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I helped my wife discover she’s likely asexual - advice appreciated!


raymosh

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This may turn into a long post, and if so, I apologize. 

 

First, a little background: 

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, since we were teenagers. Married for 7 years. We’ve got two young children, our first just starting kindergarten in a couple of weeks.

 

She dated/fooled around with a few guys before we got together, whereas she was my first everything. We lost our virginity to each other.

 

Sex has never really been a priority for her, and she’s always given a different excuse as to why she’s not “in the mood”. Throughout the years, we typically had sex around once every month to a month and a half, I nearly always initiate. 

 

She will want sex every so often, but only when her low libido wants it. She’s never been able or willing to put a number on how often she wants it, but if I had to give my best guess it would be once every few months. If I had it my way, we would be having sex 2-3 times a week.

 

When we do have sex, she says she enjoys it and is left feeling satisfied. I have no reason to doubt what she says.

 

There have been a couple periods of time where she’s wanted it more often, particularly during our honeymoon and for a couple months while she was pregnant with our first child. In fact, for those couple of months during her first pregnancy we found it hilarious that she was wanting it more often than I could keep up with. I largely attribute that to pregnancy hormones giving her a temporarily high libido. 

 

However, since she got pregnant with number two, and continuing after giving birth a couple of years ago, our sex frequency has dropped to once every few months. Obviously with two kids it’s not hard to figure out why it’s gotten worse, but clearly this is heading in the wrong direction for me. 

 

My wife is my best friend. She is smart, beautiful, we have very compatible senses of humor, we are able to see eye to eye on nearly everything, and she is a fantastic mother to my children. I see our relationship as wonderful, with the one big exception of sex. 

 

Over the years I’ve tried to talk to her about our sex life at least a few times a year. About my frustration, feelings of rejection and loneliness, etc. But usually she would become frustrated, and the conversation would turn into an argument because I tried to bring up the topic of sex, or she would bring up an “excuse” as to why she didn’t want to have sex more often, often naming improvements she believed we could make to our relationship, most of which I viewed as valid and worked to improve. But obviously, the sex never came. 

 

A couple of years ago she admitted to me that she felt like sex was a chore, likened it to doing the dishes, and that she occasionally would do the deed with me out of pity. That hit me particularly hard.

 

About a month ago I brought up the topic of sex again, feeling like I was close to reaching a dead end. During that conversation she said something to me that made me say to her, “sometimes you make me think you’re asexual”, when in actuality I had never really given that any thought, and I had very little idea of what that actually meant. She didn’t respond to that comment in particular, but afterwards I felt the need to do some digging. 

 

I researched asexuality extensively that night, and I had the moment of things clicking into place that I’ve seen referenced many times over on these forums. The following day, I brought my theory to her to see how she felt. She had never even heard of asexuality. After some basic questions, and sharing several articles and videos, she confirmed that she feels like it absolutely describes how she has felt all of her life, and never knew there was a name for it or that there were others out there that felt the same way. She has always felt like there was something wrong with her.

 

We’ve only had a couple of brief conversations about it since, both in the couple days after. In one of them, she asked if this discovery doomed our relationship. I assured her that it didn’t have to mean that at all, and that it just meant we would need to have more discussions about it and likely would need to discuss compromises moving forward. 

 

I feel like this discovery has impacted me more than it has her, in both positive and negative ways. On one hand, there is some small relief knowing that she has simply never sexually desired anyone, not just me. Having this knowledge over the years could have saved a lot of pain, but obviously this is nobody’s fault. On the other hand, I worry we’re going to be starting back at square one with this new knowledge, and I already felt like I was nearing a breaking point. 

 

I’ve been wanting to have those discussions, but I know this is completely new and unexplored territory for her. I haven’t wanted to be the one to initiate those conversations, and rather am waiting on her to talk to me. I want to be as patient and supportive of her as I possibly can. 

 

Does anyone have any advice or similar experiences they are able to share? Some suggestions for compromises, when my wife is ready for that to happen, would also be extremely helpful. 

 

If nothing else, I appreciate you guys for being out there and letting me get this off my chest. I have learned a lot about asexuality and I’m sure there’s a lot more I will be learning over time. 

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Wow, I could have written that, except its been 30 years for me, and I haven't told her about asexuality yet.  For me learning about asexuality helped me understand how she feld, and helped me stop feeling like I was a failure because my wife didn't desire me.

 

My only advice is that now that you understand the situation you can decide what makes you and her happy and see if there is a compatibility that works. 

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anisotrophic

Oh no. @raymosh this is very much like me, about 1.5 years ago. :( (We've been together for a decade and a half, and have young children.)

 

My first and largest recommendation is therapy: not to change sexual orientation, but to navigate how this is going to affect you. My partner and I each had therapists at a LGBTQIA+ savvy practice. (Part of this was due to how it unfolded: I was questioning my gender, almost immediately my therapist asks about asexuality.) Mostly it was me. My therapy had been intended for my gender, but was almost entirely about navigating the revelation of his asexuality.

