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Traveler40

Retrospective Perspective

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Traveler40

So, I was thinking about things that used to happen before I knew of asexuality. In retrospect, some of those moments are pretty hilarious with perspective. 

 

Here’s one that hits my funny bone:

 

Many times over the sexless years, I recall asking my husband in all seriousness, “Can you really imagine going the rest of your life and never having sex again?” 

 

I couldn’t wrap my mind around how much time had passed and how little he seemed to be bothered by it.  Somehow, I thought more discussion and dissection of what sounded truly insane would miraculously improve the situation.

 

Little did I know, no improvement needed? 🙄😂

 

What are some of yours?

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Traveler40

Wait, here’s another one I call “Hope Springs Eternal”:

 

In all 18+ years together (more than half of that sexless so doesn’t even count) I never had an organic orgasm with my husband.  It was always a rush job for his finish line, and then I’d have to take care of it on my own.  

 

Denial is powerful when you constantly think “We just need more practice!” Double 😂😂

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Traveler40

But wait, there’s more:  I recall the night I asked, “What the hell was that?” To which he replied, “Mormon style!” 

 

😲

 

Yeah, I’ll be here all week. 👏🏻

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Telecaster68

My high spot was my wife's response when I asked her how she felt about is never having sex. 

 

'It's just something we used to do when we were younger, like going to clubs....' 

 

Oh and apparently sex having any emotional component was 'a man thing'. 

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anamikanon

"Do you want to have sex with me?"

 

"We can have sex if you want. I don't mind."

 

"But do you want it?"
 

"Sure"

 

"Do you enjoy it?"

 

"Sure. It's nice"

 

"ARRRGH DO YOU WANT IT"

 

"Yes of course. You want to do now? I don't mind."

 

*head meet wall*

 

I don't know how many times we've had variants of this conversation. His perfectly honest replies making no sense to me. How can you "not mind" sex? Either you WANT it or you DON'T. All it took was hearing the word "asexuality" followed by "indifferent" in the explanation ONCE to understand years of these inexplicable conversations. lol

 

Now I can't imagine misunderstanding them. It is so clear. 

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Traveler40

Here’s another one:  Any time we did have sex, two minutes later there was an immediate rush to clean up and forget it. 

 

I always asked, “What’s the hurry? Let’s just lay here and relax.” 

 

Once back from removing all traces of the minutes spent doing the deed, he promptly fell asleep.  I’m wondering how I lost so much time to hope? 🤔

 

In retrospect, I realize that we never snuggled once.  How did I NOT know? It’s clear as day now, but wow, that took a long time....😬

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TimeDelay

I actually admire you @Traveler40 because you figured it out so quickly compared to the likes of me who is only here now after being with my H nearly THIRTY years!

 

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SusannaC

Me too.  Took me nearly twenty years to figure out.. couldn’t find a lot of humor during those years either

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Traveler40

Well ladies, I’m just thankful for the internet or we’d likely all still be in the dark suffering alone.

 

The only thing that eludes me is how long it took AVEN to pop up on any of my Google searches. I googled for YEARS and never came across the word “asexual” or “asexuality”.

 

So, that means I’m either seriously inept at internet searching, clicked on everything except anything with the word asexual in it, or it just wasn’t “visible”.  My vote is door #3.

 

My lover instantly understood when I told him

the “why” when looking for him. Apparently, Morrissey came out as asexual in the 80’s, so he had awareness way back then. Had I heard it at the time, it likely went right over my head; Whereas my lover notes, pockets, learns about and retains pretty much everything.  I’m the “dumb blond” in the relationship...🤣

 

 

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Traveler40

On another positive note, we are here and holding it together.  I mean that in all ways of course.  It’s not easy, but it is us trying to live our best life, however that looks. 

 

Today I have work, laser hair removal and time with the family. Filling up life with whatever works, never overrated! 

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Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

ladies

😳

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Traveler40

😬

 

and gents....

 

Edit: Upon review of the tape, it should read, “and Tele...”.  You’re the lone male on this thread so far.  Posse of chicks Tele. 🤔. Yeah, there’s a joke in there somewhere, but I’ll spare you the inappropriate chuckle. 😉

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Traveler40

You know, these past few months it’s been like a ghost town on this sub-forum.  This thread for example, 2/3 of it is me talking to me. 

 

I’m glad to have some input period. 🙃

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anisotrophic

I'm not sure what I am, although I am enjoying my abdication of gendered performances, depilatory and otherwise, as I take our kids to the community pool with my legs au natural, swim trunks & shirt...

 

We weren't sexless, but I did always initiate and say "thank you" afterwards when we cuddled. (Which we do a lot, one thing there is no shortage of is physical affection; he's just the variety that has no libido, no fantasies, no desires.) In retrospect I realized, "oh, I must have known on some level".

 

I guess the funny part has been to realize "ah, he really *isn't* turned off by my changes in gender -- because he was never turned *on*". Finally, I really believed that? A relief of sorts. :)

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Telecaster68

uhtred and MrDane may yet show up....

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TimeDelay

Back from enjoying a couple of hours on the beach. It's unusually hot in Ireland today. Watching the waves while mulling this one over, and like you @SusannaC, considering the humour or lack of it through the years. I'm gaining a wee bit now but it's mostly dark. Remembering how my H repeatedly said things like he couldn't see any beauty in the human form (when we were all still in our late teens) and his oldest friends just rolled their eyes and commented "that's typical you"...

