Jump to content
Winged Whisperer

How did you get married to an asexual?

Recommended Posts

Winged Whisperer

Question is for the sexuals who got married (or have been in very long term relationships) to an asexual and found out far later down the line (let's put a minimum of 4 years as a cutoff point) that their partner was ace. How did you fall in love? Was sex a problem from the very beginning? If it was, didn't you talk about it early? How did the early conversations go? Why did it take so long to find out about asexuality?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

My nearly-exwife very definitely pursued me, and saw offering sex as part of the strategy for reeling me in, so we had a fair amount of it to start with. I don't think she was being any more cynical than anyone is when they try to make themselves as attractive as possible in the early days of a relationship, but judging by conversations in later years, she definitely saw it as a 'thing you do early on and then drop'. It dropped off a lot, like down to maybe about once every three weeks, after a couple of years and then tailed off completely - for instance after about 10 years of marriage we went on a big, three week holiday which included my 40th birthday. She organised some fantastic trips etc. for my benefit but no sex was had, and by that point, this was no surprise to me. Disappointment, but no surprise. 

 

From the first, although initially there was a reasonable amount of sex, it somehow felt a bit 'off', which took me ages to understand. I expected that sex would get better as we got to know each's preferences more (because that's usually what  happens), but it didn't. Generally, partners pay attention to how each other reacts to different things, and do more of the good stuff and less of the things they enjoy less, but my wife didn't really seem to pick up on that, or have much feel of it being about shared play rather than figuring out the most direct route to her having an orgasm; she was willing to get me off but it didn't seem to turn her on, the way it does most sexual partners. Foreplay felt more like pre-flight checks to see if we were good to go with PIV. 

 

I should've said more, and more clearly, and earlier on, but her emerging cluelessness and unresponsiveness, and the fact that she was clearly trying (although this tailed off over time) made it tricky. When someone is saying to you 'that was the best sex I've ever had', it's pretty tricky to reply 'well, it was pretty meh for me'. As I say, she didn't seem to respond to the usual gentle re-direction and pointers that seem to work with other partners. At the this stage, I didn't appreciate the profundity of the difference in the way we experienced sex, and given she had a bunch of life stuff going on at the same time (death of a friend, work things, miscarriages, gynae problems, menopause, amongst others) I put it down to those and thought that when they cleared up, we'd be fine, or would at least both want to get back to having a decent sex life.

 

But when those things were resolved, or mostly so, and I brought it up, about 15 years in, it was clear she just didn't understand why I thought our complete - by then - lack of sex was a big deal, and refused to engage with it, or stick to any scheduled sex, or even have any kind of physical affection, again, because she didn't see the need. She said things like we didn't have sex any more in the same way we didn't go out clubbing; that 'only men' attached any emotional importance to sex, she'd only ever been interested in sex as effectively basically using someone else to masturbate with and I was conveniently to hand.... 

 

I had my own childhood stuff which made me far more tolerant of not getting my needs met in a relationship and not great at getting them met, so I take some of the responsibility for that. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
21 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

that 'only men' attached any emotional importance to sex

I remember you mentioning her saying that before, yeah... and wondering where on earth she got that. I feel like the stereotype is the exact opposite? Aren't women supposed to be the ones getting all feely and cuddly and crying after sex and stuff?

 

I bet straight dudes would fantasise less about gay girl sex if they knew that half of what we do is lie there quietly being all adorable and hugging and crying. :lol: 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

I remember you mentioning her saying that before, yeah... and wondering where on earth she got that. I feel like the stereotype is the exact opposite? Aren't women supposed to be the ones getting all feely and cuddly and crying after sex and stuff?

I wonder if since she'd only had sex with men, it had only ever been men who'd said that to her? Or it was some version of the line about how for men, sex leads to love, and for women, love leads to sex? On the other hand, she had a lot of male gay friends, so maybe they talked about it? Meanwhile, I can easily imagine her female friends didn't talk about that stuff as much, weirdly enough, as they were all working far too hard at being cool, even in middle age. She told me not long ago they were going to have an 'intervention' on one of the group because she's basically doing too much sporty stuff for their liking - I know this woman, and this is not some frenetic exercising to lose extreme amounts of weight... she just likes running and swimming and is really, really fit).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
34 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Or it was some version of the line about how for men, sex leads to love, and for women, love leads to sex?

