What to do, feeling totally lost

[DumbFounded]

First off, I've been reading content on here for a few years. it's been super helpful... so thank you to all of those that have shared! This is my first time posting, sorry in advance for the long read :)

 

Even after reading so much on this page, I still can't figure out A. if my wife is Asexual and B. what to do about it. 

 

Here is the back story. 

 

My wife and I have been together for about 15 years. We met just after college and were married shortly after. I was totally in love. She was everything I had hoped for. Sexually she was super fun, spontaneous, encouraging and the initiator. We didn't live together, so every time we saw each other she would always initiate sexual encounters. We werent having intercourse, we were saving that for post wedding... though we had sex a few times. Usually it was as simple as a handjob, or blow job while driving (exciting right) or something else... She always initiated and it was so fun and exciting. She was beautiful, and she loved me, and sexually I was in heaven. She had this understanding that I had sexual "needs". We didnt talk much about it... i didnt say Hey, i need X to be happy... It was more like she just knew that part of being a young man was a need to have sexual desires met. And it seemed like she loved serving me in this way. And I ofcourse served her the same... It was fun, loving, beaufitul. We would spend so much time together.... kissing, laying, cuddling, touching, feeling, exploring. 

 

Then.... cue sad music.... we got married. 

 

In an instant, everything changed. 

 

On the night of our wedding, we had sex (it had been months since we had sex last) and yet it seemed like a chore. granted, wedding days are exhausting, so I didn't think much of it. I was tired too. But it definitely wasn't what I'd imagined. I waited (except a few times) my whole life for the wedding night, and it was... ehhhh. 

 

On our honey moon, we had sex maybe 1x per day for 5-7 of the 10 days... but this was the first time that it seemed out of obligation rather than out of passion. Clearly, sex 1x per day is not a problem. That would be amazing today. But the point is not the number of times, but the beginning of the change in attitude around our sexuality. Keep in mind... She was my first sexual partner. So my expectations were different... I had this beautiful girl that was so affectionate pre-marriage, and I expected the climax of marriage to be everything I had waited for. passionate sex with no bounds. But, it wasnt... to say the least. 

 

Fast forward... 

 

My wife and I don't kiss, don't cuddle, barely have any physical contact on a daily basis. I am very sexual and think about sex all of the time and physical touch is really important to me... but for her it seems like just another chore that she needs to get done, eventually. We haven't had sex in about 3 weeks, but when we did it was fun, both had orgasms, everything seems fine in that moment. We actually ended up having sex again later that day. Then after that day 3 painful weeks ago... I slowly attempt to turn off my desire for sex. I try to not think about it, not desire it, not want it. 

 

Why? Because so much of our married life has revolved around my emotional pain of feeling unloved, unwanted, undesired... The feeling of rejection... and honestly, the feeling of being completely fooled prior to marriage. All of the times when we have been alone together, and it apparently didn't cross her mind to serve each other in this way. Or Im taking a shower and ask her to join and she says nah. Or going to be together, just to end up hearing "im tired"... It's exhausting. But the thing is, in each individual instance its not a big deal. I can't point to one moment and say "see, that's the problem." I can't be mad that she didnt want to take a shower together last night. She took one in the morning and didnt want to get her hair wet. Sure. That makes sense. But if I ask 20 times, and she says no 20 times... eventually im like... sweet... i can cross that off of my list of things to do with my wife. Collectively, all of the miro rejections leads me to feel a much deeper rejection and its a depressing place to be. A normal month consists of 100 "nah" and 1 "yeah"... it makes me want to turn off the desire to even want the yeahs. Does  that make sense? 

