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How did you get married to an asexual?


Winged Whisperer

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Winged Whisperer

Question is for the sexuals who got married (or have been in very long term relationships) to an asexual and found out far later down the line (let's put a minimum of 4 years as a cutoff point) that their partner was ace. How did you fall in love? Was sex a problem from the very beginning? If it was, didn't you talk about it early? How did the early conversations go? Why did it take so long to find out about asexuality?

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Sadly I had very little dating experience, so my girlfriend's (future wife) lack of interest in sex didn't ring any alarm bells. Back then, there was a general feeling that women waited to have sex. I had never heard of asexuality - I believed as I had been told that if a woman loves you, she will want to have sex with you.   I was also brought in in a family where sex was never discussed, was considered shameful.  In retrospect I think my mother was asexual, and my father miserable for his marriage. 

 

My first real warning was when we had sex only once on our week long honeymoon - but there was always an excuse.  For a long time she used poor health as an excuse - took me a while to realize that her poor health never kept her from doing things she wanted to do. I spent a very long time wondering what was wrong with me, why I was so unattractive.  It was only much much later that a few incidents convinced me that in general women *did* find me attractive, just not my wife.    Then I spent time being angry and resentful toward her - still not knowing that asexuality existed. 

 

Finally learned about asexuality and it all made sense - but that was after 25 years of unhappy marriage.  Now - she really is doing her very best, and I really do appreciate that.  I'm doing my best.  We get by.  She still doesn't think she is unusual, but thinks that I"m extremely over-sexed. 

 

 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

That may be true, yeah. Sounds plausible. If the emotions aren't there, sex pretty much seems like masturbation -- the point of which generally is orgasm. So why would someone with no capacity to understand the emotional component treat it any differently than masturbation? The inability to accept someone else's insistence that it isn't that way for everyone is problematic, though. Asexuals seem divided on that -- either they understand but just don't experience it themselves, or they're refuse to accept it.

This is the case in my relationship as well. I think my wife has never really understood that sex is more than just a way to get off.   She has gotten better about it very recently - though there is still a tendency to do what "works".   It also took me a while to realize that she really does just want me to get her off quickly. 

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I like the music analogy.  How can  a music lover possibly explain why they love music to someone for whom music is just a bunch of sounds that don't have any meaning?

 

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anisotrophic

My partner and I came to know each other online. Not online dating, but an online social context which mixed shared group & private 1-on-1 chatting (like this forum!). Then we progressed to chatting on the phone, then visiting each other in person. My own sexual/dating experience was pretty strong at that point: I'd had sex with several others, usually in the context of dating (not always), and reasonably diverse experiences. I was generally pretty forward about seeking sex / initiating, asking people out, sometimes getting rejected. (Honestly I don't think I was very attractive, I wasn't asked out much myself.)

So, sex wasn't a problem when we started dating and remained long distance. We had sex within hours of meeting each other. In retrospect, it's partly his indifference: he had been sexually active with a couple others before (although in retrospect I've learned this was more muted and limited than I had realized at the time). He would have sex when asked -- not submissive, just passive and going along with it. He was doing it because someone he liked wanted it and it didn't bother him. He didn't express much independent interest in sex, never shared desires of his own -- I thought he was shy. And I think a long distance relationship lends itself to scripting as preparation. Sex is expected to occur.

We got married and he moved to live with me (linked because the marriage enabled moving, for visa reasons). After marriage is when the problem became apparent. I have a vivid memory of putting on something sexy and clearly flirting, as a newlywed, and him agreeing it was nice... and turning attention back to whatever occupied him at the time. I was hurt by his lack of interest, and we talked about it. We pointed to many explanations over the years -- "stress of moving", "stress of new job", "low morale / don't like job", etc. He always wanted me to be happy sexually, and we kept thinking it would change. It was never treated like something that shouldn't matter.

 

In retrospect, my gender identity may have also played a role. I may have felt uncomfortable with men that wanted me as a woman? I'm pretty sure his non-heterosexuality (he had dated a male before me) was a draw? But I'm not sure. It's very hard to disentangle things. It's possible his asexuality affected my gender identity.

