No Sex for months...Yet he watch porn for self-pleasure

[inmourning]

This is my first post so forgive me if this has been covered in the past. I am a 47 year old sexual, very attractive woman in a relationship for the past five years with a man who seems to have no libido, beyond pleasing himself. When we met we were completely into each other sexually and I am grieving his lack of desire for intimacy. Ours is a sad story, much like others I have read on this board. In retrospect sex together often seemed one-sided... him receiving BJ's (lucky for him, I enjoy giving), yet he did not recipricate and often it would be "oops, I will take care of you next time"..... months and months would go by.

We separated and reunited, and with the reunion sex was incredible once again.... only short lived. As soon as he moved back in it has waned. I know he uses porn on his p.c. He hides this very much this time around, so I am guestimating the frequency, perhaps 2 - 3 x month. When we reunited, I reiterated to him my worries about the lack of sex, and he confessed he did not know WHY, that he cannot explain his lack of desire for me. He makes statements that maybe it is that the newness of our relationship is over, that he has conquered, won and is no longer driven. He promised he would try harder, yada, yada, yada. We became engaged 9 months ago... have not had intimacy since! This week has been Hell. I am cursed to love him as much as I do. I have NO desire for any other. I am drawn to him like a magnet, he is a huge part of my life, and I have been committed to him from the beginning. BUT, I told him I will not live my life without intimacy, as it is too painful. I have given up trying to seduce him, as he tells me it is a turn off. He does not want to talk about SEX. You all know the story, as it is undoutedly your story. The long and the short of it is: Do I continue in this relationship, marry him, knowing he is sexually unavailable? He tells me he is here for the duration, he loves me, wants a future together..... its crazy.

DOES HE SOUND LIKE HE IS AN ASEXUAL OR IS HE A SEXUAL ANOREXIC OR IS HE JUST ADDICTED TO PORN? I had never heard the term asexual until recently. I am going to show him this site and see what he thinks, but it is so hard to talk to him about this with him. It always ends in a loud, ugly argument with accusations flying around, (he typically blames ME). I just wanted some input from others.

Please forgive the long post. P.S.: He has never been married. Imagine that.

[Brodertun]

I have absolutely no desire to engage in sex, but i do "please" myself.

SOmetimes I also look at porn, but I know i'm not making the "sexual" connection that most people do, or if I do it is only a fleeting one.

[Apophyllite]

If he really did desire sex before, then it probably isn't an asexual thing...

From what I've heard, porn can definitely be addictive, and people who look at it sometimes use it as a replacement for real sex and neglect their sexual partner because of it, so that's a possibility. You also said that when you did have sex, it was one-sided and he would never reciprocate. That's really selfish, and makes it not that surprising that he uses porn- it's a quick and easy way to meet his needs and desires, and he doesn't have to think about any one but himself.

I know you love him, and this must be really hard for you, but if he doesn't care enough to at least try to come to an understanding or compromise, then it sounds like he's really not worth it. If intimacy is really important to you, then you should be with someone who can give that to you.

[Brodertun]

I'd just like to add - when I was with my guy, I did iniate sex several of the time - though i really had no idea why what i was doing iniated it, and most of the time I'd have been happier had it not progressed that way.

And when we did do it, he did most things. It wasn't out of selficious, but i just wasn't comfortable with doing a lot of sexual things, though i didn't mind so much as him doing them to me

[Manathane]

No one has mentioned this, but if you want to find out if he is asexual and whether the relationship is worth pursuing, then the most important thing is to talk to him about your concerns directly...

[fern]

This must be so difficult, especially in light of being engaged to this person. That raises the stakes. I was engaged once and had to make the incredibly painful decision to call it off, so I know a little of what you're feeling.

In one way, though, having the issue of marriage on the table can sometimes help two people to finally pin-point their basics needs, and then be honest about them with their partner.

I hope he does come to this site and that it helps the two of you to have an open and honest dialogue about the sex issue in your relationship. I think regardless of why he isn't showing sexual interest in you, it is vital that you and he can discuss it without resorting to blame and yelling. Not being one for sex, I find communication to be the most fundamental element in a relationship.

I wish you both the best.

[MaraKarina]

Your situation doesn't sound ideal, and as you said many of us have similar stories, some discovered and separated, others are (still) hanging in there. I have not come across a sexual who was really happy with the situation. It's usually that we dearly love our asexuals - honestly, I believe it doesn't matter WHY there's no sex!, it does make a difference, however, if the person clearly does his/her part to understand you and meet your needs so it's not a one-sided matter - and that we are to give up a part which is both a vital element of our lives and unique for a romantic/marriage relationship.

Don't know what to tell you, you've got to decide which way you prefer to go. From all I've read, unless he doesn't want sex until you are married for religious reasons, it is unlikely it will change or improve after marriage. But it will be more difficult for you to separate.

[KAGU143]

..... and that we are to give up a part which is both a vital element of our lives and unique for a romantic/marriage relationship.

In the case of compromise between a sexual and an asexual, BOTH people are giving up a part which is a vital element of their lives, and which seems (to them) to be unique for a romantic/marriage relationship.

Disregarding the purely physical aspects (which can be dealt with in many ways,) both parties often end up feeling unloved and unappreciated because they have such drastically different ways of showing and expressing love and intimacy. They can both end up feeling that they just AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH, no matter what they do.

Inmourning, all I can say is to count the cost, and realize that he isn't going to change. If your different sexual needs are already a factor then that signals a very big problem, because they are likely to become even more different with time.

-Greybird

[vikingo]

He is the person who may be able to tell wether he is asexual, and you are the person to decide if you want to marry him.

If he does not want to talk about (a)sex(uality) I would think that you may be facing two kinds of troubles: sexual incompatibility and (probably the worst) he seeemingly finding you insufficiently trustworthy for discussing that topic.