 

My own timeline was an internal implosion ... I mean, I was devastated, we were together but I was so upset and struggling, it got worse before it got better. It took me six months until I felt better than before the revelation. But now, we're really happy. Much happier than before we knew.

 

I think most unhappy couples struggle because one partner has given up already, is bad at communication, and/or negative about therapy. But I think, if working together, a couple can find themselves in a better place than they ever were before.

 

My main recommendation is to get an LGBTQIA+ savvy therapist for yourself first, and do that appointment. (I specify LGBTQIA+ savvy because therapists otherwise often think asexuality can be "fixed", and that's unhelpful/damaging.) Maybe your partner gets one too, but truthfully: it was me that needed therapy the most and that might be true for you too. You may be entering a period of grief and mourning.

 

My other major advice is to keep coming to these forums for advice and ideas. Compare and contrast your situation with others: they aren't always the same, another's experience isn't necessarily your forecast. Ask for thoughts and about others' experiences, get ideas, watch new people in turn, share your own advice.

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Hey guys, I just wanted to say thanks for the support and advice. 

 

@anisotrophic if it’s not too personal, what did you have to adjust/accept before the happiness returned? My concern is having to become celibate. I don’t think I’m capable of that.

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anisotrophic

@raymosh situations are different, so what mattered most for me & worked best might not map (which is where a therapist helps), but here's some highlights...

 

one difference: I wasn't a virgin, nor was my husband. I may have been a bit more of a go-getter? Hah. He'd also had sex with a couple other partners (both genders), but not so much; he responded to people's expectations. I'd always taken the lead, thinking he was just shy. One thing you'll struggle with that I didn't: you haven't slept with others. I'd say... be wary you may have an idealized idea of how much better sex could be. (But maybe not. I can't really tell!)

another: we had an open relationship while dating long distance, and we did each exercise that. (Not much... and um, guess what happened on his end? He says "OK" and then she's disappointed by his lack of interest. They didn't finish. In retrospect I think he feels pretty bad about it. :() So... the "open" card was already on our metaphorical table.

1. When we discovered asexuality, we talked a lot about our experiences of sexual desire were (or... weren't 😕). This built a lot of empathy for each other.

2. Initially I felt unable to have sex with him. But he was worried. He encouraged me to have sex because it clearly meant something to me emotionally. So I did. Decided he was like a prostitute or something. It was, uh, interesting, but the novelty didn't last.

3. I gave up any identity that drew value or self esteem from being desired. Now, I can't imagine anyone desiring me. I know I'm a bit broken in this respect. It hurt like I'd swallowed nails, it hurt for months, it still hurts. "It's like a stabbing pain in my stomach, but now it's less stabby?" I told him. Any time it hurt, I asked him to hug me.

4. I learned to pay attention to other love languages! I try my best to make sure he knows he's loved, and that he's loved for who he is. This has been a huge emotional growth for me. I'm so happy now, I take a lot more joy in my relationships with other people.

5. He said I could date someone else but, haha, who the heck has time for that with young kids?? besides, I'd catch feelings for them, it would be a mess. I resolved to focus on our relationship first. Don't panic. At worst, I can be "single" while living with my super ultra best friend for a while.

6. Even if I didn't take it, the "someday" promise of dating others was *very* important. it's so important to know he doesn't want me to feel trapped. he loves me for who I am, which is... someone that is sexual, he cares about that.

7. I basically never ask for sex anymore. It's still happening? I think? just... according to his physiological response (maybe 3 weeks? 4? he doesn't do any solo). When it does happen, I'm very thankful, it feels very special. (This is probably a motivation for him to offer: to see me feel happy and loved like this. I act like "I don't need sex", but the moment it's offered I cave in. Real fast.) But when it's not happening, I don't pay attention to the possibility: it's OK if it never happens again. (After all, if I'm actually unhappy about a lack of sex, I can go dating.)

8. hugs: still super awesome. every time this situation makes me feel shitty, I get a lot of hugs. I'm really glad he doesn't get defensive, he knows I'm not upset at him.

In the end, the biggest take-home for me was this... Our sexual orientations are part of who we are. To be happy, both partners should feel loved for who they are -- and their orientations are part of that.

It takes two to do that, a lot of communication, a lot of empathy. It might even mean deciding that the best thing to do is part ways -- it's important to remember that not every couple can find a path that works (e.g. not everyone can be ok with "open") -- love does *not* conquer all -- but at least the future will can be filled with caring and respect.

 

Hope this helps! Still think you should get a therapist. The whole thing is a process, you can't do it in a week.

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Yes, I think that therapy going to be extremely helpful. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s really helpful to know this community is here and so willing to help.

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