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How did you get married to an asexual?


Winged Whisperer

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5 hours ago, Chihiro said:

This seems surprisingly true for many aces in my ace-dating experience. Many are lonely and have low self esteem with low expectations, so they are willing to pair up with any asexual that they take a liking to or any asexual that fancies them (even if they aren't their type). The goal seems to be to just fill each other's emptiness/loneliness. I want to be in relationship because I am special to someone, not simply because I get along with them. It saddens me to think that my choices are to either be single for the rest of my life or to relationship with compatible asexual partner without ever being special to them.

Perhaps @Telecaster68 can pop in and clarify, but I don’t think this is what he meant. It doesn’t hold true to my experience or understanding of his post.

 

Learning low expectations for having your needs met is not equivalent to low self esteem or settling for what you can get.  

 

For myself, my standards are incredibly high. I know who I am and what I am looking for, and am laser focused when searching for it.  My search has always been based on the MAN and compatibility, never on his performance in the bedroom (which is both secondary and unknown at the outset). 

 

Your description makes me sad, but is counter to what I read as Tele’s point.

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10 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Your description makes me sad, but is counter to what I read as Tele’s point.

Perhaps. I have never tried dating sexuals, but this is what I see a lot of asexuals doing as a result of their low self esteem.

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  • 1 month later...

Problem statement:  Many asexuals don’t know (or want to admit) that they are asexual!!!   They may be ignorant or in denial and may use convenient excuses or stereotypes (ie this what marriage is supposed to be like) to rationalize their lack of sexual desire.  This scenario is maddening for a “sexual” trying to ascertain the root cause of the lack of intimacy with their partner.  

 

My suggestion is to ask direct questions - ie do you want to have sex with me?  Do you get excited at the idea of a beautiful, attractive, caring naked man/woman?  Do you get aroused when you think about sex acts (with anyone)?  Do you enjoy touching your or others’ genitals?  After being married for 10 years, I was shocked to hear a “no” on to all of these.

 

To be clear, I was an attractive, successful, loving and generous husband.  I did my share of the chores, gave her plenty of “me” time and did everything I could to build a caring environment for our family.

 

But my story is a lot like everyone else’s... When we first started dating sex was “okay” and relatively frequent, like most nights/mornings.  She was pretty up front about her difficulties having orgasm during sex.  We experimented and got to the point where she get off orally or with toys while we had sex.  But same old story, sex fell off after the wedding, less enthusiastic at first (“oh you just get off, I don’t want to take the time to orgasm”), then less frequent (always a plausible excuse), then unavoidably absent.  I would bring it up, with only vague excuses like “it takes me while to get into it”.  After our first daughter intimacy collapsed completely - no sex for weeks, dispassionate or downright uncomfortable for her.  Lack of kissing, etc.  We went to a dark place in our relationship for almost 5 years.  Then I found AVEN while literally googling “why won’t my wife have sex with me”.  Lightbulb went on!  I asked her point blank “do you find me attractive - like want to have sex with me?” NO.  “Are there any men or women you want to have sex with?” NO.  “Does a penis or vagina excite you at all?” NO.

 

After 18 months of counseling to confirm her orientation, we have agreed to get divorced after 10 years of marriage, 2 kids and 15 years together.  Best thing that could have happened to us!!!!

 

Years of self-degredation, feeling ugly, unwanted, low self-worth, etc. were totally unnecessary.  For her, living in denial, feeling stupid, shameful.  Now we are free to pursue our own sexuality and be the best people we can be!!

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On 7/29/2019 at 10:33 AM, anisotrophic said:

Sex is expected to occur.