 

Another big issues, I feel like my wife trapped me... she found someone that is smart, fun and successful (no debt, big house/cars, good income, no financial stress) and scammed me into marrying her with her sexuality as the tool. Granted, I love her more than just for her sexuality... but that is a really big deal for a sexual person that has a strong desire for physical touch... and the moment we married she took it all away. I'm not convinced she did this in a menacing sort of way... but it's like the husband that used to bring flowers home to his girlfriend all of the time... that completely stopped doing that once they married. He got the girl, doesnt need to impress... No more flowers. I feel like that... Like I was tricked. Remember, before getting married I had ZERO sexual partners. I saved my sexual life for my wife. The idea is that I would wait until I was married, and then she and I would live forever in sexual oneness... So on top of being tricked, I feel even more bizarre about saving this part of me for someone that doesn't even want it. 

 

Our normal sexual life is like this... 

 

Day 1. Sex

 

Day 2. Again. 2 days in a row. I'm pumped. 

 

Day 3. We will have a great opportunity... maybe I'm taking a shower while she is getting ready, or we are lying in bed together half-naked (hot out) or the kids are gone for the day and its just her and I... But it doesn't happen on day 3... I become frustrated. Not by the lack of sex... since we just had sex the day before... but the lack of interest... and the fact that she doesn't see the opportunity or look for the chances to be together. I begin to feel like she checked it off her list, and she is good for now. Clearly, day 3 isn't the problem. It's that this is the 1000th day three and I already know what the next days will look like. Day 1 and 2 had so much optimism. But day 3 my reality seems closer to the norm. When she walks by she doesn't grab me, or just kiss me for now reason... she doesn't come sit on my lap and kiss me and tell me something nice.... or lay on me while watching a show... It turns into having two separate universes living in parallel, only feet away. 

 

Day 4, I'll say, "Hey, wanna go hang out for a bit" and she is like... ok maybe later. Then later turns into never. So nothing happens. Still, no physical touch outside of sex either. 

 

Day 5, I begin to get more frustrated... and I think to myself... I'm not going to initiate, she will need to initiate. Of course, she doesn't initiate, so I am more annoyed and admittedly I get a little awnry. I walk by and she doesn't grab my arm, I leave and she might give me a dutiful peck and say I love you... but there certainly isn't a long real kiss. Definitely no open mouth. Peck. Done. I am home a lot, and the kids go to bed early... so we have a ton of time that we could be intimate, having sex or just being close. But nothing. She does housework, runs errands, plays on social media... takes care of kids. And there is literally nothing left for me. At this point I am silently getting sad, depressed and resentful. 

 

The challenge around this time... is that we have had sex 2 of 5 days. Not too shabby really. But what I get frustrated by, and sad about... is my wife just doesn't seem to enjoy me. I'm convinced she likes folding laundry more than touching me. I have to work and have a crazy schedule... but I would literally drop everything to be with her... but for her it's so different. This becomes really tough to handle. 

 

Day 6, I decide..., if I want to be happy, I need to turn off my sexuality and desire...  because if I keep waiting and hoping... I will just be disappointed and I will go nuts. I don't want to be disappointed, so I will just stop being sexual... and stop caring. I say, if she initiates, I can respond. But Im going to turn off my desire to be with her in this way. Im not going to say anything, do anything, or think about her as a sexual partner. Just a roomate. See what happens, if i dont turn this off and we are in bed together and I am hoping for her to initiate... then I can't fall asleep. It's like every movement may mean something. I start interpreting a sigh or nudge or rollover. I wonder what that meant, what should I do... etc. That's followed by a storm, of thoughts... "apparently that nudge/movement/sign meant nothing... clearly she isnt into me, why do I do I have to deal with this, etc..." So I go from ready for bed to wide awake and can't sleep. Sometimes I am wide awake with adrenaline, totally upset. I keep thinking back, why did this person trick me 15 years ago? 

