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How did you get married to an asexual?

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cbc

@Telecaster68 Oh I'm not crying now, nope. :lol: 

 

(Thank you, that's a beautiful little piece.)

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Philip027

I may be a music-indifferent heathen, but I still find this topic heartwarming.

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uhtred

In addition to sexual / asexual, and LD/HD, romantic / aromantic - there are also big differences in the sort of aromatic / sexual activity people want.   Often its not what one might naively expect. For my nearly asexual wife, sex is just something we jump in and do.  She enjoys non-sexual contact - but doesn't particularly want that before sex.   I'm much higher libido, but I like sex as the end of lots of romance and non-sexual touching.  I like the whole day to be foreplay - though an occasional quickie would be fine.

 

All leads to my feeling that its important that a couple discover their compatibility before getting into a long term relationship.

 

 

 

 

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cbc
11 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I may be a music-indifferent heathen, but I still find this topic heartwarming.

There's hope for you yet, Philip. :P I don't think I've ever seen you use the word 'heartwarming' before, so.

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cbc
8 minutes ago, uhtred said:

All leads to my feeling that its important that a couple discover their compatibility before getting into a long term relationship.

Absolutely, yeah. It's more than just "we both want sex" or "we're both romantic". Like I said before somewhere, all of that stuff is a... conversation. Just a non-verbal one. I can talk with a fellow native English-speaker from my Toronto-area hometown and the discussion can still suck if we don't use language in the same way.

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Telecaster68

@Traveler40

 

So many similarities - Cluster B parents, cautious in trusting people, partner’s lack of emotional affect seeming like a welcome placidity to start with, not much teenage dating, sex being ‘off’ from the start, broken promises... and as @TimeDelay says the lack of emotional communication (in my case because I’m pretty sure my wife had very little insight into her own feelings and went into a panic when I tried to pin down what they were). 

 

My theory is that many of us sexuals who stick around have learned very low expectations for getting our needs met as kids (kind of the opposite of a sense of entitlement); and we want a calm relationship, and we see our partners’ lack of demonstrativeness as that calm, only finding out later there’s nothing but calm.

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SusannaC

Agree.  Low expectations going in and very attracted to calm, laid back non threatening. 

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cbc
14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

cautious in trusting people, partner’s lack of emotional affect seeming like a welcome placidity to start with, not much teenage dating, sex being ‘off’ from the start

All of this is applicable to me as well. My lack of significant dating experience definitely led to the situation I found myself in. (Someone loves me! I like them! I've never felt more accepted and listened to by another person in my life and they don't really require much of me, so let's get married!) And my parents are hella screwed up, just not in a Cluster B sorta way and they're quite outwardly functional so they pass as not a mess. But anxiety and self-worth issues out the wazoo with my mum and my dad is the most emotionally-repressed human being I've ever met, so. Just earlier this year I learnt my mum tried to commit suicide after finding out her ex-boyfriend at the time had recently attempted the same. My dad found her on the bathroom floor. I'm learning a lot more about both of them as an adult that I wish I'd known when I began struggling myself when I was much younger.

 

Anyway, yeah. Who we are leads to the situations in which we find ourselves. General life principle, really.

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anisotrophic

My current "theory" is that I was unattractive & adapted to it by taking initiative & asking. Which means I think I got some great sex in – glad to have that. Men tend to say yes (not always). Screw them all, it's very fun, a threesome really is amazing (at least the sort where you get to be the center of attention) – if you get the chance, do take it.

But as a result: I landed with someone who wasn't attracted to anyone. Because I was unattractive – men said "yes", but... those men that were capable of attraction sorted themselves out by chasing people they were more attracted to. The sort that was left was someone that didn't see me as less valuable than others in this respect.

My partner says this "theory" is BS (well maybe he'd say bollocks, but he's pretty americanized at this point) and I'm just inventing new ways to feel bad about myself. (Probably also true. I'm inventive. That's why I put airquotes on "theory".)

