Sexual/Asexual Marriage Advice

[yokokurama]

Hello, my wife and I have been together for about 8 years. We are coming up on our 1-year anniversary of being married. We live in a place where abstinence only education is still very common. During the relationship we would discuss sex here and there and she would explain that when the instructors were talking about abstinence until marriage, she took it to heart, despite not being very religious. When we did talk about it, she did mention that she understood sex to be an important part of a marriage.

 

I endured the wait because I respected her decision. She is a virgin, but I am not. We got married last year and both of us were WAY too tired to even think about sex on the wedding night itself. After a few days I did ask her when she wanted to try to begin the sexual side of our relationship and was met with cold hostility. She would cross her arms, say she did not know, and explain that she did not want to talk about it. This happened a couple of times and each time I felt hurt afterwards because I did not know what the hell was going on. Eventually we talked about it again in detail and she explained that when I asked her about when we were going to start it, she felt pressured by it and then she thought that I got really mad when she would say she did not know when. I explained to her that it was more of a disappointment thing because I had expected sex to come more naturally after we got married and she explained to me that she had thought sex would just happen naturally after we got married as well. Not long after that we had another discussion where she admitted to researching the average amount of sex for married couples and was shocked to her core.

 

She had assumed that my sex drive was really high because of the few times I asked about it. She then started doing more research and discovered asexuality and explained to me that the description of it fit her exactly. She had thought that getting married would change her desire but was shocked to find that she still just felt the same after the wedding. She has admitted to masturbating and said that she has thought of me before but it did not provide her with any desire. She feels that the main thing masturbation should be used for is the clinical aspect that it can help with menstrual pain. We agreed that couples counseling might be a good option for us but have not pulled the trigger on that yet. At the moment it has been about 5-6 months since we last discussed anything sexual. The relationship is going fairly well, but lately I have been thinking about the lack of sex again and the fact that she has no interest in it whatsoever and is also repulsed by it. I have started entertaining the idea of an open marriage but am not sure how she would react to the request.

 

I have read quite a few posts on here already, before joining, and am hopeful that we can make it work since it has worked out for some of you. I happen to enjoy sex quite a bit and it hard for me to imagine going the rest of my life without it. My wife however says that she is happy to go the rest of her life without it, she has no interest. She mentioned she might eventually be able to compromise but I feel guilty even thinking of requesting that she do anything that she has no interest in doing and is repulsed by. At the moment I cannot imagine my life without my wife. We are happy and get along great, it is just there is no sexual component to our relationship. We do interact physically with hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc.

 

Those of you have been through similar experiences, would you recommend that we go to couples’ therapy and/or entertain the idea of opening the marriage? I think if we opened the marriage it would at least take the pressure and guilt off of her. At the same time, I do feel kind of bad even thinking about it because I could see where it may make her feel inadequate as well. For those of you who have had successful open marriages how do you even go about meeting other individuals who might be open to it?

[uhtred]

I'm sorry, but I don't think this can work. Some couples work through modest incompatibilities in sexual interests, but I think your gap is just too large.  If her aversion to sex is so strong  that she didn't want sex with her new husband, I think it is unlikely she will be comfortable with any sort of active sex life. It is unfortunate she couldn't let you know this in advance , but there is a huge lack of education on this.  The idea that someone will "magically" desire sex after they get married has caused a lot of harm.  Marriage doesn't in itself change the level of desire, its just that for some it changes whether or not they act on that desire. 

 

I really think divorce / annulment is the best option.  It seems very unlikely that she will accept an open marriage - she seems unaware of how important sex is to many people. I think open marriages often don't work anyway. 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

I agree with @uhtred, you should be considering breaking up.

 

While people are sometimes able to navigate this together, there are too many factors indicating you shouldn't be investing in that effort. Your partner doesn't seem concerned about your own sexuality (it's part of you, you should be loved for who you are -- that's a bad sign), and you're not seriously entangled yet (eg kids -- don't get further entangled).

 

While breaking up may seem unthinkably hard now, it will only get more difficult the more time passes. It's not anyone's fault, but you've discovered a fundamental problem.

 

Couples therapy might be helpful for breaking up in an affirming way. It would be ideal to find a therapist that is LGBTQIA+ savvy and doesn't make your partner feel like she's at fault. 

