Jump to content
TimeDelay

What does 'aromantic' look like?

Recommended Posts

Traveler40
12 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

He says he loves me very deeply; that he would die for me.  He does not kiss me, reach out to touch me even casually, snuggle up with me on the sofa, lean into me when we are side by side, put his arm around me, rub my hand or thigh when nearby, suggest dinner dates or weekends away together etc etc etc.  I could go on describing all the small signs that suggest one person is romantically inclined toward their partner. I do these things, without even thinking. He has never acted this way toward me. He says he just never thinks of it. 

Basically this.  I feel stupid, blind, deeply embarrassed and exposed when having typed something similar earlier.  The pain is still there, at least for me.

 

Even though my lover’s touch reassures me continually, my husband’s complete (what feels like) rejection in this way has left emotional scars.  He seemingly doesn’t understand it’s toll, yet I spent years breaking it down for him to no avail.

 

TLDR: What it looks like is living with your brother.  You love him, but never touch him except by accident, and when that happens, it’s beyond awkward.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

TLDR: What it looks like is living with your brother.  You love him, but never touch him except by accident, and when that happens, it’s beyond awkward

This.

 

I'd say 'sister' because I'm a straight male, but actually, it would be like living with my brother, too.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Last summer I learned something I’d not previously understood: It’s not the sex that matters most, it’s the touch. My lover spends significant time just holding me. These days, it’s like a drug.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

It’s not the sex that matters most, it’s the touch.

I know that's what I miss most. But if I was in a relationship where I had All The Touching and none of the sex, I'd still find it unsatisfactory. Just not completely debilitating.

 

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer
12 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

He says he loves me very deeply; that he would die for me.

This alone means they're not aro, at least very very likely not.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Great lyrics (never heard that song before) and I understand completely.  Years ago, I never missed my monthly massage as it was my only outlet for contact beyond “shaking hands”.

 

Reciprocal touch leading up to, into, through and after sex is all that and some. The sexual component and goal is a critical element for sure.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay
18 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

This alone means they're not aro, at least very very likely not.

He says it's the same depth of feeling he has for our children. Are you saying aromantic means to not feel any kind of love at all, for anyone?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer
2 minutes ago, TimeDelay said:

He says it's the same depth of feeling he has for our children. Are you saying aromantic means to not feel any kind of love at all, for anyone?

Yeah aromantics can feel platonic/familial love for sure. And ok that's different, I didn't know that. That does sound like platonic love, but it also could be he's confused. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Did he ever have a crush on someone in his life? I mean you are married so at some point one of you asked the other out I assume.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay

I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'what' my husband is in the context of orientation or anything else. What he identifies as does not materially change anything between us. I chase these ideas as a way of making sense of where we are right now and because I am human, yearning and possibly foolish (I hear you @Traveler40).

My husband in fact gives the impression of being a romantic person but over the years I have come to understand that a person can love poetry and beautiful words and deeply descriptive prose without ever finding the person in front of them worth looking at in the same way. My H loves loves rich complicated language, in books. He is highly intelligent; an inventor.  He loves astronomy and the beauty and mystery of nature. He does not view earthly things like a woman's body pressed against him, that same body carrying life or nurturing an infant, as beautiful or inspiring. I am very much of the earth while he is of the sky. This is the root of our incompatibility and why I now know without a shadow of doubt that I will never find what I so desperately need, with him alone.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay

That song is spot on @Telecaster68. Here is one I only came across this week and when I listened it just...well see what you think. I'm sorry in advance @Traveler40..but maybe you already know this one (the song as well as living it)

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 hour ago, TimeDelay said:

I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'what' my husband is in the context of orientation or anything else. What he identifies as does not materially change anything between us. I chase these ideas as a way of making sense of where we are right now and because I am human, yearning and possibly foolish (I hear you @Traveler40).

My husband in fact gives the impression of being a romantic person but over the years I have come to understand that a person can love poetry and beautiful words and deeply descriptive prose without ever finding the person in front of them worth looking at in the same way. My H loves loves rich complicated language, in books. He is highly intelligent; an inventor.  He loves astronomy and the beauty and mystery of nature. He does not view earthly things like a woman's body pressed against him, that same body carrying life or nurturing an infant, as beautiful or inspiring. I am very much of the earth while he is of the sky. This is the root of our incompatibility and why I now know without a shadow of doubt that I will never find what I so desperately need, with him alone.

My nearly-exwife is similar. She's picked up all these expansive drama queeny mannerisms but that's all they are; they have no deeper meaning for her. It was a total mindfuck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Thanks for the song @TimeDelay.  I hear it as me tending to run wild and uncontrollable by nature, while my husband seeks to clip me, plant me, keep me (with minimal water for survival) and watch me occasionally which holds true. (As opposed to her presumed point: Appreciating beauty from a distance.) Either way, it was relatable and made me think! Thanks for that.

 

🤔, I can think of a thousand different songs that could apply to my relationship with my lover, but could not think of one which characterizes life with my husband. 