 

Day 7-20 looks a lot like day 6... it's either me being totally frustrated or totally distant. Wanting and frustrated is not a good place to be. That might be the worst. Distance is much easier to cope with. And during these times (day 7-20) I get rude... and short... and probably not fun to be around. Then, somewhere around day 20, (she probably has something on her calendar reminder how long its been...) she comes into our room all ready to rock. We have sex, its fun... we both enjoy it... But, A. No kissing. WTF, right? I would have to literally hold her face in place to kiss. She just lays there while I do the work. Mostly. Sometimes she is on top and its like straight up in/out... and I get this feeling like... can we be done already? She doesn't have an orgasm from intercourse, only oral sex... so the intercourse feels often like I am having sex with an object for my pleasure. Which is super lame. B. No oral sex for me. I give, but don't receive. I like oral sex, a lot... and she's just like... ehhhh... I don't really want to do that. C. 1 orgasm for her is enough. She never wants more than one. No toys. No round 2. One and done. D. When I have an O, it's over. She gets dressed, boom...over. It just feels mechanical. Day 20 is like, Have sex. Be "connected" and then get dressed. 

 

And it leads me to believe... this is sex, not sexuality. This is dutiful sex... in, out, in, out, O... not this beautiful exchange of love and affection and our bodies. 

 

And look, sex as a destination is really a lot worse than masturbation. If my goal is to just have an orgasm, there as much less complicated ways to do this. Right? I don't need to feel all of the highs/lows of a sexual relationship if the sex is just a mechanical act. Know what I mean? But sex isn't just about having an orgasm... its about oneness... love and togetherness. Its about so much more... so even when we do have sex, its not awesome. 

 

So I am left totally confused, not sure how to handle this. 

 

By the way, a couple of things. 

1. We have kids. Obviously that complicates things

2. My wife is hot. Smoking hot. Of all our friends, she is the prettiest. She is pretty, natural, curvy, petite... Seriously hot. 

3. My wife is visually generous... we have sex with the lights on (dimmed), she is totally comfortable with her body... and that's amazing.

4. In someways, this is even worse. Having a hot wife that isnt into sex is like torture. 

 

I guess I just don't know how to handle things. 

1. I'm not sure if she is Asexual. But she could go without sex, for sure. There have been months where we had zero sex. Like 3 months. She didn't care. She doesn't have a strong desire for sex or physical touch. 

2. I am the opposite. I need physical touch like the air I breathe. I see the differences in our kids too... 1 really needs physical touch and the other couldn't care less. 

3. I could keep on this track of suppressing sexual intimacy until she initiates... but that sucks. 

4. I could attempt to convince her that my sexual "needs" are atleast X number of days per week... but that just feels crappy. Again, it goes into this dutiful category that sucks. 

5. I could go outside the marriage, that too sucks. Considering I've been with 1 woman... this would be a massive shift. 

6. I've seriously considered divorcing. Because honestly, this isn't working. My frustration turns to being a bad husband relationally... on day 1 and 2 I am happy, jovial and in good spirits. I do everything for her. I somehow become a dream husband. I am kind and patient...  I am looking all over for ways to please her. Everything from making her coffee in the morning to washing her car or whatever... I am looking for ways to serve her. (how it should be, yes i know :) ) However, somehow between day 3 and 21... I'm like, get your own damn coffee. She asks me to help with X and I'm like... sure, in a bit. On day 3 she didn't need to ask because I was crushing this husband thing... but on day 21 that same guy is nowhere to be found. I've already had 5-10 nights that I couldn't sleep (lying on the couch watching TV all night, in and out of sleep) and have spent a crap ton of time pissed/sad/frustrated/angry/alone. So I turn into a terrible husband. This isn't good for her, and it certainly isnt good for me. 15 years isnt good, but 50 would be terrible. 

7. I want her to know, if we were more intimate, I would be a better husband. But that is just the stupidest thing ever. It's not like there is an exchange, where you give me sex and I am nice... like a caveman... but ultimately this is where it goes. If I don't feel wanted, I get frustrated... and frustration brings its own emotions with symptoms of shitty husband. I know this, its stupid. But I can't stop it. 

8. If I wanted to stop it, how would I? Stop caring? Stop being frustrated? Stop desiring intimacy? Something has to give right? I can't be totally into my wife, not be bummed when rejected, and super stoked to serve her. 1 of those three would have to go. Which is lame. 