Ohhh huh, hadn't thought of that possibility. That's one way someone could spin that if they wanted to -- that sex leads to love for men, ergo sex is necessary for emotions to happen, which makes sex emotional.

 

As for the "intervention", groups of female friends completely boggle me. Apparently I know how to fall in love with girls and how to bang them, but I'm lost when it comes to their platonic (hetero?) group dynamics. Like that thing where they go to the washroom in a gaggle. I don't need someone to help me pee, and I'd honestly prefer they wait outside...

 

Anyway. Way off-topic, sorry OP. I was in a relationship with an asexual person for about eight years, still legally married to him, but your questions mostly aren't applicable to our relationship. My partner also married someone who's ace, but she's taking an AVEN break of sorts at the moment and it's not my place to tell her story, so. Basically I'm cluttering up your thread needlessly. :lol: 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, CBC said:

That's one way someone could spin that if they wanted to -- that sex leads to love for men, ergo sex is necessary for emotions to happen.

... but even then, the other half of the epigram is that love leads to sex for women so there's still some emotional involvement. 

 

Actually, given that remark, and a bunch of others she made in our many ongoing conversations, I think she just had no clue that for most people, the point of sex was interaction rather than orgasm, and when I insisted it was, she was flailing around trying to come up with an explanation that made sense to herself.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

That may be true, yeah. Sounds plausible. If the emotions aren't there, sex pretty much seems like masturbation -- the point of which generally is orgasm. So why would someone with no capacity to understand the emotional component treat it any differently than masturbation? The inability to accept someone else's insistence that it isn't that way for everyone is problematic, though. Asexuals seem divided on that -- either they understand but just don't experience it themselves, or they refuse to accept it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

Sadly I had very little dating experience, so my girlfriend's (future wife) lack of interest in sex didn't ring any alarm bells. Back then, there was a general feeling that women waited to have sex. I had never heard of asexuality - I believed as I had been told that if a woman loves you, she will want to have sex with you.   I was also brought in in a family where sex was never discussed, was considered shameful.  In retrospect I think my mother was asexual, and my father miserable for his marriage. 

 

My first real warning was when we had sex only once on our week long honeymoon - but there was always an excuse.  For a long time she used poor health as an excuse - took me a while to realize that her poor health never kept her from doing things she wanted to do. I spent a very long time wondering what was wrong with me, why I was so unattractive.  It was only much much later that a few incidents convinced me that in general women *did* find me attractive, just not my wife.    Then I spent time being angry and resentful toward her - still not knowing that asexuality existed. 

 

Finally learned about asexuality and it all made sense - but that was after 25 years of unhappy marriage.  Now - she really is doing her very best, and I really do appreciate that.  I'm doing my best.  We get by.  She still doesn't think she is unusual, but thinks that I"m extremely over-sexed. 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

That may be true, yeah. Sounds plausible. If the emotions aren't there, sex pretty much seems like masturbation -- the point of which generally is orgasm. So why would someone with no capacity to understand the emotional component treat it any differently than masturbation? The inability to accept someone else's insistence that it isn't that way for everyone is problematic, though. Asexuals seem divided on that -- either they understand but just don't experience it themselves, or they're refuse to accept it.

She seemed to understand it rationally, and didn't explicitly reject it though I don't get the feeling she appreciated the depth of emotion involved, and considered it was another result of my fucked up childhood. Actually I am conceivably tending towards the higher end of needing touch etc. arguably because of my childhood but still within the 'normative' range. Either way, she didn't feel able or willing to change her behaviour in any way to accommodate this, other than the odd token effort after much whining on my part. I pretty soon gave up the whining when I realised she was never going to get into it, and it was more than just a 'getting started' thing.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
4 minutes ago, CBC said:

That may be true, yeah. Sounds plausible. If the emotions aren't there, sex pretty much seems like masturbation -- the point of which generally is orgasm. So why would someone with no capacity to understand the emotional component treat it any differently than masturbation? The inability to accept someone else's insistence that it isn't that way for everyone is problematic, though. Asexuals seem divided on that -- either they understand but just don't experience it themselves, or they're refuse to accept it.

This is the case in my relationship as well. I think my wife has never really understood that sex is more than just a way to get off.   She has gotten better about it very recently - though there is still a tendency to do what "works".   It also took me a while to realize that she really does just want me to get her off quickly. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
53 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

and considered it was another result of my fucked up childhood.