 

Ok, WEIRD tangential thought as that’s how my crazy brain works - “while like siblings, we certainly aren’t incestuous!”  

(Come on, that’s funny 😆!)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

while like siblings, we certainly aren’t incestuous

It is, but I have no idea where the quote's from.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

My bad and poor grammar for adding quotes as it’s from my brain.  It was just a thought that flew across my mind. 😬 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Google produced a whole bunch of GoT references....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Ahh, hadn’t thought of that. I think I’m still pissed off at the last 2 episodes and therefore blocked it from the mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Never watched a full episode in my life...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

It was an incredibly twisted show and a trail blazer in many ways. I enjoyed it each season, even if deeply disturbing at times.  The only other show I ever watched in complete was Lost. In any case, no idea why you’d know GoT references if never watched it? 🤷🏻‍♀️😬

 

Edit: And by all means, don’t start now! You’d sink in 7 3/4 seasons only to be left high and dry. It was SUCH a disappointment in the end!

 

Edit 2:  AHHHHHHHH, you “Googled it” and saw the GoT references. Yeah, my elevator doesn’t hit the top floor until 8am and 2 cups of coffee. Gotcha 😉

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

GoT was ... a lot of characters one can hate, none one could love, some sex thrown in randomly just cause (literally added a whole new character to the show vs books just to add more boobs and fired the actress when she wanted more of a role than to be the extra boobs) and a few interesting points. Was at times visually appealing with the sets and cinematography. But, overall, lackluster imo. Especially since the last season they seemed to stop caring at all and that final huge fight had some of the worst looking, shaky, poorly edited nonsense I have seen in such a big hit show. It felt Scyfy original in quality... I could forgive the poor writing if they had made it at least look cool. 

 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I'm going to chime in here, being that I've been with an ace/aro for about a year now.  Yes, they can be very affectionate and still be aro.  My boyfriend loves human touch.  He loves cuddling.  It's literally his favor thing.  He would cuddle with friends at parties.  He has done that for as long as I've know him... which is roughly 8 years.

 

I watched him battle his feelings for years.  Discovering who he was.  Trying to understand why he was different.  I watched him try to force himself into hitting on girls at bars.  One of our mutual friends was always tryin to wingman for him.  There were several long walks I took with him in the middle of the night, after his awkward failed human interactions, telling him that he was okay, and that some day someone would love him and accept him for who he was.  Turns out, that someone was me.

 

The reason we even hooked up was because there were several catastrophic things that happened to me in a row, and he suggested we just go get tore up and do a feelings dump.  We did just that, and in that moment, my feelings for him switched on like a light switch.  I made it clear that I wanted to sleep with him, and so we did.  Looking back, he did it because he thought that's what I needed from a friend standpoint.  Though, I was really into pursuing a relationship with him afterwards.  Then came the long talks about Asexuality, and the fact that he had finally come to terms with all of it.  Finally accepted that he would like be alone forever, and that he was okay with that.  

 

Fast forward to aro.  He had never even considered that he was aro, as he had never been in a relationship before and didn't have the data to tell him one way or another.  I started to suspect it after roughly 4 months into our relationship.  I had to really do some soul searching to see if I would be/could be okay with someone who could never love me back in the way that I love.  I've been holding on to the fleeting chance that he's demiromantic, but I have to be prepared for the fact that he truly is aro.  In my heart I believe him to be aro.  

 

He loves me in all the ways that he can.  We share a deep bond, and I know that he enjoys my company.  I know that he would miss me if I was gone.  I know that he thinks about me.  But I'm never going to be complimented romantically.  I'm never going to hear songs of praise, or statements of love.  He has asked me to describe romantic love to him a few times.  He has never felt it.  He understands that I do.  He tries his best to give me what I need, and really, that's pretty awesome of him.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Thanks for the song @TimeDelay.  I hear it as me tending to run wild and uncontrollable by nature, while my husband seeks to clip me, plant me, keep me (with minimal water for survival) and watch me occasionally which holds true. (As opposed to her presumed point: Appreciating beauty from a distance.) Either way, it was relatable and made me think! Thanks for that.

 

 

I identified as the dandelion of the title as my H wants something more like the orchid or the Mona Lisa; he says he thinks I am a wonderful mother and wife and knows I can never come close to being this unrealistic ideal he has in his head and yet a part of him has spent the last thirty years believing if his ideal came along then he would feel inspired to want a physical relationship. Or if I was different somehow ..This Dandelion never stood a chance but he has only admitted that this year.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer
5 minutes ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

We share a deep bond, and I know that he enjoys my company.  I know that he would miss me if I was gone.  I know that he thinks about me.  But I'm never going to be complimented romantically.  I'm never going to hear songs of praise, or statements of love.