It took so long to find out about asexuality because I didn't understand it or know about it. I didn't realize someone could not feel any desire... for anyone, anything. Everything about society held the narrative that everyone wants sex... somehow. That everyone was different but it was just a matter of figuring out the puzzle of what desires someone had, and resolving issues. I only knew about other explanations, sexual inhibitions, porn addictions, stress and mental/emotional health, relationship issues with trust/bonding, physical health. Nothing prepared me for the answer of: "none".

We found out about asexuality from my LGBTQIA+ therapist, who I first saw for gender issues. (Turned out I was actually more unhappy about something else.) This was after over a decade of being married, and we already had kids. Once I read more about it, everything seemed to fall into place. I shared it with him and we had really pivotal conversations about how we experience sexuality, we had never realized how different that was. I was devastated, but it wasn't his fault. He took some months to think about the identity, see a therapist himself. It was hard for him too, because of what it implied he had done to me inadvertently. We've focused a lot of loving each other for who we are. His acceptance and support for my gender identity issues has been wonderful. I love him for his asexuality, neither of us knew it was a possibility, we focus on other ways to communicate love.

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Like Uhtred i had very little experience.  Spent my youth competing in sports and caring for my sick father. Sex was not discussed growing up- the expectation was I would wait until married.   We united through a mutual interest in sports and we both worked together.  

My husband was the second man I had sex with- first time was a once and done, awful experience.  Married him 2 yrs later but in retrospect I definitely knew something was off.  I often cried in those early years, because I knew something was missing for me.  Sex happened regularly but mainly in the early morning, and I never orgasmed with him. 

Shortly after we both finished our final degrees and began our professions, he insisted on having a child.  He was ready.   After our first child, sex dropped off dramatically.  it’s been a long time now- but I clearly remember I wanted a baby 4 yrs later and pushing him for sex was different and difficult .  After the 2nd child, sex  basically ended for us.  

In the beginning I thought neither of us had much experience with sex because he never talked about it, or expressed desires or need. He never discussed previous relationships.  I assumed he was just shy.  Then I assumed the stress of his career took away his desire and interest.  Then I assumed it was just me.  On and on the years went.  Never knowing about Asexuality.

I have remained married for the children: have always wanted them to have a unified family.   And for him.    I know he is happy and loves me.  He loves routine and continuity....  finances and security- we are both in our 50’s now- so this also keeps me where I am.   

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Unfortunately asexuality can masquerade as different things - especially when the asexual person doesn't know that asexuality exists.  They feel that they *should* want sex, but don't - so they interpret that as being tired or busy or sick. Or maybe thy think that their partner is not romantic enough.  (my wife thought that about me for a long time - before finally realizing that she had no idea what she wanted when she said "romantic" - it really meant that she wanted me to find something that I could do that would make her desire me.

 

 

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I actually had to organize my thoughts on this as our relationship came to pass from all the stuff before it.  Brace yourselves (and perhaps grab some popcorn?) 😂

 

Background:

 

Highly successful parents, both with shades of NPD.  We were raised knowing we could do anything and were given every opportunity in life. Somehow, this makes you believe you can do anything.  I was mainly left to my own devices which means independence and solo accomplishments were givens. Loyalty, honesty, hard work and perseverance were foundational teachings. 

 

While that’s all well and good, my Father shifted a lot.  He taught all of the above, but lived by a separate set of rules that trumped all. I felt like I was on an iceberg and didn’t know which way it might shift many times. 

 

Early Romance:

 

I had crushes, but never ever let on. It was too scary, so I preferred to live in books.  I loved all of the Victorian sex books.  They were deliciously nasty: The Romance of Lust is an example. Somewhere along the way, I learned that I didn’t really need a relationship to experience and explore. Enter lots and lots of masturbation.  It was safer.  So, I was everyone’s buddy, and the guys wanted to date/hook up, but I was kind of above the fray.  Oddly, a blend of too school for cool, too pretty to approach and too distant to catch kept me solo.  If that’s not enough, I’d friend zone any guy immediately. This both suited and insulated me from boyfriend hopping.

 

Basically, 3 boyfriends, 3 continents and 15 years later, I found myself pushing 30. I’d moved back to the States after years abroad and was deeply lonely upon re-entry. Life had moved on while away, and the loneliness was killing me. My family was a mess, my friends were paired up and dating was the pits. 