9. in other areas of life, these equations are so much less petty. We know that the time and energy and devotion we put into food for instance... fuels the rest of our day. If we eat like crap, or don't eat at all... we feel terrible. But when my wife (she does mostly all cooking) makes great nutritious/tasty meals, our entire family is better because of it. Right? And we know this about shelter and clothing and everything else. But with sex... it seems normative (for her and many others) that it really isn't important... and the exchange of grumpy husband to devoted super husband hinges on a beautiful sex life is absurd. She gets this idea of putting energy into our meals, but the idea of putting energy into a sex life is totally absurd. If we have a crappy sex life (the pringles of sex) or no sex life (not eating anything all day) then ofcourse there is a negative impact. Just like bad food or no food produces a bad result, same with bad sex or no sex. Right? 

10. Can someone change? Can this be a hormone thing? As much as I want a better sex life, I also don't want to demand it. That makes it tough to handle. I don't want to take something, I want it to be given freely. Know what I mean? I am sure I could convince her that for me to be happy I need X more of whatever... I need to kiss, and hug, and massage and whatever... but if she doesn't want that too... that becomes a strange exchange. 

11. Has anyone had success with any type of therapy or medication or hormone therapy for women? I know with men taking Testosterone for instance, could really change sexual desire. Is there anything like that for women? 

 

Any insight out there? Sorry again for the long read! 

 

 

[Grimalkin]

So... yes. It's possible this is a hormone thing. But even if it were, she would have to want to get herself to the doctor, have to want to fix this. And it sounds like she doesn't. She's in a good place (for her) in her life, and she doesn't want to change anything. 

 

53 minutes ago, DumbFounded said:

Another big issues, I feel like my wife trapped me... she found someone that is smart, fun and successful (no debt, big house/cars, good income, no financial stress) and scammed me into marrying her with her sexuality as the tool.

If you even felt like this a little, then something is wrong. Maybe she's totally oblivious. Maybe she was raised to believe you WERE supposed to use sexuality like that, with the age-old rhetoric of women being the gatekeeper of sex. But even then, it's a big issue. A big red flag. You two aren't compatible. 

 

Dude, you sound like you're dying over there. Kids or no kids, I really think your best bet is a massive come-to-Jesus talk. Maybe a letter if you feel you can't communicate it aloud properly. Tell her your frustrations, what you need, how you feel like you're not being the best person you can be. And if she dismisses your concerns, or hand-waves sex like it's not important, that illustrates more than just asexuality. That shows you that your wife isn't all that concerned about what is important to you. Note, suddenly increasing sex for a short period of time is not listening to you. She might do that if she's scared you'll go away. Talk about long-term solutions. 

 

I normally give advice to salvage relationships here, but in this case I think you should at least be prepared to walk. Trust me, kids will be raised better in a split household with two content parents, than one household with a miserable one. 

 

Sexual compatibility is a big thing in a relationship. She has her libido, you have your libido, and if they're not matching up and there's no compromise being made, then there's going to be trouble. If she refuses to do any sort of compromise, and you stay in this relationship, this trend of sex is going to continue for the rest of your life. And it'll be just as fun as it is now. 

[Guest]

Have you tried talking to her about your needs not being met? She could be ace, or she could just have a lower libido. You wont know til you talk to her. 

 

I mean... personally, if left up to me - I wouldnt be sharing a shower (hate it), after two days in a row of sex I wouldnt be interested in it. And with a lot of other stressors, it is possible I could go weeks without thinking of it cause I am just too busy with everything else (especially if my partner started being cranky before the week was even out). The frequency with my wife tends to be more based on her cause we... talked about it. She has a higher libido, I have a lower one. I dont ID as ace, nor does she. 

 

But without communication you arent gonna know anything. You need to know how she feels about sex. Is it a chore to be done? Or is it a thing she wants based on her cycle (if its every month or so, maybe)? Is it a thing she has to be relaxed enough for and the kids and chores take too much energy normally ? 

