New to the concept.

[Hwsnca]

I recently realized that I am asexual. I just always thought there was something wrong with me and that I was broken due to lack of arousal. 

 

Anyways I've been married for 7 years and have never really cared about sex. I don't care if he bangs me but I just get so bored and foreplay drives me up a wall.

 

What does anyone else do to fake it. I know that he feels loved from sex and I want to give him all of the love I can but  just so uninterested. How do other people keep their minds engaged and fake it? 

[Grimalkin]

I feel like this sort of thing gets a bad rap from people. If you try to get advice about this sort of thing, sexual people are like "Nobody wants pity sex! You should leave him!" or some generally vague advice about how you just need to spice things up or what have you. 

 

That's the problem with being asexual. You really love this person and you want to make them happy, and sex is the key to your marriage, because without it he wouldn't be happy. So you have to fake it, because faking it is worth it. Because for an asexual there's no "not faking it." You have to. You are incapable of feeling the things he's feeling, and if you go through sex being like "I'm not enjoying any of this, are you done yet?" that's the most hurtful thing you can say to him. It'll ruin your relationship. We're stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

 

I'm not sure if you've told him you're asexual, and I know you're not asking for advice on how to tell him, but I would at least specify that you don't need sex as much as he does so you don't burn out by having sex whenever he wants sex. I would definitely consider a gentle way to break your asexuality to him in the future, in a way that assures him you enjoy sex because it's for him, because it's the greatest act of devotion you can give him. There's a thousand different pieces of advice I could give you, but putting all that aside and answering ONLY the question you posed, here's how I get through sex when I'm really not feeling it:

 

Elaborate fantasies and headcannons. 

 

I write entire stories in my head about why I'm having sex but not feeling it. I imagine I'm a medieval princess married off to the king and even though I don't love him, I want power and glory and to make my way to the top through cunning. I imagine I'm a mermaid turned human who doesn't feel anything from the waist down but wants to steal this man of mine away to the sea. I'm an android who's learning to love. I'm the best, most professional escort in the world, worth millions for a single night. You get the idea. 

 

It feels like I slip into somebody else's body or world for a little while. It gives me a reason to be more engaged. Yes, it has the downside of frequently painting me as the reluctant partner and him in a not always fantastic light, but it's just a fantasy. None of it is real. If I EVER want to actually STOP having sex, or if I get hurt, or (hypothetically) if I ever started to view him in an unfavorable light because of my fantasies bleeding over into reality, I would stop immediately. 

 

But I think these help. It's sort of "lying back and thinking of England," only it's specifically medieval England and I am furthering my way in the world with my sex appeal. It's better than being an unengaged partner because when I dream up these elaborate scenarios I actively participate, change positions, grab onto him, etc. 

 

Yes, it's weird. It's like if you asked me to take your standard sexual roleplay fantasy, and leave everything in but make it asexual somehow. But it keeps my mind engaged and active in the moment. 

 

So yeah, being asexual in a sexual relationship really sucks sometimes, because sexual people don't know how badly we love this person and really want to make this work. Asexual and sexual people alike can get really offended by the idea of having sex when you aren't feeling it, because either it's "pity sex" or it's "not okay to be having sex just because he wants it." And yes, there are discussions to be had about that, and again, you really shouldn't be having sex if you feel coerced or pressured.

 

But sometimes, for the sake of the marriage, you need to lie back and pretend you're an undercover spy maintaining a marriage to an oblivious military man. 

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

Elaborate fantasies and headcannons. 

 

I write entire stories in my head about why I'm having sex but not feeling it. I imagine I'm a medieval princess married off to the king and even though I don't love him, I want power and glory and to make my way to the top through cunning. I imagine I'm a mermaid turned human who doesn't feel anything from the waist down but wants to steal this man of mine away to the sea. I'm an android who's learning to love. I'm the best, most professional escort in the world, worth millions for a single night. You get the idea. 

 

 

21 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

But sometimes, for the sake of the marriage, you need to lie back and pretend you're an undercover spy maintaining a marriage to an oblivious military man. 

Oh my God, I used to do this with my husband! All the same sort of things!! This site makes me feel so much less crazy than I used to. 

 

This is terrible and I'm so sorry if this is TMI, but

 I also told him that I really liked it from behind, for those times when I absolutely was doing it to avoid him having a huge tantrum (along the lines of 'you aren't enjoying sex with me, you must be having an affair') - this was so that he couldn't see my face, which was me with my teeth gritted and fantasising about punching him in the face. 

 

(Obviously by then it had all become extremely toxic and I had to leave eventually)