Jump to content
Traveler40

“Overwhelming Advice”

Recommended Posts

Guest
On 7/26/2019 at 11:08 AM, Serran said:

Studies of sexual couples show that 1-2 times a month is normal for married couples, even in their 60s/70s. If you look up average sex for couples, you can find a few. It has been especially looked into for older couples, as they wanted to help the 50+ crowd end the myth that old people dont have sex (retirement home nurses will tell you how much their patients end up in bed together rather than in their own rooms at night). 

 

When people joke like that, they often mean they have limited intimacy after so long, so arent at it like newlyweds. My coworkers do the same thing - seperate rooms, even, for some. But, they still occasionally have sex and when I mention I dont like PiV at all and thus dont do it, they look at me like I have two heads and go "but married couples do that you know!"

 

"Sexless marriage" is seen as less than 10 times a year, scientifically, not never. And it is considered an issue to be solved, in most cases. 

 

Celibacy is rare among sexuals. And often very difficult. That is why they have support groups and such in churches for people who try to be celibate. 

 

But... as I said in your status, I found the post in this thread a tad gross. It was full of bitter resentment and blame, entitlement to sex from their spouse and if my partner felt that way about sex with me I would pretty much lose all desire for her (despite currently initiating it every other day) and give up having it, cause ew. That sort of attitude honestly would make me more inclined to throw up on a person than sex them up. 

 

But, yeah, lots of sexuals joke about no more sex during marriage. It is an understood joke that generally means "dont do it spontaneously and daily anymore". Or, like my coworker explained it in some detail "when we first got married, we did it in every new room we entered - even on my mom's dining room table. Now, we only share a bed occasionally when he comes to my room from his man room. We are too old and been married too long for that!"

 

Can be confusing for people who genuinely do want sex never. It is part of what confused me so long, to be honest (I didnt find my sexual match til I was 30).  But, they assume everyone is sexual so understands what they are saying. Not many think of ace being a thing.

 

But @Sea horse I am glad you left your ex. Mine was similar, honestly. He wanted me to not work, clean, cook and be available for sex 24/7, even at 3am when he would wake me up by taking my clothes off. I hated it and ended up fantasizing of castrating him while I saved up the money to get away. Not everyone is like that though, even if loss of sex would hurt them. Being hurt about it is valid and quite understandable. Being demanding or forceful about it is never acceptable. 

.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Sea Horse

 

The Kinsey Stats are more than a couple of studies from the 50s and 60s - they're pretty much the biggest most robust set of data on sexual activity there is. As Serran says, there are plenty of other studies showing much the same picture and if anything, people will be more sexually active for longer than 50 years ago, bearing in mind increased health and longevity.

 

I do have a link to the Kinsey summary, but I'm on my phone at the moment and don't have it to hand. I'll post it later.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
2 minutes ago, Sea horse said:

Yep, it is confusing!

 

I'm glad you left your ex too, I can relate to the middle of the night thing, used to lie there scared to turn over because that would wake him up and then he'd just grab me. I left one night with my daughter in her pyjamas getting ready to go to bed, I was lucky I could go to my parent's house, and I managed to get a job and get back on my feet and now we're in our own lovely peaceful home..

Yeah I had my pets and all my stuff shoved into a car, barely had any room left. The car was so old and had no idea if it would make the drive -18 hours and 1200 or so miles to my moms place. Had to borrow money off my brother for gas. Ah, the things we do for peace. 

 

But, despite the grossness of the first post copied from another forum, the sexuals here tend to not be entitled towards their partners. Some can be, a few I have felt bad for their aces, but for the most part they are working to make things work and would feel like rapists to push for sex from someone who isnt into it. So, look around a bit more. Lots of good sharing between everyone can be had, even if occasionally a post happens that leaves a sour taste. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
On 7/26/2019 at 11:43 AM, Serran said:

Yeah I had my pets and all my stuff shoved into a car, barely had any room left. The car was so old and had no idea if it would make the drive -18 hours and 1200 or so miles to my moms place. Had to borrow money off my brother for gas. Ah, the things we do for peace. 