 

NRE and not living together can explain why things were hotter earlier. But, you two just need to talk and figure out where the incompability lies and if there are things to be done about it. 

[- Saph -]

You write very little about her daily life and point of view. But you share a lot of (rather depressing) asumptions here. Maybe talking to her would bring better answers that don't make you feel cheated. There can be huge variations in a women's sex drive depending on daily life (stress, children, hormonal contraception and some other drugs,...) and on the cycle (impact on lubrication, sensations and sexual thoughts). Understood this, there may be some room for compromises from both sides.

 

If not, you two may unfortunately not be compatible. For your information some people are perfectly fine having a beautiful trophy wife just for show. I even know some guys who are living with a girl "because she does the laundry". Make sure that she understands that your are not one of them. Then get over it if you can't stand this situation.

[TimeDelay]

15 hours ago, DumbFounded said:

First off, I've been reading content on here for a few years. it's been super helpful... so thank you to all of those that have shared! This is my first time posting, sorry in advance for the long read

 

Even after reading so much on this page, I still can't figure out A. if my wife is Asexual and B. what to do about it. 

 

Here is the back story. 

 

My wife and I have been together for about 15 years. We met just after college and were married shortly after. I was totally in love. She was everything I had hoped for. Sexually she was super fun, spontaneous, encouraging and the initiator. We didn't live together, so every time we saw each other she would always initiate sexual encounters. We werent having intercourse, we were saving that for post wedding... though we had sex a few times. Usually it was as simple as a handjob, or blow job while driving (exciting right) or something else... She always initiated and it was so fun and exciting. She was beautiful, and she loved me, and sexually I was in heaven. She had this understanding that I had sexual "needs". We didnt talk much about it... i didnt say Hey, i need X to be happy... It was more like she just knew that part of being a young man was a need to have sexual desires met. And it seemed like she loved serving me in this way. And I ofcourse served her the same... It was fun, loving, beaufitul. We would spend so much time together.... kissing, laying, cuddling, touching, feeling, exploring. 

 

Then.... cue sad music.... we got married. 

 

In an instant, everything changed. 

 

On the night of our wedding, we had sex (it had been months since we had sex last) and yet it seemed like a chore. granted, wedding days are exhausting, so I didn't think much of it. I was tired too. But it definitely wasn't what I'd imagined. I waited (except a few times) my whole life for the wedding night, and it was... ehhhh. 

 

On our honey moon, we had sex maybe 1x per day for 5-7 of the 10 days... but this was the first time that it seemed out of obligation rather than out of passion. Clearly, sex 1x per day is not a problem. That would be amazing today. But the point is not the number of times, but the beginning of the change in attitude around our sexuality. Keep in mind... She was my first sexual partner. So my expectations were different... I had this beautiful girl that was so affectionate pre-marriage, and I expected the climax of marriage to be everything I had waited for. passionate sex with no bounds. But, it wasnt... to say the least. 

 

Fast forward... 

 

My wife and I don't kiss, don't cuddle, barely have any physical contact on a daily basis. I am very sexual and think about sex all of the time and physical touch is really important to me... but for her it seems like just another chore that she needs to get done, eventually. We haven't had sex in about 3 weeks, but when we did it was fun, both had orgasms, everything seems fine in that moment. We actually ended up having sex again later that day. Then after that day 3 painful weeks ago... I slowly attempt to turn off my desire for sex. I try to not think about it, not desire it, not want it. 