[NickyTannock]

@yokokurama A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I had experience-based advice for you, but in my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship, I'm sorry.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and I couldn't find a Yoko Kurama cake, but here's a 'The Guardians of the Woods' cake,

[CadenLynch]

Everyone is immediately suggesting a divorce. I'm not going to recommend any specific course of action, however I will share my story with you as I feel it may be helpful.

 

Like you and your wife I grew up in a very conservative Christian area. Sex before marriage was forbidden. Like a good Christian boy I did my duty. My girlfriend and I had been dating for two years. We've now been married for one. I couldn't imagine throwing away three years of a relationship with someone - much less eight! When we consummated on our wedding night I realized something was wrong. It took me a little bit to realize what, but thanks to some serious soul-searching, reflection, and several episodes of Bojack Horseman I realized that I'm asexual. Figuring out where to go from there was difficult. While my preference is to not have sex at all, I recognize that my wife has a need for sex. So I compromise and indulge her desires when I feel up to it. Throughout this process of self-discovery, confessing my asexuality to my wife, and figuring out our future, a counselor and marriage counselor have been absolutely invaluable. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

 

I will note this, I'm not entirely against divorce but I do feel like it should be the last resort. Everyone is unique and maybe your wife is unable to acquiesce to your needs as I am able to for my wife.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I don’t understand how that happens. Maybe this is an inconsiderate response for the wife but I knew I didn’t want sex way before I knew I was asexual. I even made the decision that I wasn’t going to marry because of that fact and this is middle school I’ll have you know. I just do not get it. Maybe it’s because I’m aromantic anyways? I dunno

 

I agree with divorce as a last resort so maybe ask about the open relationship anyways? If sex is important to you then you guys need to compromise somehow or divorce because both people are just as important in a relationship

[Homer]

4 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I just do not get it.

The only explanation I can think of is that religious indoctrination made her really believe that things would kick in once she signs a couple of papers. From what I've read, "abstinence only" has nothing to do with actual education

 

It does sound like a huge gap to bridge, but I don't do romance, so I can't come up with anything practical or helpful.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

Just now, Homer said:

The only explanation I can think of is that religious indoctrination made her really believe that things would kick in once she signs a couple of papers

I mean, I’m religious and I’ve also been raised in a religious setting. I guess I did realize I was asexual before I realized in Christianity you aren’t supposed to have sex before marriage, that could also be a difference 🤔 But in the end,

5 minutes ago, Homer said:

"abstinence only" has nothing to do with actual education

and America is freaking terrible when it comes to sex education. They literally only teach you anatomy and many times not to have sex and then it leaves room for situations like this to happen

[Chihiro]

Considering you have been together 8 years, I recommend you try couples therapy. Also, do you think you can slowly warm her up to the idea of sex? Like doing sexual flirtations. Doing only foreplay in the beginning? I have heard of people playing sexual board games (or card games?), perhaps by doing 'sexual but not physical' activities you can train her to think of you sexually?

 

My advice is naive since I am asexual, but this is how I work romantically. Romantic gestures doesn't even cross my mind naturally despite having crushes but after a lot of romantic play/talk, my brain will start thinking of romantic gestures to the point that I want to do those with the partner. Its like my mind needs to be trained to think that way.

[Chihiro]

8 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

and America is freaking terrible when it comes to sex education. They literally only teach you anatomy and many times not to have sex and then it leaves room for situations like this to happen

Thats what happens when parents outsource education. Nothing prevents the parents from having a talk. There are many shortfalls in what is being taught in schools, if the parents want their best then they should put in some efforts too. Ultimately they are responsible for their kids until they attain legal adult age.

[Guest]

31 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I don’t understand how that happens. Maybe this is an inconsiderate response for the wife but I knew I didn’t want sex way before I knew I was asexual. I even made the decision that I wasn’t going to marry because of that fact and this is middle school I’ll have you know. I just do not get it. Maybe it’s because I’m aromantic anyways? I dunno

 

I understand how it happens. You feel romantic / sensual / aesthetic attraction bundled together so you assume sexual is in there. Which, is an easy assumption, honestly. Especially if the person has a libido, so can get aroused. 

 

I didnt want sex for 30 years, but I wanted everything leading up to sex, so it was a little confusing. Then I decided at 29 I dont want sex, OK. No more sex. Get in a relationship where sex isnt required.. do the everything up to.. start to want sex. Confused again. 

