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What does 'aromantic' look like?


TimeDelay

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Winged Whisperer
2 minutes ago, TimeDelay said:

He says it's the same depth of feeling he has for our children. Are you saying aromantic means to not feel any kind of love at all, for anyone?

Yeah aromantics can feel platonic/familial love for sure. And ok that's different, I didn't know that. That does sound like platonic love, but it also could be he's confused. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Did he ever have a crush on someone in his life? I mean you are married so at some point one of you asked the other out I assume.

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I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'what' my husband is in the context of orientation or anything else. What he identifies as does not materially change anything between us. I chase these ideas as a way of making sense of where we are right now and because I am human, yearning and possibly foolish (I hear you @Traveler40).

My husband in fact gives the impression of being a romantic person but over the years I have come to understand that a person can love poetry and beautiful words and deeply descriptive prose without ever finding the person in front of them worth looking at in the same way. My H loves loves rich complicated language, in books. He is highly intelligent; an inventor.  He loves astronomy and the beauty and mystery of nature. He does not view earthly things like a woman's body pressed against him, that same body carrying life or nurturing an infant, as beautiful or inspiring. I am very much of the earth while he is of the sky. This is the root of our incompatibility and why I now know without a shadow of doubt that I will never find what I so desperately need, with him alone.

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That song is spot on @Telecaster68. Here is one I only came across this week and when I listened it just...well see what you think. I'm sorry in advance @Traveler40..but maybe you already know this one (the song as well as living it)

 

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Thanks for the song @TimeDelay.  I hear it as me tending to run wild and uncontrollable by nature, while my husband seeks to clip me, plant me, keep me (with minimal water for survival) and watch me occasionally which holds true. (As opposed to her presumed point: Appreciating beauty from a distance.) Either way, it was relatable and made me think! Thanks for that.

 

🤔, I can think of a thousand different songs that could apply to my relationship with my lover, but could not think of one which characterizes life with my husband. 

 

Ok, WEIRD tangential thought as that’s how my crazy brain works - “while like siblings, we certainly aren’t incestuous!”  

(Come on, that’s funny 😆!)

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My bad and poor grammar for adding quotes as it’s from my brain.  It was just a thought that flew across my mind. 😬 

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Ahh, hadn’t thought of that. I think I’m still pissed off at the last 2 episodes and therefore blocked it from the mind.

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It was an incredibly twisted show and a trail blazer in many ways. I enjoyed it each season, even if deeply disturbing at times.  The only other show I ever watched in complete was Lost. In any case, no idea why you’d know GoT references if never watched it? 🤷🏻‍♀️😬

 

Edit: And by all means, don’t start now! You’d sink in 7 3/4 seasons only to be left high and dry. It was SUCH a disappointment in the end!

 

Edit 2:  AHHHHHHHH, you “Googled it” and saw the GoT references. Yeah, my elevator doesn’t hit the top floor until 8am and 2 cups of coffee. Gotcha 😉

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GoT was ... a lot of characters one can hate, none one could love, some sex thrown in randomly just cause (literally added a whole new character to the show vs books just to add more boobs and fired the actress when she wanted more of a role than to be the extra boobs) and a few interesting points. Was at times visually appealing with the sets and cinematography. But, overall, lackluster imo. Especially since the last season they seemed to stop caring at all and that final huge fight had some of the worst looking, shaky, poorly edited nonsense I have seen in such a big hit show. It felt Scyfy original in quality... I could forgive the poor writing if they had made it at least look cool. 

 

 

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I'm going to chime in here, being that I've been with an ace/aro for about a year now.  Yes, they can be very affectionate and still be aro.  My boyfriend loves human touch.  He loves cuddling.  It's literally his favor thing.  He would cuddle with friends at parties.  He has done that for as long as I've know him... which is roughly 8 years.

 

I watched him battle his feelings for years.  Discovering who he was.  Trying to understand why he was different.  I watched him try to force himself into hitting on girls at bars.  One of our mutual friends was always tryin to wingman for him.  There were several long walks I took with him in the middle of the night, after his awkward failed human interactions, telling him that he was okay, and that some day someone would love him and accept him for who he was.  Turns out, that someone was me.

