Asexual and/or Asperger's. Please help me understand!

[Hopey]

Hello

 

I need some help, desperately.  I am female, 35 and what can only be described as hypersexual.  I have fallen crazy in love with a man who is diagnosed with Asperger's and I think might possibly also be asexual.  I am not sure though.  Talking with him would be ideal, but he hates those conversations and gets very uncomfortable, bored and irritable.  I try to come from the point of view of seeking understanding and communication, but I am not always sure that it feels supportive to him.  Maybe he just feels attacked?

 

Are there people here who could maybe help me understand more about the combination of being asexual and having Asperger's?

 

I am struggling in my relationship because I cannot seem to stop taking it personally.  It really affects my self esteem.  That and I am walking on eggshells because the physical intimacies that are normal to me are interpreted by him as pressure.  Just the "threat" of something that could lead to a hope for sexual connection makes him very uncomfortable.  I have no idea how to navigate this relationship and I am lost and so confused.

 

Some of the things he has said to me have been contradicted by other explanations he has given.  I think that is okay, though, because over time sometimes people feel differently or see things differently.  The problem I have with it is I come no closer to understanding any of this.

 

He has said that he just has a very low libido, then some months later he says he has a libido but that he has found sex very disappointing and not worth it, he has also said that he just prioritises other things.  Those other things include; reading the news, watching a film, eating a meal, going to the bathroom, needing to fart.  I mean that if he has another "priority" sex is not an option.  At all.  That day.  He likes porn, a lot.  He masturbates, according to him quite infrequently and only when I am away.  I have never been away for more than a week.  I feel robbed if he chooses to use up that precious libido on a solo activity.  We never flirt, we never have any sexual sparks.  From what I can tell what he wants in a relationship is a friend who likes his hobbies and sometimes wants to cuddle.  There is so much more I could say to describe the situation.

 

I do believe him when he says he loves me.  It is hard for him to say it.  He hates expressing love.  When he does, his eyes are full of tears and he looks like he might explode.  It lasts for about a minute before he has to go do something else.

 

I feel hopeless in a situation where I cannot talk with him about any of this because he will get stressed.

 

Sincerely,

 

Lost and confused.

[Philip027]

What exactly are you "taking personally"?

 

I am ace and have Asperger's, but to me they've never really felt connected (and they aren't; many people can be one or the other)

 

There's a distinct chance he views dealing with his libido akin to taking a shit.  It's just something that has to get done once in a while, but it's not really an activity that feels right to share with another person and is usually done more discreetly.

 

The problem is, for most "normal" people (particularly those in relationships), dealing with libido is more akin to having a meal.  Again it's something that has to get done, but many people find it more enjoyable with company.

 

Needless to say, these two mindsets won't mesh well.  It's unfortunate, but that's how it is sometimes.

[andreas1033]

You should both talk about what your expectations of each other are.

 

He probably has rationalised in his brain many things, about you and how you want it to be.

 

Only you two talking about it, will you get it out in the open. You two need to be open about what you are expecting from each other. As he probably is assuming many things about what you need and want.

 

When a male is naturally not interested in sex, he rightly will assume females that like him, will want things from a relationship.

 

For me, you need to express what you expect from each other, and address what he thinks you want.

 

He has walls up, and for you to take them down, you need to talk about what your both expecting from each other.

[Hopey]

7 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

What exactly are you "taking personally"?

I feel that if I were more attractive to him it might make a difference to our sex life together.  He has said that if I had the body of a 16 year old with big tits it probably would make a difference.  It really hurts to be down-prioritised for reading the news.  I have no reason to believe he finds me attractive other than him saying it.  The evidence is very limited.  So I take it personally, even though rationally I do understand that he is just like this.  He has had one relationship before and that had zero sexual intimacy.  He says he has had more sex with me than anyone else ever.  That is supposed to make me feel better, but somehow I still feel hurt.  I have my own issues to thank for that insecurity.  I am trying to work on my feelings of not being good enough.  Trying to see the signs that show he does care.

 

8 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I am ace and have Asperger's, but to me they've never really felt connected (and they aren't; many people can be one or the other)

I know, that is why I phrased the title with "and/or".  I am really not sure if there is a connection but I felt it might help to ask people here.

 

9 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

There's a distinct chance he views dealing with his libido akin to taking a shit.  It's just something that has to get done once in a while, but it's not really an activity that feels right to share with another person and is usually done more discreetly.

 

The problem is, for most "normal" people, dealing with libido is more akin to having a meal.  Again it's something that has to get done, but many people find it more enjoyable with company.

