group. I had a lot of crushes and feelings for girls and just didn't want to be alone, just like you!

 

But when I met my best friends, my view on what "love" meant was profoundly reshaped. I discovered that for myself, commitment, physical intimacy and sex wasn't a required part of love anymore. Just showing that you trust, care and understand filled in all my empty holes of loneliness and became my new defining factors for what love is.

 

I found out I was really happy living my life with amazing friends without having relationships, and that's when I found out I was aromantic! (not exactly, @alto helped me figure that out, but ehhh I was close)

 

1 hour ago, LadySloane said:

But if I have more friends like her - ones who value friendships like I do - I don't think I'm gonna be alone. The thing is, I still dream about romantic relationships and I love romance stories, but I don't know if I would really want to have one. 

 

Some good questions to ask yourself would be "what does romance and love mean to you?" and "do you feel that your close friend fits with your definition of love?" As well as "what is it about having a romantic relationship that turns you off/makes you stay away from them?" Perhaps these questions will help you answer why you felt relief after that rejection.

 

I'm glad you found your special friend. They're very hard to come by.

 

It's really good to take your time to understand who you are and embracing your true feelings! Keep exploring! :) 

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LadySloane

Thank you very much for your reply! I really appreciate the questions you've left me with - food for thoughts! Especially that last one! 

I have two friends I would qualify special :3 And gosh I am so very lucky I found them - the other one I feel like many people would think is romantic, because we cuddle, hold hands and give each others pet names, but she has a boyfriend and we're not intersted in being a couple, I feel like she's making it more complicated because  feel like I don't need a romantic relationship anymore to get that kind of stuff XD. And I sometimes think to myself : I really appreciate what I have with those people and I wouldn't want anything more in a relationship... 

However since I do feel like I had crushes I feel like I couldn't possibly be aro..? Can aro people have crushes but have no desire to act on them? 

But thanks! It's always a journey to figure out who we are and I'm glad you found yourself! Your definition of love is definitly one I can stand by. 

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Lichley

Welcome! Well I’d recommend you look into things like Squishes and Queer Platonic Relationships (QPRs) because they sound like something you’d be interested in :) 

chocolate-gran-marnier.jpg

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LadySloane

Aah thank you so much!! They do sound like it! And thanks for the cake :3

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kai_mirror

Hi again @LadySloane !

 

An aromantic person is "someone who doesn't experience romantic attraction" according to the AVENwiki.

 

It's actually still debated what romantic attraction really is or if it's really separate from romantic desire. Having a "crush" doesn't necessarily mean you're romantically attracted to someone; there are many different types of crushes arising from different types of attraction.

 

You may have noticed the terms "platonic attraction", "romantic attraction", and "sexual attraction". They can be confusing because of how they seem to overlap. Everyone has their own definitions, but here are mines (definitely not universal, just my opinion):

 

romantic attraction is a feeling to be with and love someone rooted emotionally (I love them just because I feel it!), physically (I love them for their body!) and/or out of a desire for exclusive commitment (I love them because I want serious responsibility to and from them, and someone to call my own!)

platonic attraction is a feeling to be with and love someone rooted in character (I love them because of the way she treats me!)

sexual/sensual attraction (can be separate or put together) is a feeling to be with and love someone rooted in enjoying sexual/sensual activities with them (I love them because I enjoy physical intimacy with them!)."

 

I see attraction in general as the specific causes of someone loving or wanting to be with someone else. 

 

To answer your question of whether your crushes make you romantic or aromantic, it's best to analyze each of your recent crushes and ask very deeply and honestly, "what caused you to be attracted to them?" If none or few of the causes fall under romantic attraction, it's safe to say you're aromantic like me!

 

Also, it's important to note that aromantics can enjoy and fantasize about romance too! Just because you aren't attracted by romance doesn't mean that you can't desire or enjoy it!

 

Anyone can have crushes and have no desire to act on them, even aros! All it means is that it's a crush that doesn't need to be pursued; there's a difference between "I need them", "I want them", and "I like them a lot but I'm good and don't need more" :D

 

I appreciate my friends so much too that I feel like that's all I need. It's a beautiful, relaxing feeling, thanks for mentioning that about yourself and helping me relate :D

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MichaelTannock

@LadySloane A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like you were experiencing Platonic Attraction, meaning you could be Aromantic.

You could also be Asexual since Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

You might find this often posted image helpful:

zlo2z.jpg

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Rainbow Pegacorn Launch!' cake,

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/196720-rainbow-pegacorn-launch

lul0dlieey6g6qje4tj9.jpg

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LadySloane

@kai_mirror Again, thanks for the replies! I've very sorry to not have replied any sooner, I was at an anime con. 

I do relate a lot to the "I like them a lot but I'm good and don't need more" (I told this exact sentence to my mother the other day, about my ?crush) I really liked this person because they were overall a very kind human being - not only to me but to other as well! - and because we shared a lot of interests^^ I really look up to this person and wish to be a bit more like them.  I was scared they'd tell me ''yes I want to date you'' and I would have to explain to them that I did not want more in our relationship even if we'd call each other a couple ;v; To be honest I'm not sure why I wanted to date them other than fear of being alone and pressure from my peers to ''one day, find the right one''... 

@MichaelTannock Oh the aesthetic attraction describes me perfectly and I adore it! Thank you! I think I have a mild interest for sex but I really don't have ''sexual attraction'', the aesthetic attraction defines me a lot better^^ That unicorn cake is beautiful!!! 

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