Oh, whoa. That's not a reasonable thing to say to someone if it's intended at all in a dismissive manner rather than a compassionate one.

 

But yeah, needing to remind one's partner of the need for touch, sexual or otherwise, more or less negates the desired effect of it -- feeling actively wanted and cared about and validated.

 

(Off-topic sort of, but my cousin's 16-year-old son aspires to be a musician and has put out several albums. Kid has a YouTube and Spotify and everything. Last weekend, Skullz and I were sitting on the porch drinking coffee and smoking and listening to this kid's music, which is fairly terrible. One of his albums is entitled 'Sex and Validation' -- they're all kind of pretentious like that -- and we were cracking up and she said, "Hey, your two favourite things!")

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
15 minutes ago, uhtred said:

This is the case in my relationship as well. I think my wife has never really understood that sex is more than just a way to get off.

It's a... conversation, yeah. Just not one with very many words. A lot more than a perfunctory rush to the finish line.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

I like the music analogy.  How can  a music lover possibly explain why they love music to someone for whom music is just a bunch of sounds that don't have any meaning?

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
4 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I like the music analogy.  How can  a music lover possibly explain why they love music to someone for whom music is just a bunch of sounds that don't have any meaning?

Yeah that's a really good one for me personally. I can't fathom existence without music; it sounds heartbreaking. I actually have more difficulty understanding not caring for any type of music than I do understanding not wanting sex.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

My partner and I came to know each other online. Not online dating, but an online social context which mixed shared group & private 1-on-1 chatting (like this forum!). Then we progressed to chatting on the phone, then visiting each other in person. My own sexual/dating experience was pretty strong at that point: I'd had sex with several others, usually in the context of dating (not always), and reasonably diverse experiences. I was generally pretty forward about seeking sex / initiating, asking people out, sometimes getting rejected. (Honestly I don't think I was very attractive, I wasn't asked out much myself.)

So, sex wasn't a problem when we started dating and remained long distance. We had sex within hours of meeting each other. In retrospect, it's partly his indifference: he had been sexually active with a couple others before (although in retrospect I've learned this was more muted and limited than I had realized at the time). He would have sex when asked -- not submissive, just passive and going along with it. He was doing it because someone he liked wanted it and it didn't bother him. He didn't express much independent interest in sex, never shared desires of his own -- I thought he was shy. And I think a long distance relationship lends itself to scripting as preparation. Sex is expected to occur.

We got married and he moved to live with me (linked because the marriage enabled moving, for visa reasons). After marriage is when the problem became apparent. I have a vivid memory of putting on something sexy and clearly flirting, as a newlywed, and him agreeing it was nice... and turning attention back to whatever occupied him at the time. I was hurt by his lack of interest, and we talked about it. We pointed to many explanations over the years -- "stress of moving", "stress of new job", "low morale / don't like job", etc. He always wanted me to be happy sexually, and we kept thinking it would change. It was never treated like something that shouldn't matter.

 

In retrospect, my gender identity may have also played a role. I may have felt uncomfortable with men that wanted me as a woman? I'm pretty sure his non-heterosexuality (he had dated a male before me) was a draw? But I'm not sure. It's very hard to disentangle things. It's possible his asexuality affected my gender identity.

It took so long to find out about asexuality because I didn't understand it or know about it. I didn't realize someone could not feel any desire... for anyone, anything. Everything about society held the narrative that everyone wants sex... somehow. That everyone was different but it was just a matter of figuring out the puzzle of what desires someone had, and resolving issues. I only knew about other explanations, sexual inhibitions, porn addictions, stress and mental/emotional health, relationship issues with trust/bonding, physical health. Nothing prepared me for the answer of: "none".

We found out about asexuality from my LGBTQIA+ therapist, who I first saw for gender issues. (Turned out I was actually more unhappy about something else.) This was after over a decade of being married, and we already had kids. Once I read more about it, everything seemed to fall into place. I shared it with him and we had really pivotal conversations about how we experience sexuality, we had never realized how different that was. I was devastated, but it wasn't his fault. He took some months to think about the identity, see a therapist himself. It was hard for him too, because of what it implied he had done to me inadvertently. We've focused a lot of loving each other for who we are. His acceptance and support for my gender identity issues has been wonderful. I love him for his asexuality, neither of us knew it was a possibility, we focus on other ways to communicate love.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SusannaC

Like Uhtred i had very little experience.  Spent my youth competing in sports and caring for my sick father. Sex was not discussed growing up- the expectation was I would wait until married.   We united through a mutual interest in sports and we both worked together.  