 

Finding My husband:

 

Ever the goal oriented one, I decided I needed to find a husband STAT. Having done the math, time was of the essence.  I also knew that sometime in your 30’s the power shift happens and didn’t fancy being behind the 8 Ball.  Therefore, I was an early adopter of online dating.  This was back when it was unconventional and a hush-hush thing. It was also back when you met in thoughts and words which drops the noise and early barriers which is helpful. Somehow, it also seemed simpler.

 

We didn’t live near one another, but everything else lined up so well.  It was slow, and I loved that about him.  His sincerity and deeply caring nature had me intuitively know I could trust him. He was solid, loyal, a rock, a hard worker and honest as the day is long. We wanted the same things and he had an element that drew me in: I saw that he needed me. I also could lean on him, and he’d be there. He was not a “shifting iceberg” and had all of the other elements I was looking for emotionally. It was a great fit.

 

Sex was weird: Short, tentative, more quick than passionate. It never was “normal” unless he’d had a few drinks.  It didn’t matter at the time as I overlooked it figuring he just needed to be shown. He was respectful and a very good man.  Dirty wasn’t part of who he is, and I’d figured we’d morph with time and practice.  We talked a lot about it early on. He never had any fantasies which was odd, but I figured he was too shy to say. That was ok! We would take it slow and learn together. 

 

We started fighting about sex fairly quickly. I’d flown him to Hawaii for a quick vacation around year one, and nothing. He had a ton of believable excuses.  Then, once back, he’d produce only after a fight about it.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Why didn’t he understand that sex is binding and fundamentally necessary for the peace and health of the relationship?  He always said he’d try harder, and I believed him.  He referenced his childhood a lot, and also said he wasn’t a “sexual dynamo” frequently. He told me that he was fully inhibited due to his upbringing and needed a beer to lessen the stress. I always stocked beer...

 

I bought books, recorded shows, explained to him a thousand different ways what I needed, but to no avail. He loves me fully, but very early on, we could go months with nothing. Yet, everything else was amazing. I was around 32-33, just finishing up a masters degree and knee deep in a career, when I realized time was running out. Also, I knew what an amazing man he was.  We got married the next year.

 

When it came time to have children, he found an excuse every single time.  All I needed was his sperm though, so we went through IVF. Twice.

 

I was so busy for 8 years having the family, I didn’t stop to dwell on the fact that we never had sex. Oh, occasionally I did of course, and it would crop up, but generally we’d ignore it and focus on the babies. I was tired of the merry-go-round discussions to nowhere.

 

By then, I’d done the whole, “Is he gay? Deviant? Into alternative kink? Not attracted to me?” and come up empty. Instead, I Googled in my downtime and only ever turned up “sexless marriage” articles.  It was a waste of time, but I did it a lot across years. I never once came across asexuality.  Otherwise, I spent a ton of time with friends and immersed in hobbies. 

 

During that time, I was resentful. Not because of the lack of sex, but because of the broken promises. I felt he didn’t truly care about what I needed. It was explicitly explained ad nauseam.  He always and earnestly promised to try, but never once lifted a finger. I knew there was a problem, a major problem, but didn’t know what. The secret was killing me as well.  

 

The Breaking Point:

 

I’ve chronicled this in my journey previously. Having a hysterectomy increased my libido to a level I could no longer handle on my own. 

 

No matter how much talking we did, and it’s months worth across time, it was useless. The day I found AVEN (early 2017) my world stopped spinning for a moment.  The a-ha’s reverberated for hours.  I’m still having a-ha moments actually.  The rest, you already know.

 

TLDR:

 

- Detached parents begot independent children

- Never bounced around with boyfriends 

- Carefully selected a man based on emotional needs at the time

- Biological clock forced my hand

- Knew there was a problem, no idea what 

- Created my life around my husband

- Life forced me to deal with it post hysterectomy

 

There you have it.