 

But, despite the grossness of the first post copied from another forum, the sexuals here tend to not be entitled towards their partners. Some can be, a few I have felt bad for their aces, but for the most part they are working to make things work and would feel like rapists to push for sex from someone who isnt into it. So, look around a bit more. Lots of good sharing between everyone can be had, even if occasionally a post happens that leaves a sour taste. 

.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer
20 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

If our partners are asexual, then it's still the case that there's something more important to them than their sexual partner's happiness - their own orientation. There's nothing wrong with that, after all sexual partners are loathe to compromise their orientation too, but it does mean that one partner is putting their own, profound, wellbeing over their partner's. 

That was almost self-aware, but dude not having sex isn't that much comparable with doing unwanted sex you know? Having unwanted sex can be humiliating, leave you feeling embarrassed, abused and crying... not having sex is the natural state of anyone who's single.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
16 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

That was almost self-aware, but dude not having sex isn't that much comparable with doing unwanted sex you know? Having unwanted sex can be humiliating, leave you feeling embarrassed, abused and crying... not having sex is the natural state of anyone who's single.

Ok while I disagree with Tele in a lot of cases on sex dynamics within a relationship...

 

He wasnt saying not having sex is comparable with rape or abusive sex. Obviously that is worse. 

 

But not having sex with your partner, not being desired or wanted, is more than "the natural state of anyone single". It is soul crushing rejection that can leave a person depressed, feeling unloved, unattractive, unworthy of their partners affection and just all around worthless. It can utterly destroy someones self esteem and ability to be happy. Because, no matter the reasons, it does feel like rejection of you as a person. Like the one you love doesnt want you because something is wrong with you. It is worse than being dumped, because they still say they want you while you feel like they dont. 

 

Of course, I dont think "putting yourself over a partner" is a bad thing. If you sacrifice yourself and have unwanted sex its awful. So not a good idea. Best thing for both parties when there is such a huge difference is to just agree to split. Either way, one is gonna be hurt. And there is lasting damage on both sides to work through after a relationship like that ends. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer

@Serran Tele starts with stating that asexuals are selfish, and then does a 50-50 it's-the-same-on-both-sides move. So yeah no I stand by what I said, having sex as an asexual (someone who doesn't want sex) is not comparable with not having sex. People go on multi-month/year-long trips away from their partners for various life/career/personal/legal/political/etc. reasons. Yes, not being sexually desired can and will take its emotional tolls and that's bad, but I'm not buying into this false equivalency.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving
2 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

Just an observation: I think we all have a tendency to 'hear' the comments of strangers as if the words are spoken by someone from our own lives; especially if those words trigger a negative reaction. Many of us are in this forum because we have been hurt in a relationship so being triggered is inevitable if we read enough threads. I'm guilty of knee jerk reactionary posts myself and had to have a word with myself recently when it hit me how annoyed I was feeling toward a total stranger because in my head I'd clearly decided he was 'behaving like my husband'.  I love my husband. I wish I didn't love my husband. Strong responses often come from a place of fear and pain, in real life as well as online. The thing is, all of us have as much right to our feelings as any individual who doesn't think those feelings are 'right' in a specific context.  Deciding what another person should or should not feel at any given moment is surely an attempt at the very controlling behaviour complained about.  It's challenging to leave our own baggage at the door and listen without prejudice. Strangers on the internet shouldn't be conflated with the person who caused us to hurt in real life but it happens all the time.

I completely agree, and it’s something I try and stay  cognizant of. That said, the  language in this person’s post is objectively filled with blame, and even as I try to read it on a way that filters my own bias, resentment.

 

I see the value in the actual stripped down content in regards to the individuals journey, but I do still have to take issue with the way it’s worded, at least for an asexual forum.

 

Again, I’m not negating the feelings or content, but I don’t think this is a case of being triggered into hearing someone else’s voice.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
2 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

having sex as an asexual (someone who doesn't want sex) is not comparable with not having sex.

And Tele isnt talking about forced, coerced sex or rape. Or a person who is repulsed and crying during/about the sex. If you read his other posts, they are typically aimed at the partners who just claim sex is chore like or forgotten, not traumatizing. If sex is traumatizing to your partner and you accept it, you arent a very good person. 

 

I disagree with Tele a lot. But, you are generalizing a bit that all aces find sex traumatizing (they dont) and that Tele is talking about the cases that do. 