This is EXACTLY what it feels like.  That would be a more "Asperger's" thing than "asexual", no?  Also if you are planning a special meal you do not want to fill up on snacks and ruin your appetite, right?  So I feel betrayed when he would prefer to deal with his libido alone, at the cost of time we could have had together. 

 

15 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Needless to say, these two mindsets won't mesh well.  It's unfortunate, but that's how it is sometimes

This is what scares me the most.   I am already emotionally invested.  I love him and I want to make this work.  I am very open to compromise but without us being able to talk about it and explore our options, I fear it will fall apart.

 

Thank you for your input.  I really hope that through hearing from others I can understand this better.  At the very least I would like to not take it personally.

[Hopey]

3 minutes ago, andreas1033 said:

You should both talk about what your expectations of each other are.

 

He probably has rationalised in his brain many things, about you and how you want it to be.

 

Only you two talking about it, will you get it out in the open. You two need to be open about what you are expecting from each other. As he probably is assuming many things about what you need and want.

 

When a male is naturally not interested in sex, he rightly will assume females that like him, will want things from a relationship.

 

For me, you need to express what you expect from each other, and address what he thinks you want.

 

He has walls up, and for you to take them down, you need to talk about what your both expecting from each other.

I agree with you.  Do you have any tips on how I might get him to want to discuss these subjects with me?  It stresses him a lot.

[Philip027]

Quote

He has said that if I had the body of a 16 year old with big tits it probably would make a difference.

If that's the case, then he either isn't actually asexual (which would be fine, since from what I can tell he's not the one making the claim that he is or might be) or he isn't being honest with you (which is less fine).

 

There's been countless cases described about here in this subforum of supposedly ace people giving statements like "well maybe if you were more X I'd be more interested in sex with you" but inevitably, when the sexual partner does become more X, still nothing changes.  If the person were actually asexual, there would be nothing you can do to become sexually attractive to that person, and any statement of theirs to the contrary is at best them being in denial about their status, and at worst outright lying to you.

 

Quote

This is EXACTLY what it feels like.  That would be a more "Asperger's" thing than "asexual", no?

Idk, I don't think it necessarily takes someone on the autism spectrum in order to be more private about what they view to be their personal matters.  A lot of neurotypical people can be like that; if not about their libido, then with other things (like taking a shit).

 

I have heard many aces here describe their libido in a similar "taking a shit" way, and I doubt they were all on the autism spectrum.

[Karst]

The folks on this thread might be able to help you out:

 

[KiannaKitter]

Ace and Aspie here. I don't know if the two are related but it can be very hard to communicate your thoughts as an Aspie. I find that writing things down is much easier. Maybe instead of talking about how you feel, write letters to each other if that is something he'd be interested in.

 

You definitely need to "talk" this out somehow. Or it will just fester until it becomes resentment. Gotta say though, as an Aspie I hate emotional conversations, I try to avoid that at any cost. I am not proud of it, but I'd just rather not. It makes my skin crawl. 😕

 

What you have with him though seems to be exactly the same thing I want, so I am kinda jealous. I also just want a cuddly friend I can hang out with and enjoy hobbies with. But not ever have sex with. No thank you. 

[anisotrophic]

6 hours ago, Hopey said:

He likes porn, a lot.

I don't mean to contradict potential asexuality, but I'm also calling this out as a classic issue with sexuality in relationships.

It's not that porn is always bad, but I think it can be like junk food? Some people can probably be healthy while eating junk food, sure. But ... nobody will claim junk food is healthy, and for some people cutting it out of the diet is important for their health. Porn is also like junk food in that it's designed to push the stimulus buttons.

My two cents.

[glyders]

I'm the allo aspie in my relationship. My partner is ace.

One of our biggest problems was that physical intimacy was one of the few ways I felt we were truly communicating how we felt about each other. Now it turns out even that was a lie, I'm back to assuming there is some hidden meaning behind everything. That leads to me feeling attacked by all sorts of comments.

I'm high-functioning. All the non-explicit parts of communication is to me like a foreign language - I can work much of it out through conscious effort but it doesn't come naturally, I miss stuff, I often get it wrong, and it is far harder to do it myself than translate someone else.

 

To the OP, I have no intention of suggesting you are to blame, but could there have been some sort of misunderstanding? One or other (or both) of you failing to interpret correctly?

Could he simply be scared? Of getting things wrong or offending/hurting you? Trust me, that can lead to a very negative spiral.

[Marlow1]

@Hopey

 

I do not have Aspergers, I have Total Aphantasia. If you want to know more please read my old posts, they go into more detail than I can here

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

I am not Asexual, I am Demisexual but my Aphantasia means that I cannot visually fantasize and my ability to sexually fantasize is very limited. 

