Self confidence issues and asexuality

[JGriz22]

Hello, quick introductions, I’m Jake! I’m 18 almost 19 and I’m in college as well as an amateur photographer. I’ve never posted on any forum before so bare with me:

 

(I might think of details later that I think should be included but if I can’t edit the post then I’ll make a follow up post)

 

I sort of knew I was asexual or something along on the lines of it when I started either my first or second year of high school. I wasn’t entirely popular, but I did hang out with a lot of the “cooler” kids due to the clubs and opportunities I was involved in. Everyone was very intimate with relationships at my high school but not I. Even to this day, I’ve never had sex or kissed anyone yet (in a romantic way). I get criticized for being a “romantic virgin” as I’ve been told and it sucks. I was even asked by my best friend if I was gay in front of a few of my other friends. He has never really thought of his words before he says it but that... that hit me hard. Says the guy who has taken girls’ v-cards and lost his at church camp. By the way I am definitely into girls, no questions asked. 

 

Now getting into my journey into the research and partial decision behind asexuality: From many websites and forum-based pages like this one, I was afraid of thinking I was another sexuality. I don’t really know why. My family is very accepting to the LBGTQ+ community as friends and family have come out as gay/lesbian and some have gotten married since. In high school, I privately threw that word around my head not really thinking to much into it but after my first semester of college ended, it was an experience let me tell you. Now my college is small to medium sized, with a female to male ratio of 60% (F) to 40% (M). Seems like a prime opportunity to get to know people, maybe start a relationship and experiment to see if maybe I am. Experiences help make further decisions I reminded myself often but in terms of asking a girl out, I get into full social anxiety mode. Yeah I got friend zoned a few times over the semester but those failed attempts turned into great friendships. 

 

I’ve never really been one to want/need sex from a relationship. I would much rather ease into that once a stable connection has been made. I don’t fully refrain from sexual pleasure though, I still do that once in awhile. I am afraid of sex. I know it sounds weird but the motions and the process is something I cannot see my self doing. I’ve watched Sex Education on Netflix about twice now and I really resonate with Otis on that show. The first 30 seconds of the first episode is a sex scene which in itself doesn’t look pleasing or appealing to me. While I sometimes get aroused, it’s more of an attractiveness vibe than a sexual one if that makes sense. I’m not trying to say I don’t want to have sex one day, but I just don’t feel ready for it. 

 

While that may be okay, another reason if my self-image/ body confidence issues. I am 6 feet 6 inches tall and am still on that end range of puberty. I don’t have much facial hair and I also have gynecomastia or basically where you have man-boobs. I hate that word so much, I’d rather use the first term but to save you a google search, there it is. My father stopped puberty when he was 21 so there is still some time for them to shrink back down or they may be like this. Not only is it not attractive I also tend to wear heavier clothes around the spring time to avoid the ‘jiggle’ with t-shirts or even at the beach. 

 

I consider myself to be pretty out of shape as well. I’m not overweight, but I have struggled with shortness of breath on hikes and I have chronic joint pain in my wrists and ankles at such a young age as well as poor posture. 

 

So many things I wish I could go back and fix about myself but I have to live with them either way. I have so much to live up to and have been trying to lead a more relaxed, no worry lifestyle but everything always seems to come back either way. Any words or advice would help. 

 

(If the grammar isn’t proper I’m sorry. I’m writing this at midnight and I’m exhausted)

[Comrade Kitty]

Well, the sex thing is completely normal in ace people. That is for sure, so you can stand in that. But the self-confidence thing will take longer to work on. It might require therapy to help your view of yourself improve. I can tell you that you are beautiful inside and out. I hope you know that. Try to find a friend that you can confidently tell about these things, someone that doesn't mind listening to a rant, or your deepest secrets. That's all I can say, I hope it helps.

[coelacanthiformes]

Hi Jake! I also struggle with self-confidence issues, and I think it's important for you to know that at AVEN, you are not alone. There are forums for basically everything. I only joined recently and it's been so awesome. When you said your condition makes you unattractive, I know a lot of people struggle with their body-image, but as @AuraKitty said, you're cool just the way you are. If your "man-boobs" affect how people look at you, remember that there's more to people than their appearance. Sure, people might judge you on the outside (that's just how humans are) but it doesn't define your personality. People who can't get past your outside looks aren't worth worrying about.

If you're still feeling bad about your body, try using a binder. Some boys who are transgender use them; it might work for you. But remember that your personality comes first.

By the way, here's a cake to welcome you to AVEN! Background info about cake: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Cake?title=Cake