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My story is a collection of parts of all the stories already shared and I suspect many details not shared that others would also identify with if we gathered somewhere to chew the fat. What I state below about how my husband was feeling has only been confirmed by him recently. I was drawn to my husband because he was different; non threatening, sexually. I didn't recognise this until much later. I was a child in 1970's and a teen in 1980's Ireland where poverty was common and abuse of all shades was endemic. Most adults were a threat. We met early into our first year at university. He was gorgeous and very confident unlike me but he wanted to spend time with me so I felt like we had found something special. We became good friends and both believed we would figure out all the rest of the details together. Sex was 'off' from the start but again, I didn't have the experience to understand and over the years fell into a cycle of blaming his upbringing or myself-trying to fix myself-begging him to tell me what to do-switching off and distancing myself-keeping very very busy-focusing on my children and work and volunteering etc etc etc. My husband loved me but couldn't feel himself to be in love with me, the way he thought he was supposed to. He went through phases of feeling unhappy and resentful but didn't explain so it manifested as annoyance/anger from my point of view. He couldn't explain why he was angry and denied that is what he was feeling. Hindsight of course tells us he was confused and scared to delve into himself enough to fully understand. He kept himself busy too, with work or hobbies or drank to make himself have sex or drank to fall asleep. He hid his head in the sand, as has been mentioned by others. When he did take it out to give any thought to what was 'wrong' he felt that maybe I was just the wrong woman for him and someone else would inspire him to feel desire. This, he also kept to himself but my gut told me it was part of the problem. I have known him since he was a boy and watched him grow into the man he is now. He is a good person who finds it incredibly difficult to speak about emotions. If I tried to bring this stuff up he became very agitated and shut down the conversation very fast; usually storming off with "this again, don't you think about anything else?".  An entire year could go by before I would broach the subject again and he would still say that. When he did stay in the room and try to discuss his feelings the talk only ever got as far as him saying he was messed up and he didn't want me to despise him but he couldn't find the words to explain what exactly he was going through. I also read and read and read and attended counselling and took night classes in therapy approaches like CBT. I considered lots of explanations but never came across asexuality specifically as an orientation until very recently when my daughter started going to a lgbtqia+ centre and then I finally had the right word to use for internet searches. From there I decided enough was enough and we have been talking ever since. Talking and talking and talking. 

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I just woke up and read the antiseptic recount of the W’s. (Who, What, why...) of our journey and realized a couple of points are missing:

 

1. In order for me to trust anyone, I need to sit back at a distance to figure out what I think before I can allow myself to let go and feel. It’s a trust thing as a result of having grown up on an iceberg.

 

2. I went through the exact same process to find my lover with the exact same outcome - an incredible match. The difference sexually was in the luck of the draw. Husband = asexual (although he still doesn’t self identify). Lover = Highly sexual and everything I’d ever read about.

 

Bottom Line: Deciding on a pairing has never come down to the sex for me. It’s about the MAN. The rest I thought I could handle.  Obviously, with time and circumstance, that too had its limits.  Hope that makes sense. 

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I like the music analogy.  How can  a music lover possibly explain why they love music to someone for whom music is just a bunch of sounds that don't have any meaning? 

Yeah, that about hits the mark, for me at least.  Music is mostly just noise to me.

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Tangentially, a friend gave me a book way back when that was a collection of input from octogenarians asked, “If you had to do it over again, what would you do differently?”

 

This response stuck with me, and made me rethink my 20’s.  That response was:

 

”I’d have fucked them all!” 💥

 

Hahahahaha. - That always makes me laugh.

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14 hours ago, uhtred said:

Unfortunately asexuality can masquerade as different things - especially when the asexual person doesn't know that asexuality exists.  They feel that they *should* want sex, but don't - so they interpret that as being tired or busy or sick. Or maybe thy think that their partner is not romantic enough.  (my wife thought that about me for a long time - before finally realizing that she had no idea what she wanted when she said "romantic" - it really meant that she wanted me to find something that I could do that would make her desire me.

 

 

And sometimes its actually true... I thought I was ace, never wanted sex. Get a partner that "does things right" and suddenly, sexual desire. I couldnt have named it though, I didnt realize until it happened that the key to my sexual desire was in feeling unpressured to have sex. Which, most peoples natural desires feel pressurey and then there is obligation and then I just cant care about it. 

 

So.. makes sense for them to be confused. 

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

 

 

Different scenario, but that reminds me of how my husband always considered me borderline aromantic. As if he was the romantic ace and I was aro and sexual (but weird about sex because it never felt... right) in that relationship. I am most definitely not aromantic haha, just took the right connection. He needed several hours of highly romantic interaction and had to psych himself up for the possibility of sex, and I could get in that mindset after a few minutes of playfulness. (And then sex was a letdown because the desire wasn't reciprocal and I felt like shit after... but that's another story.) But yeah, it always surprised me that he thought I was aromantic. I didn't feel it, however I also couldn't connect with him that way, so. In part I think it's more than an orientation thing... my mind automatically went to sex as part of interacting that way and his didn't, so it always felt "unfinished" to me. Although it's true that I can't really be too romantic with men, so. Sexual, sure; romantic... ehh.