 

But still dont want PiV or oral or anal, so those would still be no gos. 

 

Sexuality is not exactly easy. Especially since honestly, every feeling before the second you want it feels the same as not wanting it, but wanting to be romantically and sensually close. 

[anisotrophic]

Frankly, I don't think "acquiescence" from a partner that would prefer not to have sex is an indefinitely sustainable strategy. It sounds awful for both parties.

 

I'm happy with my marriage, and of course we considered breaking up: if you love someone, wouldn't that be something to consider together? We talked about the possibility of opening things up almost immediately. My spouse explored all the options, together with me: isn't that what you do if you love each other, think about what is best?

 

These potential outcomes should all be discussed together, if a couple cares about each other.

 

The ability of my spouse and I to consider and discuss these possibilities -- as options in our joint response to asexuality -- that is probably why we *do* stay together, and why I'm happy and want to stay with him for the rest of my life. Refusing to consider "splitting" as a choice is not, in my experience, a sign of a healthy couple navigating this revelation.

[uhtred]

2 hours ago, Chihiro said:

Thats what happens when parents outsource education. Nothing prevents the parents from having a talk. There are many shortfalls in what is being taught in schools, if the parents want their best then they should put in some efforts too. Ultimately they are responsible for their kids until they attain legal adult age.

Some parents are themselves clueless.  When I put various pieces together I think my mother was either sexually repressed or asexual.   I know my parents were not affectionate in the slightest. My father worked a night shift that meant that he was basically never in bed with my mom.  I was told nothing whatsoever about sex by them. 

[uhtred]

41 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Frankly, I don't think "acquiescence" from a partner that would prefer not to have sex is an indefinitely sustainable strategy. It sounds awful for both parties.

 

I'm happy with my marriage, and of course we considered breaking up: if you love someone, wouldn't that be something to consider together? We talked about the possibility of opening things up almost immediately. My spouse explored all the options, together with me: isn't that what you do if you love each other, think about what is best?

 

These potential outcomes should all be discussed together, if a couple cares about each other.

 

The ability of my spouse and I to consider and discuss these possibilities -- as options in our joint response to asexuality -- that is probably why we *do* stay together, and why I'm happy and want to stay with him for the rest of my life. Refusing to consider "splitting" as a choice is not, in my experience, a sign of a healthy couple navigating this revelation.

Mostly agree. I think the only way "acquiescence" can work is if the asexual partner is not sex repulsed and is happy to provide sex because they enjoy making their partner happy.  For some people this works, for others not. 

 

The most poisonous combination is an asexual who thinks that their partner *shouldn't* want sex.  That sexual desire is a bad thing in and of itself.  Sadly that happens sometimes. 

[Guest]

Just now, uhtred said:

Mostly agree. I think the only way "acquiescence" can work is if the asexual partner is not sex repulsed and is happy to provide sex because they enjoy making their partner happy.  For some people this works, for others not. 

 

The most poisonous combination is an asexual who thinks that their partner *shouldn't* want sex.  That sexual desire is a bad thing in and of itself.  Sadly that happens sometimes. 

It does. Though, it can also be a thing brought on by resentment for their needs being so traumatizing for the ace at times. I know when I was hurting the most from unwanted sex, before my spouse got me feeling desire (so with exes), I purely hated sex and everything about it. It was nothing but a source of pain and I wanted to wipe it from the planet on some days. 

[Chihiro]

3 hours ago, Star Lion said:

I don’t understand how that happens. Maybe this is an inconsiderate response for the wife but I knew I didn’t want sex way before I knew I was asexual. I even made the decision that I wasn’t going to marry because of that fact and this is middle school I’ll have you know. I just do not get it. Maybe it’s because I’m aromantic anyways? I dunno

I was the same. I was around 11-12 when I told myself I would be single all my life to avoid sex/having babies and paid attention to my fav book characters who didn't get married. Jane Austen, the writer, was one of my fav for this reason. I would tell myself that 'if these people could live alone then so can I'. Everytime I thought of romance and life partner, the thought of sex (even though I am not sex repulsed) just turned me off from even pursuing relationships (despite having crushes). I never even dated anyone or looked for relationships until the year I became an AVEN member. I could no longer ignore my biological desire to find life partner and started googling about 'marriage without sex' and thats how I got here. It surprises me that so many here had to get into sexual relationships to figure out.