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Telecaster68
24 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

My current "theory" is that I was unattractive & adapted to it by taking initiative & asking. Which means I think I got some great sex in – glad to have that. Men tend to say yes (not always). Screw them all, it's very fun, a threesome really is amazing (at least the sort where you get to be the center of attention) – if you get the chance, do take it.

But as a result: I landed with someone who wasn't attracted to anyone. Because I was unattractive – men said "yes", but... those men that were capable of attraction sorted themselves out by chasing people they were more attracted to. The sort that was left was someone that didn't see me as less valuable than others in this respect.

My partner says this "theory" is BS (well maybe he'd say bollocks, but he's pretty americanized at this point) and I'm just inventing new ways to feel bad about myself. (Probably also true. I'm inventive. That's why I put airquotes on "theory".)

I think it's more to do with confidence than physical attractiveness - yours and the men in question. Confident people only accept what they want because they don't question they can get it. Diffident people accept what they're presented with, in case they never get another offer. 

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Traveler40
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

My theory is that many of us sexuals who stick around have learned very low expectations for getting our needs met as kids (kind of the opposite of a sense of entitlement); and we want a calm relationship, and we see our partners’ lack of demonstrativeness as that calm, only finding out later there’s nothing but calm.

Yes.  Additionally, the strength of surviving the early years allows for more self sacrifice perhaps.  It’s somewhat like an “I’m strong, I can take it!” mentality. 

 

My husband needs me. This is one of the finer, yet tougher points.  

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Traveler40
5 hours ago, uhtred said:

All leads to my feeling that its important that a couple discover their compatibility before getting into a long term relationship.

 

Many folks, myself included, need to connect thoroughly before taking it to bed.  I think your point is a great idea in theory, yet way more complicated in practice.

 

As my lover put it early on, before being told the reason for my search:

 

”I think that you have compatibility with your husband, but no chemistry. Many connect these two notions, but I see them as wholly separate. You can have one without the other.” 

 

I’ll take it a step further and tie it back to my first point: I need the compatibility to find the chemistry. With my husband, that second part never materialized of course. Once compatibility is established, without knowledge of the trajectory, one is likely to make all sorts of excuses for the lack of chemistry. If all else is in place, you may not understand until it really is too late.

 

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AceMissBehaving
4 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

My current "theory" is that I was unattractive & adapted to it by taking initiative & asking. Which means I think I got some great sex in – glad to have that. Men tend to say yes (not always). Screw them all, it's very fun, a threesome really is amazing (at least the sort where you get to be the center of attention) – if you get the chance, do take it.

But as a result: I landed with someone who wasn't attracted to anyone. Because I was unattractive – men said "yes", but... those men that were capable of attraction sorted themselves out by chasing people they were more attracted to. The sort that was left was someone that didn't see me as less valuable than others in this respect.

My partner says this "theory" is BS (well maybe he'd say bollocks, but he's pretty americanized at this point) and I'm just inventing new ways to feel bad about myself. (Probably also true. I'm inventive. That's why I put airquotes on "theory".)

I don’t know, most sexual people I know still won’t have sex with someone they found unattractive, and asexual people still find some people attractive and others unattractive. 

 

I know our inner critics never really play fair, so I get the feelings, but I have to assume your husband is right on this one.

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anisotrophic
58 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

most sexual people I know still won’t have sex with someone they found unattractive

Meh. I think young men are not known for being particularly selective when an opportunity presents itself. If the choice was me vs. nothing, they'd take it until something better comes along. The difference between the side piece and the prize.

At this point my unattractiveness seems like a given, I don't think much about it. Life is easier when I stop wishing otherwise.

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Serran
13 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Meh. I think young men are not known for being particularly selective when an opportunity presents itself. If the choice was me vs. nothing, they'd take it until something better comes along. The difference between the side piece and the prize.