My exes always felt like they werent romantic... cause of the sex. :lol: I wanted three hours of cuddling and kissing and talking and they wanted two minutes then sex. Felt like lack of romance to me. Felt like lack of romance for them.

 

edit: and even now it takes me like several hours of connecting to want sex... like yesterday I laid on my partners leg and almost fell asleep during a storm and when I got up, I got into lingerie and came back in to be flirty. But, needed that time together first. 

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12 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yep, something is lacking on both ends. I guess that's how you ultimately know it's not the right match. Both people should be feeling fulfilled by the interaction.

 

Cuz yeah, I'm embarrassingly sappy hahaha. I mean, I'm here bursting into tears several times a day over a left-behind bottle of shampoo... so.

Yeah. I need a lot of non-sexual touch to be sexual. Most my exes needed sexual touch to be non-sexual. It just didnt work... cause by doing sex first I felt disconnected and blah and by doing romance first they felt frustrated and annoyed. 

 

My wife loves non sexual touch for itself. Which is where I managed to figure out my whole non-sexuality... I just need a ton of intimacy before sex. And non sexual intimacy, not foreplay. 

 

Another version of compatibility that is important!

 

And if it makes you feel better, me and my wife end up doing silly stuff like any clothes left behind end up making their way onto the bed just to get each others scent nearby again... 

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I may be a music-indifferent heathen, but I still find this topic heartwarming.

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In addition to sexual / asexual, and LD/HD, romantic / aromantic - there are also big differences in the sort of aromatic / sexual activity people want.   Often its not what one might naively expect. For my nearly asexual wife, sex is just something we jump in and do.  She enjoys non-sexual contact - but doesn't particularly want that before sex.   I'm much higher libido, but I like sex as the end of lots of romance and non-sexual touching.  I like the whole day to be foreplay - though an occasional quickie would be fine.

 

All leads to my feeling that its important that a couple discover their compatibility before getting into a long term relationship.

 

 

 

 

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Agree.  Low expectations going in and very attracted to calm, laid back non threatening. 

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anisotrophic

My current "theory" is that I was unattractive & adapted to it by taking initiative & asking. Which means I think I got some great sex in – glad to have that. Men tend to say yes (not always). Screw them all, it's very fun, a threesome really is amazing (at least the sort where you get to be the center of attention) – if you get the chance, do take it.

But as a result: I landed with someone who wasn't attracted to anyone. Because I was unattractive – men said "yes", but... those men that were capable of attraction sorted themselves out by chasing people they were more attracted to. The sort that was left was someone that didn't see me as less valuable than others in this respect.

My partner says this "theory" is BS (well maybe he'd say bollocks, but he's pretty americanized at this point) and I'm just inventing new ways to feel bad about myself. (Probably also true. I'm inventive. That's why I put airquotes on "theory".)

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

My theory is that many of us sexuals who stick around have learned very low expectations for getting our needs met as kids (kind of the opposite of a sense of entitlement); and we want a calm relationship, and we see our partners’ lack of demonstrativeness as that calm, only finding out later there’s nothing but calm.

Yes.  Additionally, the strength of surviving the early years allows for more self sacrifice perhaps.  It’s somewhat like an “I’m strong, I can take it!” mentality. 

 

My husband needs me. This is one of the finer, yet tougher points.  

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5 hours ago, uhtred said:

All leads to my feeling that its important that a couple discover their compatibility before getting into a long term relationship.

 

Many folks, myself included, need to connect thoroughly before taking it to bed.  I think your point is a great idea in theory, yet way more complicated in practice.

 

As my lover put it early on, before being told the reason for my search:

 

”I think that you have compatibility with your husband, but no chemistry. Many connect these two notions, but I see them as wholly separate. You can have one without the other.” 

 

I’ll take it a step further and tie it back to my first point: I need the compatibility to find the chemistry. With my husband, that second part never materialized of course. Once compatibility is established, without knowledge of the trajectory, one is likely to make all sorts of excuses for the lack of chemistry. If all else is in place, you may not understand until it really is too late.

