TIDAL Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 My boyfriend and I have been together for many years. He rarely ever instigates sex and when he does it is only to make me happy. We are very much in love and everything else about the relationship is great which is why we have lasted. However I am worried I will cheat on him because my needs are not met and he does not seem concerned about it. I have communited this to him several times and he gets very angry it is hard to talk about. I know it is not personal, he is not living some secret life, cheating or anything like that. He has told me before he is just not a sexual person. I do not know what to do, it seems like he is asexual from what I read online. Any suggestions on what I can do to help him/us!? Like I said he gets very mad when I bring this up so I feel very very lost and frustrated please help!! Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies'. Michael Tannock, Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 @TIDAL Welcome to AVEN! I'm probably not the best person to give relationship advice, as In my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship. But it sounds like he could be Asexual and not know, and even dismiss the idea that he is until he reads something about it. Unfortunately, I think this means he'll avoid facing the problems you're having until he realises, hence the anger. The only thing I can think to suggest is showing him something about Asexuality. There's a short book about Asexuality that's free to read online you can try that: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/ I wish you luck. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Believe in your DREAMS...' Cake (all edible), Link to post Share on other sites
Þ®Ïи©€$@ Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Hi @TIDAL! I am new here too . Reading your post I can feel identified with your boyfriend. I understand how having different sexual needs can impact your relationship. I think that the key word here is frustration. He feels frustrated because he doesn´t want to lose you and can´t fulfill your sexual needs, and you feel frustrated because he is not open for communication. In this case you will have to decide if you want to keep this situation forever or until you cheat on him, break up with him, force communication or suggest an open relationship. The ideal scenario is you two taking decisions together but if he is hesitant to talk, think what you really want and what would you consider enough sex to be with him and present the possible options to him to decide himself too. Link to post Share on other sites
TIDAL Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Mike I meant to reply not to report sorry I am a newb haha thank you for the advice and moving my question to the right place... I will definitely check out that book Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Sounds like he needs to trust you more, before he may open up, if at all. Do not know what age you two are, but when young, people are more reluctant to be open about things, that may be seen by others as not normal. There is alot of pressures on males, to be males, and he may not be ready to be open about the way he really feels. Link to post Share on other sites
TIDAL Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Telecaster68 thank you for the list of options that was extremely helpful, I have A LOT to think about... We have spoken about counselling we agreed that we would try to see someone first before giving up (or at least on my end, I do not see him giving up). I just do not know if the counsellor will be much help for this particular issue. Link to post Share on other sites
TIDAL Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Honestly I feel like a horrible person, I am worried I will hurt him or cheat and I feel like garbage about it, I have already come really close granted I was completely wasted almost black out drunk at the time. I appreciate all the replies, I know that communication will be key for us to survive but it has been so tough to talk to him about it. Andreas1033 we are both 35... Link to post Share on other sites
Evren Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 You shouldn't feel horrible. I don't understand the desire for sex, but I have been told that is a need for sexual people. They don't feel fulfilled without it. It's wrong of your boyfriend to ignore what is obviously a serious problem for you. I wish you the best of luck . Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 You shouldn’t feel horrible at all, it’s a difficult situation to be in. Hopefully counseling will help. I don’t know if your boyfriend is already seeing a therapist solo, but if not I would recommend you both getting solo therapy sessions as well as couples therapy. If he is ace and not come to terms with that yet, or if it’s something else entirely, it might be hard for him to open up in a group at first, it also might not be. I distinctly remember being in a session with my husband to talk about our issues with sex. The therapist asked me a few questions including “do you enjoy sex?” In my brain the instant answer was ”no”, but I saw my husband sitting there next to me and felt the whole world drop, then answered “yes”. When my husband and I were first having issues all the talk was focused on how my actions were the problem. In retrospect, fair, but at the time not knowing what I know now it made me angry. Why was I the one who needed therapy to change? Why was I the one being poked and prodded by doctors? What was he doing to meet me in the middle? It’s was hard to discuss without feeling defensive. For what it’s worth my husband and I did ultimately manage to communicate, and are still together after 16 years. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 @Þ®Ïи©€$@ Welcome to AVEN! I think it's nice that your first post is advising someone. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Flower Pot Kittens' cake (all edible), Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 17 hours ago, TIDAL said: Honestly I feel like a horrible person, I am worried I will hurt him or cheat and I feel like garbage about it, I have already come really close granted I was completely wasted almost black out drunk at the time. I appreciate all the replies, I know that communication will be key for us to survive but it has been so tough to talk to him about it. Andreas1033 we are both 35... NO NO NO NO!!! You are NOT a horrible person. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting an active sex life as part of a romantic relationship. There is nothing unusual about being strongly tempted to cheat if you are not getting that. In fact its not that unusual to cheat in that situation. (there is also nothing wrong with someone not wanting sex - but it is a fundamental incompatibility) The problem is that if you cheat you will feel terrible, will feel like you betrayed him. But if you don't cheat you will feel resentment for him from stealing your sex life from you. I've been in a sexual / near-asexual marriage for > 30 years now. It has caused a tremendous amount of misery for both of us until quite recently when I finally understood the idea of asexuality. Its still a continuous strain. Things never really get better. @Telecaster68 has is right. I will say that leaving a relationship because you are unhappy really is the right action. If your partner love you they would not want you to be unhappy. If they don't love you, you are not leaving anything of value. From what you said I think you will eventually cheat - and having been in your situation I would not blame you at all. The problem is that you will blame yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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