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Traveler40

“Overwhelming Advice”

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Serran
2 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I have no idea what that is, but will look it up. Thank you for your thoughtful post @anisotrophic.  

 

Rather than think about the OP, I was busy feeling it and since regretted the post having considered it from various angles.  Additionally, I went on to wonder if perhaps I’m harboring some deep seated anger I was unaware of? 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

My conclusion is I don’t think so: I felt her pain and followed her path of conclusions.  I know that path and that pain too well.  

 

The likely basis, as noted, is the lack of intimacy and support due to Aromanticism.

 

The last two years have altered me in ways I can’t put into words. My lover has taught me about humility, shown me empathy, led me to sensuality, loved me regardless and exposed me to intimacy.  I never knew any of that before him, and it only makes things harder actually.  It’s not about the sex, it’s about the bundle.

Guessing its a matter of perspective. 

 

You related to the pain. 

 

I became viscerally disgusted by the anger and bitterness. 

 

You identify strongly with the hurt of it all. I, and others, have been targets of the anger. 

 

So different experiences shape our views of it. 

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AceMissBehaving

I agree that an echo chamber is rarely a good idea. Took a look at ILIASM for context, and ouch. Even looking at posts where asexuality had been accepted was rough (not all, but a lot). I might have missed something, but didn't see anything from the other side (ace folks, folks who don't want sex for other reasons), and maybe that would have helped with some of the resentment and anger, at least in regards to asexuals.

 

I've been grateful for the input from the sexuals here, it's helped clear up a lot for me. I used to experience some resentment towards my sexual partner because I couldn't get my head around the idea of sex as a need instead of a want. I felt like he was putting his want above my need. Hearing from sexuals without the usual assumption of shared knowledge has taught me a lot about myself, and my partner.

 

If my husband was looking for help or support, I would 100% rather they landed and participated here than ILIASM. It wouldn't be great for me because it would make it almost impossible to be open and frank, and this is currently the only outlet I have for that, but I would rather lose my network than have him find his away amongst what I saw there.

 

 

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Philip027
Quote

"Sexless marriage" is seen as less than 10 times a year, scientifically, not never.

Ah, so that's why people who want to fuck can still be "asexual", and why people who eat meat can still be "vegetarian", so long as it's just like once a month or so. :rolleyes:

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Telecaster68
14 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Ah, so that's why people who want to fuck can still be "asexual", and why people who eat meat can still be "vegetarian", so long as it's just like once a month or so. :rolleyes:

I know what you're saying, but I think the idea is that there's a level of sexual activity below which it ceases to be a significant part of the relationship. A bit like, if you only ever had one conversation a month with your partner, it wouldn't be unfair to characterise the relationship as one in which you don't talk to each other, even though it's technically not the case.

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iff
2 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

Confused by this as the topic of this thread is what I was commenting on, can you advise how I went wrong here? Sorry, I'm very new to this forum.

The message was in general and not at any one in particular just that the thread seemed to be going off-topic on that page

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Philip027

Yeah, I'm not trying to dismiss it as a potential problem (for the people that must have more than that to feel fulfilled) but I feel like the choice of terminology could have been better >_>

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Telecaster68
9 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Yeah, I'm not trying to dismiss it as a potential problem (for the people that must have more than that to feel fulfilled) but I feel like the choice of terminology could have been better >_>

Those kind of numbers are always arbitrary though. In the UK, there's a widely accepted 'rule' that we should all eat five pieces of fruit or veg a day, generally announced by public health people like it's Proper Science(TM). It's not at all, that was just the number the public health people thought they had some chance of the general population going for - high enough to have some effect, low enough to not be intimidating.

 

Look at it from a sexual's point of view - you have to have a threshold somewhere, or you could have had a uncompleted handjob while your partner read a book once, 40 years ago, and technically... not a sexless marriage. So the point of having a threshold for most sexuals is where it feels like sex was not really part of the way they could factor into interaction with their partner, and hence, it's a problem. Since the Kinsey numbers indicate most couples tend (etc. etc. with the qualifications) to have sex once or twice a month till they're pretty old, ten times seems reasonably to me. Obviously YMMV case by case.

