Audrey M Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Recently due to a recent breakup of mine, and with Pride Month just happening about a month ago, I have been thinking about sexuality in general and how it relates to me, and I've come to realize I am confused about my sexual identity/orientation When it comes to attraction, I do consider myself Pansexual, since I don't have control over who I think is attractive, but I've realized that I don't really feel sexual attraction when I find someone attractive. Like I will look at them and think "oh that person looks good" "they are really cute" "man they are beautiful/handsome" but it's never "man I would totally have sex with that person/I want to have sex with them." I've always been uncomfortable with talks of people saying how "hot or sexy"some person is (such as like actors, people who we see pass by the street, so on and so forth). And talks about sex make me feel super awkward as well, or what type of specific things do I find attractive is hard to talk about too. Then we get into the sexual aspects. I do get random arousals, but it's never towards a certain person. Usually it's like "oh man I am in a mood" and usually am able to take care of it myself by mastribation or some sorts. But it's hard for me to even think about going up to someone and saying "I am horny please have sex with me" because it's awkward and what if they aren't in the mood, or if I mess things up in some way. I have had sex before with people, and if I have thoughts about sexual intercourse, I get uncomfortable with the idea of pleasuring someone else or taking charge in the act. I don't mind when they help me let things off, but I can't do that for someone else. I get terrified or stiff and I have been known to lose my mood with the idea of touching someone sexually even if it's just like touching a breast or rubbing in one way. Hell even kissing sometimes makes me uncomfortable. It feels nice but I don't need sex in my life, I just want someone who I can be with, that doesn't have to have the relationship revolve around sex. Even if it's just being around each other, feeling safe and secure, gentle touching of reassurance or some sort of romantic chemistry but be able to not have to touch to feel the attraction or love. Its been bugging me for a while, and I just want some advice on what's going on with me. I'm not terrified if I'm asexual, or graysexual, or whatever I just want some closure or some idea to help me figure out my sexuality. Thank you for reading this. Link to post Share on other sites
3Xi3X Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Dear Audrey, First of all, welcome to land of Spades, Hearts, Clubs and Diamonds. Where only people, (like you), who have no need or desire for sex go. This is a magical place that only becomes locatable once we realize something within ourselves. It sounds to me that you very well could be asexual. The question is if you ever develop sexual desire. That could mean your gray. Or if you develop them only after getting to know someone well. That could mean your demi. But if you never want it and in fact seem a little turned off by it. Then I think it is safe to say that your an ace. Just like me. (And him, and her, and them...) Link to post Share on other sites
crazy ace Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Have some ascii cake as a welcome: $$ $$ $$ __||__||__||__ |* * * * * * * *| |* * * * * * * *| |* * * * * * * *| |______________| It seems that what you assume to be sexual attraction is simply aesthetic attraction. You certainly seem to be ace and probably feel romantic attraction. Kissing and hugging and such can also be classified as sensual attraction, so you may be asensual. P.S. Most aces don't have control over what they find attractive. That would be like being *able* to not find puppies cute. It isn't only allosexual to find someone handsome or pretty. P.P.S. You mentioned random arousal and masturbation. Plenty of Aces masturbate and feel arousal. Libido and arousal aren't necessarily attached to sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Audrey M Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 4 hours ago, 3Xi3X said: Dear Audrey, First of all, welcome to land of Spades, Hearts, Clubs and Diamonds. Where only people, (like you), who have no need or desire for sex go. This is a magical place that only becomes locatable once we realize something within ourselves. It sounds to me that you very well could be asexual. The question is if you ever develop sexual desire. That could mean your gray. Or if you develop them only after getting to know someone well. That could mean your demi. But if you never want it and in fact seem a little turned off by it. Then I think it is safe to say that your an ace. Just like me. (And him, and her, and them...) I mean define "sexual desire" sorry I'm confused by the words and meaning 😅 I mean the idea of being that close to someone is nice in the feeling, but I just don't feel sex is the answer? I'm not repulsed by the idea at all, but it just doesn't appeal me in my life? Especially with my past with sex and especially when I lost my virginity not being my choice. Some people have told me it's probably only because of my past with relationships and my fear of getting too close to people then getting hurt. Which is true in a way, but it doesn't stop the fact that sex still isn't my top priority. Thank you by the way for the welcome ❤️ I wanted to ask other people on the asexual spectrum these questions but don't have anyone I am close to that are part of it, and I found this site and decided to jump the shark for my own betterment since it's been bugging me for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Audrey M Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 43 minutes ago, crazy ace said: Have some ascii cake as a welcome: $$ $$ $$ __||__||__||__ |* * * * * * * *| |* * * * * * * *| |* * * * * * * *| |______________| It seems that what you assume to be sexual attraction is simply aesthetic attraction. You certainly seem to be ace and probably feel romantic attraction. Kissing and hugging and such can also be classified as sensual attraction, so you may be asensual. P.S. Most aces don't have control over what they find attractive. That would be like being *able* to not find puppies cute. It isn't only allosexual to find someone handsome or pretty. P.P.S. You mentioned random arousal and masturbation. Plenty of Aces masturbate and feel arousal. Libido and arousal aren't necessarily attached to sexual attraction. Thank you for the cake lol ❤️ It really means a lot to me since I was nervous talking about this to other people so decided to come here where I could get advice and feedback on my feelings from other asexuals 😊 I mean I do love hugging and cuddling a lot, and honestly have had a craving for it recently, but it's because I've been feeling unsafe in my feelings lately, especially with the break up where it was caused because she didn't feel like I was treating her like a girlfriend/felt the romantic feelings anymore for me (and it sucked because I felt them hardcore and was absolutely happy with her, but she is a lot more highly sexual than me, and has respected I don't feel sexual especially in the beginning.) Hell she would be completely naked around me and I wouldn't feel sexual stuff, it mostly was "wow she's beautiful I'm lucky to be with her" versus when I walked out naked and would make comments on my figure being appealing, which would sometimes make me uncomfortable and make me cover myself, but I also trusted her in my feelings of being exposed like that. To the PS- wow I didn't know it wasn't uncommon for that to be normal thing for the ace community. I'm still learning about this type of stuff even though I wanna learn more. To the PPS- that is comforting to hear that, since most of my life I've heard it is connected and was always confused when it happened to me but it didn't go towards someone at all. Link to post Share on other sites
3Xi3X Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Maybe this will help. Based off everything you have said so far, it doesn’t sound like you experience sexual attraction/desire. But maybe your feelings fall under the other types of attraction? That seems to be the way it is for us. Why we are ace and others aren’t. Also, if you take a look in the welcome lounge I think you’ll find a lot of people have their “Intro” stories there and you’ll be able to read for yourself what commonly gets said and what doesn’t. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Audrey M Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 10 minutes ago, 3Xi3X said: Maybe this will help. Based off everything you have said so far, it doesn’t sound like you experience sexual attraction/desire. But maybe your feelings fall under the other types of attraction? That seems to be the way it is for us. Why we are ace and others aren’t. Also, if you take a look in the welcome lounge I think you’ll find a lot of people have their “Intro” stories there and you’ll be able to read for yourself what commonly gets said and what doesn’t. Good luck. Man this image does help out a lot thank you! And I will check out the "Intro" section, thank you so much for all the info and advice it really helps a lot and gives me more clarity especially walking into what I believe I am part of ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
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