Guest Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 This is just honestly me writing down my experiences. I've had 1 crush in my 19 years. I knew him for several years but even when we both felt the same I pushed him away because it wasn't what I was looking for. Not to mention when I figured out I had it after several months of denial, I was immediately frigid because I hated the idea of it. I had a girlfriend for nearly two years (this was before him), she was also someone I had known previously for a year. This relationship was online though and I never met her face to face, I can't help but wonder if this affected my feelings for her. Perhaps it could have been best described as a QPR. I never did really dream much of her other than us living together and her filling our house with art. Cuddling was something I rarely imagined as well. Kissing wasn't really on the table, and while I enjoyed talking about sex and flirting with her, that wasn't really something I imagine I would have done. I felt my love for her lied between platonic and romantic. Which is sad, because I suppose I always hoped to be biromantic, but my romantic (and deviously sexual) fantasies involved mostly if not solely male characters. I'm likely demi as I've never really desired sex with real people and the one I did have a crush on was more of a could be rather than a this is attraction. As for my opinion and being single, it's like the default setting. I would enjoy a relationship but it's never been something I actively desire. My opinion tends to range from meh to slightly negative, or I just find them too complicated. I've always just prefer fictional characters and whatnot for romance and sex. My anti-socialness plays a big part into this into this as well, I dislike how hormones subdue my independence even if it's just slightly. I imagine once the honeymoon phase ends I would probably go several days without wanting to be around them. As for long-term things... when I was in a QPR I didn't want to to lose my gf obviously, but I'm not sure if I wanted to spend my life with her (I was also a kid too so this probably has an effect). I still wanted her to "be mine" and I still was a little hissy over other girls possibly being interested in her. Still my point is, that when I'm not in a relationship I can't really imagine myself in a long-term relationship. To me their something that comes and goes. I'm easily fulfilled by a close friendship and probably would just want a long-term roommate that I can laugh and drink with. Those sound a lot more fun. Perhaps I am grey-romantic with some demi tendencies, but with the utter obsession with labels on AVEN I shy away from the constant boxing. Anyone relate? Also the aro and ace spec doesn't exist, those are just the lack. It's just a spectrum of sexuality and romance. ; P (who doesn't want a little controversy with self-reflection?) Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Okay so! I think in some ways I used to be able to relate to that - when I was about your age, actually. That’s when I identified as grey. (Like you, I’m skeptical of neat little boxes now.) I’m just gonna throw stuff out there. Take it with at least one grain of salt since I can’t peek inside your mind and I’m using myself as examples. I couldn't imagine myself in any relationship at one point. Not because I didn’t want one, I just... couldn’t imagine it. I’ve come to realize that this had a lot more to do with how I felt about myself (self-loathing and discomfort with my body) than how I felt about others. It’s difficult to connect deeply with someone when you feel broken. A long term roommate that you can drink (or just have fun) and laugh with is the very foundation of a good romantic relationship. Whether you want a close friendship or a romantic partner... look for someone who can do that with you - someone who makes you feel like you’re alone without being lonely when you’re with them. (Feeling so comfortable it’s the same as being alone is basically true love.) If I were to pick a label to describe myself, I say heterosexual. That said... I don’t super enjoy kissing. It’s just not my thing I guess. That doesn’t mean I don’t like sensual stuff though. And I can’t purposely flirt to save my life. So not liking or being great at either is not defining. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to just one gender. I personally would have nothing against being in a relationship with a woman... it just wouldn’t work without attraction/desire and I’ve never experienced that with another woman. That makes me straight. Unless something changes in the future. It’s just who you are. You can’t pick who you fall for. (That is a mistake many of us have made! Don’t try that at home, kids.) If you want to be romantic and/or sexual with multiple genders... cool, you do you. If not... still just as cool. We unfortunately don’t get to choose how our minds and bodies react to other people. That’s just how we’re born and there’s no shame in being human. I never imagined cuddling until I met someone I wanted to cuddle. (Though I’m still not a super cuddly person.) I thought it’d be like having an octopus wrapped around you. It kinda is, but the octopus smells nice and feels more soft than slimy. Point is, you don’t have to want to cuddle anyone to be romantically inclined but it’s often a thing that you might want to do if you find the right person for you. You are so young! Such youth. *dramatic sigh with hand over forehead* You have many years to unravel. That’s kinda how I see life. You’re born a giant ball of multicolored yarn. Each color is something unique to you but you can’t tell what color is next until it unravels more. That just takes time. I spent like 5 adult years floating between labels and was totally off base when I first started. I’m absolutely certain I will continue to change at least some preferences over time. People tend to do that. You might need some time to unravel a bit, explore more relationships to figure out what exactly you want in life. Is it guys, gals, pals? Sex or no, romance or no? So many things to consider and honestly the best way to find out is through experience. Go on a date if someone asks and if they bore you, don’t go on a second. Next time you have a crush, ask them out. Find someone who thinks you’re so cool, they want to be best friends forever and maybe start a QPR. Do what makes you happy right now. I don’t think any of this will help haha but maybe it’ll be reassuring that what you’re going through is a totally natural human experience so just sit back and enjoy the ride! Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 After talking to you, I realize I didn’t word my post well. I think you should do what makes you happy. If that means a QPR, then do it! If you can’t find someone for a QPR? No big deal, the time will come. Whatever it is that makes you happy is out there waiting to be found. You do you, boo Link to post Share on other sites
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