 

I come from a traditional society too where people reserve sex for after marriage and OPs story is similar to a lot of my friends' stories- they dated for years and finally got married. I could have done the same and gotten away with not having sex and yet enjoying the romantic aspects.... but I could always tell this would be a problem after getting married when sex would be expected.

[CadenLynch]

10 hours ago, uhtred said:

Mostly agree. I think the only way "acquiescence" can work is if the asexual partner is not sex repulsed and is happy to provide sex because they enjoy making their partner happy.  For some people this works, for others not. 

According to the 2016 Asexual Community Survey Report* (the most recent one available) the vast majority (87.5%) of asexuals are /not/ sex-repulsed. You are correct that this kind of issue must be dealt with through honest conversation between partners and a relationship may not work out even between an allo and a sex-positive asexual 

 

*https://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/2016_ace_community_survey_report.pdf

[Guest]

On 8/1/2019 at 9:02 PM, CadenLynch said:

According to the 2016 Asexual Community Survey Report* (the most recent one available) the vast majority (87.5%) of asexuals are /not/ sex-repulsed. You are correct that this kind of issue must be dealt with through honest conversation between partners and a relationship may not work out even between an allo and a sex-positive asexual 

 

*https://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/2016_ace_community_survey_report.pdf

Not being sex repulsed doesnt mean happy to have sex for a partner though. And repulsion can come if one pushes themselves to have sex they dont want (I am not ace, but back when I pushed myself to have sex just to please my partners I began to be sex repulsed more and more). 

[Devastated by Asexuality]

After 10 years of marriage, I believe I am a grey-sexual aromatic. I want the cuddling, kissing, hand holding, hugging part of the relationship, but I have no desire to have actual sex. This is frustrating because I find my husband very attractive, but I just don’t think about sex. I realize now that the signs of this showed up in previous relationships. I would be into sex a few times and after a month or so, I just didn’t want/need it.  This lead to the downfall of each relationship. I have tried to have sex for my husband, but my body rejects it because I am not wet, thus creating painful sex. 

 

I have read so much from the husbands of asexual wives, but now you get to hear from the other side. I very much love my husband and want to stay with him. But I know what my rejection has done to him; it’s destroyed him. I’ve read that some couples choose to have an “open” relationship, but I LOVE my husband and would never be satisfied with that. It would make me jealous and angry. I also read how some people schedule their sex, how the asexual compromises for the sexual partner. I would be willing to make that compromise with oral sex, but I do not want to be touched. Furthermore, the act of sex is to bond and deepen your love with your partner, and stay connected. A compromise doesn’t really seem like a compromise ... my husband would be losing out on the passionate love that he deserves. I wish, more than anything in the world, that my body would be normal and work like everyone else’s. I realIze, that something that is out of my control, something I still don’t even understand, will most likely be the demise of my marriage.

 

I very much want to give and fulfill all of my husbands needs. It’s not that I don’t want to, but my body is just different and it reacts in a way that will probably leave me alone forever. 

 

I really want to stay married to my husband because I absolutely love him with every fiber in my body. He has stayed faithful to me for 10 years, but I think I need to be the selfless one, and let him be free. I don’t want to let him fly away from me, but it’s selfish of me to expect him to stay in a sexless relationship. It’s already broken him so much, the least I could do is give him a chance at happiness. I have no doubt that he is my soul mate, which is why his happiness is so important to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

@Devastated by Asexuality I'm sorry, it is very hard.  I think I should be honest though and say, I don't know think it's a good idea for mixed relationships to expect indefinite monogamy. This puts pressure on an asexual partner to do something they don't want. It makes it hard for a sexual partner to completely set sex aside -- because they'll never have any other way to get it. Anxiety all around. Recipe for being unhappy and guilty.

I do think people can stay married... but it seems unsustainable/painful to have either person making a permanent/ongoing sacrifice.

But also, to be clear: I also think it's a really bad idea to rush and date other people right away.

No rush, don't panic. People can be single for years. Might as well take that time, build a relationship back up first in light of the revelation. If the couple is willing to try "open" they can take time to plan for what dating will look like, will feel like. (Truthfully, I think even sexual couples must face the hard reality that partners can fall in love with other people, even when they don't mean to. A lifetime is a long time.)