At this point my unattractiveness seems like a given, I don't think much about it. Life is easier when I stop wishing otherwise.

You probably arent unattractive. Though, I know it wont help to say. I am pretty much at the point of being attractive seems a thing of my past. 

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CatsandDogs
On 7/29/2019 at 5:48 PM, uhtred said:

Unfortunately asexuality can masquerade as different things - especially when the asexual person doesn't know that asexuality exists.  They feel that they *should* want sex, but don't - so they interpret that as being tired or busy or sick. Or maybe thy think that their partner is not romantic enough.  (my wife thought that about me for a long time - before finally realizing that she had no idea what she wanted when she said "romantic" - it really meant that she wanted me to find something that I could do that would make her desire me.

 

 

Yes, this is how my boyfriend feels...that there is something wrong with him because he has no interest in sex. Unfortunately he is struggling to come to terms with his identity and accepting himself. He doesn’t want to talk about it, get help or work on finding ways to address this component of our relationship. To him it’s just not important so even though he says he loves me he does not try to find alternative ways to help meet my needs to feel loved, seen and supported. 

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CatsandDogs
19 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I actually had to organize my thoughts on this as our relationship came to pass from all the stuff before it.  Brace yourselves (and perhaps grab some popcorn?) 😂

 

Background:

 

Highly successful parents, both with shades of NPD.  We were raised knowing we could do anything and were given every opportunity in life. Somehow, this makes you believe you can do anything.  I was mainly left to my own devices which means independence and solo accomplishments were givens. Loyalty, honesty, hard work and perseverance were foundational teachings. 

 

While that’s all well and good, my Father shifted a lot.  He taught all of the above, but lived by a separate set of rules that trumped all. I felt like I was on an iceberg and didn’t know which way it might shift many times. 

 

Early Romance:

 

I had crushes, but never ever let on. It was too scary, so I preferred to live in books.  I loved all of the Victorian sex books.  They were deliciously nasty: The Romance of Lust is an example. Somewhere along the way, I learned that I didn’t really need a relationship to experience and explore. Enter lots and lots of masturbation.  It was safer.  So, I was everyone’s buddy, and the guys wanted to date/hook up, but I was kind of above the fray.  Oddly, a blend of too school for cool, too pretty to approach and too distant to catch kept me solo.  If that’s not enough, I’d friend zone any guy immediately. This both suited and insulated me from boyfriend hopping.

 

Basically, 3 boyfriends, 3 continents and 15 years later, I found myself pushing 30. I’d moved back to the States after years abroad and was deeply lonely upon re-entry. Life had moved on while away, and the loneliness was killing me. My family was a mess, my friends were paired up and dating was the pits. 

 

Finding My husband:

 

Ever the goal oriented one, I decided I needed to find a husband STAT. Having done the math, time was of the essence.  I also knew that sometime in your 30’s the power shift happens and didn’t fancy being behind the 8 Ball.  Therefore, I was an early adopter of online dating.  This was back when it was unconventional and a hush-hush thing. It was also back when you met in thoughts and words which drops the noise and early barriers which is helpful. Somehow, it also seemed simpler.

 

We didn’t live near one another, but everything else lined up so well.  It was slow, and I loved that about him.  His sincerity and deeply caring nature had me intuitively know I could trust him. He was solid, loyal, a rock, a hard worker and honest as the day is long. We wanted the same things and he had an element that drew me in: I saw that he needed me. I also could lean on him, and he’d be there. He was not a “shifting iceberg” and had all of the other elements I was looking for emotionally. It was a great fit.

 

Sex was weird: Short, tentative, more quick than passionate. It never was “normal” unless he’d had a few drinks.  It didn’t matter at the time as I overlooked it figuring he just needed to be shown. He was respectful and a very good man.  Dirty wasn’t part of who he is, and I’d figured we’d morph with time and practice.  We talked a lot about it early on. He never had any fantasies which was odd, but I figured he was too shy to say. That was ok! We would take it slow and learn together. 