 

The reason we even hooked up was because there were several catastrophic things that happened to me in a row, and he suggested we just go get tore up and do a feelings dump.  We did just that, and in that moment, my feelings for him switched on like a light switch.  I made it clear that I wanted to sleep with him, and so we did.  Looking back, he did it because he thought that's what I needed from a friend standpoint.  Though, I was really into pursuing a relationship with him afterwards.  Then came the long talks about Asexuality, and the fact that he had finally come to terms with all of it.  Finally accepted that he would like be alone forever, and that he was okay with that.  

 

Fast forward to aro.  He had never even considered that he was aro, as he had never been in a relationship before and didn't have the data to tell him one way or another.  I started to suspect it after roughly 4 months into our relationship.  I had to really do some soul searching to see if I would be/could be okay with someone who could never love me back in the way that I love.  I've been holding on to the fleeting chance that he's demiromantic, but I have to be prepared for the fact that he truly is aro.  In my heart I believe him to be aro.  

 

He loves me in all the ways that he can.  We share a deep bond, and I know that he enjoys my company.  I know that he would miss me if I was gone.  I know that he thinks about me.  But I'm never going to be complimented romantically.  I'm never going to hear songs of praise, or statements of love.  He has asked me to describe romantic love to him a few times.  He has never felt it.  He understands that I do.  He tries his best to give me what I need, and really, that's pretty awesome of him.

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Thanks for the song @TimeDelay.  I hear it as me tending to run wild and uncontrollable by nature, while my husband seeks to clip me, plant me, keep me (with minimal water for survival) and watch me occasionally which holds true. (As opposed to her presumed point: Appreciating beauty from a distance.) Either way, it was relatable and made me think! Thanks for that.

 

 

I identified as the dandelion of the title as my H wants something more like the orchid or the Mona Lisa; he says he thinks I am a wonderful mother and wife and knows I can never come close to being this unrealistic ideal he has in his head and yet a part of him has spent the last thirty years believing if his ideal came along then he would feel inspired to want a physical relationship. Or if I was different somehow ..This Dandelion never stood a chance but he has only admitted that this year.

 

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Winged Whisperer
5 minutes ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

We share a deep bond, and I know that he enjoys my company.  I know that he would miss me if I was gone.  I know that he thinks about me.  But I'm never going to be complimented romantically.  I'm never going to hear songs of praise, or statements of love.

I think the bold parts are what I'd consider being romantic, loving someone in a way that I just wouldn't be towards my friends, no matter how close they are to me. Some people just aren't a compliment-y person, and some really reserve it for certain situations. Like I've seen it a lot among my circle of friends where there are couples that are very outwardly romantic and then there are those that either keep it to themselves and private but also there's those that even when talking about their relationships one-on-one, it becomes obvious that one just really lacks "making the compliments" or "talking the language of romance", because let's face it the language of romance is a very heavily socially constructed one. I know that I really don't care about a lot of romantic conventions and also that over time I absorbed and learned some other bits of it.

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@Telecaster68 and @Traveler40..I was doing household stuff there..I will reply soon but just wanted to say thanks for the laughs..and omfg LOST..don't mention the war..I still haven't recovered from that one and am very glad i didn't get into GoT. I did read all the books though.

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3 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

I think the bold parts are what I'd consider being romantic, loving someone in a way that I just wouldn't be towards my friends, no matter how close they are to me. Some people just aren't a compliment-y person, and some really reserve it for certain situations. Like I've seen it a lot among my circle of friends where there are couples that are very outwardly romantic and then there are those that either keep it to themselves and private but also there's those that even when talking about their relationships one-on-one, it becomes obvious that one just really lacks "making the compliments" or "talking the language of romance", because let's face it the language of romance is a very heavily socially constructed one. I know that I really don't care about a lot of romantic conventions and also that over time I absorbed and learned some other bits of it.

I assure you, it's not the same.  The bond is one of trust, and understanding.  I accept him completely and that means the world to him.  His efforts come mainly from empathy, and friendship... not from romantic love.  It's very different.  