My husband was the second man I had sex with- first time was a once and done, awful experience.  Married him 2 yrs later but in retrospect I definitely knew something was off.  I often cried in those early years, because I knew something was missing for me.  Sex happened regularly but mainly in the early morning, and I never orgasmed with him. 

Shortly after we both finished our final degrees and began our professions, he insisted on having a child.  He was ready.   After our first child, sex dropped off dramatically.  it’s been a long time now- but I clearly remember I wanted a baby 4 yrs later and pushing him for sex was different and difficult .  After the 2nd child, sex  basically ended for us.  

In the beginning I thought neither of us had much experience with sex because he never talked about it, or expressed desires or need. He never discussed previous relationships.  I assumed he was just shy.  Then I assumed the stress of his career took away his desire and interest.  Then I assumed it was just me.  On and on the years went.  Never knowing about Asexuality.

I have remained married for the children: have always wanted them to have a unified family.   And for him.    I know he is happy and loves me.  He loves routine and continuity....  finances and security- we are both in our 50’s now- so this also keeps me where I am.   

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

Unfortunately asexuality can masquerade as different things - especially when the asexual person doesn't know that asexuality exists.  They feel that they *should* want sex, but don't - so they interpret that as being tired or busy or sick. Or maybe thy think that their partner is not romantic enough.  (my wife thought that about me for a long time - before finally realizing that she had no idea what she wanted when she said "romantic" - it really meant that she wanted me to find something that I could do that would make her desire me.

 

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

I actually had to organize my thoughts on this as our relationship came to pass from all the stuff before it.  Brace yourselves (and perhaps grab some popcorn?) 😂

 

Background:

 

Highly successful parents, both with shades of NPD.  We were raised knowing we could do anything and were given every opportunity in life. Somehow, this makes you believe you can do anything.  I was mainly left to my own devices which means independence and solo accomplishments were givens. Loyalty, honesty, hard work and perseverance were foundational teachings. 

 

While that’s all well and good, my Father shifted a lot.  He taught all of the above, but lived by a separate set of rules that trumped all. I felt like I was on an iceberg and didn’t know which way it might shift many times. 

 

Early Romance:

 

I had crushes, but never ever let on. It was too scary, so I preferred to live in books.  I loved all of the Victorian sex books.  They were deliciously nasty: The Romance of Lust is an example. Somewhere along the way, I learned that I didn’t really need a relationship to experience and explore. Enter lots and lots of masturbation.  It was safer.  So, I was everyone’s buddy, and the guys wanted to date/hook up, but I was kind of above the fray.  Oddly, a blend of too school for cool, too pretty to approach and too distant to catch kept me solo.  If that’s not enough, I’d friend zone any guy immediately. This both suited and insulated me from boyfriend hopping.

 

Basically, 3 boyfriends, 3 continents and 15 years later, I found myself pushing 30. I’d moved back to the States after years abroad and was deeply lonely upon re-entry. Life had moved on while away, and the loneliness was killing me. My family was a mess, my friends were paired up and dating was the pits. 

 

Finding My husband:

 

Ever the goal oriented one, I decided I needed to find a husband STAT. Having done the math, time was of the essence.  I also knew that sometime in your 30’s the power shift happens and didn’t fancy being behind the 8 Ball.  Therefore, I was an early adopter of online dating.  This was back when it was unconventional and a hush-hush thing. It was also back when you met in thoughts and words which drops the noise and early barriers which is helpful. Somehow, it also seemed simpler.

 

We didn’t live near one another, but everything else lined up so well.  It was slow, and I loved that about him.  His sincerity and deeply caring nature had me intuitively know I could trust him. He was solid, loyal, a rock, a hard worker and honest as the day is long. We wanted the same things and he had an element that drew me in: I saw that he needed me. I also could lean on him, and he’d be there. He was not a “shifting iceberg” and had all of the other elements I was looking for emotionally. It was a great fit.

 

Sex was weird: Short, tentative, more quick than passionate. It never was “normal” unless he’d had a few drinks.  It didn’t matter at the time as I overlooked it figuring he just needed to be shown. He was respectful and a very good man.  Dirty wasn’t part of who he is, and I’d figured we’d morph with time and practice.  We talked a lot about it early on. He never had any fantasies which was odd, but I figured he was too shy to say. That was ok! We would take it slow and learn together. 

