Jump to content

Arranged Marriage


Cereal Tendencies

Recommended Posts

Cereal Tendencies

So here’s my problem, I come from a very traditional background where arranged marriage is the norm and it honestly scares me, especially as I get older.

I’ve had 15 suitors so far and I’m only 26! I’m just glad my dad refuses them tbh 😅

I’m not out to my parents (only my brother knows and he still “wants me to be happy”)

 

I’ve considered marrying a queer to become each other’s beards but it’s difficult to find LGBTQ folks in my country since it’s so taboo

 

What are your thoughts? How should I properly deal with this?

 

-A few details about me:

*Muslim

*Aromantic ace

*Somewhat normal libido but I don’t masturbate because religious (I’ve considered marriage as a solution to this problem lol)

*Considered having children at one point just to make my mom happy but I don’t want them myself (although I am good with them)

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

So here’s my problem, I come from a very traditional background where arranged marriage is the norm and it honestly scares me, especially as I get older.

I’ve had 15 suitors so far and I’m only 26! I’m just glad my dad refuses them tbh 😅

I’m not out to my parents (only my brother knows and he still “wants me to be happy”)

 

I’ve considered marrying a queer to become each other’s beards but it’s difficult to find LGBTQ folks in my country since it’s so taboo

 

What are your thoughts? How should I properly deal with this?

 

-A few details about me:

*Muslim

*Aromantic ace

*Somewhat normal libido but I don’t masturbate because religious (I’ve considered marriage as a solution to this problem lol)

*Considered having children at one point just to make my mom happy but I don’t want them myself (although I am good with them)

What are your parents opinions on the LGBTQ+ community? That could make all the difference in this situation. In my opinion, marriage is a form of slavery so I'm probably not the best person to answer this anyway lol.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien

I wish I had some advice but it's something so foreign to me that I think any advice I'd give would be pulled out of my butt and therefore not actually helpful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

With the caveat that I'm not at all from a culture with arranged marriages so I can only speculate based on what I've heard from other folks, I would think if being LGBT+ is very taboo where you are, I could see it being very useful to have a beard who you're friends with, like a platonic life partner/best friend type situation. Gets some societal pressure off you while having a friend close. I know I've heard about this as a fairly common strategy throughout history in places where being LGBT+ could be a big problem. But I have no idea how you would find such a person... 

Ideally I'd think yes you would want to be honest to your family, but not knowing what your overall situation is I don't want to *assume* that's a good idea. Does anyone *really* want to be in a beard marriage? Probably not... but if the alternative is constant hounding or even persecution it makes sense as one of the ways for LGBT+ folks to support each other.

That's a really tough one. I hope you find a solution that works for you & your happiness 💕

Link to post
Share on other sites

It can be hard to relate to that kind of cultural difference. I always feel so heartbroken for the many millions of people in that same situation, with so much social and family pressure and expectation that supersedes happiness. It is especially hard when you don't feel really disconnected with that religion or culture. I'm sorry that I can't really give advice on that, it is just not something I can honestly understand, not knowing your family. I do hope they can look out for you, though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh my goodness, Cereal. That is very rough...very tricky. I wish I had some ideas, too. : ( But I'm not familiar enough with how thta works...I'm just in amazement at how many suitors you've already had. :( *huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs* Good thing your dad's rejected them. I really hope that something works out for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cereal Tendencies
1 hour ago, KeKatCookie said:

If the answers are no, no, yes, then definitely explain to your parents. 

Otherwise... Have a good think about what it is that you want. I'm sure your parents have your best interests at heart. 

I have mentioned to my mom multiple times that I’m just not interested (never told her I was ace since I knew she wouldn’t get it) and she said “I don’t care, I want grandchildren!”

 

1 hour ago, Blit said:

What are your parents opinions on the LGBTQ+ community?

Very conservative, sadly

 

43 minutes ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

Maybe your brother could help somehow. Could you move away perhaps too. 

My brother has almost outed me multiple times, trying to convince my mom to let me live my life how I want to, and still she gives the same answer- grand babies 🙄

 

I’m currently working on leveling up my career to the point where I can apply for a work visa overseas and hopefully move without having to marry first, according to my mom lol

 

I love her to bits but I hate it when she brings up the marriage talk 😩

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Cereal Tendencies Hope you don't mind answering how you feel religiously and culturally. I know what your lifestyle would prefer (the being beards thing sounds cool), but it is hard to address without knowing exactly how obligated to religion and family you feel. Personally, I would run away, but I'm used to a completely different social situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There is no guarantee that you will bear children. What is your family's opinion on adoption? Suppose it turns out that you are medically unable to have kids, what does your family think of that? What is your family's opinion on divorce if your marriage turn bad due to abuse, alcoholism, cheating etc?

