Looking for advice

[Otterly_confused]

Hi all!

 

I'm new here and this is my first post. I was shown this direction by someone from another forum and have been reading for a few days; finally I  feel brave enough for dive in.

 

I apologise in advanced if any of my terminology is wrong in any way- I mean no offence to anyone and am just looking for some honest advice.

 

I've been married to my H now for just over a year and we are expecting our first child. We've been together for about 5 years now.

 

Since before we got married sex has been an issue. I want it more than he does. I've tried talking to him about it on a few occasions but he shuts down, deflects or goes into 'sorry mode' (as I call it) where he just apologises for everything but doesn't actually answer my questions.

 

We have sex about once a month, if I'm lucky and feel brave enough to initiate. He has not intiated for a good few years, maybe once or twice he has asked for 'a willy cuddle' but he always seems surprised when I take it further.

 

It was suggested to me that he might be asexual.

 

It has reached a point where I am obsessing about this issue and it is causing other issues in our relationship. I really want to have an honest and open conversation with him where I can have some answers. Is it that he just has no interest in sex at all? Or- as my ever mentally abusive brain keeps telling me- he is just not attracted to me like that anymore.

 

I guess what I am after is advice on how to start this conversation with him.

 

How do I bring up a subject I'm now terrified about? 

 

What should I avoid saying? What should I make sure I do say?

 

How do I get him to open up to me rather than just shut down?

 

I want to have this conversation in a way that leaves me feeling some sort of revolution. Either it's time to go our seperate ways, or it gives us something to work on so I don't feel ashamed of my body with my self-esteem in tatters.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would be most grateful of any input.

[anisotrophic]

Hey, welcome to the forums @Otterly_confused! Have some welcome cake:

 

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles  I think sexual rejection is surprisingly painful and so hard to talk about. I think my first advice is in the form of questions that are valuable to think about first.

 

Firstly, it's worth thinking about other things that might be possible, that you might want to ask him to explore, in case this isn't asexuality. Asexuality seems to be like an orientation: trying to change it is like trying to make a gay man feel attracted to women. Some other things are more changeable. Have your considered other possibilities for your partner: if he is gay? If he may have a porn addiction you don't know about? If he may have a physical or health issue, eg low testosterone or antidepressant-cause loss of libido?

 

It's also valuable to consider, in advance of approaching him, about what you think you'll want, long term if he is asexual. Will you want to try to stay together? If so, what's your current thought on what you hope that marriage will look like, with respect to sex? Do you want to continue to have sex with him? Will you want an open relationship someday?

 

I think answers to those questions underpin how you attempt to discuss this. Have you thought about these things?

[Otterly_confused]

5 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Hey, welcome to the forums @Otterly_confused! Have some welcome cake:

 

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles  I think sexual rejection is surprisingly painful and so hard to talk about. I think my first advice is in the form of questions that are valuable to think about first.

 

Firstly, it's worth thinking about other things that might be possible, that you might want to ask him to explore, in case this isn't asexuality. Asexuality seems to be like an orientation: trying to change it is like trying to make a gay man feel attracted to women. Some other things are more changeable. Have your considered other possibilities for your partner: if he is gay? If he may have a porn addiction you don't know about? If he may have a physical or health issue, eg low testosterone or antidepressant-cause loss of libido?

 

It's also valuable to consider, in advance of approaching him, about what you think you'll want, long term if he is asexual. Will you want to try to stay together? If so, what's your current thought on what you hope that marriage will look like, with respect to sex? Do you want to continue to have sex with him? Will you want an open relationship someday?

 

I think answers to those questions underpin how you attempt to discuss this. Have you thought about these things?

I have thought about all of the above  deeply. 

 

I think (selfishly) what I really want is something I can react to. I was going to say fix but I don't know if that is the right term. If it is a medical condition or a similar alternative, then it is something that- hopefully- my being open about it would make him consider his behaviour.

 

If it is an orientation thing then I think I would feel better about myself. The alternative is that it is a problem with me, something I can change to help. Knowing it is something deeper would help me be more accepting.

 

I know part of the reason this has gone on for so long is my own fault. I'm a crap talker and when we do have a proper talk I never manage to actually put into words my thoughts-no matter how much time I have ruminated over them.