 

We started fighting about sex fairly quickly. I’d flown him to Hawaii for a quick vacation around year one, and nothing. He had a ton of believable excuses.  Then, once back, he’d produce only after a fight about it.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Why didn’t he understand that sex is binding and fundamentally necessary for the peace and health of the relationship?  He always said he’d try harder, and I believed him.  He referenced his childhood a lot, and also said he wasn’t a “sexual dynamo” frequently. He told me that he was fully inhibited due to his upbringing and needed a beer to lessen the stress. I always stocked beer...

 

I bought books, recorded shows, explained to him a thousand different ways what I needed, but to no avail. He loves me fully, but very early on, we could go months with nothing. Yet, everything else was amazing. I was around 32-33, just finishing up a masters degree and knee deep in a career, when I realized time was running out. Also, I knew what an amazing man he was.  We got married the next year.

 

When it came time to have children, he found an excuse every single time.  All I needed was his sperm though, so we went through IVF. Twice.

 

I was so busy for 8 years having the family, I didn’t stop to dwell on the fact that we never had sex. Oh, occasionally I did of course, and it would crop up, but generally we’d ignore it and focus on the babies. I was tired of the merry-go-round discussions to nowhere.

 

By then, I’d done the whole, “Is he gay? Deviant? Into alternative kink? Not attracted to me?” and come up empty. Instead, I Googled in my downtime and only ever turned up “sexless marriage” articles.  It was a waste of time, but I did it a lot across years. I never once came across asexuality.  Otherwise, I spent a ton of time with friends and immersed in hobbies. 

 

During that time, I was resentful. Not because of the lack of sex, but because of the broken promises. I felt he didn’t truly care about what I needed. It was explicitly explained ad nauseam.  He always and earnestly promised to try, but never once lifted a finger. I knew there was a problem, a major problem, but didn’t know what. The secret was killing me as well.  

 

The Breaking Point:

 

I’ve chronicled this in my journey previously. Having a hysterectomy increased my libido to a level I could no longer handle on my own. 

 

No matter how much talking we did, and it’s months worth across time, it was useless. The day I found AVEN (early 2017) my world stopped spinning for a moment.  The a-ha’s reverberated for hours.  I’m still having a-ha moments actually.  The rest, you already know.

 

TLDR:

 

- Detached parents begot independent children

- Never bounced around with boyfriends 

- Carefully selected a man based on emotional needs at the time

- Biological clock forced my hand

- Knew there was a problem, no idea what 

- Created my life around my husband

- Life forced me to deal with it post hysterectomy

 

There you have it.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay

My story is a collection of parts of all the stories already shared and I suspect many details not shared that others would also identify with if we gathered somewhere to chew the fat. What I state below about how my husband was feeling has only been confirmed by him recently. I was drawn to my husband because he was different; non threatening, sexually. I didn't recognise this until much later. I was a child in 1970's and a teen in 1980's Ireland where poverty was common and abuse of all shades was endemic. Most adults were a threat. We met early into our first year at university. He was gorgeous and very confident unlike me but he wanted to spend time with me so I felt like we had found something special. We became good friends and both believed we would figure out all the rest of the details together. Sex was 'off' from the start but again, I didn't have the experience to understand and over the years fell into a cycle of blaming his upbringing or myself-trying to fix myself-begging him to tell me what to do-switching off and distancing myself-keeping very very busy-focusing on my children and work and volunteering etc etc etc. My husband loved me but couldn't feel himself to be in love with me, the way he thought he was supposed to. He went through phases of feeling unhappy and resentful but didn't explain so it manifested as annoyance/anger from my point of view. He couldn't explain why he was angry and denied that is what he was feeling. Hindsight of course tells us he was confused and scared to delve into himself enough to fully understand. He kept himself busy too, with work or hobbies or drank to make himself have sex or drank to fall asleep. He hid his head in the sand, as has been mentioned by others. When he did take it out to give any thought to what was 'wrong' he felt that maybe I was just the wrong woman for him and someone else would inspire him to feel desire. This, he also kept to himself but my gut told me it was part of the problem. I have known him since he was a boy and watched him grow into the man he is now. He is a good person who finds it incredibly difficult to speak about emotions. If I tried to bring this stuff up he became very agitated and shut down the conversation very fast; usually storming off with "this again, don't you think about anything else?".  An entire year could go by before I would broach the subject again and he would still say that. When he did stay in the room and try to discuss his feelings the talk only ever got as far as him saying he was messed up and he didn't want me to despise him but he couldn't find the words to explain what exactly he was going through. I also read and read and read and attended counselling and took night classes in therapy approaches like CBT. I considered lots of explanations but never came across asexuality specifically as an orientation until very recently when my daughter started going to a lgbtqia+ centre and then I finally had the right word to use for internet searches. From there I decided enough was enough and we have been talking ever since. Talking and talking and talking. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

