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What if my partner isn't willing to compromise/meet half-way?


oof001

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Hi, I wanted to ask for ya'll's opinions about what should I do/how should I react when my gray-ace/ace partner isn't willing to compromise for sex? Also, what does compromising in sex looks like in asexual/sexual relationships?

 

Context: My partner generally has low-energy, and partaking in any non-penetrative sex takes a lot of energy from them. Not to mention they're very busy all the time balancing a full-time job and a part-time. they also gets turned off and less likely to want sex when they has to partake in any non-penetrative sex. Also, sometimes, I can masturbate up to like 6-7 times in a day if i felt sexually aroused, but typically i masturbate at least once per day. But for them, it can be rare and can be as low as once every 3 weeks.

 

I wanted to get ya'lls thoughts about what I should do? I don't want to force my partner to do anything they don't want to do, but I also don't want to be unsatisfied sexually. 

 

Also, for sexuals, how have you compromised in your relationship? (if you're in a mixed relationship)

 

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Comrade Kitty

Don't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. That is the main thing. Make sure you have consent. Not false-consent, where you pressure her into saying yes, but make sure she says yes with her whole heart. A key part of figuring something like this out is communication. You have to talk to her and make sure she knows how you feel. In the future, she may change her feelings if she is gray-ace. But she may not. And this might test your relationship but you can't force her to do anything. But if she doesn't change her mind, you have to be respectful of that. But the only advice I can give is to communicate. I hope you guys can figure this out.

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5 minutes ago, AuraKitty said:

A key part of figuring something like this out is communication.

Thanks @AuraKitty for your words of wisdom! 

 

My partner and I have definitely talked a lot about compromising in sex, and what she's willing to do or not. I'm scared that sometimes it won't be enough, and I've told her that too. I've told her that if we're too sexual incompatible, then I may breakup with her because of it. I think it's up for me to decide if our sex life is enough for me, but that's difficult for me to decide what's enough or not. 

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AceMissBehaving

There’s a lot to unpack here but I’ll try.

 

You say she has low energy and is working both a full time and part time job, that would be enough to knock out even the most sexual person. Are there things you can do to take some of the responsibilities that weigh her down off her plate? Things like house work, chores etc.

 

Another thing is even when an asexual person agrees to sex as part of a compromise, they can still have hard and soft limits. If she doesn’t enjoy non penetrative sex, then maybe take that off the table, at least for a while. For eg, my husband loves going down on me, but I hate having anyone perform oral on me so it’s off the table completely.  Compromise goes both ways, and doesn’t just mean frequency, some acts might not be doable.

 

What things does she like? What kinds of things are you able to do for her that replenish her emotionally and physically? 

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I'm the ace in our mixed relationship. Our compromise is to have sex once a week (this is the one we've discussed and tried for when we were able to be together, we're in different countries atm so it's not happening right now) as well as have an "open" relationship. The quotes are because neither of us have acted on it almost at all, it's just to make him feel better about not being trapped in a sexless relationship. 

 

Compromise in mixed relationships are different for each relationship. Some people would find sex once a week to be too often or not often enough. A good compromise is where you're both bending and willing to put up with something they'd rather not for their partner. Some mixed relationships work with one partner compromising and the other not, but from what I have seen, almost none of those work long-term. If i had my way, we'd never have sex. If my bf had his way, we'd be having it more than once a week. Our compromise works because we've found a middle ground. We constantly discuss it and have adjusted it over time.

 

I don't know what it's like to be grey-sexual or your partner, but I would say being unwilling to compromise is not a good sign for a relationship. Communication is key, so if you're not sure then you should talk about it. If you feel she's not compromising, you need to tell her that. It's important for the relationship to work.

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After working a full time job and then a part time job, it is not surprising that your partner has no energy. I can't even enjoy my fav food when I have hectic lifestyle like that. Is there any way you can help her not be stressed? Someone suggested helping out with chores, but I doubt that is enough of a help. Sounds like your partner is under financial stress, so do you think you can help them financially so they can reduce their working hours? Other option is to break up since you aren't really getting your needs met.

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anisotrophic

Mainly just answering the last question...

 

I mostly don't want sex with my partner, or anyone, because it feels unhappy to imagine sex with someone that doesn't desire it & me. I don't think anyone could desire me, so... I don't want to imagine it. Set it aside.

 

Instead I focus on bonding via other love languages. Lots of expressions of love.

 

He initiates these days, maybe once every three weeks, I think basically as often as he would masturbate if he were on his own. I think he wants to maintain the emotional bond with my sexuality, and it works -- but he needs to do some really kind reassurance to rekindle my desire each time, because I'm self conscious and vulnerable. But it does come back, I'm still sexual.