 

The who has it worse game in a mixed relationship is doomed to failure from the start. 

 

Who has it worse in a relationship where both have been sent into depression and considered suicide over the incompatibility and feeling like its hopeless ? When both know the only way to make the other happy is to be utterly miserable themselves ? Both are in pretty bad positions. And ones posters on both sides from AVEN have been in. I have PMed for hours with both aces who feel that depressed and sexuals that do. 

 

I have given sex I didnt want. For 15 years I had sex I didnt want to please people. I have been rejected by a partner I did want, when I finally felt sexual desire at 30. Both hurt in their own way. I would say they are pretty comparable, tbh. 

 

And I have been forced into sex I didnt want, in a traumatizing way. I can recognize the difference between when I gave it willingly but didnt want it (still sucks, but not traumatizing) and when it was more forced and traumatizing. Traumatizing sex is obviously worse than rejection by a partner. 

 

2 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

 

 

 

People go on multi-month/year-long trips away from their partners for various life/career/personal/legal/political/etc. reasons. Yes, not being sexually desired can and will take its emotional tolls and that's bad, but I'm not buying into this false equivalency.

You do realize when people go on month / year long vacations they are still sexual with their partners, right ? Cybering, phone sex, flirtations, saying I cant wait til I see you again and can rip your clothes off for real, private pictures... its still a sexual relationship. Im away from my partner for 1-6 months at a time, due to waiting on a green card. Sexual rejection can still happen, but in general, we have lots of ways to LDR fulfill our sexual desires for each other. It isnt as if they go platonic due to distance. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40
4 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I see the value in the actual stripped down content in regards to the individuals journey, but I do still have to take issue with the way it’s worded, at least for an asexual forum.

100% correct and my bad judgment.  I apologize. 

 

The key is “asexual forum”.  I was really only thinking from the viewpoint of a sexual woman in a sexless marriage, however obtuse that is given this venue and general audience. That poster’s words hold true for me generally, I identified strongly with them and can report that the damage is inescapable in that kind of long term scenario.  I don’t really “hang” at ILIASM and don’t feel the heavy atmosphere as one I’d like to participate in.  Here, it’s different if not a bit argumentative at times.

 

I spend time on AVEN as it has been so instrumental in my life for which I’m grateful. It is never a goal of mine to anger or hurt anyone, but to understand, help and especially hear other sexuals wandering in here having found this site after years or decades of confusion and hurt as I did 2 years ago.

 

There’s no escaping that my experience, my orientation and my history is that of a high libido sexual woman in union with a wonderful, yet likely asexual man.  His viewpoint and life experience is valid, and so is mine.  We do our best to try and make our relationship work in a healthy, committed and supportive way.  We married each other for a reason. Our kids are the focus and, currently, the main glue. 

 

It’s a work in progress. 

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
13 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

100% correct and my bad judgment.  I apologize. 

 

The key is “asexual forum”.  I was really only thinking from the viewpoint of a sexual woman in a sexless marriage, however obtuse that is given this Venue and general audience. That posters words hold true for me generally, I identified strongly with them and can report that the damage is inescapable in that kind of long term scenario.  I don’t really “hang” at ILIASM and don’t feel the heavy atmosphere as one I’d like to participate in.  Here, it’s different if not a bit argumentative at times.

 

i spend time on AVEN as it has been so instrumental in my life. It is never a goal of mine to anger or hurt anyone, but to understand, help and especially hear other sexuals wandering in here having found this site after years or decades of confusion and hurt as I did 2 years ago.

 

There’s no escaping that my experience, my orientation and my history is that of a high libido sexual woman in union with a wonderful, yet likely asexual man.  His viewpoint and life experience is valid, and so is mine.  We do our best to try and make our relationship work in a healthy, committed and supportive way.  We married each other for a reason. Our kids are the focus and, currently, the main glue. 

 

It’s a work in progress. 

 

 

I'd never want to deny anyone a valuable support in life, but one thing I have wondered - where do the aces go for support when their spouses are on this forum?