 

Why? Because so much of our married life has revolved around my emotional pain of feeling unloved, unwanted, undesired... The feeling of rejection... and honestly, the feeling of being completely fooled prior to marriage. All of the times when we have been alone together, and it apparently didn't cross her mind to serve each other in this way. Or Im taking a shower and ask her to join and she says nah. Or going to be together, just to end up hearing "im tired"... It's exhausting. But the thing is, in each individual instance its not a big deal. I can't point to one moment and say "see, that's the problem." I can't be mad that she didnt want to take a shower together last night. She took one in the morning and didnt want to get her hair wet. Sure. That makes sense. But if I ask 20 times, and she says no 20 times... eventually im like... sweet... i can cross that off of my list of things to do with my wife. Collectively, all of the miro rejections leads me to feel a much deeper rejection and its a depressing place to be. A normal month consists of 100 "nah" and 1 "yeah"... it makes me want to turn off the desire to even want the yeahs. Does  that make sense? 

 

Another big issues, I feel like my wife trapped me... she found someone that is smart, fun and successful (no debt, big house/cars, good income, no financial stress) and scammed me into marrying her with her sexuality as the tool. Granted, I love her more than just for her sexuality... but that is a really big deal for a sexual person that has a strong desire for physical touch... and the moment we married she took it all away. I'm not convinced she did this in a menacing sort of way... but it's like the husband that used to bring flowers home to his girlfriend all of the time... that completely stopped doing that once they married. He got the girl, doesnt need to impress... No more flowers. I feel like that... Like I was tricked. Remember, before getting married I had ZERO sexual partners. I saved my sexual life for my wife. The idea is that I would wait until I was married, and then she and I would live forever in sexual oneness... So on top of being tricked, I feel even more bizarre about saving this part of me for someone that doesn't even want it. 

 

Our normal sexual life is like this... 

 

Day 1. Sex

 

Day 2. Again. 2 days in a row. I'm pumped. 

 

Day 3. We will have a great opportunity... maybe I'm taking a shower while she is getting ready, or we are lying in bed together half-naked (hot out) or the kids are gone for the day and its just her and I... But it doesn't happen on day 3... I become frustrated. Not by the lack of sex... since we just had sex the day before... but the lack of interest... and the fact that she doesn't see the opportunity or look for the chances to be together. I begin to feel like she checked it off her list, and she is good for now. Clearly, day 3 isn't the problem. It's that this is the 1000th day three and I already know what the next days will look like. Day 1 and 2 had so much optimism. But day 3 my reality seems closer to the norm. When she walks by she doesn't grab me, or just kiss me for now reason... she doesn't come sit on my lap and kiss me and tell me something nice.... or lay on me while watching a show... It turns into having two separate universes living in parallel, only feet away. 

 

Day 4, I'll say, "Hey, wanna go hang out for a bit" and she is like... ok maybe later. Then later turns into never. So nothing happens. Still, no physical touch outside of sex either. 

 

Day 5, I begin to get more frustrated... and I think to myself... I'm not going to initiate, she will need to initiate. Of course, she doesn't initiate, so I am more annoyed and admittedly I get a little awnry. I walk by and she doesn't grab my arm, I leave and she might give me a dutiful peck and say I love you... but there certainly isn't a long real kiss. Definitely no open mouth. Peck. Done. I am home a lot, and the kids go to bed early... so we have a ton of time that we could be intimate, having sex or just being close. But nothing. She does housework, runs errands, plays on social media... takes care of kids. And there is literally nothing left for me. At this point I am silently getting sad, depressed and resentful. 

 

The challenge around this time... is that we have had sex 2 of 5 days. Not too shabby really. But what I get frustrated by, and sad about... is my wife just doesn't seem to enjoy me. I'm convinced she likes folding laundry more than touching me. I have to work and have a crazy schedule... but I would literally drop everything to be with her... but for her it's so different. This becomes really tough to handle. 