 

We started fighting about sex fairly quickly. I’d flown him to Hawaii for a quick vacation around year one, and nothing. He had a ton of believable excuses.  Then, once back, he’d produce only after a fight about it.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Why didn’t he understand that sex is binding and fundamentally necessary for the peace and health of the relationship?  He always said he’d try harder, and I believed him.  He referenced his childhood a lot, and also said he wasn’t a “sexual dynamo” frequently. He told me that he was fully inhibited due to his upbringing and needed a beer to lessen the stress. I always stocked beer...

 

I bought books, recorded shows, explained to him a thousand different ways what I needed, but to no avail. He loves me fully, but very early on, we could go months with nothing. Yet, everything else was amazing. I was around 32-33, just finishing up a masters degree and knee deep in a career, when I realized time was running out. Also, I knew what an amazing man he was.  We got married the next year.

 

When it came time to have children, he found an excuse every single time.  All I needed was his sperm though, so we went through IVF. Twice.

 

I was so busy for 8 years having the family, I didn’t stop to dwell on the fact that we never had sex. Oh, occasionally I did of course, and it would crop up, but generally we’d ignore it and focus on the babies. I was tired of the merry-go-round discussions to nowhere.

 

By then, I’d done the whole, “Is he gay? Deviant? Into alternative kink? Not attracted to me?” and come up empty. Instead, I Googled in my downtime and only ever turned up “sexless marriage” articles.  It was a waste of time, but I did it a lot across years. I never once came across asexuality.  Otherwise, I spent a ton of time with friends and immersed in hobbies. 

 

During that time, I was resentful. Not because of the lack of sex, but because of the broken promises. I felt he didn’t truly care about what I needed. It was explicitly explained ad nauseam.  He always and earnestly promised to try, but never once lifted a finger. I knew there was a problem, a major problem, but didn’t know what. The secret was killing me as well.  

 

The Breaking Point:

 

I’ve chronicled this in my journey previously. Having a hysterectomy increased my libido to a level I could no longer handle on my own. 

 

No matter how much talking we did, and it’s months worth across time, it was useless. The day I found AVEN (early 2017) my world stopped spinning for a moment.  The a-ha’s reverberated for hours.  I’m still having a-ha moments actually.  The rest, you already know.

 

TLDR:

 

- Detached parents begot independent children

- Never bounced around with boyfriends 

- Carefully selected a man based on emotional needs at the time

- Biological clock forced my hand

- Knew there was a problem, no idea what 

- Created my life around my husband

- Life forced me to deal with it post hysterectomy

 

There you have it.

So what happened next? I am new to this site and 2 years into a great relationship with a wonderful man who just disclosed he is asexual. I don’t know what to do and am curious about your experience because I have only ever had  relationships where sex is the main attraction (pun intended) so this is a new experience for me. I would feel more angry and duped if I didn’t know that he is just starting to realize his identity himself. I feel like I am at my breaking point and that’s why he is starting to be honest about his sexuality but now what? Did you stay with your husband?

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Traveler40

Welcome @CatsandDogs, it’s good you found your way to AVEN!  There’s a ton of information here, and I’ve read almost daily for about 2.5 years with revelations still occurring. 

 

My story is just that.  Yes, we are still together.  I will post a link to my general story at the end of this post for you to find.  

 

As @TimeDelay recently noted, there’s so much wisdom here.  Please dig in, read as much as you can and don’t be afraid to reach out if you need to. Please feel free to PM me any time.