 

I noticed you said you 'didn't want to upset the masses' when you originally posted this, but it's not really the masses - it's a small percentage of the 1% of the population who doesn't really have anywhere else to go to talk about this stuff. I do agree everyone's viewpoint and feelings are valid, but it makes me wonder if maybe there should be a site where asexuals can have a break from the sexual viewpoint and from hearing about sexual urges...Just for a brief respite...

 

Maybe there is such a place. I might do some more googling. Or set one up. My own utopia. 

 

I genuinely wish you well and I hope I haven't upset you with this post. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer

I didn't say all asexuals find sex traumatizing @Serran. I said all asexuals nonetheless never want sex. Sometimes having sex won't be too much of a big deal, other times it will be. Either way it's not something we ever really want to do. But as Sally said, it's our bodily autonomy and that takes precedent over someone else wanting to do something with it. I'm not repulsed and none of the sex I have had were without consent, yet I still have felt varying degrees of a negative emotion usually at the end, and despite being a man who can't cry because of toxic masculinity still have cried a couple of times in the bathroom on my own.

 

But really, this isn't about who has it worse. Every relationship is different and unique, there's no one size fits all judgement. This is about what someone can do about their relationship. An asexual can't do much, there's no point in blaming them. Even when we do have sex (you know something we're doing not for our own sake but because we want to show that we care about the sexuals' needs) we're still vilified because we're not "doing it right" or we're not doing it with desire. The goalposts shift from not having sex to feeling attraction. A sexless marriage in which the two partners are sexual has very different dynamics than when one is asexual, and "damn these selfish asexuals" is a a viewpoint I feel that's rooted in treating them the same as a sexless marriage between sexuals. It's unhealthy and unnecessary and anyone who does this should knock it off.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40
11 minutes ago, Sea horse said:

where do the aces go for support when their spouses are on this forum?

Well, I’d start with other parts of this forum

perhaps. That’s where you’ll find a majority of viewpoints and experiences that align more closely with what you seek.

 

This is specifically the sexual partner sub-forum on AVEN so you’ll sometimes find a more concentrated view in this section opposite to what you’re looking for.

 

Thanks for your understanding.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
2 hours ago, Winged Whisperer said:

That was almost self-aware, but dude not having sex isn't that much comparable with doing unwanted sex you know? Having unwanted sex can be humiliating, leave you feeling embarrassed, abused and crying... not having sex is the natural state of anyone who's single.

"Unwanted sex" covers a lot of ground from a lack of interest, to rape so the effect varies.

 

There is also a variation for lack of sex.  Often the issue is not "lack of sex" but "lack of sex with the person you love".   For people who don't feel this way, its difficult to understand, but for many its similar to, but worse than, having your partner say "I don't love you".  At the same time since you are in a long term relationship, you can't look elsewhere.  It easy to feel trapped by your own promises.  Cheated out of a vital part of life, as you watch the years go by. Forced to live celibate, or to break a solemn oath.

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SusannaC
17 minutes ago, uhtred said:

"Unwanted sex" covers a lot of ground from a lack of interest, to rape so the effect varies.

 

There is also a variation for lack of sex.  Often the issue is not "lack of sex" but "lack of sex with the person you love".   For people who don't feel this way, its difficult to understand, but for many its similar to, but worse than, having your partner say "I don't love you".  At the same time since you are in a long term relationship, you can't look elsewhere.  It easy to feel trapped by your own promises.  Cheated out of a vital part of life, as you watch the years go by. Forced to live celibate, or to break a solemn oath.

 

 

Yes, yes. Thank you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

To echo what's already been said (sort of), but as a still-mostly-female-for-now someone whose male partner identifies as asexual...

 

This story didn't resonate with me. Realizing my partner couldn't, never wanted me in this way was gut wrenching. But when I cry, he holds me. And it helps so much, because what hurts is that instinctive sense that I'm not loved, but I am, I have intimacy and trust.

 

And that might be why it was never sexless for me. He was doing something for me because he sensed -- not explicitly, but -- he cared about my own needs and wanted me to be happy.

 

As tele & others point out, asexuality isn't the main/only cause of sexlessness. When there's also emotional distance, a loss of intimacy & feeling loved, that's awful.

 

I think it's different. I think they can both be true at once. But asexuality isn't an inability to be intimate and loving.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Winged whisperer, it's probably best I don't respond as you as you seem to have comprehension problems with what I'm saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
22 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

 

 

As tele & others point out, asexuality isn't the main/only cause of sexlessness. When there's also emotional distance, a loss of intimacy & feeling loved, that's awful.

