Wait until they've grown up.

[anisotrophic]

Yesterday I told my mother I'm planning to take T.

 

She seemed ambivalent, but not upset, said she wasn't blind-sided and was more worried about other issues in my life. She's a major part of our lives, as she helps out with kids a lot.

 

But today. Today she follows up. She says she thinks I should wait until the kids are grown up before transitioning. (That is, 15 or 20 years. I'm 40.)

 

I avoided talking to her about this because she was consistently negative and hated the topic. I was right. The only interpretation I can muster is that she doesn't value my happiness – that's a subtle message over the years – just focused on wanting me to meet my duties. My aunt thought it would be OK, and it feels like shit to have my pessimism confirmed.

 

Anyway. Parents can be shitty. I am a parent. I hope I never fail my kids like this.

[katinthehat]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be easier on the kids to grow up watching you transition, than if they were moved out of the house and can't see you as much? When they're small, kids are the by-product of nurturing: interacting with their parents. If you teach them to be accepting, then they will likely grow up with that mindset.

[Just Somebody]

So... let get my take on it, just because your mom say so you gonna waste  decades of your life putting your own happiness in second place ?

 

 

In these kind of situations the only thing I tell people to think about is: "only you know what's better for you, only you know what makes you happy".

[Zagadka]

As I get older... I realize more and more that I will never have those opportunities again. Either people will love you or... you have to take care of yourself.

[anisotrophic]

Yeah, @katinthehat she's obviously not thinking it through.

 

I don't plan to let her change my transition plan. My spouse and oldest kid are full of hugs. My siblings are on board and I think they can get her to shift attitude.

 

But it feels like I'll always be disappointed by the demonstration of how my mother couldn't value my happiness. An important lesson to understand, her attitudes contributed to who I am -- that's good to know, it doesn't need to define where I go.

[Janus the Fox]

9 hours ago, katinthehat said:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be easier on the kids to grow up watching you transition, than if they were moved out of the house and can't see you as much? When they're small, kids are the by-product of nurturing: interacting with their parents. If you teach them to be accepting, then they will likely grow up with that mindset.

This would be a great solution, even though most would argue that having an adult physically change will confuse a child who’s idea of a mother and father figure even further that contributes to some form of emotional abuse.

 

I dislike this assumption as a non-binary person, there should really not be assumed mother/father gender roles.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I've never had any real support from family on gender issues; to me it's a matter of just doing it anyway cos they'll never be happy.

[Karst]

I really don't see how your transitioning would harm your kids.  In any case, you have a responsibility to care for yourself so that you have the strength to care for others.

[lunar-]

I have no idea how you transitioning would harm your children. 

[anisotrophic]

I think the underlying idea is that transition is selfish?

 

I mean, I'm thinking about what's happening here. I completely agree that this didn't make sense. One thing I'm getting is the sense that I'm choosing myself over other responsibilities.

 

Even supportive statements like "prioritize your happiness" seem to hint at some underlying sense that it's a selfish action. There's a sense that significant dysphoria is necessary to justify being... disruptive? ... with one's gender expression and identity.

 

I think it comes from a place that doesn't believe that transition and gender identity and expression are inherent rights of individuals that should be supported. They don't see that society has a positive interest in supporting whatever people want to do.

 

(I think it does. I think failing to believe that implies one prefers the current, sexist status quo in social constructs of gender.)

[Acing It]

Could it be that your mum, in spite of your interpretation, has the best intentions and that she is just deeply worried and likes to see you and your children happy? Parents can come from a completely different angle, often one where they don't fully understand the issue or what is going on, or what transitioning means fully. Maybe mutual patience, understanding of her situation and for her of yours could be a way forward. In other words, open and patient communication for both of you (and the children)?

[anisotrophic]

@Acing It I don't think of my mother as very loving (not just me on this perception). I think that's partly a "love languages" thing, but she is also simply completely bereft of humility or listening skills. Sadly, good communication takes two.

 

Given her phobic attitude -- refusing to discuss, research, express interest, ask questions -- and profoundly unrealistic suggestions -- she hasn't raised any specific concerns, just a generic and negative reaction & then silence when she thinks I've acquiesced. I don't think this is coming from a rational place, and I think she knows that and is lashing out with a stream of criticism on every other topic she can think of.

 

I'll be calling some family therapists tomorrow that seem to be trans-friendly. I think the most effective thing to do will be to bring in that neutral third party. My mother will never apologize or admit being incorrect (and I mean this: never) but hopefully the weight of social pressure will leave her realizing the fear response was unjustified, and that person can provide her with an "answer" (ie suggested thing to do) that didn't come from me (this is important) that will "address her concerns" & then we'll be "ok".

 

Sorry if that's a cynical take, and of course it's all idiosyncratic to my own life (and not a larger insight about transition), but I've known her for a while. It's sad that I need to deal with her sideways; she could use a decent therapist for herself, but of course would never consider it.

 

PS to add: I also think she's angry about some things in her own life that aren't my fault (eg maybe her own experiences with sexism & my father), and she's unconsciously taking it out on me.

[Acing It]

19 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@Acing It I don't think of my mother as very loving (not just me on this perception). I think that's partly a "love languages" thing, but she is also simply completely bereft of humility or listening skills. Sadly, good communication takes two.

 

Given her phobic attitude -- refusing to discuss, research, express interest, ask questions -- and profoundly unrealistic suggestions -- she hasn't raised any specific concerns, just a generic and negative reaction & then silence when she thinks I've acquiesced. I don't think this is coming from a rational place, and I think she knows that and is lashing out with a stream of criticism on every other topic she can think of.

