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Retrospective Perspective


Traveler40

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So, I was thinking about things that used to happen before I knew of asexuality. In retrospect, some of those moments are pretty hilarious with perspective. 

 

Here’s one that hits my funny bone:

 

Many times over the sexless years, I recall asking my husband in all seriousness, “Can you really imagine going the rest of your life and never having sex again?” 

 

I couldn’t wrap my mind around how much time had passed and how little he seemed to be bothered by it.  Somehow, I thought more discussion and dissection of what sounded truly insane would miraculously improve the situation.

 

Little did I know, no improvement needed? 🙄😂

 

What are some of yours?

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Wait, here’s another one I call “Hope Springs Eternal”:

 

In all 18+ years together (more than half of that sexless so doesn’t even count) I never had an organic orgasm with my husband.  It was always a rush job for his finish line, and then I’d have to take care of it on my own.  

 

Denial is powerful when you constantly think “We just need more practice!” Double 😂😂

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But wait, there’s more:  I recall the night I asked, “What the hell was that?” To which he replied, “Mormon style!” 

 

😲

 

Yeah, I’ll be here all week. 👏🏻

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"Do you want to have sex with me?"

 

"We can have sex if you want. I don't mind."

 

"But do you want it?"
 

"Sure"

 

"Do you enjoy it?"

 

"Sure. It's nice"

 

"ARRRGH DO YOU WANT IT"

 

"Yes of course. You want to do now? I don't mind."

 

*head meet wall*

 

I don't know how many times we've had variants of this conversation. His perfectly honest replies making no sense to me. How can you "not mind" sex? Either you WANT it or you DON'T. All it took was hearing the word "asexuality" followed by "indifferent" in the explanation ONCE to understand years of these inexplicable conversations. lol

 

Now I can't imagine misunderstanding them. It is so clear. 

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Here’s another one:  Any time we did have sex, two minutes later there was an immediate rush to clean up and forget it. 

 

I always asked, “What’s the hurry? Let’s just lay here and relax.” 

 

Once back from removing all traces of the minutes spent doing the deed, he promptly fell asleep.  I’m wondering how I lost so much time to hope? 🤔

 

In retrospect, I realize that we never snuggled once.  How did I NOT know? It’s clear as day now, but wow, that took a long time....😬

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I actually admire you @Traveler40 because you figured it out so quickly compared to the likes of me who is only here now after being with my H nearly THIRTY years!

 

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Me too.  Took me nearly twenty years to figure out.. couldn’t find a lot of humor during those years either

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Well ladies, I’m just thankful for the internet or we’d likely all still be in the dark suffering alone.

 

The only thing that eludes me is how long it took AVEN to pop up on any of my Google searches. I googled for YEARS and never came across the word “asexual” or “asexuality”.

 

So, that means I’m either seriously inept at internet searching, clicked on everything except anything with the word asexual in it, or it just wasn’t “visible”.  My vote is door #3.

 

My lover instantly understood when I told him

the “why” when looking for him. Apparently, Morrissey came out as asexual in the 80’s, so he had awareness way back then. Had I heard it at the time, it likely went right over my head; Whereas my lover notes, pockets, learns about and retains pretty much everything.  I’m the “dumb blond” in the relationship...🤣

 

 

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On another positive note, we are here and holding it together.  I mean that in all ways of course.  It’s not easy, but it is us trying to live our best life, however that looks. 

 

Today I have work, laser hair removal and time with the family. Filling up life with whatever works, never overrated! 

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😬

 

and gents....

 

Edit: Upon review of the tape, it should read, “and Tele...”.  You’re the lone male on this thread so far.  Posse of chicks Tele. 🤔. Yeah, there’s a joke in there somewhere, but I’ll spare you the inappropriate chuckle. 😉

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You know, these past few months it’s been like a ghost town on this sub-forum.  This thread for example, 2/3 of it is me talking to me. 

 

I’m glad to have some input period. 🙃

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anisotrophic

I'm not sure what I am, although I am enjoying my abdication of gendered performances, depilatory and otherwise, as I take our kids to the community pool with my legs au natural, swim trunks & shirt...

 

We weren't sexless, but I did always initiate and say "thank you" afterwards when we cuddled. (Which we do a lot, one thing there is no shortage of is physical affection; he's just the variety that has no libido, no fantasies, no desires.) In retrospect I realized, "oh, I must have known on some level".

 

I guess the funny part has been to realize "ah, he really *isn't* turned off by my changes in gender -- because he was never turned *on*". Finally, I really believed that? A relief of sorts. :)

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Back from enjoying a couple of hours on the beach. It's unusually hot in Ireland today. Watching the waves while mulling this one over, and like you @SusannaC, considering the humour or lack of it through the years. I'm gaining a wee bit now but it's mostly dark. Remembering how my H repeatedly said things like he couldn't see any beauty in the human form (when we were all still in our late teens) and his oldest friends just rolled their eyes and commented "that's typical you"...

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20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

She also had a framed print with something about the peace of the marriage bed after the hurley burley of the chaise longue.

That’s kinda obvious as a sign and all....🤭

Hey, I’m not one to be all judgy though! Haha

 

What makes complacency so complete that decades slip by in denial?  I wanted kids, have kids, focus on the kids, but others just stick for whatever reasons.

 

In some ways, it’s a testament to how much the other stuff means which is an argument many make.  In others, I wonder if we valued ourselves so little as to ignore our basic needs for the majority of our ripe years?  

 

At the end of the day, once a realization sets in and the past clears up, how does one make a better future?  I’m working on it.  Are you?