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I have no idea what that is, but will look it up. Thank you for your thoughtful post @anisotrophic.  

Oh, I'm sorry! I'll unpack the "split attraction model" for others, it's one of the first things I learned when learning about asexuality. (Also I have a bit of caution about the attempts to categorize interpersonal attraction, but contained within this model is a true observation that it varies.)

 

Many asexuals also identify as aromantic: they don't feel romantic love for people, their feelings are "friendship".

 

Others identify as experiencing romantic love, but for whatever reason, their experience of love and feelings of intimacy (emotional and physical) don't translate to sexual desire. These are romantic asexuals, and they can be heteroromantic, bi/panromantic, and homoromantic.

 

My (cismale) partner previously identified as bisexual, and now privately identifies as biromantic asexual. (Slightly before this I started to identify as non-binary, I was previously female; I learned about asexuality from my LGBTQIA+ therapist.) We've been together a decade and a half, the changes have been good so far!

 

Also: there are people that identify as aromantic and sexual. (Sexual desire isn't always romantic!) I don't have much experience with this, iirc @AspieAlly613 is one. (It's worth noting that the aro community struggles with questions around "what is romantic attraction" just as the ace community tries to understand sexual attraction.) AVEN has an aromantic subforum I don't pay attention to (I tend to stick to this, relationships, and gender 'cause I'm kind of trans) and there are other non-AVEN places like Arocalypse.

 

It's a prevalent concept in the community, you'll see the these identities in people's orientation they put in profiles. In symbolism sometimes an ace of spades is used to describe an aro ace, and an ace of hearts for a romantic ace.

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Guest
On 7/27/2019 at 10:58 AM, anisotrophic said:

when you say "I heard from sexuals because I heard from my toxic ex that I wasn't attracted to" I'm just hearing you map a nasty relationship with a person that wanted sex to "being sexual". It's the same conflation I feel sexual folks make when they decide their partner who doesn't want sex represents "being asexual" -- but it's their bad/toxic relationship, that's what's going on.

d.

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anisotrophic

@Sea horse some of the people that didn't care much for it are sexual, including me. I've been a bit more constructive about it, I hope, by sharing the split attraction model with folks.

 

Sorry you have to hear from normal people like me 🙄

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Guest
On 7/28/2019 at 12:11 AM, anisotrophic said:

@Sea horse some of the people that didn't care much for it are sexual, including me. I've been a bit more constructive about it, I hope, by sharing the split attraction model with folks.

 

Sorry you have to hear from normal people like me 🙄

.

 

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anisotrophic
2 minutes ago, Sea horse said:

Since I identified as asexual last week I've been reading everything I can on the site.

I've moved from sheer joy at the feeling of acceptance and for the first time in my life reading about experiences that matched my own, to feeling shame about my orientation and self hatred from seeing what a burden I would be/have been.

I have not cried so much for years.

You've been identifying as ace pretty recently, it's going to be a process.

 

I had strong reactions, as a sexual partner in a good & loving relationship. I went on hours long walks to nowhere, I say at the edge of the road and cried. (And I navigate my gender stuff.) I appreciate the discovery and process and emotions. I appreciate that there is relief, there is misery. 

 

I think it's important not to let your process of discovering identity result in a tribal mindset.

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Guest
On 7/28/2019 at 12:26 AM, anisotrophic said:

You've been identifying as ace pretty recently, it's going to be a process.

 

I had strong reactions, as a sexual partner in a good & loving relationship. I went on hours long walks to nowhere, I say at the edge of the road and cried. (And I navigate my gender stuff.) I appreciate the discovery and process and emotions. I appreciate that there is relief, there is misery. 

 

I think it's important not to let your process of discovering identity result in a tribal mindset.

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Telecaster68

You can turn off notifications - click on the purple 'following' button at the top right of the first post of a page, and you can choose to 'unfollow'.

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AspieAlly613
21 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Also: there are people that identify as aromantic and sexual. (Sexual desire isn't always romantic!) I don't have much experience with this, iirc @AspieAlly613 is one.

I don't think that I'm aro, but other people speculate that I am.

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