 

I also do not understand flirting very well

 

I have no attraction to porn but I also don't always comprehend what is going on in films. I miss a lot of what is going on and sex scenes often baffle me

 

I struggle with jokes about sex too, I often need somebody to explain them

 

I can go many weeks without sex and not even notice

 

When I am under stress I loose attraction to my wife

 

I do not always recognise folk, even close family and friends

 

I seem to have a level of body blindness

 

I am not always great at reading body language

 

I don't fully understand jealousy either

 

In comparison to my wife I can only recall about 10% of what she can recall about our sex life and other things to do with our relationship

 

Because I sometimes struggle to put myself in another person's shoes I sometimes make inappropriate comments without realising it

 

And the list goes on

 

As you can probably imagine some of the above has affected my relationship with my wife

 

I know that your circumstances are different and that your partner probably does not have Aphantasia. But I want you to know that sometimes when folk have these conditions their minds are wired up differently

 

My wife could give you her own list as to why her mind is also wired up so very differently to mine. Lol. But my point is when we are wired up differently from each other finding a relationship therapist that can help us bridge the gap is often the best answer. We have, and are now, despite our many differences, my wife and I are getting along really well. 

 

Please feel free to message me if you want to know more about how we have turned things around

[MinervaRose]

On 8/8/2019 at 5:07 PM, Hopey said:

Hello

 

I need some help, desperately.  I am female, 35 and what can only be described as hypersexual.  I have fallen crazy in love with a man who is diagnosed with Asperger's and I think might possibly also be asexual.  I am not sure though.  Talking with him would be ideal, but he hates those conversations and gets very uncomfortable, bored and irritable.  I try to come from the point of view of seeking understanding and communication, but I am not always sure that it feels supportive to him.  Maybe he just feels attacked?

 

Are there people here who could maybe help me understand more about the combination of being asexual and having Asperger's?

 

I am struggling in my relationship because I cannot seem to stop taking it personally.  It really affects my self esteem.  That and I am walking on eggshells because the physical intimacies that are normal to me are interpreted by him as pressure.  Just the "threat" of something that could lead to a hope for sexual connection makes him very uncomfortable.  I have no idea how to navigate this relationship and I am lost and so confused.

 

Some of the things he has said to me have been contradicted by other explanations he has given.  I think that is okay, though, because over time sometimes people feel differently or see things differently.  The problem I have with it is I come no closer to understanding any of this.

 

He has said that he just has a very low libido, then some months later he says he has a libido but that he has found sex very disappointing and not worth it, he has also said that he just prioritises other things.  Those other things include; reading the news, watching a film, eating a meal, going to the bathroom, needing to fart.  I mean that if he has another "priority" sex is not an option.  At all.  That day.  He likes porn, a lot.  He masturbates, according to him quite infrequently and only when I am away.  I have never been away for more than a week.  I feel robbed if he chooses to use up that precious libido on a solo activity.  We never flirt, we never have any sexual sparks.  From what I can tell what he wants in a relationship is a friend who likes his hobbies and sometimes wants to cuddle.  There is so much more I could say to describe the situation.

 

I do believe him when he says he loves me.  It is hard for him to say it.  He hates expressing love.  When he does, his eyes are full of tears and he looks like he might explode.  It lasts for about a minute before he has to go do something else.

 

I feel hopeless in a situation where I cannot talk with him about any of this because he will get stressed.

 

Sincerely,

 

Lost and confused.

Dear Hopey,

I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling, that you feel hopeless, lost and confused in this relationship. I'm 37, sexual female, in a relationship with an ace/aspie. No two people and no two relationships are the same, but I just wanted to say I can relate to a lot of how you describe your feelings and responses. I can of course only speak from my experience, and would suggest to learn more about how your partner prefer his communication to start with. I believe you actually need to either talk, write with each other, or something else to work things out. Clarity and open communication has been key for my partner and I. It has been so hard at times, because I've taken things personally that never were personally hurtful from his end. We've created a space where nothing is off limits to talk about, needs and priorities need to be communicated. My partner has had to learn how and why some aspects of our relationship matter a great deal to me, and I've had to work on adjusting and letting go of unfair expectations, or expectation based on preconceived ideas of how things were "supposed" to be. We've both had to take time to learn to get to know each other, and understand each other, and work with the differences.

