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Traveler40

Retrospective Perspective

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TimeDelay

I did give up my basic needs. It was my husband's fault by refusing affection/sex/intimacy but at the end of the day it was my responsibility to deal with the situation and myself as a separate person from him. I lost sight of that. I lost sight of myself.

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Serran
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Well no, nothing would get in my way, but then I'm not everyone, and clearly she didn't consider sex might help make a bad day better 

I never got how one could want sex if really upset... and still dont. I cant connect emotionally to enjoy it if im not in a good mood. 

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Traveler40
3 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

I lost sight of that. I lost sight of myself.

This is so relatable and sad. I recall feeling that way for too long.  It just tough all the way around.

 

Sometimes it seems we don’t have options, but pathways have a way of opening up when looking for them.

 

There was a campy flick some 20 years ago called Galaxy Quest.  I love the battle cry from that film: Never give up, never surrender! 💪🏼

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Traveler40
10 minutes ago, Serran said:

I cant connect emotionally to enjoy it if im not in a good mood. 

One of the greater lessons that comes with age (at least for me) is learning to let go. Once that’s mastered, most moods can be changed fairly easily. Learning to not let the mood control you: Awesome!

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Serran
Just now, Traveler40 said:

One of the greater lessons that comes with age (at least for me) is learning to let go. Once that’s mastered, most moods can be changed fairly easily. Learning to not let the mood control you: Awesome!

Mmm. For me, sex is very, very much emotional though. If I am not feeling completely emotionally connected with my partner, then it does zero for me. Like... the smallest hiccup between us means she could do everything right for an hour and I wouldnt orgasm, cause I just am not there emotionally. And when I am tired, or annoyed, stressed etc then I just am not there. Neither is my partner when she has had a bad day. 

 

I compartmentalize and get on with life when stuff happens (like going car shopping the same day I put my car into a tree, including test driving, with no outward signs of anxiety cause... well, I needed to get to work on Monday). But, it isnt quite going to lend to enjoying sex, which requires a level of emotional bonding and feeling of pure love that just isnt going to happen if I have something going on. 

 

My exes would find sex stress relieving. But... I just dont get it. I would rather cuddle during a bad day and watch Netflix. 

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R66forM

"Why don't you ever initiate?"

 

"That's your job..."

 

Makes sense now.

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skullery
On 7/23/2019 at 5:39 PM, Serran said:

 

My exes would find sex stress relieving. But... I just dont get it. I would rather cuddle during a bad day and watch Netflix. 

Hmmm, I wonder if your brain chemistry is a little different. The stress relief is the same as if you had run a mile or just cried for an hour or... whatever gives you a neurotransmitter kick. Running doesn't do it for me, personally. But the sex afterglow is just... I don't know, a melty, lovey, heart-eyed puddle of blissful chill. 

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Serran
40 minutes ago, skullery said:

Hmmm, I wonder if your brain chemistry is a little different. The stress relief is the same as if you had run a mile or just cried for an hour or... whatever gives you a neurotransmitter kick. Running doesn't do it for me, personally. But the sex afterglow is just... I don't know, a melty, lovey, heart-eyed puddle of blissful chill. 

I don't get anything from running. Crying just makes me tired. And sex feels nice, but doesn't relieve stress. *shrug*

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skullery
1 minute ago, Serran said:

I don't get anything from running. Crying just makes me tired. And sex feels nice, but doesn't relieve stress. *shrug*

Oh interesting. My body is ridiculously responsive... I feel most every thought and feeling physically. It's exhausting. 

 

So, we seem to be on opposite sides of whatever spectrum that is. 

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CBC

Running makes me feel like I want to die, lol. But I can get a good feeling from other types of exercise, although it doesn't compare to sex. I had a very shitty night headspace-wise a few nights ago and honestly most of the time that I was sitting there doing nothing, I was thinking about how I wanted to get drunk and have a lot of sex and then ugly cry for a while. Sex feels like it actually fixes my brain somehow. (And crying exhausts me so that I don't have the energy to lose my shit any longer.)

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Philip027
Quote

Hmmm, I wonder if your brain chemistry is a little different. The stress relief is the same as if you had run a mile or just cried for an hour or... whatever gives you a neurotransmitter kick. Running doesn't do it for me, personally. But the sex afterglow is just... I don't know, a melty, lovey, heart-eyed puddle of blissful chill. 

I definitely think mine is different.  None of those things really give me anything I would phrase as relief or chill or anything along those lines.

 

But then, I *do* have Asperger's, depression, and some wonked up hormone issues, so I was kinda screwed to start with, I guess.

 

Quote

Running makes me feel like I want to die, lol.

Yeeeeep.  Exercise in general is like that for me if it's strenuous

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Serran

To relax I basically need to zone out. Which is what I want when I am stressed. Something that just blanks my mind. A particular song on repeat, or cuddling and putting on something mindless. 

 

Sex... that takes concentration. I have to focus and channel a particular emotional response to bring about arousal and desire to the point of orgasm. It's a nice feeling and I like I can do it now. But, it isn't effortless .. especially not since my partner and I started to figure out our incompatibilities a bit. I need a very, very particular emotional space or nothing anyone does can work. And being all stressed makes that harder. 

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CBC

I guess I consider them different types of relaxation. (And I'm huuuuuge on songs on repeat too haha... although not always necessarily for relaxation.) And don't get me wrong, cuddling is awesome. When I'm drained and feeling really flat or perhaps really negatively about myself, and definitely (obviously, I assume) if I'm feeling physically unwell, cuddling would be preferable to sex. But if I'm stressed and not absolutely physically exhausted and have a lot going on emotionally in my head though, sex would channel and relieve that much more than just being quiet and cuddling or watching TV.

