Wife’s feelings

[SexlessCdn]

I’m not one to apply labels to others.  I’m here seeking information and understanding and through this I hope to better react to my current situation.

 

My wife of 10 years (30 year relationship). Had a full hysterectomy 35 years ago that left her with just one ovary.  Her interest in sex was very frequent when we first met.  I would describe our sex life then as the envy of most people including myself. It was frequent, exciting, romantic and fulfilling.  

 

In the last 20 years it has had its highs and lows but we were together always.  Recently there’s been more lows than highs.  The last 5 years our sex life has been basically non existent.  I read that the definition of a sexless marriage is one where sex occurs less than ten times a year, oh what I would give to have sex ten times a year. She has little desire and no need for a sexual relationship.  To the point where we went over two years with zero sexual relations. 

 

Her health has been good until recently when she experienced migraines from high blood pressure. We found out that she was well into a menopausal state through tests that were done when they were trying to figure out why she was having migraines. Thankfully those are under control now. 

 

I love her but it’s hard when I have desires and feelings and she has none.  

 

Looking for more insight to better understand a state of feeling no sexual desire.

[AceMissBehaving]

These forums have a lot of different experiences on not feeling sexual desire. 

 

It’s kind of hard to explain what it’s like to feel an absence of something. I’d say for me at least I feel every other feeling towards my partner that sexual people do,  it’s just those feelings don’t lead me to think about sex.

 

The result is I still want intimacy, I still feel love, I just share and show that in different ways.

[Guest]

Hmm. 

 

You say full hysterectomy, but one ovary - in a full they take everything. Did the one ovary leave her enough hormone production ? Or is she on estrogen? Does she have her hormones regularly checked to be sure the levels are healthy ? 

 

Have you talked to her about why her drive was high in her younger years but doesnt exist now ? Did she just have NRE, or do it for you, or was she honestly into it ? 

 

Does she still have a libdio, just no drive for partnered ? Or it all died out over the years?

 

It is possible, if she was fully into it when you guys were younger, that all the changes to her body have simply killed libido. Which, sometimes happens. Which is a little different from a life long disinterest. And will bring a different perspective / experience to it. 

 

Does she miss that part of your lives, or is she happy now ? 

 

I was not interested until I was 30 years old. Then I met my now spouse (one bad marriage and 3 other relationships later where I forced myself to have sex). Now, I am. But, honestly, it doesnt feel much different. The only main difference is when we get really close (emotionally, physically) at times I want to be sexual. Otherwise, it feels much the same. I am closer to my spouse now, but that is how we are together (talking, supporting, etc not about sex). 

 

So... the state of no desire is basically everything you feel now, but stop it just before you want sex. It honestly is that simple. All the same romantic rushy feels can exist without sexual desire (though, those tend to lessen with time together anyway). And you can still find your partner attractive in every other way.