 

That all sounds backwards but it seems to be how we currently handle making each other feel loved for the sexualities we have.

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There really isn't a well defined 1/2 way.   If one person wants widely varied sexual activity every other day, and the other doesn't want sex at all - what is 1/2 way? what is "fair".  

 

There is no answer.  I think the right question is whether there is a compromise that makes both people happy.  If not, then they should not be together.   This requires real honesty and openess by both. 

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13 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

He initiates these days, maybe once every three weeks,

@anisotrophic My partner and I have discuss this a while back, and we've agreed that they will start to initiate, but I know that they want me to initiate too because that's what they like. It's just hard for me to initiate because I get rejected too often. Granted, I can tell when they want to partake and give small hints, but sometimes I'm frustrated that I have to wait for a long time.

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We're talking about bodily activity here, not just going to movies or out to dinner.  Expecting someone to compromise on using their body for something that they don't want or are actually repulsed about, and expecting them to CONTINUE to do so on a regular basis for however many years,  is unreasonable.  They are either willing and capable of making that compromise, or not.  

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anisotrophic
5 hours ago, oof001 said:

we've agreed that they will start to initiate, but I know that they want me to initiate too

I think... it's easiest to not agree anything, just... I prefer to assume it'll never happen. You make it sound like a negotiation.

 

I think I'm really much happier not yearning for sexual intimacy with my partner. I'm... reporting that we *are* still sexually intimate, but each of those moments now feel like an unexpected gift. I don't think they're owed to me, it's ok if it never happens again.

 

Not sure if I'm making sense. He's great at cuddles. :)

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17 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I think I'm really much happier not yearning for sexual intimacy with my partner. I'm... reporting that we *are* still sexually intimate, but each of those moments now feel like an unexpected gift. I don't think they're owed to me, it's ok if it never happens again.

@anisotrophic, I think I get what you mean. Where I shouldn't expect it, but when it does happen, then it feels like a nice gift. Sometimes it's hard to have that mentality, because right now I feel this cognitive dissonance where I know they want me to initiate/ and so do I, but I'm constantly getting rejected.

 

You may be right to just not agree on anything, and to assume it'll never happen. 

 

Also, we love cuddles too so that's really nice!

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Sometimes there is no middle ground. It depends.

I read about successful instances on here, so it is sometimes possible. But if it's like us, any physical intimacy would be more than she can cope with.

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On 8/1/2019 at 6:52 PM, Sally said:

We're talking about bodily activity here, not just going to movies or out to dinner.  Expecting someone to compromise on using their body for something that they don't want or are actually repulsed about, and expecting them to CONTINUE to do so on a regular basis for however many years,  is unreasonable.  They are either willing and capable of making that compromise, or not.  


Am I just weird in that I don't see agreeing to have sex when you don't really want is as a compromise?
Maybe it's a side effect of having been in an abusive (including sexually) marriage for almost 20 years, but to me, it feels like if my lifemate isn't interested, but They do something just to placate me, it makes my skin crawl.  Like if They aren't 100% on board/into it, I don't want Them to do it, you know?

Sure, this dry spells sucks (It's been over 1.5 years, and our 7 yr anniversary is later this week but there definitely won't be any anniversary sex haha), but being with Them means accepting who They are (poly and ace) even if I'm not terribly keen on it because I'm monoamorous, but my libido is fairly high.

I decided the sheer awesomeness of who They are, and the relationship we have is worth trying to figure out ways to cope with the disparity in libido

Spoiler

(spoiler - I haven't found any haha other than just heave a sigh where They can't hear me and hope my girlybits don't turn to dust)

 

I get that "just deal with it" isn't always an option, but I also can't wrap my noggin around the idea of having sex just to placate someone (I mean I did it for decades but that was a survival mechanism)

 

 

On 7/31/2019 at 10:32 PM, oof001 said:

I've told her that if we're too sexual incompatible, then I may breakup with her because of it.


This rubs me the wrong way - I mean I'm ALL for honesty and such, but the way this is phrased just kind of seems... I dunno... manipulative? Like someone threatening divorce when they don't get their way in a marriage? I'd be concerned it would make someone feel like they HAVE to do something they don't want to do or get dumped.
It's OK to recognize incompatibility, but it almost comes across as pressuring someone into something?