This probably, above all else, is the problem. It has led to every problem in our sexual relationship. My wife felt it was expected, but failed to inform me that she was doing it more so out of obligation than any desire for it. We fell in love regarding who we are in relation to one another. Sex had little to do with our falling in love, but it had a lot to do with the tension and problems with our relationship AFTER we were married. Initially, sex was fine, because when I initiated, she engaged. I was always the one to initiate, which looking back was the first indicator I missed. I always knew her libido was much lower than my own, but as time went on, it seemed it was actually nonexistent. Once sex had served its purpose (dating => engagement => marriage => kids) sex became more a burdensome chore to her than anything else. It wasn't until after we married and had kids that she expressed it in the only way she knew how, to say sex just wasn't something she liked as much as I did. I didn't know what to make of it, and took it rather personally. Of course now I think I get, as best a sexual person can, but do I feel duped? A little, but I blame myself for not seeing it sooner. Neither of us had ever heard of asexuality as an orientation, and since she was engaging in sex, it was never discussed, not until now. Things are better, at least for the time being. Just knowing helped. Truth is, had we known back when we were dating, I don't think either of us would have continued the relationship beyond being just friends.

 

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My ace found me online. I am something of a known voice on many issues of public interest and he found me inspiring and had been following me on social media for a while. In fact, much after we were together, I found several comments from him to me, some of which I had replied to as well, which hadn't stuck in my memory at all. After a few years of me not knowing he existed and him admiring me, a chance conversation led to a deeper conversation and a possibility for collaboration, which we took to chat.

 

He was extremely awestruck in the beginning and put me on a pedestal. I liked him for his simplicity, though the awe irritated me (I'm OCD egalitarian - just like you don't put someone down, you don't put someone higher either). We became friends pretty fast, and he came to visit me. I found that surprising, since I am asocial and he lived in another city, so the idea of going to another city just to meet someone you found on social media seemed pretty extreme.

 

But he came, and we hit it off in person as well. It was love at first sight between him and my son too.

 

From the very start, there were mixed messages sexually. For eg, he seemed to be very interested and even turned on, but it never went anywhere, and if I responded, it took him by surprise. Unknown to me, he had told his parents to stop trying to matchmake, because he was interested in someone, who wasn't interested in him. lol

 

With time the interest got pretty obvious and when I acted on what appeared to be sexual interest, he initially responded, then didn't, then responded, then was awkward... and told me that he'd never had sex before and wasn't expecting sex. And my mind was a mess of "did I just force someone who was awed by me into sex?" and then "what were those lingering glances and touches all about?". I did apologize instantly and profusely and he assured me that he liked it and was definitely interested in sex, just inexperienced. It should have been a red flag. A man in his mid thirties, clueless on sex.

 

But strangely, or possibly because asexuality wasn't even on my radar, he explained it off as a matter of circumstances in a way that made sense. We did get into a sexual relationship and it was always "off". Initially I explained it off to myself as inexperience, then I was concerned that he was losing interest, there was always something or the other, but he neither lost interest, nor did the sex get better.

 

It wasn't bad so much as "off". We had some fantastic sex too. Since we were in a long distance relationship, the windows of time in which we had sex were quite short and distant, so it worked well enough, though on longer trips he used to be distinctly disinterested in sex after the first day or so. Not having the male anatomy, I just guessed that perhaps some men need a longer recovery time...

 

This went on for several years. We got serious, engaged, then married. His family adored us, my family saw him as one of us. He became the legal guardian of my son... and then finally he decided to move in with me. We had been planning it for a while and looking forward to it and I was quite excited.

 

Except things didn't quite turn out to be like that. For a fortnight after he came, we had no sexual contact. Then there was one instance, and a few days later he told me he was planning to attend some event for asexuals. He wasn't sure, but it sounded something "interesting". It was like a light bulb went on in my head. One google search definition later, I knew he was asexual. All the inexplicable things were suddenly clear.

 

What took us so long to realize? Well, ignorance on my part. I was such a sexual creature, the idea that someone could be perfectly healthy and not want sex at all was not a part of "reality" at all. On his end, he kept expecting it to "click" one day and he isn't averse, so it didn't bother him to keep trying till it clicked, so to say.

 

The prospect of living with someone 24/7 and sleeping with them every night with the possibility of sex gave him a reality check and he sort of froze and probably for the first time realized something may be off and seeked answers and probably found them in the form of the event he could attend to find out more.