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Telecaster68

That reminds me ... One of my wife's early comments about me, because I'm not a blokey bloke, was that I was 'just gay enough'. Turns out she was wrong about that.

 

She also had a framed print with something about the peace of the marriage bed after the hurley burley of the chaise longue.

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Traveler40
20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

She also had a framed print with something about the peace of the marriage bed after the hurley burley of the chaise longue.

That’s kinda obvious as a sign and all....🤭

Hey, I’m not one to be all judgy though! Haha

 

What makes complacency so complete that decades slip by in denial?  I wanted kids, have kids, focus on the kids, but others just stick for whatever reasons.

 

In some ways, it’s a testament to how much the other stuff means which is an argument many make.  In others, I wonder if we valued ourselves so little as to ignore our basic needs for the majority of our ripe years?  

 

At the end of the day, once a realization sets in and the past clears up, how does one make a better future?  I’m working on it.  Are you?

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TimeDelay

Ouch @Telecaster68...here's another one..he TOLD me early on how he'd asked his friend if I was attractive!! OMFG...facepalm moment here! I wonder if he remembers that one..I'll add it to the list of questions for asking him during the next stage of our ongoing 'TALK'. He seems to not be totally sure he's asexual btw

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

That’s kinda obvious as a sign and all..

Well yes, in retrospect. I took it to mean a kind of emotional stability after the anxiety of dating and so on.

 

But in general, my own complacency was more like a lack of recognition of my own needs and even the increasing lack of any kind of intimacy got filled under acceptable as it wasn't as bad as my parents' marriage.

 

And yep, I'm doing better now. Therapy and exercise help a lot.

 

 

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Traveler40

Comparative complacency makes sense. (New phrase, roll with it). When the rest of the Union is generally good, I see how the scales tip towards compromise of one’s very essence. 

 

As well, it likely happened like a slow drip and devolved further in time as it did in my home.

 

Well, there’s only looking forward.  I’m glad you’re doing better Tele - you deserve it!

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Telecaster68

There were also other coincidental life events going on for years, consecutively, which could conceivably have put anyone off sex - death of a close friend, health stuff, work stress. I felt like I'd be a douche for pushing sex while they were going on.

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Traveler40

Yes, but NEVER having sex? 🤔.  That goes back to my point.  Indefinitely ignoring one’s essence is problematic.  Clearly, both parties are placed in an impossible spot. 

 

Is there anything that could get in your way and prevent you from wanting it?  I could be half dead and still find the time and desire to sexually bond with my lover. 

 

I think you said it best here:  

 

27 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

my own complacency was more like a lack of recognition of my own needs and even the increasing lack of any kind of intimacy got filled under acceptable 

 

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Traveler40
31 minutes ago, TimeDelay said:

He seems to not be totally sure he's asexual btw

Yes, this is the case in my home as well. He sees it, but feels in admitting it makes him less of a man in some way.  At least that’s what he’s said.  I don’t see it that way. It’s how he is. 

 

The larger issue is communication.  Talking is critical to finding any compromise.  Hopefully, you’re connecting regularly?

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Telecaster68

Well no, nothing would get in my way, but then I'm not everyone, and clearly she didn't consider sex might help make a bad day better so I was willing to compromise for her sake for far too long. I just hadn't come across the idea that some people not only didn't find sex a solace, physically and emotionally, but would prefer never to have sex again and maybe most importantly, didn't think compromise behoved them over sex.

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Traveler40

I could get all AVEN right about now, but I won’t. Just think about how contrary the last few things put forth are.  The point is that we go to great lengths to deny our basic needs in the midst of a lengthy complacency.

 

Edit: hmmm, ignore instead of deny may be more accurate.

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Telecaster68

Oh there were equally ignorant assumptions on both sides, but as I've said many times, the sexual partner is the one who by default has to give all the ground of the asexual just flat refuses to - short of leaving, of course.

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Traveler40

True.  As I sit here at my desk looking out of the window, I think I’d rather be out there than hashing this out here.  It seems we are still hoping for answers that will never come. (At least I seem to be) 

 

Bottom Line: We can’t change who we are. Given that framework, it’s damn near impossible to thread the needle.

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TimeDelay
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

The larger issue is communication.  Talking is critical to finding any compromise.  Hopefully, you’re connecting regularly?

Yes, we are talking. Instead of scheduling sex as some on AVEN do we are scheduling conversation. Am I the only one that tickles? I fluctuate between allowing hope creep back in and slamming that door shut hard in hope's face. There have been few times in my life when a problem has been unfix-able. Those times usually involved death. Damn, maybe that is what my new approach should be, for the framework that's in it; this mismatch is as immutable as death. I've said elsewhere that accepting my H is who he is has involved a grieving process but it's hard to let go completely. It doesn't help when he says he is not sure himself..

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Telecaster68

I think treating it as immutable and to be grieved is sensible, if traumatic. At the same time though, it's as though you're going to be grieving someone in a deep coma. Realistically, the situation isn't going to change but you can't help thinking there's still a glimmer of hope. It's very, very tough. 

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