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1 hour ago, Kyriee said:


Am I just weird in that I don't see agreeing to have sex when you don't really want is as a compromise?
Maybe it's a side effect of having been in an abusive (including sexually) marriage for almost 20 years, but to me, it feels like if my lifemate isn't interested, but They do something just to placate me, it makes my skin crawl.  Like if They aren't 100% on board/into it, I don't want Them to do it, you know?

Sure, this dry spells sucks (It's been over 1.5 years, and our 7 yr anniversary is later this week but there definitely won't be any anniversary sex haha), but being with Them means accepting who They are (poly and ace) even if I'm not terribly keen on it because I'm monoamorous, but my libido is fairly high.

I decided the sheer awesomeness of who They are, and the relationship we have is worth trying to figure out ways to cope with the disparity in libido

  Hide contents

(spoiler - I haven't found any haha other than just heave a sigh where They can't hear me and hope my girlybits don't turn to dust)

 

I get that "just deal with it" isn't always an option, but I also can't wrap my noggin around the idea of having sex just to placate someone (I mean I did it for decades but that was a survival mechanism)

 

 


This rubs me the wrong way - I mean I'm ALL for honesty and such, but the way this is phrased just kind of seems... I dunno... manipulative? Like someone threatening divorce when they don't get their way in a marriage? I'd be concerned it would make someone feel like they HAVE to do something they don't want to do or get dumped.
It's OK to recognize incompatibility, but it almost comes across as pressuring someone into something?

Pressure vs discussion is very tricky. I guess I feel that leaving a relationship if you are not getting something you want is OK.  I don't really see another approach. Imagine a sexual and sex-repulsed asexual who end up in a relationship.  Clearly the sexual should not force the asexual into sex.  So they are left with either a sexless relationship, which makes the sexual unhappy, or breaking up.  Is it bad for the sexual to point this out?

 

It has to be done politely, but something that translates to "I can't be happy in a relationship without [description of sex life that they want in order to be happy], so if that isn't OK with you, I'm going to leave". 

 

Its threatening - but only threatening leaving the relationship which I feel anyone is free to do at any time.  

 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

Imagine a sexual and sex-repulsed asexual who end up in a relationship.  Clearly the sexual should not force the asexualt really see another approach. into sex.  So they are left with either a sexless relationship, which makes the sexual unhappy, or breaking up.  Is it bad for the sexual to point this out?

 

It has to be done politely, but something that translates to "I can't be happy in a relationship without [description of sex life that they want in order to be happy], so if that isn't OK with you, I'm going to leave". 

 

Its threatening - but only threatening leaving the relationship which I feel anyone is free to do at any time.  

 

And conversely and equally, they are left with either a sexless relationship, which makes the sexual unhappy, or a relationship with sex, which makes the asexual unhappy.  It isn't bad for an asexual to point that out, either.  Your "translation" for an asexual would be "I can't be happy in a relationship with sex, so if that isn't OK with you, I must leave."   

 

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On 8/1/2019 at 3:06 PM, sithgirlix said:

I don't know what it's like to be grey-sexual or your partner, but I would say being unwilling to compromise is not a good sign for a relationship.

I just have to say though, even the most sexual person probably would be too exhausted for sex most of the time if they were in her position. There's 'compromising' (you have the time and energy to have sex, so give your partner time for it every now and then) and then there's just being utterly exhausted all the time from full-time work on top of having a low libido (which stress and exhaustion don't help). It doesn't sound at all like she's 'not compromising' exactly, this is pretty much like asking a busy, exhausted partner who doesn't like running to go sprinting with you once a week, or at least sometimes. She just may not be able to, it's not really a lack of compromising on her part. Sprinting is just too much for her to be able to handle with how busy her life is right now, if that makes sense? 

 

It really sounds like a situation that can't be won in the case (on either side) because even for a sexual woman in her situation, compromising will be a huge thing and may just take too much of a toll on her body and energy. On the flip-side, the OP will be left frustrated and unhappy *without* the sex.. This just seems like one of those lose/lose situations regardless of how you look at it. 

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anisotrophic

So? I don't get it. All @uhtred said was that it wasn't meant as pressure to have sex, it's just observing it's unacceptable.

 

Nobody should expect anyone to stay in a relationship with someone that is accidentally not of a matching sexual/gender orientation. I think it's disingenuous, @Sally, to pretend the "inverse" statement is equivalent (which is what you seem to often do), but neither should someone attempt to be an orientation or gender that they are not.

 

A realization of different gender identity or sexual orientation spells doom for many relationships. We should have sympathy for the partner *not* having this revelation, as having expectations radically changed on them -- maybe they can roll with it, but they have every right up say it's not going to work for them.

 

And it sucks that this means implied "pressure" to act like a discordant gender or orientation, but that's an unfortunate natural outcome for a serious change in relationship expectations.