 

I need a bit of courage to just sit down and have the talk. I've been chickening out all week.

 

I have told myself tomorrow morning- as it is the weekend and we have nothing planned.

[anisotrophic]

@Otterly_confused if it is an orientation thing, that is a really big deal. It's hard for him to consider the possibility that this is permanent, if he doesn't know if/how you'll want to stay with him.

 

Having a sense of what you want him to try (get testosterone checked, give up porn, couples therapy with an ace-positive therapist) and whether you want to try to stay together is an important thing to have a sense of. There's no shame in wanting to part ways, no more than a woman should expect to stay married to a homosexual man. But sometimes mixed marriages can work, often with approaches like allowing for non-monogamy. You might want to attempt that.

 

It's obviously especially hard to consider in light of expecting a kid, but still better to discuss it now.

 

(I misread before and thought you'd had the kid already; another item to note is that it's common for men to feel turned off by pregnancy, the thought of the child's presence in your body. My husband never cared about that, but I know that's also a common thing. My husband has no desire but also no repulsions, sex is a physical activity for him that he is capable of agreeing to - with both genders.)

 

I think asexuality is like color blindness: people can muddle through life without knowing they aren't experiencing a fundamental thing others are experiencing. But then, once you realize it's possible, everything makes sense. It's not anyone's fault, and it can't be changed, but it can help a lot when both partners realize how different each other's experience of the world is.

[Otterly_confused]

@anisotrophic that is a really good analogy. I hadn't thought of it like that.

 

I have no issues with the idea that he may be asexual- I think selfishly it would make me feel better.

 

I just want to get whatever it is out in the open and am still puzzled on how to do this. I think I do-as you said- have to go to him with options.

 

Either we sit and sort this out with some sort of positive long term plan going forward that we both agree on.

 

Or I need to consider if this is the way I want to live my life. With someone who doesn't trust me enough to open up about whatever is going through his mind.

[uhtred]

@Otterly_confused

This is a very difficult situation. Many asexual people don't realize that they are asexual because it is not discussed in the media much.   I've been married to a nearly asexual woman for 30 years, and she still thinks that I'm the one who is very unusual in wanting sex weekly or more.   It took 20 years to convince here that sex actually mattered to me.  She is now trying, which I appreciate greatly, but we are never going to have the sort of passionate sex life that I would like.

 

If he was sexually interested in the past, then its possible this is medical or medication related. If not, then its likely asexuality. (to some extent). 

 

I don't have good suggestions, just sad ones.  I usually say you can "leave", "cheat" or "live like a nun".   (a few people can make open relationships work, but I think they fail more often than they succeed. 

 

All the above are extremely painful.  All I can suggest is that you make the above decision with a clear mind.  I strongly advise against waiting and hoping things will "improve". Likely he is hoping the same - in the opposite direction. 

 

 

[Xstatic]

I think that a lot of the time those people who are Asexual but don't realize it tend to try more in the begining of the relationship because they know it's expected.  But once they're in a relationship for a while, they settle in and become more of their true selves.  Everyone plays that game to an extent.  But with Asexuality it really catches a sexual off guard and can feel very personal.

 

Luckily for me, I knew my partner was asexual going into the relationship, so I never felt like I had lost anything.  Though even knowing it going into the relationship, I still had to go through the motions of letting go of my insecurities and talking out all of our comfort zones and boundaries.  However, those keep changing so I have to keep checking back in.

 

There is work involved in being in a mixed relationship.  You have to let go of resentment.  Ruminating will kill any relationship, and it's easy to resent someone who isn't actively engaging in a major part of a sexual's relationship needs.

 

There's no way you can get through this without your husband doing his share of the work.  He needs to be receptive to talking about it, and he needs to address your wants and needs just as he would want his wants and needs addressed.  Mutual understanding and empathy is key to a successful relationship.

[AceMissBehaving]

Talking about asexuality can be hard, especially if he is asexual and doesn’t know it. I’m the ace in a long term mixed marriage, and had zero idea of my orientation going into the relationship.