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/161076-sexual-wifeasexual-husband-truce/

 

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uhtred
11 hours ago, CBC said:

All of this is applicable to me as well. My lack of significant dating experience definitely led to the situation I found myself in. (Someone loves me! I like them! I've never felt more accepted and listened to by another person in my life and they don't really require much of me, so let's get married!) And my parents are hella screwed up, just not in a Cluster B sorta way and they're quite outwardly functional so they pass as not a mess. But anxiety and self-worth issues out the wazoo with my mum and my dad is the most emotionally-repressed human being I've ever met, so. Just earlier this year I learnt my mum tried to commit suicide after finding out her ex-boyfriend at the time had recently attempted the same. My dad found her on the bathroom floor. I'm learning a lot more about both of them as an adult that I wish I'd known when I began struggling myself when I was much younger.

 

Anyway, yeah. Who we are leads to the situations in which we find ourselves. General life principle, really.

There does seem a somewhat common thread of people who had little dating experience - maybe they are less able to recognize when things are not following a typical pattern.

 

Maybe also screwed up parents are common.  Mine were as well - in ways that I didn't recognize until much later in life.

 

I second the "someone loves me - its the most wonderful thing in the world".  

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cbc
51 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I second the "someone loves me - its the most wonderful thing in the world". 

It is, yeah -- and much more so when it's the right person. Don't get me wrong, being loved by someone you respect (and who respects you) and who cares about you deeply is great. Especially when you've never really been close to someone before and they accept you for who you are. But as an unbalanced and mismatched relationship in certain areas (romantically and sexually, in the case of me and my husband), it certainly feels hollow and lonely and unfulfilling at times. Having found the right relationship now feels nothing less than mind-blowing in comparison. It's all the comfort and friendship and support and acceptance stuff, plus the romantic/sexual connection.

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yokokurama

My wife and I have been together for about 8 years. We are coming up on our 1-year anniversary of being married.

 

We fell in love because of shared interests and we love each other’s personality. Sex was non-existent at the beginning and is non-existent now. I plan on sharing more details in another post to ask for advice but I wanted to reply here to explain how the situation happened.

 

Unfortunately, we live in a place where abstinence only education is still very common. During the relationship we would discuss sex here and there and she would explain that when the instructors were talking about abstinence until marriage, she took it to heart, despite not being very religious. When we did talk about it, she did mention that she understood sex to be an important part of a marriage. I endured the wait because I respected her decision. She is a virgin, but I am not. We got married last year and both of us were WAY too tired to even think about sex on the wedding night itself. After a few days I did ask her when she wanted to try to begin the sexual side of our relationship and was met with cold hostility. She would cross her arms, say she did not know, and explain that she did not want to talk about it. This happened a couple of times and each time I felt hurt afterwards because I did not know what the hell was going on. Eventually we talked about it again in detail and she explained that when I asked her about when we were going to start it, she felt pressured by it and then she thought that I got really mad when she would say she did not know when. I explained to her that it was more of a disappointment thing because I had expected sex to come more naturally after we got married and she explained to me that she had thought sex would just happen naturally after we got married as well. Not long after that we had another discussion where she admitted to researching the average amount of sex for married couples and was shocked to her core. She had assumed that my sex drive was really high because of the few times I asked about it. She then started doing more research and discovered asexuality and explained to me that the description of it fit her exactly. She had thought that getting married would change her desire but was shocked to find that she still just felt the same after the wedding. She has admitted to masturbating and said that she has thought of me before but it did not provide her with any desire. She feels that the main thing masturbation should be used for is the clinical aspect that it can help with menstrual pain. We agreed that couples counseling might be a good option for us but have not pulled the trigger on that yet. At the moment it has been about 5-6 months since we last discussed anything sexual. The relationship is going fairly well, but lately I have been thinking about the lack of sex again and the fact that she has no interest in it whatsoever and is also repulsed by it. I have started entertaining the idea of an open marriage but am not sure how she would react to the request.

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Chihiro
On 7/30/2019 at 11:01 PM, Telecaster68 said:

My theory is that many of us sexuals who stick around have learned very low expectations for getting our needs met as kids (kind of the opposite of a sense of entitlement); and we want a calm relationship, and we see our partners’ lack of demonstrativeness as that calm, only finding out later there’s nothing but calm.