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skullery

Oh yeah for sure. Like, sex takes a lot of work and energy, so it's particularly good if I have too much anxiety or something, it burns the energy and, like CBC said, fixes my brain. Like, it really does fix it. For awhile, not like 20 minutes. 

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CBC

Yeah it affects the rest of my day at least, unless something else terrible happens later to negate the effect.

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InquisitivePhilosopher
On 7/23/2019 at 11:06 AM, Traveler40 said:

...The only thing that eludes me is how long it took AVEN to pop up on any of my Google searches. I googled for YEARS and never came across the word “asexual” or “asexuality”.

 

So, that means I’m either seriously inept at internet searching, clicked on everything except anything with the word asexual in it, or it just wasn’t “visible”.  My vote is door #3...

Hmm...well, in AVEN's early years, people only found AVEN by accident when searching for things like, "I don't want sex," "I don't like sex or dating," etc., because those exact phrases were used by members on the forum. I don't know if searching "asexual" or "asexuality" would've turned up AVEN, at the time; I think I remember a couple of members saying that, when they tried, all they got were sites about asexual plants.

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CBC
1 hour ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

I think I remember a couple of members saying that, when they tried, all they got were sites about asexual plants.

Oh yeah I remember hearing that too, haha. I found it because of a newspaper article and went directly to the site rather than googling, but I do recall stories from the early days about things like plants and amoebae.

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Sally
On 7/23/2019 at 11:21 AM, Telecaster68 said:

That reminds me ... One of my wife's early comments about me, because I'm not a blokey bloke, was that I was 'just gay enough'. Turns out she was wrong about that.

 

She may have been assuming, mistakenly, that metrosexuals don't care about sex.  

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CBC

@Sally I'll screenshot that and pass it along to Tele, haha... well, if I ever hear from him again. (Finally banned for real, in case you weren't aware. Dude sucks at staying in touch.)

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Philip027

I had been wondering where he went.  All I can say is that I hope it was for a worthy cause.

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CBC
1 minute ago, Philip027 said:

I had been wondering where he went.  All I can say is that I hope it was for a worthy cause.

Tbh it was an utter bullshit reason that maybe should've been a nudge at best... but I don't imagine this thread is the place to gossip about that sort of thing, so.

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Traveler40
26 minutes ago, CBC said:

Tbh it was an utter bullshit reason that maybe should've been a nudge at best...

I second that. 

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Sally
1 hour ago, CBC said:

@Sally I'll screenshot that and pass it along to Tele, haha... well, if I ever hear from him again. (Finally banned for real, in case you weren't aware. Dude sucks at staying in touch.)

Wow, I'm kind of amazed.  I can think of others that should have gone first.   He drove me nuts often, but I really respected his intelligence and his perspicacity about relationships.   It seemed to me that he was getting more and more angry as time went on. 

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Philip027
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I can think of others that should have gone first.

I don't have enough fingers to count them all.

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Sally

I'm really sorry about this.  He was on AVEN constantly, really seemed to depend on it, and I hope he'll be all right without it.  

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Traveler40

It’s blown a massive hole in my desire to participate these days. His perspectives and input generally resonated with me. He was instrumental around here, and his absence has left a void. 

 

Edit: I get the impression that breaking from AVEN wasn’t altogether a bad thing for him

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CBC
39 minutes ago, Sally said:

Wow, I'm kind of amazed.  I can think of others that should have gone first.   He drove me nuts often, but I really respected his intelligence and his perspicacity about relationships.   It seemed to me that he was getting more and more angry as time went on. 

I... yeah. I think he was using it for the wrong reasons at times at this point. (I have not been immune to that myself on occasion though, so I... get it.)

 

19 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

It’s blown a massive hole in my desire to participate these days. His perspectives and input generally resonated with me. He was instrumental around here, and his absence has left a void. 

 

Edit: I get the impression that breaking from AVEN wasn’t altogether a bad thing for him

Yeah I think you're right. Last I spoke with him, I heard about a cycling trip with some mates that mostly turned into a pub crawl haha, and I think he's doing alright without AVEN.

 

Missed by others though, for sure, yeah.

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SusannaC
13 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I second that. 

I third it

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Uncle D

Wow I am confused, but....lol

I get confused easily......can I butt in just to say, I can't really remember what sex and sexual intimacy is, except I know I miss it.....my wife and I could still cuddle, but that to me is, the beginning of sex at least sometimes, and to my wife it's just cuddling and that's all it is.....I do miss it....The beginning, the during and the after.....reading about you gals having difficulty with your hubbys not wanting sex....at least I know there really are females out there that want sex.....Every time I see an female, and I think wow she's nice lookin', then my mind clicks over to, what if she's asexual and is like my wife.....my mind is so screwed up anymore.......I want to compliment my wife's backside like I used, I just love her shape.....I love all of her....it makes me so sad, because it just is a dead end.......I want to touch her all over, and I want her to touch me, but it won't happen......I really miss her, I miss seeing her naked.....I miss mutual massages.....I'm gonna stop, and go do some exercises, cause I am starting to tear up........good night all.

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MrDane
On 7/23/2019 at 6:30 PM, Telecaster68 said:

uhtred and MrDane may yet show up....

Sure...! Perhaps I already posted, but now I’m here!

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