 

I think it's different. I think they can both be true at once. But asexuality isn't an inability to be intimate and loving.

Quite honestly, a lot of the reasons for sexlessness dont mean not intimate and loving. Not just asexuality. 

 

Its kind of like... you know my issues with my marriage right now (aniso PMed me, I havent posted it publicly as my partner is an AVENite and seems rude). I went to a support group thing for it on reddit. The partners there were so bitter and so angry I ended up having to leave. All I got was "oh they will do this or that and its all about manipulating and blaming you..." and I am just like... no? More like I got held and told it wasnt my fault. The bitterness and anger present when the partner just isnt caring at all, or the relationship is bad overall, just isnt that helpful when it doesnt match your own situation. I ended up leaving the group saying thanks for the posts, but the negativity in this group doesnt seem conducive to actually working on my marriage. I ended up showing my wife their posts and saying I dont agree with them and I never want to feel that bitter, so Im not going down that road. I guess it helped in one way... made me thankful my partner wasnt like they describe their own. 

 

The post in the OP feels like that. That bitter resentment and anger is so obvious. I know why it has ruffled feathers. Much the same as the "support group" I went to ended up more ruffling my feathers than helping. 

 

And since this is an asexual site, such a thing will ruffle feathers even more. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
33 minutes ago, Serran said:

The bitterness and anger present when the partner just isnt caring at all, or the relationship is bad overall, just isnt that helpful when it doesnt match your own situation.

 

This is a really solid general observation.

 

I tried looking at ILIASM at one point and it was pretty upsetting stuff. Ruffled my feathers, didn't match my situation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
3 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

 

This is a really solid general observation.

 

I tried looking at ILIASM at one point and it was pretty upsetting stuff. Ruffled my feathers, didn't match my situation.

Made you just feel defensive of your partner rather than helping ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

ILIASM is for any partner in a relationship where their other half doesn't want to have sex, not just asexuals who don't, and actually asexuality is probably the least likely reason for someone in a relationship not wanting to have sex. Relationship problems are far commoner, and on top of that, what really winds up sex-deprived partners is the refusal to communicate or compromise that can go along with those problems.

 

Many, though definitely not all, asexuals on AVEN do at least try to compromise and talk, and the really confusing difference (for sexuals) is that they're not ill, or stressed, or having trouble with the relationship. They just don't want sex It's a markedly different situation, generally, when it comes to motivations - however, regardless of motivations, the effects are similar, particularly if there's no communication (like when the asexual just finds it all too stressful to talk about beyond a brief infodump about asexuality).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Interestingly, I don’t connect much at ILIASM either as it’s very doom and gloom and doesn’t match my situation well generally.  Likewise, I don’t think I harbor bitterness or deep seated resentment, yet identify with her post deeply.  Perhaps it’s that I went through those stages (with the exception of having a controlling partner) and came to many of the same conclusions over almost a decade and half.  It was condensed into a form I understood.

 

Perhaps, as Anisotropic states, it’s due to the intrinsic lack of intimacy.  When you have zero support, understanding, or dedication to truly form a better partnership as one partner’s needs are already met and the other is left hanging in total, you feel deserted.  You know you’re loved, but you’re never shown that in a way you need to feel whole.  It’s hurtful, and there’s not much you can do about it.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally
6 hours ago, Sea horse said:

After discovering that I was asexual four days ago now, I was so excited to think I'd found somewhere safe to discuss things from the viewpoint of someone who doesn't want sex. Immediately an allosexual was correcting my understanding of situations. But I already know what an allosexual would say, I hear what they say all the time irl, I haven't come to this site for that viewpoint but for something different. So I guess I'm just really disappointed that this website is not the safe space I thought it was. 

 

You are right, I have too much baggage to be here and all of this is just very triggering. 

All  of us have "baggage", if by that you mean that we are hurting or have been hurt by some situation in our life.  Even very young AVEN members -- we are composed of people anywhere from 13 to however old our oldest member is -- come here because we need to talk with each other.  But although our TOS is designed to protect members from outright verbal abuse (more so than other sites), we are not a "safe space" in the sense that only asexuals are allowed.  One of the best things about AVEN is that we are able to hear the perspectives of all sorts of members, and that includes sexuals (and that's the term they seem to prefer).  