I can't say what he sounds like, but when you have won his confidence try to find out what he is at. Could be a taste of his own that you could take part in - could also be a taste of his own that you definitely do not want to take part in.

I propose getting that straightened out before considering marriage.

[inmourning]

I realize that only I can make the decision to continue or to end this. He does not GET IT... he does not understand how depressed this is making me. I am normally an optimistic free spirit, but he is squelching me, this torment I have is so draining. (I recently started taking SAM-E, in hopes to boost my mental state).

It is all such a mess. I have confided in my sister and a few close friends, which I now regret, as they just see him as a monster now.... no man goes for 18+ months without wanting sex. It feels like a bad joke, and the laugh is on me.

I am in a limbo. My heart is aching, my mind is numb. He minimizes my craving for him, God, it hurts to see his sexy hairy masculine self.... such a waste of a beautiful man. We had such exquisite fun together, which he says just goes in cycles. He says it will come back again. Hmmm. He is asexual or just a lazy lover?

Alexyvith... read my original post again, you seem to glossed over the sentences that state he and I have communicated.

Vikingo.... he knows I would willingly participate in anything he needed (which I have), because there IS trust there.

He is a calculating, selfish, cold, unempathic creature who is blessed that I love him so. But I am cursed.

[thylacine]

I dunno, Inmourning, it kinda sounds to me like he's addicted to porn. Most asexuals that I know from around here say they were asexual their whole life pretty much. Maybe he's just lazy.

[ghosts]

Is looking at porn 2-3 times a month really an addiction...? :? (honest question!)

inmourning- if he is all those things you say he is, then I think it would be best to not just end the relationship, but to get him out of your life ASAP. Someone who is calculating, cold, selfish, and unempathatic doesn't seem like someone anyone should have in their life at all...

[Apophyllite]

Is looking at porn 2-3 times a month really an addiction...? :? (honest question!)

2-3 times a month doesn't really sound like that much..but if it has such a negative affect on the person that he/she is no longer capable of having relationships with actual people, then I would say it's a problem.

[ghosts]

I agree about that if that's what the porn is doing, but I have my doubts that the problems with him are because of porn...

[MaraKarina]

I have confided in my sister and a few close friends, which I now regret, as they just see him as a monster now.... no man goes for 18+ months without wanting sex. It feels like a bad joke, and the laugh is on me.

It's good that you confided in them - even if they don't show the compassion you deserve. Because hiding it may eat you up, in addition to the turmoil you are already experiencing. Many, many people don't know that such a thing as 18+ months - for my husband it's been 8+ years ... - without sex is even possible and it's their lack of knowledge which makes them make these comments. Not what you really need though, I know.

Regarding the symptoms you show: it is very, very common for partners of asexuals (or persons who refuse sex for other reasons), many of us have suffered or are suffering from various degrees of depression, many take anti-depressants, many are overweight, some to the extent that it shows on their health with diabetes etc., and a range of other phychological problems such as fading self-worth, strength, disappeared joy in life, etc.

In other words, this may appear as a "mere physical" thing, but it is not, it is a problem that affects your whole personality. You have a huge problem now, and that problem will not get less. I know, it's painful to make a decision, but you are not yet married. Others found out after they had been married, have kids .... Obviously that doesn't make a decision easier.

I know the feeling of waiting for things to change, especially if things were really great in the beginning (with my husband it was perfect for over a year!) and we crave for explanations like "I'm a little busy at the moment, just stop pushing me so that I can develop a desire ..., I've got stomach problems lately" or hints at how we can "do" something ourselves to improve the situation.

Obviously, couples where things changed enough for them to manage fairly well will not land on this websites. Here you'll meet those people where things did not change. Which means there is no information whatever regarding chances that it may turn into this or the other direction. But usually problems which do show up before marriage - and engagement time is the time to find out about such things, a trial time to see whether this person is in fact the right one for marriage or not - don't go away afterwards.

I know it's so difficult to separate from a person you love, but many sexuals married to asexuals feel they may not be able to continue their marriage long-term in spite of their love for their spouses.

[vikingo]

... no man goes for 18+ months without wanting sex ...

Some seemingly do - but does he ? Something must go on inside him when he is watching films or whatever the media is. If you can convince him for the love of yours to to see a specialist of some kind together with you or on his own then reconsider. If he is not readily open to that I - in your shoes - would move on to something/someone else.

[Chiaroscuro]

He is a calculating, selfish, cold, unempathic creature who is blessed that I love him so. But I am cursed

I don't know the specifics of course, inmourning, but he may not be those things. I'm in the same boat as Marakarina, married to a lovely woman who is indifferent to sex (on a good day, on a bad day sex is aversive). I have felt angry, hurt, betrayed, misunderstood, much as you have. But I've come to understand, with time, that it's not about choosing. My wife loves me, but for her sex is a non-issue. It's more than a non-issue, it's something that, for her, drives a wedge between us.

Sex helps me feel wanted, desired, intimate, close to my wife. It has the opposite effect for her. It makes her feel uncomfortable and scared. It makes her want to pull away from me.

Asexuality is as implacable as homosexuality, I'm coming to believe, wired on some level deep enough to be unconscious. So it's not about choice. Asking an asexual to have sex is as bizarre to them as asking someone to eat meat if they're a vegetarian, or to go skydiving if they're afraid of heights. It's nobody's fault (and that's really hard to come to terms with, I know). It's not your fault, but it's probably not his either.

Think very long and hard about marriage. Seriously. I know you love him desperately, but this is something that will haunt you if you find you can't come to terms with it. And as Mara says, there can be wellness issues too in the long term.

-Chiaroscuro