This seems surprisingly true for many aces in my ace-dating experience. Many are lonely and have low self esteem with low expectations, so they are willing to pair up with any asexual that they take a liking to or any asexual that fancies them (even if they aren't their type). The goal seems to be to just fill each other's emptiness/loneliness. I want to be in relationship because I am special to someone, not simply because I get along with them. It saddens me to think that my choices are to either be single for the rest of my life or to relationship with compatible asexual partner without ever being special to them.

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Traveler40
5 hours ago, Chihiro said:

This seems surprisingly true for many aces in my ace-dating experience. Many are lonely and have low self esteem with low expectations, so they are willing to pair up with any asexual that they take a liking to or any asexual that fancies them (even if they aren't their type). The goal seems to be to just fill each other's emptiness/loneliness. I want to be in relationship because I am special to someone, not simply because I get along with them. It saddens me to think that my choices are to either be single for the rest of my life or to relationship with compatible asexual partner without ever being special to them.

Perhaps @Telecaster68 can pop in and clarify, but I don’t think this is what he meant. It doesn’t hold true to my experience or understanding of his post.

 

Learning low expectations for having your needs met is not equivalent to low self esteem or settling for what you can get.  

 

For myself, my standards are incredibly high. I know who I am and what I am looking for, and am laser focused when searching for it.  My search has always been based on the MAN and compatibility, never on his performance in the bedroom (which is both secondary and unknown at the outset). 

 

Your description makes me sad, but is counter to what I read as Tele’s point.

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Chihiro
10 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Your description makes me sad, but is counter to what I read as Tele’s point.

Perhaps. I have never tried dating sexuals, but this is what I see a lot of asexuals doing as a result of their low self esteem.

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Asearching

Problem statement:  Many asexuals don’t know (or want to admit) that they are asexual!!!   They may be ignorant or in denial and may use convenient excuses or stereotypes (ie this what marriage is supposed to be like) to rationalize their lack of sexual desire.  This scenario is maddening for a “sexual” trying to ascertain the root cause of the lack of intimacy with their partner.  

 

My suggestion is to ask direct questions - ie do you want to have sex with me?  Do you get excited at the idea of a beautiful, attractive, caring naked man/woman?  Do you get aroused when you think about sex acts (with anyone)?  Do you enjoy touching your or others’ genitals?  After being married for 10 years, I was shocked to hear a “no” on to all of these.

 

To be clear, I was an attractive, successful, loving and generous husband.  I did my share of the chores, gave her plenty of “me” time and did everything I could to build a caring environment for our family.

 

But my story is a lot like everyone else’s... When we first started dating sex was “okay” and relatively frequent, like most nights/mornings.  She was pretty up front about her difficulties having orgasm during sex.  We experimented and got to the point where she get off orally or with toys while we had sex.  But same old story, sex fell off after the wedding, less enthusiastic at first (“oh you just get off, I don’t want to take the time to orgasm”), then less frequent (always a plausible excuse), then unavoidably absent.  I would bring it up, with only vague excuses like “it takes me while to get into it”.  After our first daughter intimacy collapsed completely - no sex for weeks, dispassionate or downright uncomfortable for her.  Lack of kissing, etc.  We went to a dark place in our relationship for almost 5 years.  Then I found AVEN while literally googling “why won’t my wife have sex with me”.  Lightbulb went on!  I asked her point blank “do you find me attractive - like want to have sex with me?” NO.  “Are there any men or women you want to have sex with?” NO.  “Does a penis or vagina excite you at all?” NO.

 

After 18 months of counseling to confirm her orientation, we have agreed to get divorced after 10 years of marriage, 2 kids and 15 years together.  Best thing that could have happened to us!!!!

 

Years of self-degredation, feeling ugly, unwanted, low self-worth, etc. were totally unnecessary.  For her, living in denial, feeling stupid, shameful.  Now we are free to pursue our own sexuality and be the best people we can be!!