But this is all easy for me to say. He's seen me fall in love, but the reverse hasn't been true (yet). Maybe he'd be an ass about it.

PS to add he's still my soulmate even if he's sometimes an ass about something.

[Uncle D]

@Devastated by Asexuality

Honestly this entire subject is confusing as heck, and quite exhausting. Yet, here I am still struggling with it....I can concentrate on anything but this....likely as a great deal to do with my mental disorders I have developed through the stress of it all.....not, just this, but, PTSD and life in general....I do know this, it hasn't helped being in Love with an Asexual.....with that being said, I will not get out of this relationship because I am deeply in love with my wife.....yet, it is so very difficult, I am not alone, but feel so lonely....I have no one to hold onto, no one to share my deepest feelings with, except for my Psychiatrist. I want my wife to want me intimately and she can't, she just can't do it.....she also has Phallaphobia, which doesn't help matters any at all......I had to do all the research, to find out about this all.....I could keep going on and on with this, but I gotta go start dinner....lol

Thank you all for sharing, and I am really Thankful for this site....I can't say that enough. 

[rachaelartemis]

I created an account just so I could respond to this post. I feel like I could have written it. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have gone through so much misunderstanding about our sex life. He finally figured out this year that he is asexual. It makes sense but still doesn’t make things any easier. I’ve known him my entire life and we are great friends and companions. So do I throw that all away just so I can feel loved the way I need to be loved? At this point I feel like that is the only option but I hesitate not for myself but thinking of him and how we would explain this to our friends and family (since it’s really nobody’s business what our sex life is like… So we can’t really explain exactly what is going on).  Unfortunately I hadn’t even heard of a asexuality before (neither had he).  If we did maybe things would be different. I did ask him if he would be OK with an open relationship… But he said it would just remind him how he can’t give me what I need.  Not really sure where to go from here… But if I learned this at the beginning of our relationship and realized that it would always be like this… I probably couldn’t have stuck around. Knowing what I know now. It’s been really rough to be rejected constantly or not even try because I know I’ll get rejected.  I appreciate everybody’s responses to your post and I’m reading all of them with an open mind.  Good luck to you and everybody here! 

[codersworld]

i think no one can exactly describe this but someone can check Rice purity test to check innocence before marraige.

[Xstatic]

31 minutes ago, codersworld said:

i think no one can exactly describe this but someone can check Rice purity test to check innocence before marraige.

Hahahaha, that test makes me look like I'm going to burn in hell.  😂

[Xstatic]

@Devastated by Asexuality I went through a pretty big slump in my last marriage where I couldn't get into sex either.  Though mine was more depression and medication based.  But have you two tried personal lubricant?  That should fix the issue of sex being painful due to being dry.  And be generous with that stuff.  Put down a towel even. 

[uhtred]

On 8/21/2019 at 10:32 AM, rachaelartemis said:

I created an account just so I could respond to this post. I feel like I could have written it. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have gone through so much misunderstanding about our sex life. He finally figured out this year that he is asexual. It makes sense but still doesn’t make things any easier. I’ve known him my entire life and we are great friends and companions. So do I throw that all away just so I can feel loved the way I need to be loved? At this point I feel like that is the only option but I hesitate not for myself but thinking of him and how we would explain this to our friends and family (since it’s really nobody’s business what our sex life is like… So we can’t really explain exactly what is going on).  Unfortunately I hadn’t even heard of a asexuality before (neither had he).  If we did maybe things would be different. I did ask him if he would be OK with an open relationship… But he said it would just remind him how he can’t give me what I need.  Not really sure where to go from here… But if I learned this at the beginning of our relationship and realized that it would always be like this… I probably couldn’t have stuck around. Knowing what I know now. It’s been really rough to be rejected constantly or not even try because I know I’ll get rejected.  I appreciate everybody’s responses to your post and I’m reading all of them with an open mind.  Good luck to you and everybody here! 

Join the (unhappy) crowd of us who recently discovered asexuality and now understand our partners. 

 

In the end you just have an unhappy set of choices and need to do do your best.   If you want thoughts / suggestions you might start a thread, or PM me if you prefer

 

I'm in roughly the same situation and its extremely difficult.