I just woke up and read the antiseptic recount of the W’s. (Who, What, why...) of our journey and realized a couple of points are missing:

 

1. In order for me to trust anyone, I need to sit back at a distance to figure out what I think before I can allow myself to let go and feel. It’s a trust thing as a result of having grown up on an iceberg.

 

2. I went through the exact same process to find my lover with the exact same outcome - an incredible match. The difference sexually was in the luck of the draw. Husband = asexual (although he still doesn’t self identify). Lover = Highly sexual and everything I’d ever read about.

 

Bottom Line: Deciding on a pairing has never come down to the sex for me. It’s about the MAN. The rest I thought I could handle.  Obviously, with time and circumstance, that too had its limits.  Hope that makes sense. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

I like the music analogy.  How can  a music lover possibly explain why they love music to someone for whom music is just a bunch of sounds that don't have any meaning? 

Yeah, that about hits the mark, for me at least.  Music is mostly just noise to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Tangentially, a friend gave me a book way back when that was a collection of input from octogenarians asked, “If you had to do it over again, what would you do differently?”

 

This response stuck with me, and made me rethink my 20’s.  That response was:

 

”I’d have fucked them all!” 💥

 

Hahahahaha. - That always makes me laugh.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
14 hours ago, uhtred said:

Unfortunately asexuality can masquerade as different things - especially when the asexual person doesn't know that asexuality exists.  They feel that they *should* want sex, but don't - so they interpret that as being tired or busy or sick. Or maybe thy think that their partner is not romantic enough.  (my wife thought that about me for a long time - before finally realizing that she had no idea what she wanted when she said "romantic" - it really meant that she wanted me to find something that I could do that would make her desire me.

 

 

And sometimes its actually true... I thought I was ace, never wanted sex. Get a partner that "does things right" and suddenly, sexual desire. I couldnt have named it though, I didnt realize until it happened that the key to my sexual desire was in feeling unpressured to have sex. Which, most peoples natural desires feel pressurey and then there is obligation and then I just cant care about it. 

 

So.. makes sense for them to be confused. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Tangentially, a friend gave me a book way back when that was a collection of input from octogenarians asked, “If you had to do it over again, what would you do differently?”

 

This response stuck with me, and made me rethink my 20’s.  That response was:

 

”I’d have fucked them all!” 💥

 

Hahahahaha. - That always makes me laugh.

When the English poet laureate John Betjeman was dying, someone asked him if he had any regrets. He said 'not enough sex'.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Yeah, that about hits the mark, for me at least.  Music is mostly just noise to me.

That boggles my mind. Not a criticism, but just... it's interesting how people perceive things differently. Music might be my favourite thing in the world. Sometimes it's felt like an actual lifesaver.

 

Love and sex are pretty great, too. ;) 

 

17 hours ago, uhtred said:

Or maybe thy think that their partner is not romantic enough.

Different scenario, but that reminds me of how my husband always considered me borderline aromantic. As if he was the romantic ace and I was aro and sexual (but weird about sex because it never felt... right) in that relationship. I am most definitely not aromantic haha, just took the right connection. He needed several hours of highly romantic interaction and had to psych himself up for the possibility of sex, and I could get in that mindset after a few minutes of playfulness. (And then sex was a letdown because the desire wasn't reciprocal and I felt like shit after... but that's another story.) But yeah, it always surprised me that he thought I was aromantic. I didn't feel it, however I also couldn't connect with him that way, so. In part I think it's more than an orientation thing... my mind automatically went to sex as part of interacting that way and his didn't, so it always felt "unfinished" to me. Although it's true that I can't really be too romantic with men, so. Sexual, sure; romantic... ehh.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
4 minutes ago, CBC said:

 

 