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Ouch @Telecaster68...here's another one..he TOLD me early on how he'd asked his friend if I was attractive!! OMFG...facepalm moment here! I wonder if he remembers that one..I'll add it to the list of questions for asking him during the next stage of our ongoing 'TALK'. He seems to not be totally sure he's asexual btw

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Comparative complacency makes sense. (New phrase, roll with it). When the rest of the Union is generally good, I see how the scales tip towards compromise of one’s very essence. 

 

As well, it likely happened like a slow drip and devolved further in time as it did in my home.

 

Well, there’s only looking forward.  I’m glad you’re doing better Tele - you deserve it!

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Yes, but NEVER having sex? 🤔.  That goes back to my point.  Indefinitely ignoring one’s essence is problematic.  Clearly, both parties are placed in an impossible spot. 

 

Is there anything that could get in your way and prevent you from wanting it?  I could be half dead and still find the time and desire to sexually bond with my lover. 

 

I think you said it best here:  

 

27 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

my own complacency was more like a lack of recognition of my own needs and even the increasing lack of any kind of intimacy got filled under acceptable 

 

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31 minutes ago, TimeDelay said:

He seems to not be totally sure he's asexual btw

Yes, this is the case in my home as well. He sees it, but feels in admitting it makes him less of a man in some way.  At least that’s what he’s said.  I don’t see it that way. It’s how he is. 

 

The larger issue is communication.  Talking is critical to finding any compromise.  Hopefully, you’re connecting regularly?

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I could get all AVEN right about now, but I won’t. Just think about how contrary the last few things put forth are.  The point is that we go to great lengths to deny our basic needs in the midst of a lengthy complacency.

 

Edit: hmmm, ignore instead of deny may be more accurate.

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True.  As I sit here at my desk looking out of the window, I think I’d rather be out there than hashing this out here.  It seems we are still hoping for answers that will never come. (At least I seem to be) 

 

Bottom Line: We can’t change who we are. Given that framework, it’s damn near impossible to thread the needle.

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

The larger issue is communication.  Talking is critical to finding any compromise.  Hopefully, you’re connecting regularly?

Yes, we are talking. Instead of scheduling sex as some on AVEN do we are scheduling conversation. Am I the only one that tickles? I fluctuate between allowing hope creep back in and slamming that door shut hard in hope's face. There have been few times in my life when a problem has been unfix-able. Those times usually involved death. Damn, maybe that is what my new approach should be, for the framework that's in it; this mismatch is as immutable as death. I've said elsewhere that accepting my H is who he is has involved a grieving process but it's hard to let go completely. It doesn't help when he says he is not sure himself..

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I did give up my basic needs. It was my husband's fault by refusing affection/sex/intimacy but at the end of the day it was my responsibility to deal with the situation and myself as a separate person from him. I lost sight of that. I lost sight of myself.

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Well no, nothing would get in my way, but then I'm not everyone, and clearly she didn't consider sex might help make a bad day better 

I never got how one could want sex if really upset... and still dont. I cant connect emotionally to enjoy it if im not in a good mood. 

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3 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

I lost sight of that. I lost sight of myself.

This is so relatable and sad. I recall feeling that way for too long.  It just tough all the way around.

 

Sometimes it seems we don’t have options, but pathways have a way of opening up when looking for them.

 

There was a campy flick some 20 years ago called Galaxy Quest.  I love the battle cry from that film: Never give up, never surrender! 💪🏼

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10 minutes ago, Serran said:

I cant connect emotionally to enjoy it if im not in a good mood. 

One of the greater lessons that comes with age (at least for me) is learning to let go. Once that’s mastered, most moods can be changed fairly easily. Learning to not let the mood control you: Awesome!

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Just now, Traveler40 said:

One of the greater lessons that comes with age (at least for me) is learning to let go. Once that’s mastered, most moods can be changed fairly easily. Learning to not let the mood control you: Awesome!

Mmm. For me, sex is very, very much emotional though. If I am not feeling completely emotionally connected with my partner, then it does zero for me. Like... the smallest hiccup between us means she could do everything right for an hour and I wouldnt orgasm, cause I just am not there emotionally. And when I am tired, or annoyed, stressed etc then I just am not there. Neither is my partner when she has had a bad day. 

 

I compartmentalize and get on with life when stuff happens (like going car shopping the same day I put my car into a tree, including test driving, with no outward signs of anxiety cause... well, I needed to get to work on Monday). But, it isnt quite going to lend to enjoying sex, which requires a level of emotional bonding and feeling of pure love that just isnt going to happen if I have something going on. 

 

My exes would find sex stress relieving. But... I just dont get it. I would rather cuddle during a bad day and watch Netflix. 

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  • 1 month later...
On 7/23/2019 at 5:39 PM, Serran said:

 

My exes would find sex stress relieving. But... I just dont get it. I would rather cuddle during a bad day and watch Netflix. 

Hmmm, I wonder if your brain chemistry is a little different. The stress relief is the same as if you had run a mile or just cried for an hour or... whatever gives you a neurotransmitter kick. Running doesn't do it for me, personally. But the sex afterglow is just... I don't know, a melty, lovey, heart-eyed puddle of blissful chill. 

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40 minutes ago, skullery said:

Hmmm, I wonder if your brain chemistry is a little different. The stress relief is the same as if you had run a mile or just cried for an hour or... whatever gives you a neurotransmitter kick. Running doesn't do it for me, personally. But the sex afterglow is just... I don't know, a melty, lovey, heart-eyed puddle of blissful chill. 

I don't get anything from running. Crying just makes me tired. And sex feels nice, but doesn't relieve stress. *shrug*

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1 minute ago, Serran said:

I don't get anything from running. Crying just makes me tired. And sex feels nice, but doesn't relieve stress. *shrug*

Oh interesting. My body is ridiculously responsive... I feel most every thought and feeling physically. It's exhausting. 

 

So, we seem to be on opposite sides of whatever spectrum that is. 

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