 

Day 6, I decide..., if I want to be happy, I need to turn off my sexuality and desire...  because if I keep waiting and hoping... I will just be disappointed and I will go nuts. I don't want to be disappointed, so I will just stop being sexual... and stop caring. I say, if she initiates, I can respond. But Im going to turn off my desire to be with her in this way. Im not going to say anything, do anything, or think about her as a sexual partner. Just a roomate. See what happens, if i dont turn this off and we are in bed together and I am hoping for her to initiate... then I can't fall asleep. It's like every movement may mean something. I start interpreting a sigh or nudge or rollover. I wonder what that meant, what should I do... etc. That's followed by a storm, of thoughts... "apparently that nudge/movement/sign meant nothing... clearly she isnt into me, why do I do I have to deal with this, etc..." So I go from ready for bed to wide awake and can't sleep. Sometimes I am wide awake with adrenaline, totally upset. I keep thinking back, why did this person trick me 15 years ago? 

 

Day 7-20 looks a lot like day 6... it's either me being totally frustrated or totally distant. Wanting and frustrated is not a good place to be. That might be the worst. Distance is much easier to cope with. And during these times (day 7-20) I get rude... and short... and probably not fun to be around. Then, somewhere around day 20, (she probably has something on her calendar reminder how long its been...) she comes into our room all ready to rock. We have sex, its fun... we both enjoy it... But, A. No kissing. WTF, right? I would have to literally hold her face in place to kiss. She just lays there while I do the work. Mostly. Sometimes she is on top and its like straight up in/out... and I get this feeling like... can we be done already? She doesn't have an orgasm from intercourse, only oral sex... so the intercourse feels often like I am having sex with an object for my pleasure. Which is super lame. B. No oral sex for me. I give, but don't receive. I like oral sex, a lot... and she's just like... ehhhh... I don't really want to do that. C. 1 orgasm for her is enough. She never wants more than one. No toys. No round 2. One and done. D. When I have an O, it's over. She gets dressed, boom...over. It just feels mechanical. Day 20 is like, Have sex. Be "connected" and then get dressed. 

 

And it leads me to believe... this is sex, not sexuality. This is dutiful sex... in, out, in, out, O... not this beautiful exchange of love and affection and our bodies. 

 

And look, sex as a destination is really a lot worse than masturbation. If my goal is to just have an orgasm, there as much less complicated ways to do this. Right? I don't need to feel all of the highs/lows of a sexual relationship if the sex is just a mechanical act. Know what I mean? But sex isn't just about having an orgasm... its about oneness... love and togetherness. Its about so much more... so even when we do have sex, its not awesome. 

 

So I am left totally confused, not sure how to handle this. 

 

By the way, a couple of things. 

1. We have kids. Obviously that complicates things

2. My wife is hot. Smoking hot. Of all our friends, she is the prettiest. She is pretty, natural, curvy, petite... Seriously hot. 

3. My wife is visually generous... we have sex with the lights on (dimmed), she is totally comfortable with her body... and that's amazing.

4. In someways, this is even worse. Having a hot wife that isnt into sex is like torture. 

 

I guess I just don't know how to handle things. 

1. I'm not sure if she is Asexual. But she could go without sex, for sure. There have been months where we had zero sex. Like 3 months. She didn't care. She doesn't have a strong desire for sex or physical touch. 

2. I am the opposite. I need physical touch like the air I breathe. I see the differences in our kids too... 1 really needs physical touch and the other couldn't care less. 

3. I could keep on this track of suppressing sexual intimacy until she initiates... but that sucks. 

4. I could attempt to convince her that my sexual "needs" are atleast X number of days per week... but that just feels crappy. Again, it goes into this dutiful category that sucks. 

5. I could go outside the marriage, that too sucks. Considering I've been with 1 woman... this would be a massive shift. 

6. I've seriously considered divorcing. Because honestly, this isn't working. My frustration turns to being a bad husband relationally... on day 1 and 2 I am happy, jovial and in good spirits. I do everything for her. I somehow become a dream husband. I am kind and patient...  I am looking all over for ways to please her. Everything from making her coffee in the morning to washing her car or whatever... I am looking for ways to serve her. (how it should be, yes i know ) However, somehow between day 3 and 21... I'm like, get your own damn coffee. She asks me to help with X and I'm like... sure, in a bit. On day 3 she didn't need to ask because I was crushing this husband thing... but on day 21 that same guy is nowhere to be found. I've already had 5-10 nights that I couldn't sleep (lying on the couch watching TV all night, in and out of sleep) and have spent a crap ton of time pissed/sad/frustrated/angry/alone. So I turn into a terrible husband. This isn't good for her, and it certainly isnt good for me. 15 years isnt good, but 50 would be terrible. 