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  • 2 weeks later...

At first it was the most sex I'd had in a relationship. She definitely made all the first moves. Then after getting children, she stopped sex (and kissing, holding hands, etc). Several years later she realised she was ace.

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On 7/30/2019 at 10:31 AM, Telecaster68 said:

My theory is that many of us sexuals who stick around have learned very low expectations for getting our needs met as kids (kind of the opposite of a sense of entitlement); and we want a calm relationship, and we see our partners’ lack of demonstrativeness as that calm, only finding out later there’s nothing but calm.

I had to go back through some of these threads, and ^this made me think of myself, as well. I'd support this theory as well. I've recently realized my mother was in all likelihood asexual, and my father, sexual. They fought EVERY DAY, about anything and everything, but I now have a feeling lack of sex (for father) and pressure for sex (for mother) was at the root of most of it. Neither of them seemed to have their needs met, in any regard, and neither seemed to know how to meet the needs of their children (though some attempts were made). When I met my wife, it was "the calm" I think I was most drawn to. That, and we had a lot of things in common for what we liked and wanted (sex just not being one of those things), and we seemed to satisfy one another's needs, calmly, completely, in the year leading to marriage, and it felt amazing. After which, of course, it all went to Hell in a downward spiral, until recently that is, when I hit rock bottom, found AVEN, and have started to pick myself (and our relationship) back up.

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On 7/30/2019 at 8:36 AM, Traveler40 said:

Tangentially, a friend gave me a book way back when that was a collection of input from octogenarians asked, “If you had to do it over again, what would you do differently?”

 

This response stuck with me, and made me rethink my 20’s.  That response was:

 

”I’d have fucked them all!” 💥

 

Hahahahaha. - That always makes me laugh.

 

On 7/30/2019 at 11:32 AM, Telecaster68 said:

When the English poet laureate John Betjeman was dying, someone asked him if he had any regrets. He said 'not enough sex'.

Wow. I already know without a shadow of a doubt I'm an asexual, but these responses just make me feel so... what the hell am I missing here?! If I were to go back, I would have never even had sex at all. When I did in the past I just didn't know any better... I put myself through something I didn't enjoy because I was hoping to enjoy it. I was looking for something that's NOT THERE.

 

My husband married me knowing what I was like, because I told him... even though I didn't know that what I was describing is an actual THING, with a NAME... at least I didn't know it YET and I was afraid he not only wouldn't believe me but also that I couldn't even explain it right to where he would really understand what I was trying to say. But he DID and later on in our marriage, it became clear that my lack of interest graduating to actual DISLIKE of having sex was actually one of the reasons he married me. He is GLAD to not have to deal with it. Even though he identifies as a sexual person, and still desires sexual union in some way, the anxiety he feels around it is just too great. He's happier with me, fourteen years of good times seems to prove it. These are all things we've talked about and he's actually said to me, I'm not playing guesswork here.

 

So that's how my husband ended up married to an asexual.

 

On 7/30/2019 at 1:47 PM, SusannaC said:

Agree.  Low expectations going in and very attracted to calm, laid back non threatening. 

Yeah, this sounds like what my husband was just LOOKING FOR.

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4 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

 

Wow. I already know without a shadow of a doubt I'm an asexual, but these responses just make me feel so... what the hell am I missing here?! If I were to go back, I would have never even had sex at all. When I did in the past I just didn't know any better... I put myself through something I didn't enjoy because I was hoping to enjoy it. 

 

My husband married me knowing what I was like... my lack of interest graduating to actual DISLIKE of having sex was actually one of the reasons he married me. He is GLAD to not have to deal with it...He's happier with me, fourteen years of good times seems to prove it. These are all things we've talked about and he's actually said to me, I'm not playing guesswork here.

 

@GlamRocker, regarding the octagenarian and John Betjamin quotations - it is said that when Issac Newton was asked on his deathbed what he felt his greatest accomplishment in life was, he replied "maintaining my chastity". 