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Winged Whisperer

@xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ obviously you know him and your relationship infinitely better than I do and I'm very much glad that it's working out between you. I just don't on a cognitive level understand how can someone truly miss someone else or think about them and be in a relationship with them without being in love.

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1 minute ago, Winged Whisperer said:

@xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ obviously you know him and your relationship infinitely better than I do and I'm very much glad that it's working out between you. I just don't on a cognitive level understand how can someone truly miss someone else or think about them and be in a relationship with them without being in love.

I assume he would miss me in the same way that one would be sad if a best friend moved away.  

 

And I assume that he thinks about me because suddenly there is this creature in their life that understands you and loves you for all of the things in which the world told you you were broken for being.  It's probably overwhelming, but at the same time he doesn't want to loose it.

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Winged Whisperer

Ok great, now I'm questioning myself again.

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10 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Ok great, now I'm questioning myself again.

*hug* I'm sorry if I jostled something for you!  The world is full of people, and people are complex and confusing.  Lables are great, but they don't define you.  You are what you are, and that's perfectly fine. 

 

This forum is great for a lot of things, but one of those things is semantics.  We are dealing with topics of grey and we can try to pinpoint as much as possible, but in the end, it's still grey and fluid.  Like trying to point your finger at a moving body of water and proclaiming "that spot right there!" In a moment that spot has changed and though it was true in that moment, the water moves on.

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1 hour ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I assume he would miss me in the same way that one would be sad if a best friend moved away.  

 

And I assume that he thinks about me because suddenly there is this creature in their life that understands you and loves you for all of the things in which the world told you you were broken for being.  It's probably overwhelming, but at the same time he doesn't want to loose it.

I am with what @Winged Whisperer said earlier. Sharing a deep bond and missing someone is a sign of romance. I wonder if there is romantic mismatch here (keeping in mind the 5 languages of love). I reserve 'missing someone' to someone I romantically love (not by choice, happens naturally). The same way some people reserve cuddles to their romantic partners. I would be upset if someone assumes the above. I have never missed my best friends. I only miss doing certain things with them, but dont miss the person themselves. Whereas even if a partner doesn't do anything, I will miss their presence (in LDR there isn't much you can do together except text but yet I miss them terribly).

 

And I am not big on touches either (only like hugs). Despise love poems. And I rarely make statements of love. But I try to make them feel special in little ways. And I am there for them come rain or shine and I will do everything in my power to make them feel better. If anyone calls me aromantic and I only have friendship-feeling, f*** them. Good luck, go get the same thing from your friends, instead of bothering me (directed at nobody).

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think this is not a usual experience. I know I miss my friends, I know they miss me. Maybe this is where some of the confusion is coming from.

 

I am definitely not confused about my romantic emotions though. The constant yearning is unmistakable. But how I choose to express that definitely doesn't follow the norm and that doesn't mean I am aromantic. I hate cliche romance (although during honeymoon period, I do feel like doing some cliche stuff. Obviously, dies after that period)

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I dont just think or wonder about my romantic crushes/partners, I will use any excuse to procrastinate or skip my work/chores to be with them. In case they aren't available I go through our texts/pics/gifts etc or text them a bunch or do anything to make me feel connected to them.

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firewallflower

Just popping in because I happened to see the discussion taking place. :)

 

I have a (coincidentally, also asexual) friend. We are very close (metaphorically, that is—geographically we're usually separated by a significant chunk of the planet :(). We share a deep bond, I miss her, and I think about her often. I'd go so far as to say I love her... platonically. Improbably, she expresses similar feelings towards me.