 

My point is, perhaps you can point out to future issues and convince them? Someone I know told their parents that guys nowadays have been heavily influenced by western culture and that they do terrible things hidden from society like heavy drinking etc. They then said that half their friend's marriages have ended in divorce due to this issue. In other words, they stretched the truth (so it was almost a lie) and made it seem bad to escape their arranged marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think sticking it out until you can move away is safest.  Not physically, because it doesn't sound like you would be in any physical danger if you don't get married, but you will continue to have emotional pressure until you can get away.  Finding someone to be "beards" for each other is unlikely, and you'd still be under pressure to have children and would  have to pretend that you are trying to do so.  This is such a sad situation for you to be in.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cereal Tendencies
12 hours ago, Zagadka said:

Hope you don't mind answering how you feel religiously and culturally

I consider myself an open-minded Muslim

I respect my culture, but I also don’t turn a blind eye to some of its flaws

 

5 hours ago, Serran said:

:( Maybe you could explain to your mom that you think you would struggle performing the wifely duties and thus would make the men unhappy long term ?

I’ve told her that I just can’t take on the huge responsibility of a husband and children when I can barely take care of myself

Recently she asked my married cousin what she thought about marriage, and she said it was a “dilemma” and my mom corrects her saying a “beautiful dilemma though, right?” before I even had a chance to agree to the first one 😑

 

4 hours ago, Chihiro said:

There is no guarantee that you will bear children. What is your family's opinion on adoption? Suppose it turns out that you are medically unable to have kids, what does your family think of that? What is your family's opinion on divorce if your marriage turn bad due to abuse, alcoholism, cheating etc?

 

My point is, perhaps you can point out to future issues and convince them? Someone I know told their parents that guys nowadays have been heavily influenced by western culture and that they do terrible things hidden from society like heavy drinking etc. They then said that half their friend's marriages have ended in divorce due to this issue. In other words, they stretched the truth (so it was almost a lie) and made it seem bad to escape their arranged marriage.

My mom is anti-adoption. They’ll make sure I try every fertility treatment there is before giving up and accepting that I can’t bear children.

My mom is anti-divorce (in Islam it’s considered as a last resort) but if the spouse is abusive then they’ll support me

That’s actually a good idea! It reminds me of one of my excuses whenever someone asks me out or if a suitor comes around, I always tell them that I have a problem with smoking, knowing that 99.9% of the male population in my country smoke or snuff dip lol

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

You probably won't like this answer and it may seem cruel, but dealing with the kind of pressures your mom is putting on you isn't really all that different from aces dealing with sexual partners who want sex. Unless you take a clear and non-negotiable stand, this will keep coming back at you. If you don't want to marry, say that firmly once. Ignore all further demands, even if it seems rude or ill tempered. Heck feel free to lose your temper on occasion. Have a few replies ready to common nags. Want grandkids? Adopt.

 

If you are normally rather conforming - and your posts overall give me the impression that you don't want to rattle anything - this kind of behavior may seem hostile to you. But it isn't. While your mother thinks given enough "convincing" she can change your mind, it adds to her anxiety as well to get that changing of mind done before you get too old, etc. If she knows it is a no-go, even if badly disappointing, she will be able to get over it and when the waves from that settle, both of you will be able to move on from the conflict.

 

Good news is that conservative families overall are more accepting of women not wanting sex than wanting sex 😛 It is the "don't want to marry" that will make you stand out. Might be useful to state what you WANT to do instead. For eg, take a specific kind of job or career or lifestyle that isn't compatible with a traditional marriage or is simply too time consuming or at a delicate stage to get distracted by marriage now. Will help your mother transition into acceptance. "Won't marry? Then what will you DO?" is answered.

 

It may also be useful to have your own backup plan if things go to hell in a handbasket. Have a tentative idea of what you will do if your refusal is not accepted. Also, and I hate to say this, a risk assessment if anyone in your family is prone to fits of anger. Could be useful to have your brother present.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I dont think where Cereal lives and the overall culture really lends itself to "taking a stand"... she isnt in the privileged position of being in America, or Europe, where we are free to say f off to our families if they wont accept no marriage, or can get self-engagement rings to declare our love of singlehood and people barely look twice at it. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Cereal Tendencies

Update: So, my mom just told me that they won’t pressure me to get married because they’re worried it might trigger a manic episode (I forgot to mention I have bipolar disorder)

I’m so relieved 😁

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
14 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

Update: So, my mom just told me that they won’t pressure me to get married because they’re worried it might trigger a manic episode (I forgot to mention I have bipolar disorder)

I’m so relieved 😁

It's a good thing that your safe now.

1098362-200.png

However, for potential future users with the same problem...

It seems from what you wrote that you could be comfortable with having sex. I couldn't - I'm absolutely sex-averse, the idea of having sex feels terrifying to me. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about it - in European cultures arranged marriages are a thing of the past and even if the society still generally expects people to marry, my family knows - because I have been saying it since childhood - that I don't want to. As it is, I would hate to be perceived as heterosexual and I reject the idea of any relationship with a man. If I lived in a much more restrictive culture, I perhaps could bend to survive and have a husband who would in fact be my best friend. However, I really feel that I would rather die than have sex, children and pregnancy-related medical procedures. So, for other aces who are in danger of having a marriage arranged for them against their will, particularly the sex-averse: as a last resort, talk to your parents very honestly about how you feel terrified by "marital duties". You don't have to reference asexuality, but if nothing else works, explain that sex is something you wish to never have to go through.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...