I also believe you can never force someone to talk with you, to engage in relationship-work etc. Intimate communication requires things of my partner that I've had years to consciously learn, understand and get good at. My partner got the diagnosis "high-functioning Asperger" and acknowleged his asexuality after two years together. These frame of references has given both of us tools to understand the things that can be challenging for him, and in what way it can be challenging. Ace/aspie has been a frame of understanding and to work from for the both of us. The challenge has pure and simple been the differences between us as people, not that he is different on his own, which is important for me to state. I've had issues that I brought to the table, so the challenges was never about one of us, but finding a way to really communicate what was going on, what we needed, and how we could build bridges where there were gaps. It's just really challenging sometimes. I'd also like to say that after 5 years this is the most rewarding relationship we have both been in, it has been a matter of learning how to best communicate so we can avoid misunderstandings that lead to one or both feeling hurt.

I wish you all the best. I hope you find a way to move forward, whatever that may entail for the both of you.

[glyders]

My partner and I write to each other about important things that are bothering us. It ensures the immediate fight/flight is bypassed by allowing processing and digesting in private.

[InvisibleSquid]

Ace/Aspie here, in a relationship with a sexual person. My wife and I have been going through the same struggles, as I've only recently discovered I'm ace. It has made things pretty difficult, because I also don't feel comfortable discussing such things. We've found it much easier via text. We can collect our thoughts better, and be more confident that we're more effectively (hopefully) getting across what we're trying to say. We're still working through things, as is to be expected, but patience and understanding is as important as communication. Hopefully you can come to a middle ground, as my wife and I are beginning to reach ourselves. Oh, and I should mention we've been together 15 years, and married for 12. We have four kids together. Needless to say, my self-discovery has been a bit of an upheaval. Just know that there is hope.

[Marlow1]

On 8/13/2019 at 5:21 PM, MinervaRose said:

Dear Hopey,

I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling, that you feel hopeless, lost and confused in this relationship. I'm 37, sexual female, in a relationship with an ace/aspie. No two people and no two relationships are the same, but I just wanted to say I can relate to a lot of how you describe your feelings and responses. I can of course only speak from my experience, and would suggest to learn more about how your partner prefer his communication to start with. I believe you actually need to either talk, write with each other, or something else to work things out. Clarity and open communication has been key for my partner and I. It has been so hard at times, because I've taken things personally that never were personally hurtful from his end. We've created a space where nothing is off limits to talk about, needs and priorities need to be communicated. My partner has had to learn how and why some aspects of our relationship matter a great deal to me, and I've had to work on adjusting and letting go of unfair expectations, or expectation based on preconceived ideas of how things were "supposed" to be. We've both had to take time to learn to get to know each other, and understand each other, and work with the differences.

I also believe you can never force someone to talk with you, to engage in relationship-work etc. Intimate communication requires things of my partner that I've had years to consciously learn, understand and get good at. My partner got the diagnosis "high-functioning Asperger" and acknowleged his asexuality after two years together. These frame of references has given both of us tools to understand the things that can be challenging for him, and in what way it can be challenging. Ace/aspie has been a frame of understanding and to work from for the both of us. The challenge has pure and simple been the differences between us as people, not that he is different on his own, which is important for me to state. I've had issues that I brought to the table, so the challenges was never about one of us, but finding a way to really communicate what was going on, what we needed, and how we could build bridges where there were gaps. It's just really challenging sometimes. I'd also like to say that after 5 years this is the most rewarding relationship we have both been in, it has been a matter of learning how to best communicate so we can avoid misunderstandings that lead to one or both feeling hurt.

I wish you all the best. I hope you find a way to move forward, whatever that may entail for the both of you.

This is the most helpful post that I have ever seen here at AVEN, Thank you!!! 

[Marlow1]

On 8/13/2019 at 7:10 PM, glyders said:

My partner and I write to each other about important things that are bothering us. It ensures the immediate fight/flight is bypassed by allowing processing and digesting in private.

 

On 8/15/2019 at 5:07 PM, Ace of J said:

Ace/Aspie here, in a relationship with a sexual person. My wife and I have been going through the same struggles, as I've only recently discovered I'm ace. It has made things pretty difficult, because I also don't feel comfortable discussing such things. We've found it much easier via text. We can collect our thoughts better, and be more confident that we're more effectively (hopefully) getting across what we're trying to say. We're still working through things, as is to be expected, but patience and understanding is as important as communication. Hopefully you can come to a middle ground, as my wife and I are beginning to reach ourselves. Oh, and I should mention we've been together 15 years, and married for 12. We have four kids together. Needless to say, my self-discovery has been a bit of an upheaval. Just know that there is hope.

Thank you for posting. Over the years my wife has felt like she is the only person in the world to go through stuff like this. You guys posting parts of your story is helping us a lot