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Made you just feel defensive of your partner rather than helping ?

For me mainly really hard to understand when I'm feeling like "can't you just talk about it?" and weirded out by the angry language (sometimes sounding like entitlement)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay
4 hours ago, Sea horse said:

I'd never want to deny anyone a valuable support in life, but one thing I have wondered - where do the aces go for support when their spouses are on this forum?

 

Not all aces feel the need to have discussions here. I had to beg my husband to read some of the threads on AVEN. He said he identified with a lot of the details on asexuality "but most people would wouldn't they?" He says he's just never going to be someone who is into "that online stuff".  I can't confide in anyone in real life so, I come here to the section for sexual partners instead. I too have considered setting up a group exclusively for 'us lot'. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
5 hours ago, Sea horse said:

I'd never want to deny anyone a valuable support in life, but one thing I have wondered - where do the aces go for support when their spouses are on this forum?

My spouse occasionally reads and at one point did make an account to ask a question. Another time he felt so strongly I handed him my keyboard and he typed for me 😂

 

I don't think the forum is ideal support for negotiating coming out as a different orientation in a marriage. (Nor uh sex changes, haha.) We both benefited greatly from talking to LGBTQIA+ therapists (different one each).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Interestingly, I don’t connect much at ILIASM either as it’s very doom and gloom and doesn’t match my situation well generally.  Likewise, I don’t think I harbor bitterness or deep seated resentment, yet identify with her post deeply.  Perhaps it’s that I went through those stages (with the exception of having a controlling partner) and came to many of the same conclusions over almost a decade and half.  It was condensed into a form I understood.

 

Perhaps, as Anisotropic states, it’s due to the intrinsic lack of intimacy.  When you have zero support, understanding, or dedication to truly form a better partnership as one partner’s needs are already met and the other is left hanging in total, you feel deserted.  You know you’re loved, but you’re never shown that in a way you need to feel whole.  It’s hurtful, and there’s not much you can do about it.

It really depends on who is on ILIASM during any given day. There are all sorts over there and I've been glad of the change when AVEN becomes too depressing for me.  There is a forum called 'Choosing to Stay' and also I confess the 'Sexually Speaking' thread has been informative to this very inexperienced sexual wife. What I find is people vent a lot and get things off their chests that they just would not be able to say in any other company so, if that helps them, fine.  It took me nearly 30 years to get my husband to have an honest talk with me so I can't judge anyone else. I think how we have all reacted to that long post has a lot to do with perspective. If I was to read it again another time I might focus more on the resentment but the first time I saw it, what I recognised above all else was her pain and hopelessness. That is probably what is most familiar to me personally. Possibly because in my case there has to date been the zero support you describe.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40
1 hour ago, TimeDelay said:

 There is a forum called 'Choosing to Stay' and also I confess the 'Sexually Speaking' thread has been informative to this very inexperienced sexual wife

Having read through only a few folders, my impression was general and by no means complete.  However, ‘Sexually Speaking’ sounds right up my alley, so will check it out, thanks! It’s likely you were the original poster that turned me onto that site by mentioning it here.

 

Separately, I had never experienced much of anything beyond....🤔....basics until I met my lover, even though I’d read about almost everything.  I still get shocked sometimes too, but consider that a good thing. Here’s to always expanding the knowledge base! 👍🏻😬😂

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TimeDelay

@Traveler40 I'll second that! 😀

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
9 hours ago, Sally said:

All  of us have "baggage", if by that you mean that we are hurting or have been hurt by some situation in our life.  Even very young AVEN members -- we are composed of people anywhere from 13 to however old our oldest member is -- come here because we need to talk with each other.  But although our TOS is designed to protect members from outright verbal abuse (more so than other sites), we are not a "safe space" in the sense that only asexuals are allowed.  One of the best things about AVEN is that we are able to hear the perspectives of all sorts of members, and that includes sexuals (and that's the term they seem to prefer).  

I know, I mean that's fine it's just I can hear the views of sexuals aka normal people  all the time...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...