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If it's not ok to say "I need x or I'm leaving," then it surely can't be ok to actually leave either. Leaving is more hurtful than threatening to leave, so if the lesser is wrong, the greater must be more wrong.

 

It just sucks. Not everything that sucks is wrong.

 

(also... I don't see anything wrong with either the sexual or the asexual in the above examples) 

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7 minutes ago, skullery said:

If it's not ok to say "I need x or I'm leaving," then it surely can't be ok to actually leave either. Leaving is more hurtful than threatening to leave, so if the lesser is wrong, the greater must be more wrong.

 

It just sucks. Not everything that sucks is wrong.

 

(also... I don't see anything wrong with either the sexual or the asexual in the above examples) 

I think it's a knee-jerk reaction to hearing something like that if you're from an abuse background (which the poster said they are). You imagine it said in that threatening "DO IT OR ELSE" more than the caring, but honest, "Look, I love you, but I need X to be happy. I don't blame you for not being X, but I have to be honest and I cannot live with how things are currently". 

 

And... yeah both ways may cause the person to panic offer. In different ways. But, there is really nothing wrong with stating your needs as long as you do it in a caring and respectful way. If you go all "RAWR THREAT" ... yeah that isn't cool, no matter what it's about. 

 

Edit: Though I am gonna have to admit, even stating my needs in a caring way can make me feel guilty cause I know how it feels to push yourself to do what you don't want cause you feel like you have to. So, I end up having to double and triple check if the person is actually OK giving something if I do it. 

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42 minutes ago, Serran said:

Though I am gonna have to admit, even stating my needs in a caring way can make me feel guilty cause I know how it feels to push yourself to do what you don't want cause you feel like you have to. So, I end up having to double and triple check if the person is actually OK giving something if I do it. 

So... personally, I've never in my life given someone a do X or I'm leaving ultimatum. IMO that's the wrong way to handle situations. I think that you talk about your needs, work on solutions, and if it doesn't end up working, then you have a discussion about incompatibility and where to go from there. At that point, separation needs to be acknowledged as an option. Starting with it from the beginning seems... coercive for sure. But that doesn't mean an honest discussion won't be required at some point.

 

And yeah, same re guilt and annoying the absolute fuck out of people by rechecking one billion times if it's ok. Even little things like... you SURE I can turn on this show? 😂

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4 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

So? I don't get it. All @uhtred said was that it wasn't meant as pressure to have sex, it's just observing it's unacceptable.

 

Nobody should expect anyone to stay in a relationship with someone that is accidentally not of a matching sexual/gender orientation. I think it's disingenuous, @Sally, to pretend the "inverse" statement is equivalent (which is what you seem to often do), but neither should someone attempt to be an orientation or gender that they are not.

 

No, I don't often do it.  In fact, I just decided that for once, I want to present the asexual  equivalent (and it is an equivalent) to the sexual saying that they can't stay in a relationship where there's no  sex.  I decided that because what's usually presented is the difficulty that sexuals have with having no sex, and everyone understands that, and feels sympathy for the sexual.  (That includes me.)   But hardly ever does anyone see that asexuals who have sex deserve some sympathy also.  It's as though since sex is the "default" in relationships, not having it is unusual enough to gain sympathy, just because sexuals are in the majority.  But every asexual who has sex that they don't want deserves just as much sympathy.  Having sex you don't want can be emotionally difficult, and often physically difficult, just as not having sex is for a sexual.  

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1 hour ago, Sally said:

Having sex you don't want can be emotionally difficult, and often physically difficult, just as not having sex is for a sexual.  

 

Having done that for over a decade, I agree wholeheartedly
(Which is why I try to be so super careful to not bother my lifemate about sex.  I don't want Them feeling like They should do it unless They are 100% on board)

 

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1 hour ago, Sally said:

No, I don't often do it.  In fact, I just decided that for once, I want to present the asexual  equivalent (and it is an equivalent) to the sexual saying that they can't stay in a relationship where there's no  sex.  I decided that because what's usually presented is the difficulty that sexuals have with having no sex, and everyone understands that, and feels sympathy for the sexual.  (That includes me.)   But hardly ever does anyone see that asexuals who have sex deserve some sympathy also.  It's as though since sex is the "default" in relationships, not having it is unusual enough to gain sympathy, just because sexuals are in the majority.  But every asexual who has sex that they don't want deserves just as much sympathy.  Having sex you don't want can be emotionally difficult, and often physically difficult, just as not having sex is for a sexual.  