 

As it happens, my friend is also in a long-distance romantic relationship. She obviously shares a deep bond with her partner, misses him when they're not together, and thinks about him often. Thus far, these descriptions could sound identical... but they are not. One is a close friendship (we refer to each other in sisterly terms at times). The other is, well, a romantic relationship. There is a certain quality of feeling that firmly differentiates the platonic bond my friend and I share from romantic love. (Being quite bewildered about romanticism myself, I don't presume to try to define that quality, but it clearly exists. :P)

 

I guess part of what makes this so confusing at times when we try to pin it down is that, ultimately, every person, and every person's experience of attraction/love, and every relationship, varies. Feelings are quite subjective, and explaining them in their relatively more "objective" (or at least, clearly describable) manifestations is often our best bet, yet that's not a sure explanation either. Many common descriptors of romantic love may apply to an imitate friendship or familial relationship. A relationship may not match most common descriptors of romance, yet be very definitively identified as romantic by the individuals in the relationship. So then, we wonder, what does anything even mean?? 😱

 

It's easy to get incredibly tangled up in definitions and labels, and as Overthinker Supreme, I 100% get that. Sometimes it's useful to just sit back, go with the flow, and feel what you feel, without worrying too much about what to call it. :)

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Anthracite_Impreza

Missing someone isn't a romance thing, even I miss the odd human, and after only a few days of my non-romantic car being away I already feel like I'm missing a limb.

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The topic of conversation is what is it like as an allosexual in a relationship with an aromantic.  I'm with an aromantic.  I'm not just slapping labels on my partner.  We've had conversations about it.  I don't want him to be aromantic.  But it is what it is, and I'm not looking for him to change.  His extreme empathy and loyalty towards his friends can be easily twisted into people not understanding his intentions.  I'm just his friend.  His cuddle buddy.  His guardian.  He loves and cares about me.  But in the end, he's not in love with me.  He wants to be.  And he worries about how it affects me.  He's content with me being there and he's fine with me being in love with him.  It sounds cold, when you break it down, but it's not.  I wish I could explain it better, but I can't.  

 

I can answer questions all day about it, but I won't tolerate being attacked and judged and told that I don't know what I'm talking about.  In the end, I'm the one that's there.  I am very aware of reality.  Being aware of my reality allows me to embrace it without dillusion.  I've been told over and over that you can't be in a relationship with an aro, and I'm telling you that I can.  It isn't a typical arrangement.  But I assure you, I'm happy.

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Winged Whisperer

@xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I hope I didn't come off as attacking or judgy, I sincerely wanted to just better understand and learn more and am thankful for you sharing your experience and knowledge.

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@Winged Whisperer You were just trying to understand.  I have no problem with that.

 

@Telecaster68 You're one of those people that understand the subtly of the differences.  I also understand that you have different needs and you had to do what was best for you.

 

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1 hour ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

...I'm with an aromantic... His extreme empathy and loyalty towards his friends can be easily twisted into people not understanding his intentions.  I'm just his friend.  His cuddle buddy.  His guardian.  He loves and cares about me.  But in the end, he's not in love with me.  He wants to be.  And he worries about how it affects me.  He's content with me being there and he's fine with me being in love with him.  It sounds cold, when you break it down, but it's not.  I wish I could explain it better, but I can't...

Wow. It's almost as though you're describing me, although I have felt uncomfortable and awkward when others have expressed wanting to cuddle and have a physical relationship. I don't mind if others like to talk to me, as I've enjoyed having that type of social interaction with friends, in the past, and going places/participating in hobbies with them, but anything more than that just...the feelings/desire isn't there, so that's why it feels uncomfortably awkward.

 

But, my parents and relatives were like this, too, so that's why I sort of thought that maybe it was, perhaps, just a result of experiencing a dysfunctional family/family from other countries, with a different culture, where physical affection wasn't often shown or expressed.

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3 hours ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

 I wish I could explain it better, but I can't.  

 

You explained it perfectly, thank you! My husband sounds very much like your boyfriend so I get what you describe. I hope that over time it doesn't wear you down the way it has me but at least you are fully aware from an early stage in your relationship. My husband and I are in our late forties and only discovering what's been 'wrong' with our marriage all these years. Thanks again, best to you both.

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I'm 38 and divorced twice.  I definitely have had my fair share of experience.  I wish you nothing but love and happiness and if you need to talk about it, I am here for you.  💕

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What does 'aromantic' look like?

From a quite removed and outside perspective, with absolutely no direct stakes in any of it (so, humongous grain of salt, y'know):

These kinds of relationships, to me, seem to various parts cruel and self-destructive. Assign parts as applicable.

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