 

I'll be calling some family therapists tomorrow that seem to be trans-friendly. I think the most effective thing to do will be to bring in that neutral third party. My mother will never apologize or admit being incorrect (and I mean this: never) but hopefully the weight of social pressure will leave her realizing the fear response was unjustified, and that person can provide her with an "answer" (ie suggested thing to do) that didn't come from me (this is important) that will "address her concerns" & then we'll be "ok".

 

Sorry if that's a cynical take, and of course it's all idiosyncratic to my own life (and not a larger insight about transition), but I've known her for a while. It's sad that I need to deal with her sideways; she could use a decent therapist for herself, but of course would never consider it.

 

PS to add: I also think she's angry about some things in her own life that aren't my fault (eg maybe her own experiences with sexism & my father), and she's unconsciously taking it out on me.

That's far from a nice situation to be in. ☹️ I wasn't trying to imply I know your mother of course, or what she is thinking. 

[anisotrophic]

@Acing It thanks. Hey, it's not so bad, I know it could be a lot worse.

My mother is difficult, but not dangerous or rash. Just predictably bad. (e.g. she kicks people when they're down, apologizing to her will always invite more punishment – it's a mistake to attempt patience and understanding.) But upshot? Predictable means manageable.

[anisotrophic]

Started the T.

Did a consult with therapist (just me). I'll talk to mom later about doing a joint session (if she agrees to it), therapist agreed that repeating my attempt to inform my mom in advance ("I'm going to do it") wasn't helping, just ... do it, deal with her reaction. So a nurse helped walked me through the first injection today. It wasn't so bad, but maybe because I've been through a lot of medical stuff with other things.

And... I feel so happy! Stupid. Grinning. Dumbass. Happy. Is it hormonal euphoria, or am I just relieved to have started?

I might update this thread with more junk about my mom's BS reaction, but I like what the therapist said. Yes, family matters to me. But my mother is not in the circle of people I'm making the decision together with. That circle is me, my spouse, our nuclear family – and we're happy.

[anisotrophic]

I'm so frustrated.

 

I put the work into finding a therapist that's my mother's flavor, not mine: heavy credentials, old, female, very little LGBTQIA+ experience. It's minutes away. I'm paying out of pocket. I do an initial consultation. We do a session together.

 

I'm she'd the whole time by the therapist and I don't raise an issue. (I've been on T for a couple weeks at that point.) 😐

 

Therapist says horrid stuff like: "sometimes the LGBT community is so aggressive". (Apparently trying to explain why my mother's garbage is understandable.) I carefully responded, "have I said or done anything that seemed aggressive to you?" "No," she admitted. 😐

 

My mother makes false claims about how I've upset my dad and sibs. None of it is true, I've been having great conversations with some of the sibs, I say that. 😐

 

Near the end my mother says I should feel lucky she's not the sort of parent that disowns me. The therapist treats this as reasonable. 😐

 

I said, "are we lowering the bar?" Therapist says, no no. I said, "this statement sounds like a threat." 😐

 

I said, "the reason we're not having an estrangement is because I found a therapist and arranged for us to pursue therapy together. I'm putting in the work to make this work." 🤨

 

The T has masculinized my emotions. I didn't cry. I just endured garbage, mostly expressionless.

 

Apparently she's not talking to me now.

 

My dad (who assures me we're fine) had to inform me she's waiting for me to apologize for "misunderstanding". (It seems she didn't tell him "what", presumably because it's so indefensible.) I recommended he not get involved, I don't want arguments to spread.

 

I guess the good news is: it's just my mother.

 

I'm so frustrated that I do all this work to make things better, I'm angry I'm paying hundreds of dollars to such a garbage therapist that is inappropriately validating my mother's bad behavior. (I'm starting to think the therapist has a motive to get more income by exacerbating the problem, validating my mother's awful behavior.)

[wyrdwyrm]

This sounds so frustrating! And what a disappointing therapist.  Don't give them any more money.

 

You're an independent adult, you've discussed it with the family who it directly impacts (spouse and kids) - informing her is mainly a formality.

 

If you're interested in extending an olive branch, you could say something like, "I appreciate your concerns, and I thank you for looking out for my children's well-being, but we've already taken this under consideration and the decision's been made."

But you haven't described anything you need to apologize for, so I agree with standing your ground on that.

 

And congratulations on starting your journey!

[anisotrophic]

thanks @wyrdwyrm!

 

It's not a mere formality, I'm afraid; they live just several minutes away and see us a lot, help with our kids.

 

If I cancel after the last session she'll just say I didn't try to make peace. but I'll probably declare this done after the next session, however well it works.

[Acing It]

On 8/2/2019 at 11:09 PM, lunar- said:

I have no idea how you transitioning would harm your children. 

It shouldn't, but it can, and it's important to know it can and how, so you can look out for the signs IMO. Not everyone is as accepting and I can think of them being bullied in school for instance, like children with gender issues can be bullied. Social influence goes both ways. Some children with very 'unaccepting' parents can take that with them into school. It happens and I've seen it happen.

Is it a reason to stop your transitioning? It depends. I too think it's better for your children to go through this with you as children than having you transition when they're adults and you're a lot unhappier because of the wait.

[Acing It]

22 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I'm so frustrated that I do all this work to make things better, I'm angry I'm paying hundreds of dollars to such a garbage therapist that is inappropriately validating my mother's bad behavior. (I'm starting to think the therapist has a motive to get more income by exacerbating the problem, validating my mother's awful behavior.)

That's not good 😞 It sounds like you've made a compromise too far. IMO, if a therapist isn't 'on board' with why you are there, you can jsut as well not go - but that's just my opinion.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but why does your mother need to be there? It's sometimes better to have two separate sessions; one alone and one with your mum there. It sounds like she's trying to keep control of 'the situation', but I could be completely and utterly wrong of course.