7. I want her to know, if we were more intimate, I would be a better husband. But that is just the stupidest thing ever. It's not like there is an exchange, where you give me sex and I am nice... like a caveman... but ultimately this is where it goes. If I don't feel wanted, I get frustrated... and frustration brings its own emotions with symptoms of shitty husband. I know this, its stupid. But I can't stop it. 

8. If I wanted to stop it, how would I? Stop caring? Stop being frustrated? Stop desiring intimacy? Something has to give right? I can't be totally into my wife, not be bummed when rejected, and super stoked to serve her. 1 of those three would have to go. Which is lame. 

9. in other areas of life, these equations are so much less petty. We know that the time and energy and devotion we put into food for instance... fuels the rest of our day. If we eat like crap, or don't eat at all... we feel terrible. But when my wife (she does mostly all cooking) makes great nutritious/tasty meals, our entire family is better because of it. Right? And we know this about shelter and clothing and everything else. But with sex... it seems normative (for her and many others) that it really isn't important... and the exchange of grumpy husband to devoted super husband hinges on a beautiful sex life is absurd. She gets this idea of putting energy into our meals, but the idea of putting energy into a sex life is totally absurd. If we have a crappy sex life (the pringles of sex) or no sex life (not eating anything all day) then ofcourse there is a negative impact. Just like bad food or no food produces a bad result, same with bad sex or no sex. Right? 

10. Can someone change? Can this be a hormone thing? As much as I want a better sex life, I also don't want to demand it. That makes it tough to handle. I don't want to take something, I want it to be given freely. Know what I mean? I am sure I could convince her that for me to be happy I need X more of whatever... I need to kiss, and hug, and massage and whatever... but if she doesn't want that too... that becomes a strange exchange. 

11. Has anyone had success with any type of therapy or medication or hormone therapy for women? I know with men taking Testosterone for instance, could really change sexual desire. Is there anything like that for women? 

 

Any insight out there? Sorry again for the long read! 

 

 

Welcome and sorry you are here. There is a lot of insight among the people who comment in the AVEN forums. Many of us could describe our lives the way you have, give or take a few decades. Unfortunately the only people who can find solutions for your marriage are the two of you who are in it. You know this already. Your wife has to talk honestly with you and you with her. Without honesty it is pointless even broaching the subject of what is going on. I found my ace opened up only after many years of misery.  I used very clear language and stuck to how our relationship has impacted me and on what possible solutions might look like. I then gave him plenty of space and some time (a few days tops) to respond. He would prefer to avoid reality indefinitely. We started with written messages and now can talk face to face more openly. The truth hurts, so be prepared to hear what you probably have known deep down for years but have not been able to confront even inside your own head. Know that everything you are feeling is normal. You love your wife and want a fulfilling relationship with her. Some people do not need physical connection. You clearly do. It's a vital part of your life support system as it were. If your wife cannot provide the touch you need to thrive as a human being, you will have to come up with a plan B. If she can't due to who she is, that is not her fault. I think you get that, and it's why you are on AVEN rather than on another forum letting loose with the bitterness your natural resentment could easily turn into. 

[uhtred]

Sexual mismatches in marriage are a big problem. 

 

Are you able to talk to her about it.   You are not having sex that infrequently - it sounds like lack of passion is more of the issue.  Can you find out if she ever enjoys sex or has she been doing it just for you?   If you can talk its possible that there are some things she does enjoy and that there is an overall better solution, 

 

If she never enjoys sex, then at least you can get an idea of her feelings. She may not actively enjoy it but be happy to do some things that you enjoy. (since that is what she seems to be doing now)