 

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AceMissBehaving
4 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

My current "theory" is that I was unattractive & adapted to it by taking initiative & asking. Which means I think I got some great sex in – glad to have that. Men tend to say yes (not always). Screw them all, it's very fun, a threesome really is amazing (at least the sort where you get to be the center of attention) – if you get the chance, do take it.

But as a result: I landed with someone who wasn't attracted to anyone. Because I was unattractive – men said "yes", but... those men that were capable of attraction sorted themselves out by chasing people they were more attracted to. The sort that was left was someone that didn't see me as less valuable than others in this respect.

My partner says this "theory" is BS (well maybe he'd say bollocks, but he's pretty americanized at this point) and I'm just inventing new ways to feel bad about myself. (Probably also true. I'm inventive. That's why I put airquotes on "theory".)

I don’t know, most sexual people I know still won’t have sex with someone they found unattractive, and asexual people still find some people attractive and others unattractive. 

 

I know our inner critics never really play fair, so I get the feelings, but I have to assume your husband is right on this one.

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anisotrophic
58 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

most sexual people I know still won’t have sex with someone they found unattractive

Meh. I think young men are not known for being particularly selective when an opportunity presents itself. If the choice was me vs. nothing, they'd take it until something better comes along. The difference between the side piece and the prize.

At this point my unattractiveness seems like a given, I don't think much about it. Life is easier when I stop wishing otherwise.

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13 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Meh. I think young men are not known for being particularly selective when an opportunity presents itself. If the choice was me vs. nothing, they'd take it until something better comes along. The difference between the side piece and the prize.

At this point my unattractiveness seems like a given, I don't think much about it. Life is easier when I stop wishing otherwise.

You probably arent unattractive. Though, I know it wont help to say. I am pretty much at the point of being attractive seems a thing of my past. 

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CatsandDogs
On 7/29/2019 at 5:48 PM, uhtred said:

Unfortunately asexuality can masquerade as different things - especially when the asexual person doesn't know that asexuality exists.  They feel that they *should* want sex, but don't - so they interpret that as being tired or busy or sick. Or maybe thy think that their partner is not romantic enough.  (my wife thought that about me for a long time - before finally realizing that she had no idea what she wanted when she said "romantic" - it really meant that she wanted me to find something that I could do that would make her desire me.

 

 

Yes, this is how my boyfriend feels...that there is something wrong with him because he has no interest in sex. Unfortunately he is struggling to come to terms with his identity and accepting himself. He doesn’t want to talk about it, get help or work on finding ways to address this component of our relationship. To him it’s just not important so even though he says he loves me he does not try to find alternative ways to help meet my needs to feel loved, seen and supported. 

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CatsandDogs
19 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I actually had to organize my thoughts on this as our relationship came to pass from all the stuff before it.  Brace yourselves (and perhaps grab some popcorn?) 😂

 

Background:

 

Highly successful parents, both with shades of NPD.  We were raised knowing we could do anything and were given every opportunity in life. Somehow, this makes you believe you can do anything.  I was mainly left to my own devices which means independence and solo accomplishments were givens. Loyalty, honesty, hard work and perseverance were foundational teachings. 

 

While that’s all well and good, my Father shifted a lot.  He taught all of the above, but lived by a separate set of rules that trumped all. I felt like I was on an iceberg and didn’t know which way it might shift many times. 

 

Early Romance:

 

I had crushes, but never ever let on. It was too scary, so I preferred to live in books.  I loved all of the Victorian sex books.  They were deliciously nasty: The Romance of Lust is an example. Somewhere along the way, I learned that I didn’t really need a relationship to experience and explore. Enter lots and lots of masturbation.  It was safer.  So, I was everyone’s buddy, and the guys wanted to date/hook up, but I was kind of above the fray.  Oddly, a blend of too school for cool, too pretty to approach and too distant to catch kept me solo.  If that’s not enough, I’d friend zone any guy immediately. This both suited and insulated me from boyfriend hopping.

 

Basically, 3 boyfriends, 3 continents and 15 years later, I found myself pushing 30. I’d moved back to the States after years abroad and was deeply lonely upon re-entry. Life had moved on while away, and the loneliness was killing me. My family was a mess, my friends were paired up and dating was the pits. 