 

Also, I am so happy that you experience such harmony in your relationship with your husband. My (sexual & sex-positive) husband and I are growing together. It's taken a lot of courage and self-reflection.

 

 

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8 hours ago, Davida said:

it is said that when Issac Newton was asked on his deathbed what he felt his greatest accomplishment in life was, he replied "maintaining my chastity". 

So, my lover and I discussed this briefly and he had a quick look around as this bothered me for a number of reasons: Namely, I wondered why anyone (sexual or otherwise) would ever refer to that as their greatest accomplishment, let alone Isaac Newton?
 

If he did utter that on his deathbed, and please note that we tried and failed to source it, it would suggest he struggled greatly in chastity and that wouldn’t make it commendable at all. It makes it deeply sad, underpinning a lifelong struggle. Perhaps in time he learned to manage what, essentially, was living against his nature, but he couldn’t have happily accepted it. It very likely was counter to his orientation

 

Here’s what was found that’s relevant:
 

In 1667, Newton returned to Cambridge at the age of 24, but at a higher status, as a fellow. As a fellow, he was to adopt a life of chastity and was not permitted to marry. Newton followed this vow for the rest of his life, and likely died a virgin. Newton wrote the following passage about his chastity: “The way to chastity is not to struggle directly with incontinent thoughts but to avert the thoughts by some imployment (sic), or by reading, or meditating on other things.”
 

There was one tangential reference about his deathbed and it is as follows: 

 

In an age notable for its religious intolerance there are few public expressions of Newton's radical views, most notably his refusal to take holy orders and his refusal, on his deathbed, to take the sacrament when it was offered to him.

 

Who knows what he said 290 or so years ago, but I do think if it’s as you say (which is plausible given the vow he had to take), how utterly sad all the way around.

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8 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

... If (Newton) did utter that on his deathbed... it would suggest he struggled greatly in chastity and that wouldn’t make it commendable at all. 

 

Who knows what he said 290 or so years ago, but I do think if it’s as you say (which is plausible given the vow he had to take), how utterly sad all the way around.

@Traveler40 indeed, who knows what he said 290 years ago. I read that about Newton once in an old anthology of biographies of Mathematicians, I think. 

 

Note that chastity (austerity regarding one's natural sexual urges) and asexuality are different, but my point was to illustrate how very different people's experience with sexuality can be. It is remarkable that while an asexual may find the first two quotations about regretting not having had more sex repulsive, a sexual likewise may find lifelong chastity the saddest thing imaginable. Neither point of view is wrong. 

 

I respectfully disagree that action requiring struggle renders the action not commendable. Austerities undertaken by one pursuing devotional work be it scientific, religious, or otherwise connote deeply personal journeys; they are not meant to be universally understood, prescribed or applauded. 

 

 

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A more modern contrast is Erdős. But (a) he may have had a medical issue (e.g. phimosis – he described sex as painful) and (b) his language regarding women & marriage was misogynistic (I'm just throwing that out there to say "ugh!").

Which is to say, with as little insight as we have into Erdős's reasons, I think we can't hope to know much about Newton's experience. I don't read that Newton's fellowship required chastity; rather, I think it's simply observing that this seems to have been his lifestyle – which may have been due to any of a number of reasons (homosexuality, asexuality, medical issues, pragmatism, etc).

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On 10/21/2019 at 5:49 AM, anisotrophic said:

Which is to say, with as little insight as we have into Erdős's reasons, I think we can't hope to know much about Newton's experience.

Precisely - and the original point provided by myself and Tele was that in those cases, we clearly knew they lamented their lacking sex lives.  In using a quote purported to be from Newton on his deathbed describing chastity “his greatest accomplishment” as an alternative simply made zero sense. Thus, I felt compelled to respond.

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  • 1 month later...

I am another one born in the 1970s, who had no sexual experience before marriage. I was Christian and in my circles at the time it was not OK to have sex before marriage. This is a massive regret for me now. If I had known what a heterosexual man was like, I would never have married my ex. 