Edited by Asearching
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Sinking_In
On 7/29/2019 at 10:33 AM, anisotrophic said:

Sex is expected to occur.

This probably, above all else, is the problem. It has led to every problem in our sexual relationship. My wife felt it was expected, but failed to inform me that she was doing it more so out of obligation than any desire for it. We fell in love regarding who we are in relation to one another. Sex had little to do with our falling in love, but it had a lot to do with the tension and problems with our relationship AFTER we were married. Initially, sex was fine, because when I initiated, she engaged. I was always the one to initiate, which looking back was the first indicator I missed. I always knew her libido was much lower than my own, but as time went on, it seemed it was actually nonexistent. Once sex had served its purpose (dating => engagement => marriage => kids) sex became more a burdensome chore to her than anything else. It wasn't until after we married and had kids that she expressed it in the only way she knew how, to say sex just wasn't something she liked as much as I did. I didn't know what to make of it, and took it rather personally. Of course now I think I get, as best a sexual person can, but do I feel duped? A little, but I blame myself for not seeing it sooner. Neither of us had ever heard of asexuality as an orientation, and since she was engaging in sex, it was never discussed, not until now. Things are better, at least for the time being. Just knowing helped. Truth is, had we known back when we were dating, I don't think either of us would have continued the relationship beyond being just friends.

 

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anamikanon

My ace found me online. I am something of a known voice on many issues of public interest and he found me inspiring and had been following me on social media for a while. In fact, much after we were together, I found several comments from him to me, some of which I had replied to as well, which hadn't stuck in my memory at all. After a few years of me not knowing he existed and him admiring me, a chance conversation led to a deeper conversation and a possibility for collaboration, which we took to chat.

 

He was extremely awestruck in the beginning and put me on a pedestal. I liked him for his simplicity, though the awe irritated me (I'm OCD egalitarian - just like you don't put someone down, you don't put someone higher either). We became friends pretty fast, and he came to visit me. I found that surprising, since I am asocial and he lived in another city, so the idea of going to another city just to meet someone you found on social media seemed pretty extreme.

 

But he came, and we hit it off in person as well. It was love at first sight between him and my son too.

 

From the very start, there were mixed messages sexually. For eg, he seemed to be very interested and even turned on, but it never went anywhere, and if I responded, it took him by surprise. Unknown to me, he had told his parents to stop trying to matchmake, because he was interested in someone, who wasn't interested in him. lol

 

With time the interest got pretty obvious and when I acted on what appeared to be sexual interest, he initially responded, then didn't, then responded, then was awkward... and told me that he'd never had sex before and wasn't expecting sex. And my mind was a mess of "did I just force someone who was awed by me into sex?" and then "what were those lingering glances and touches all about?". I did apologize instantly and profusely and he assured me that he liked it and was definitely interested in sex, just inexperienced. It should have been a red flag. A man in his mid thirties, clueless on sex.

 

But strangely, or possibly because asexuality wasn't even on my radar, he explained it off as a matter of circumstances in a way that made sense. We did get into a sexual relationship and it was always "off". Initially I explained it off to myself as inexperience, then I was concerned that he was losing interest, there was always something or the other, but he neither lost interest, nor did the sex get better.

 

It wasn't bad so much as "off". We had some fantastic sex too. Since we were in a long distance relationship, the windows of time in which we had sex were quite short and distant, so it worked well enough, though on longer trips he used to be distinctly disinterested in sex after the first day or so. Not having the male anatomy, I just guessed that perhaps some men need a longer recovery time...

 

This went on for several years. We got serious, engaged, then married. His family adored us, my family saw him as one of us. He became the legal guardian of my son... and then finally he decided to move in with me. We had been planning it for a while and looking forward to it and I was quite excited.