 

I understand the shuts down “I’m sorry” mode. On this side of it, it would play out like this... you know lack of sex is an issue for your partner, you know you are the cause, but it’s not something you can change, and at least for me at first, not something you even understand yourself. Without the words to describe the feeling, and without a solution, all that’s left is “I’m sorry”, and the shame spiral of letting your partner down, and wondering why something everyone else finds so natural is so hard for you.

 

The goal is going to be to find a way to talk to him without triggering defensiveness. I know you want the answers right away, and can not blame you, but it might be a slow process. My advice is to plan a way to communicate about it when passions are quiet, and to try hard to find language that avoids blame. Maybe try focus on his feelings entirely for the very first conversation.

 

Avoid anything to do with “fixing” to start with. In order for something to be fixed something has to be wrong, and that’s getting into possible feelings of blame and defensiveness triggers. The goal of the initial conversation is figuring out what he’s feeling, possibly for him too.

 

 You might want to start with something about someone else, like “I was talking to someone the other day who’s asexual, and some of the things they said struck a chord with me”, some way of angling it in such a way it shows that you aren’t judgmental about the subject.

 

You say he he initiated cuddles but was unhappy when that lead to the possibility of sex? That’s another thing that was very familiar to me. I enjoy non sexual touch a great deal. It gives me a feeling of closeness and intimacy that sex doesn’t. This used to be a big issue for my husband and me, because for him it was a thing that naturally lead to sex and it not doing lead to frustration. To me sex ruined it and not being able to have that intimacy as a stand alone lead to frustration. Trying to gain that kind of intimacy without any expectation of sex might help him feel comfortable and secure enough to open up more too.

 

I know this advice is very one sided, but it’s just to get the ball rolling. If he’s been feeling this way a long time (and if he’s asexual he has) can make people feel insecure and skittish, so this is largely about finding a way to open the door without him emotionally bolting.

 

He very well may not be asexual, there may be something else at play, but there could be enough common experiences with whatever that maybe and asexuality that this might still help.

 

  

[anisotrophic]

I had more thoughts on advice but erased them; I think they may be premature.

At this point the main goals for @Otterly_confused are to determine if it's true, and – if so – whether both partners are interested and committed to navigating it together.

[Xstatic]

Agreed.  Though whether it's true or not, their needs aren't being met nor are they being properly addressed by their s/o and that poses a real problem in the health of their overall relationship.  Communication needs to happen.

[Otterly_confused]

Communication does need to happen. I just don't know how to bring it up. I've spent all morning feeling sick just looking for an opportunity to bring it up. I'm crap at this

[Xstatic]

Oh I get that.  I do the same thing.  Sometimes I spend like two weeks almost getting a topic out there.  Feeling sick.  Afraid of what I'll hear.  But it feels so much better once you do, because it's not trapped inside of you anymore.

 

I'll start by saying that I have something on my mind that I needed talk about, and that it's serious, and scary, but also important.  Then go from there.

 

People have given you some good advice on what specifically to say.  But my advice: Don't use 'you' statements.  'you' do this.  'you' are that.  It puts someone on the defensive.  Use I statements.  'I feel ___'. 'I've read about__'. And when talking about solutions and compromise use we statements.  What if 'we' ____.  Maybe 'we' can ____.

 

Hope that helps!

[Otterly_confused]

So I did it! We had the conversation.

 

It started as I was getting undressed in some new underwear and he just had no interest at all. I started with the angle of 'I feel that I'm not sexy to you anymore' which I guess is my underlying feeling.

 

He told me I was being ridiculous, that I was beautiful.

I used this as a gateway for asking him to actually listen to what I was saying, not just tell me I'm being ridiculous.

 

I told him how I felt- I didn't use the letter in the end. He has said he thinks that it is the tablets he is on for his anxiety, although I did point out that I felt the problems started before these. He said that he just doesn't feel anything in that way anymore, doesn't masturbate. I askes if this bothered him and he said he just didn't think of it. I asked if he would go to the doc to investigate any issues and he has agreed.

 

He is already lowering the dose of his medication so we have set a date to discuss this again. I asked for this as I explained how long it had taken me to work up the courage to speak to him thus far.

 

I guess we see what happens from here on.