I think the bold parts are what I'd consider being romantic, loving someone in a way that I just wouldn't be towards my friends, no matter how close they are to me. Some people just aren't a compliment-y person, and some really reserve it for certain situations. Like I've seen it a lot among my circle of friends where there are couples that are very outwardly romantic and then there are those that either keep it to themselves and private but also there's those that even when talking about their relationships one-on-one, it becomes obvious that one just really lacks "making the compliments" or "talking the language of romance", because let's face it the language of romance is a very heavily socially constructed one. I know that I really don't care about a lot of romantic conventions and also that over time I absorbed and learned some other bits of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay

@Telecaster68 and @Traveler40..I was doing household stuff there..I will reply soon but just wanted to say thanks for the laughs..and omfg LOST..don't mention the war..I still haven't recovered from that one and am very glad i didn't get into GoT. I did read all the books though.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
3 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

I think the bold parts are what I'd consider being romantic, loving someone in a way that I just wouldn't be towards my friends, no matter how close they are to me. Some people just aren't a compliment-y person, and some really reserve it for certain situations. Like I've seen it a lot among my circle of friends where there are couples that are very outwardly romantic and then there are those that either keep it to themselves and private but also there's those that even when talking about their relationships one-on-one, it becomes obvious that one just really lacks "making the compliments" or "talking the language of romance", because let's face it the language of romance is a very heavily socially constructed one. I know that I really don't care about a lot of romantic conventions and also that over time I absorbed and learned some other bits of it.

I assure you, it's not the same.  The bond is one of trust, and understanding.  I accept him completely and that means the world to him.  His efforts come mainly from empathy, and friendship... not from romantic love.  It's very different.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer

@xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ obviously you know him and your relationship infinitely better than I do and I'm very much glad that it's working out between you. I just don't on a cognitive level understand how can someone truly miss someone else or think about them and be in a relationship with them without being in love.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
1 minute ago, Winged Whisperer said:

@xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ obviously you know him and your relationship infinitely better than I do and I'm very much glad that it's working out between you. I just don't on a cognitive level understand how can someone truly miss someone else or think about them and be in a relationship with them without being in love.

I assume he would miss me in the same way that one would be sad if a best friend moved away.  

 

And I assume that he thinks about me because suddenly there is this creature in their life that understands you and loves you for all of the things in which the world told you you were broken for being.  It's probably overwhelming, but at the same time he doesn't want to loose it.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer

Ok great, now I'm questioning myself again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
10 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Ok great, now I'm questioning myself again.

*hug* I'm sorry if I jostled something for you!  The world is full of people, and people are complex and confusing.  Lables are great, but they don't define you.  You are what you are, and that's perfectly fine. 

 

This forum is great for a lot of things, but one of those things is semantics.  We are dealing with topics of grey and we can try to pinpoint as much as possible, but in the end, it's still grey and fluid.  Like trying to point your finger at a moving body of water and proclaiming "that spot right there!" In a moment that spot has changed and though it was true in that moment, the water moves on.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
36 minutes ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

*hug* I'm sorry if I jostled something for you!  The world is full of people, and people are complex and confusing.  Lables are great, but they don't define you.  You are what you are, and that's perfectly fine. 

 

This forum is great for a lot of things, but one of those things is semantics.  We are dealing with topics of grey and we can try to pinpoint as much as possible, but in the end, it's still grey and fluid.  Like trying to point your finger at a moving body of water and proclaiming "that spot right there!" In a moment that spot has changed and though it was true in that moment, the water moves on.

And I think there's so much emphasis here on trying to pin down (as Douglas Adams put it) 'clearly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty' because there are so many people who struggle to figure out their own internal life, and pinning down some things as immovable makes that easier, and life less stressful. Sadly, lots of things IRL continue to move after you think you've pinned them down, so when you go back and discover they've moved, life gets even more confusing than if you'd just let the have their unknowableness in the first place.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Chihiro
1 hour ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I assume he would miss me in the same way that one would be sad if a best friend moved away.  

 

And I assume that he thinks about me because suddenly there is this creature in their life that understands you and loves you for all of the things in which the world told you you were broken for being.  It's probably overwhelming, but at the same time he doesn't want to loose it.

I am with what @Winged Whisperer said earlier. Sharing a deep bond and missing someone is a sign of romance. I wonder if there is romantic mismatch here (keeping in mind the 5 languages of love). I reserve 'missing someone' to someone I romantically love (not by choice, happens naturally). The same way some people reserve cuddles to their romantic partners. I would be upset if someone assumes the above. I have never missed my best friends. I only miss doing certain things with them, but dont miss the person themselves. Whereas even if a partner doesn't do anything, I will miss their presence (in LDR there isn't much you can do together except text but yet I miss them terribly).

 

And I am not big on touches either (only like hugs). Despise love poems. And I rarely make statements of love. But I try to make them feel special in little ways. And I am there for them come rain or shine and I will do everything in my power to make them feel better. If anyone calls me aromantic and I only have friendship-feeling, f*** them. Good luck, go get the same thing from your friends, instead of bothering me (directed at nobody).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...