Different scenario, but that reminds me of how my husband always considered me borderline aromantic. As if he was the romantic ace and I was aro and sexual (but weird about sex because it never felt... right) in that relationship. I am most definitely not aromantic haha, just took the right connection. He needed several hours of highly romantic interaction and had to psych himself up for the possibility of sex, and I could get in that mindset after a few minutes of playfulness. (And then sex was a letdown because the desire wasn't reciprocal and I felt like shit after... but that's another story.) But yeah, it always surprised me that he thought I was aromantic. I didn't feel it, however I also couldn't connect with him that way, so. In part I think it's more than an orientation thing... my mind automatically went to sex as part of interacting that way and his didn't, so it always felt "unfinished" to me. Although it's true that I can't really be too romantic with men, so. Sexual, sure; romantic... ehh.

My exes always felt like they werent romantic... cause of the sex. :lol: I wanted three hours of cuddling and kissing and talking and they wanted two minutes then sex. Felt like lack of romance to me. Felt like lack of romance for them.

 

edit: and even now it takes me like several hours of connecting to want sex... like yesterday I laid on my partners leg and almost fell asleep during a storm and when I got up, I got into lingerie and came back in to be flirty. But, needed that time together first. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
1 minute ago, Serran said:

My exes always felt like they werent romantic... cause of the sex. :lol: I wanted three hours of cuddling and kissing and talking and they wanted two minutes then sex. Felt like lack of romance to me. Felt like lack of romance for them.

Yep, something is lacking on both ends. I guess that's how you ultimately know it's not the right match. Both people should be feeling fulfilled by the interaction.

 

Cuz yeah, I'm embarrassingly sappy hahaha. I mean, I'm here bursting into tears several times a day over a left-behind bottle of shampoo... so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
12 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yep, something is lacking on both ends. I guess that's how you ultimately know it's not the right match. Both people should be feeling fulfilled by the interaction.

 

Cuz yeah, I'm embarrassingly sappy hahaha. I mean, I'm here bursting into tears several times a day over a left-behind bottle of shampoo... so.

Yeah. I need a lot of non-sexual touch to be sexual. Most my exes needed sexual touch to be non-sexual. It just didnt work... cause by doing sex first I felt disconnected and blah and by doing romance first they felt frustrated and annoyed. 

 

My wife loves non sexual touch for itself. Which is where I managed to figure out my whole non-sexuality... I just need a ton of intimacy before sex. And non sexual intimacy, not foreplay. 

 

Another version of compatibility that is important!

 

And if it makes you feel better, me and my wife end up doing silly stuff like any clothes left behind end up making their way onto the bed just to get each others scent nearby again... 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
5 hours ago, Serran said:

Yeah. I need a lot of non-sexual touch to be sexual. Most my exes needed sexual touch to be non-sexual. It just didnt work... cause by doing sex first I felt disconnected and blah and by doing romance first they felt frustrated and annoyed. 

 

My wife loves non sexual touch for itself. Which is where I managed to figure out my whole non-sexuality... I just need a ton of intimacy before sex. And non sexual intimacy, not foreplay. 

 

Another version of compatibility that is important!

I don't think I can jump straight into sex without some degree of prior closeness and intimacy either, no. That's just weird to me. I just don't need three hours of romantic films to brace myself for something that I don't really want to be doing, which was my husband's deal. Because I can go from non-sexual touch to "Ok, bedroom!" in a few minutes haha. But non-sexual intimacy just by itself is great too, and I would find it weird to have to have sex every single time. There was one day last week where I was feeling really sick (yay, chronic illness) and sex was definitely not within the realm of possibility in that moment, and Skullz gave me a massage and I just fell asleep and that was awesome. And I miss the shoulder massages... holy hell, I did not realise how constantly tense I am. And just hugging. I'd kill for a five-second hug just standing in the kitchen or whatever. Touch is really important to me and it doesn't have to be sexual or lead to sex. And it's really great to be on the same page with someone on that.

 

 

5 hours ago, Serran said:

And if it makes you feel better, me and my wife end up doing silly stuff like any clothes left behind end up making their way onto the bed just to get each others scent nearby again... 

I found a t-shirt under the bed that I refuse to wash. Like the shampoo, it makes me burst into tears. I haven't changed the bedsheets yet. There's a hoodie that got left in the dryer and I wear it daily even though the weather is too warm for hoodies except at night. I haven't even discarded the cigarette butts in the empty candleholder on the porch that I use as an ashtray hahaha. And that's, like, kinda gross. :lol: 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...