 

Finding My husband:

 

Ever the goal oriented one, I decided I needed to find a husband STAT. Having done the math, time was of the essence.  I also knew that sometime in your 30’s the power shift happens and didn’t fancy being behind the 8 Ball.  Therefore, I was an early adopter of online dating.  This was back when it was unconventional and a hush-hush thing. It was also back when you met in thoughts and words which drops the noise and early barriers which is helpful. Somehow, it also seemed simpler.

 

We didn’t live near one another, but everything else lined up so well.  It was slow, and I loved that about him.  His sincerity and deeply caring nature had me intuitively know I could trust him. He was solid, loyal, a rock, a hard worker and honest as the day is long. We wanted the same things and he had an element that drew me in: I saw that he needed me. I also could lean on him, and he’d be there. He was not a “shifting iceberg” and had all of the other elements I was looking for emotionally. It was a great fit.

 

Sex was weird: Short, tentative, more quick than passionate. It never was “normal” unless he’d had a few drinks.  It didn’t matter at the time as I overlooked it figuring he just needed to be shown. He was respectful and a very good man.  Dirty wasn’t part of who he is, and I’d figured we’d morph with time and practice.  We talked a lot about it early on. He never had any fantasies which was odd, but I figured he was too shy to say. That was ok! We would take it slow and learn together. 

 

We started fighting about sex fairly quickly. I’d flown him to Hawaii for a quick vacation around year one, and nothing. He had a ton of believable excuses.  Then, once back, he’d produce only after a fight about it.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Why didn’t he understand that sex is binding and fundamentally necessary for the peace and health of the relationship?  He always said he’d try harder, and I believed him.  He referenced his childhood a lot, and also said he wasn’t a “sexual dynamo” frequently. He told me that he was fully inhibited due to his upbringing and needed a beer to lessen the stress. I always stocked beer...

 

I bought books, recorded shows, explained to him a thousand different ways what I needed, but to no avail. He loves me fully, but very early on, we could go months with nothing. Yet, everything else was amazing. I was around 32-33, just finishing up a masters degree and knee deep in a career, when I realized time was running out. Also, I knew what an amazing man he was.  We got married the next year.

 

When it came time to have children, he found an excuse every single time.  All I needed was his sperm though, so we went through IVF. Twice.

 

I was so busy for 8 years having the family, I didn’t stop to dwell on the fact that we never had sex. Oh, occasionally I did of course, and it would crop up, but generally we’d ignore it and focus on the babies. I was tired of the merry-go-round discussions to nowhere.

 

By then, I’d done the whole, “Is he gay? Deviant? Into alternative kink? Not attracted to me?” and come up empty. Instead, I Googled in my downtime and only ever turned up “sexless marriage” articles.  It was a waste of time, but I did it a lot across years. I never once came across asexuality.  Otherwise, I spent a ton of time with friends and immersed in hobbies. 

 

During that time, I was resentful. Not because of the lack of sex, but because of the broken promises. I felt he didn’t truly care about what I needed. It was explicitly explained ad nauseam.  He always and earnestly promised to try, but never once lifted a finger. I knew there was a problem, a major problem, but didn’t know what. The secret was killing me as well.  

 

The Breaking Point:

 

I’ve chronicled this in my journey previously. Having a hysterectomy increased my libido to a level I could no longer handle on my own. 

 

No matter how much talking we did, and it’s months worth across time, it was useless. The day I found AVEN (early 2017) my world stopped spinning for a moment.  The a-ha’s reverberated for hours.  I’m still having a-ha moments actually.  The rest, you already know.

 

TLDR:

 

- Detached parents begot independent children

- Never bounced around with boyfriends 

- Carefully selected a man based on emotional needs at the time

- Biological clock forced my hand

- Knew there was a problem, no idea what 

- Created my life around my husband

- Life forced me to deal with it post hysterectomy

 

There you have it.

So what happened next? I am new to this site and 2 years into a great relationship with a wonderful man who just disclosed he is asexual. I don’t know what to do and am curious about your experience because I have only ever had  relationships where sex is the main attraction (pun intended) so this is a new experience for me. I would feel more angry and duped if I didn’t know that he is just starting to realize his identity himself. I feel like I am at my breaking point and that’s why he is starting to be honest about his sexuality but now what? Did you stay with your husband?

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Welcome @CatsandDogs, it’s good you found your way to AVEN!  There’s a ton of information here, and I’ve read almost daily for about 2.5 years with revelations still occurring. 