 

I relate so much to the posts above. We had no idea that asexuality was a thing. People still generally have no idea, I find.  My asexual husband and I ended up divorcing after 19 years of marriage and 2 kids. People don’t believe me when I explain why. They think I am delusional and that the real story must be something else. Not being believed has really compounded the pain. 

 

Here there is a counselling service for wives of gay men, but when I contacted them and asked if there was anything for wives of asexual men, they said there is nothing. 

 

My ex continually said he would try harder, and I loved him deeply and was patient and faithful. Like so many others mentioned in this thread, he refused to look closely at himself and blamed stress, fatigue etc etc. He chose to keep hurting me rather than look at himself honestly.

 

I thought it was my fault, and comfort eating over the years made me put on weight, so I thought I was undesirable. Now that I am divorced and dating, I have discovered how very wrong I was about that. I may be a bit overweight but I am apparently very good in bed!!! What an amazing discovery after so many years of feeling invisible, undesirable and disgusting. 

 

I really think awareness is the key to avoiding the terrible pain that sexual/asexual mismatches cause. Organisations such as AVEN have really important work to do. 

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Im so sorry for the pain youve experienced.  I can relate.  Your story is much like mine. I was similarly naive and married without experience.  I have been married for close to 30 years now, and am torn over my choices; they were and are not easy to live by. 
You may discover when reading here though that oftentimes it is not the asexual persons “choice” to hurt us.  Rather I have come to accept that sex means something totally different to them and is NOT seen as necessary  for a loving relationship.   For some people- there is an aversion, actually- sex is like an unpleasant chore and may become more Unpleasant and therefore avoided as the years go by.  I am sure there are many here who will gladly explain that a sexless union wasn’t a choice designed by your husband to hurt you.  The loss of intimacy for sexual people feels like it though!  I struggled with resentment for years over this.  
I  also chose unhealthy habits over the years and let myself gain weight as coping mechanisms. This is a common occurrence when self esteem drops and anger persists.    I suspect.  Your choice to divorce is in many ways admirable to me, although sad.  I did not have the courage to leave and chose sex outside of my marriage instead.  I am torn because I am now in love with my sexual partner.  I also love my husband (in a non sexual way), but recognize that I can not peacefully live the rest of my life without intimacy, including sex. 
Let anger go, if you have any left, and focus on the facts.  You were simply mismatched, through no fault your own.  You TRIED to make it work, and he probably did also.  To the best of your abilities as did he.  
i wish you peace and much deserved happiness now.

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I have to say I was relieved to find this thread...I saw a lot of threads where people were talking about how to handle things going IN to a mixed marriage, where I just figured out my husband is a (gray) ace nearly 20 years into the relationship. 

Why only now? Because we were 17 when we started dating and the term didnt even exist in our vocabularies. It just wasnt something we'd ever heard of. We loved each other, but I can recall problems even then. I would want sex constantly with my raging teen hormones. He would usually go along, but wasnt ever the one to initiate things. In retrospect I think the fact he DOES enjoy sex sometimes combined with his 17 year old body/libido kind of masked things. And, growing up in the community we did, me with older parents and him with rather closed minded parents, I fell into the great American gender role trap, where if he didn't want sex then that must mean
I was ugly, unattractive, unloveable etc. So commenced years of terrible self esteem on both sides. Me because I was unwanted, him because he wasn't the stereotypical sex-driven male.

 

Of course it has had its ups and down. Maybe I was just too needy- so I worked on myself bur nothing got better. We thought he was depressed. Maybe hormone issues, stress, the usual. Really it was only about a month or two ago that my loneliness and desperation led me to search for articles and stuff about what to do when your husband doesn't want you (sad, I know) that I came across Ace info.

By that time of course I had heard of asexual orientation, but I didnt think of him as such because he does sometimes want sex (just not often and not strongly). So I had thought aces didnt ever have sex. LOL. Now I feel foolish, but I didnt know. 

 

Wish I would have understood all this much earlier. Would have saved a lot of pain/feelings of rejection. 🙄 still trying to figure out how to handle it.

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