There is an inequality in the situation, with the sexual at a disadvantage. The ace has complete control. If they don't want sex, sex doesn't happen*. Simple. So continuing the relationship as is is no problem for them.

I understand about the problems around having sex when you don't want to, but if you don't want to then don't.

 

Also, there is a disparity on actually leaving. The ace would get all the sympathy as the victim and the sexual would be demonised as breaking up the relationship simply for their base wants.

 

* Obviously I'm not talking about abusive relationships.

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9 minutes ago, glyders said:

There is an inequality in the situation, with the sexual at a disadvantage. The ace has complete control. If they don't want sex, sex doesn't happen*. Simple. So continuing the relationship as is is no problem for them.

I understand about the problems around having sex when you don't want to, but if you don't want to then don't.

 

Also, there is a disparity on actually leaving. The ace would get all the sympathy as the victim and the sexual would be demonised as breaking up the relationship simply for their base wants.

 

* Obviously I'm not talking about abusive relationships.

BS.   When you say the asexual has complete control, you're assuming that asexuals don't care at all about how their partners feel.   I had sex most of my life with my two partners because I DID care about how they felt.  And why would the ace get sympathy for being the "victim"?  As I said, and everyone knows, sexuals are in the majority, and what I've seen on AVEN and in my long real life is that sympathy definitely goes to the person whose partner would not  have sex with them.  

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16 minutes ago, glyders said:

There is an inequality in the situation, with the sexual at a disadvantage. The ace has complete control. If they don't want sex, sex doesn't happen. 

Both parties have the exact same amount of control. Both parties have full bodily autonomy and the right to end the relationship. 

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31 minutes ago, glyders said:

There is an inequality in the situation, with the sexual at a disadvantage. The ace has complete control. If they don't want sex, sex doesn't happen*. Simple. So continuing the relationship as is is no problem for them.

Both partners have total autonomy to leave if they don't like the situation.

 

And no, continuing the relationship for an ace who can't have sex often isn't 'no problem' because they can usually tell their partner is miserable, but they also know they're unable to give their partner what they want. But again, both partners have absolute responsibility for their own happiness and can choose to leave if the lack of sex/having to have sex is causing them too much discomfort. 

 

I say this as the partner who didn't want sex, who gave it twice a day every day for 5 frikken years because I felt so guilty about not wanting it and felt I had no choice but to give in to my partners every whim. In situations like mine (minus the actual abuse I was experiencing) it feels like the sexual has the power because it's literally "fuck me or we're done". I know now I should have just left, but even though I didn't leave I still did have full autonomy to have done so if I truly tried to. The exact same is true of the sexual who isn't getting sex. They can leave if that sexlessness makes them too unhappy. Both partners have equal control to leave the relationship (even if one of them, either the sexual or the ace, feels powerless. That feeling is just an illusion at the end of the day because the door isn't going anywhere and will always be there for the unhappy partner to walk through!!).

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Mysti has a great spiel on the advantage of not needing another person. Comes up in a million contexts besides sex. Let's say you're very quiet and your partner is very talkative. It feels like punishment to your partner when you're quiet, but the reality is, you're happy in quiet and they're happy in conversation. Only one of you can be happy at any given moment. That's a compatibility issue, not a power issue. It only becomes a power issue if someone uses not talking, not banging, etc, for manipulation rather than the pursuit of personal peace. 

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10 minutes ago, skullery said:

 That's a compatibility issue, not a power issue. 

F'ing A.  

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2 hours ago, glyders said:

There is an inequality in the situation, with the sexual at a disadvantage. The ace has complete control. If they don't want sex, sex doesn't happen*. Simple. So continuing the relationship as is is no problem for them.

I understand about the problems around having sex when you don't want to, but if you don't want to then don't.

 

Also, there is a disparity on actually leaving. The ace would get all the sympathy as the victim and the sexual would be demonised as breaking up the relationship simply for their base wants.

 

* Obviously I'm not talking about abusive relationships.

As someone who used to not want sex... just no.

 

As Skulls said, both have control over their bodies and to stay or leave. It isn't a power thing.

 

Also, as Pan and Sally said, it isn't no problem. You feel tremendous guilt to hurt someone you love. You feel unwanted for being not enough as well. It is tough all around.

 

And who would blame the sexual leaving ? Everyone I know would blame the ace for not wanting their partner and tell the sexual they were right to leave and give the sexual all the sympathy. I have a partner that doesnt like traditional sex so we dont do it and I am treated like a bad partner for doing what we both like cause omg we dont do it traditionally so she must be miserable and will cheat if I dont step up and it will be my own fault... 

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