 

My story is just that.  Yes, we are still together.  I will post a link to my general story at the end of this post for you to find.  

 

As @TimeDelay recently noted, there’s so much wisdom here.  Please dig in, read as much as you can and don’t be afraid to reach out if you need to. Please feel free to PM me any time.

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/161076-sexual-wifeasexual-husband-truce/

 

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11 hours ago, CBC said:

All of this is applicable to me as well. My lack of significant dating experience definitely led to the situation I found myself in. (Someone loves me! I like them! I've never felt more accepted and listened to by another person in my life and they don't really require much of me, so let's get married!) And my parents are hella screwed up, just not in a Cluster B sorta way and they're quite outwardly functional so they pass as not a mess. But anxiety and self-worth issues out the wazoo with my mum and my dad is the most emotionally-repressed human being I've ever met, so. Just earlier this year I learnt my mum tried to commit suicide after finding out her ex-boyfriend at the time had recently attempted the same. My dad found her on the bathroom floor. I'm learning a lot more about both of them as an adult that I wish I'd known when I began struggling myself when I was much younger.

 

Anyway, yeah. Who we are leads to the situations in which we find ourselves. General life principle, really.

There does seem a somewhat common thread of people who had little dating experience - maybe they are less able to recognize when things are not following a typical pattern.

 

Maybe also screwed up parents are common.  Mine were as well - in ways that I didn't recognize until much later in life.

 

I second the "someone loves me - its the most wonderful thing in the world".  

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My wife and I have been together for about 8 years. We are coming up on our 1-year anniversary of being married.

 

We fell in love because of shared interests and we love each other’s personality. Sex was non-existent at the beginning and is non-existent now. I plan on sharing more details in another post to ask for advice but I wanted to reply here to explain how the situation happened.

 

Unfortunately, we live in a place where abstinence only education is still very common. During the relationship we would discuss sex here and there and she would explain that when the instructors were talking about abstinence until marriage, she took it to heart, despite not being very religious. When we did talk about it, she did mention that she understood sex to be an important part of a marriage. I endured the wait because I respected her decision. She is a virgin, but I am not. We got married last year and both of us were WAY too tired to even think about sex on the wedding night itself. After a few days I did ask her when she wanted to try to begin the sexual side of our relationship and was met with cold hostility. She would cross her arms, say she did not know, and explain that she did not want to talk about it. This happened a couple of times and each time I felt hurt afterwards because I did not know what the hell was going on. Eventually we talked about it again in detail and she explained that when I asked her about when we were going to start it, she felt pressured by it and then she thought that I got really mad when she would say she did not know when. I explained to her that it was more of a disappointment thing because I had expected sex to come more naturally after we got married and she explained to me that she had thought sex would just happen naturally after we got married as well. Not long after that we had another discussion where she admitted to researching the average amount of sex for married couples and was shocked to her core. She had assumed that my sex drive was really high because of the few times I asked about it. She then started doing more research and discovered asexuality and explained to me that the description of it fit her exactly. She had thought that getting married would change her desire but was shocked to find that she still just felt the same after the wedding. She has admitted to masturbating and said that she has thought of me before but it did not provide her with any desire. She feels that the main thing masturbation should be used for is the clinical aspect that it can help with menstrual pain. We agreed that couples counseling might be a good option for us but have not pulled the trigger on that yet. At the moment it has been about 5-6 months since we last discussed anything sexual. The relationship is going fairly well, but lately I have been thinking about the lack of sex again and the fact that she has no interest in it whatsoever and is also repulsed by it. I have started entertaining the idea of an open marriage but am not sure how she would react to the request.

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On 7/30/2019 at 11:01 PM, Telecaster68 said:

My theory is that many of us sexuals who stick around have learned very low expectations for getting our needs met as kids (kind of the opposite of a sense of entitlement); and we want a calm relationship, and we see our partners’ lack of demonstrativeness as that calm, only finding out later there’s nothing but calm.

This seems surprisingly true for many aces in my ace-dating experience. Many are lonely and have low self esteem with low expectations, so they are willing to pair up with any asexual that they take a liking to or any asexual that fancies them (even if they aren't their type). The goal seems to be to just fill each other's emptiness/loneliness. I want to be in relationship because I am special to someone, not simply because I get along with them. It saddens me to think that my choices are to either be single for the rest of my life or to relationship with compatible asexual partner without ever being special to them.

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