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Retrospective Perspective

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MrDane
On 7/22/2019 at 6:57 PM, anamikanon said:

"Do you want to have sex with me?"

 

"We can have sex if you want. I don't mind."

 

"But do you want it?"
 

"Sure"

 

"Do you enjoy it?"

 

"Sure. It's nice"

 

"ARRRGH DO YOU WANT IT"

 

"Yes of course. You want to do now? I don't mind."

 

*head meet wall*

 

I don't know how many times we've had variants of this conversation. His perfectly honest replies making no sense to me. How can you "not mind" sex? Either you WANT it or you DON'T. All it took was hearing the word "asexuality" followed by "indifferent" in the explanation ONCE to understand years of these inexplicable conversations. lol

 

Now I can't imagine misunderstanding them. It is so clear. 

“Do you want it or are you just not against having it, as in eventually when you have weighed the pros and cons, then you will suspect the outcome to lean more towards a ‘im glad, i could participate in giving you this experience’ than towards a ‘i wish we didnt since the experience for me was a bit overwhelming/boring/sleepdepraving/ugly/...”

 

 

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TryingWife
7 hours ago, MrDane said:

“Do you want it or are you just not against having it, as in eventually when you have weighed the pros and cons, then you will suspect the outcome to lean more towards a ‘im glad, i could participate in giving you this experience’ than towards a ‘i wish we didnt since the experience for me was a bit overwhelming/boring/sleepdepraving/ugly/...”

 

 

So here's how that actually works.  It's a non committal position for something you don't want for your sake, but are willing to make to work because it matters to someone who matters to you.  You can substitute any activity, the process for the "staller" is the same.  They'd rather not if there's no downside to a no, but disappointing their partner is a big downside because they love and care about their partner. That logic applies is the activity in question is sex, camping, watching old westerns, wine tasting, or a zillion other things.  But you sure as hell don't want to end up watching "High Plains Drifter" because the partner *thinks* you want to. So you go back and forth with the "do you want to" dialogue. 

 

I often wonder if these partners have similar ambivalence about other choices? Like, is ambivalence a generalized trait, or is it truly limited to sex?  Do some people care more about who they are with than they care about what they are doing?

 

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AceMissBehaving
43 minutes ago, TryingWife said:

So here's how that actually works.  It's a non committal position for something you don't want for your sake, but are willing to make to work because it matters to someone who matters to you.  You can substitute any activity, the process for the "staller" is the same.  They'd rather not if there's no downside to a no, but disappointing their partner is a big downside because they love and care about their partner. That logic applies is the activity in question is sex, camping, watching old westerns, wine tasting, or a zillion other things.  But you sure as hell don't want to end up watching "High Plains Drifter" because the partner *thinks* you want to. So you go back and forth with the "do you want to" dialogue. 

 

I often wonder if these partners have similar ambivalence about other choices? Like, is ambivalence a generalized trait, or is it truly limited to sex?  Do some people care more about who they are with than they care about what they are doing?

 

As a chronic “staller” I can say that for me ambivalence is something of a generalized trait. If I’m hyper focused or trying to focus on something I care a lot about that thing in the moment, but beyond that frustratingly I find unless it’s something I really hate, I don’t much care one way or the other about a lot of things. I know I’m terrible with food for example, intellectually I know I need to eat, but when it comes to the “what” I find it very hard to think of anything I would actually want. Convenience is typically the only thing that will be a deciding factor.

 

Now generally unless I’m hyper-focused, I care more about who I’m with, than what I’m doing. So if I’m just dicking about on the internet my SO will win a bid for attention. If I’m hyper-focused on a goal or passion project, nothing else will happily win a bid for attention.

 

For me it’s very much tied to my ADHD, which for various reasons isn’t well managed right now. I have a fair amount of executive function issues, but even when it’s well managed the ambivalence is pretty strong.

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Sally

If I thought that my partner would be sad or upset if we didn't do what he asked me about, I would say "If you want to, we can...."   I could not say I wanted to because I didn't.   I felt he should have realized that since I didn't say I wanted to, I  DIDN'T want to.  But it seemed that he simply wanted me to say I wanted it, so we could go ahead and do it without him feeling guilty about getting to do it even though I didn't want to. 

 

That's confusing, I know, but it really makes sense.  

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