 

Except things didn't quite turn out to be like that. For a fortnight after he came, we had no sexual contact. Then there was one instance, and a few days later he told me he was planning to attend some event for asexuals. He wasn't sure, but it sounded something "interesting". It was like a light bulb went on in my head. One google search definition later, I knew he was asexual. All the inexplicable things were suddenly clear.

 

What took us so long to realize? Well, ignorance on my part. I was such a sexual creature, the idea that someone could be perfectly healthy and not want sex at all was not a part of "reality" at all. On his end, he kept expecting it to "click" one day and he isn't averse, so it didn't bother him to keep trying till it clicked, so to say.

 

The prospect of living with someone 24/7 and sleeping with them every night with the possibility of sex gave him a reality check and he sort of froze and probably for the first time realized something may be off and seeked answers and probably found them in the form of the event he could attend to find out more.

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glyders

At first it was the most sex I'd had in a relationship. She definitely made all the first moves. Then after getting children, she stopped sex (and kissing, holding hands, etc). Several years later she realised she was ace.

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Sinking_In
On 7/30/2019 at 10:31 AM, Telecaster68 said:

My theory is that many of us sexuals who stick around have learned very low expectations for getting our needs met as kids (kind of the opposite of a sense of entitlement); and we want a calm relationship, and we see our partners’ lack of demonstrativeness as that calm, only finding out later there’s nothing but calm.

I had to go back through some of these threads, and ^this made me think of myself, as well. I'd support this theory as well. I've recently realized my mother was in all likelihood asexual, and my father, sexual. They fought EVERY DAY, about anything and everything, but I now have a feeling lack of sex (for father) and pressure for sex (for mother) was at the root of most of it. Neither of them seemed to have their needs met, in any regard, and neither seemed to know how to meet the needs of their children (though some attempts were made). When I met my wife, it was "the calm" I think I was most drawn to. That, and we had a lot of things in common for what we liked and wanted (sex just not being one of those things), and we seemed to satisfy one another's needs, calmly, completely, in the year leading to marriage, and it felt amazing. After which, of course, it all went to Hell in a downward spiral, until recently that is, when I hit rock bottom, found AVEN, and have started to pick myself (and our relationship) back up.

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GlamRocker
On 7/30/2019 at 8:36 AM, Traveler40 said:

Tangentially, a friend gave me a book way back when that was a collection of input from octogenarians asked, “If you had to do it over again, what would you do differently?”

 

This response stuck with me, and made me rethink my 20’s.  That response was:

 

”I’d have fucked them all!” 💥

 

Hahahahaha. - That always makes me laugh.

 

On 7/30/2019 at 11:32 AM, Telecaster68 said:

When the English poet laureate John Betjeman was dying, someone asked him if he had any regrets. He said 'not enough sex'.

Wow. I already know without a shadow of a doubt I'm an asexual, but these responses just make me feel so... what the hell am I missing here?! If I were to go back, I would have never even had sex at all. When I did in the past I just didn't know any better... I put myself through something I didn't enjoy because I was hoping to enjoy it. I was looking for something that's NOT THERE.

 

My husband married me knowing what I was like, because I told him... even though I didn't know that what I was describing is an actual THING, with a NAME... at least I didn't know it YET and I was afraid he not only wouldn't believe me but also that I couldn't even explain it right to where he would really understand what I was trying to say. But he DID and later on in our marriage, it became clear that my lack of interest graduating to actual DISLIKE of having sex was actually one of the reasons he married me. He is GLAD to not have to deal with it. Even though he identifies as a sexual person, and still desires sexual union in some way, the anxiety he feels around it is just too great. He's happier with me, fourteen years of good times seems to prove it. These are all things we've talked about and he's actually said to me, I'm not playing guesswork here.

 

So that's how my husband ended up married to an asexual.

 

On 7/30/2019 at 1:47 PM, SusannaC said:

Agree.  Low expectations going in and very attracted to calm, laid back non threatening. 

Yeah, this sounds like what my husband was just LOOKING FOR.

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