hello, here is a bit of my story

[Guest]

,

[motography]

1 hour ago, Newperson said:

maybe this is my time, to start basing my life on the firm foundation that can come from knowing and understanding who I am. I've been single and celibate for over 5 years now, I'm a little lonely but so glad I discovered this before I made any more stupid mistakes in life .

awesome! this self discovery is the best, and at least for me figuring out I am asexual felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. no more needing to fake being sexual (to yourself or others) and also knowing that there are other people out there going through the same stuff helped me become more comfortable with myself and feel not as isolated  

 

also if someone said this to me

1 hour ago, Newperson said:

'I was listening to a Radio 4 programme about asexuality. Apparently most people think about sex every 7 seconds..'

I would have responded the exact same way as u because that is a wild statistic lol 
 

[oldgeeza]

Hi, welcome and thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find all the answers you're looking for, the people here are fantastic, extremely helpful and they will happily offer any advice you may need or even tell of their experiences too, I hope you like it here and good luck.

 

It sounds like you are a little younger than I am, but grew up in the 80's, the time when, well at least in my experience, you were gay or straight, if you weren't married by a certain age, you were seen as gay, this was unacceptable back then, and, alike to me, it took you into your 40's to discover that there were others who felt similar to you and that there was a term for it, I must admit, my way of getting around the relationship thing was work, I've never been into the religion thing, I know a lot of people who are, but again, that wasn't my thing. I come from a very dysfunctional background, my family didn't work, they relied on my income to support the home, pay the bills etc, so it was easy for me to get out of relationships, I had a few, none of them lasted more than a few weeks, I tried sex due to peer pressure and I didn't like it, I shrivelled up after a few seconds, afterwards, I'd be sick, then light up a cigarette to calm myself, I only had two sexual partners, in total I probably only had sex a handful of times, I hated it, in fact I dreaded it, so much so that from the age of 19 to 23 I never had another relationship, then at 23, a relationship just happened, luckily sex was never initiated, it was the longest relationship I had lasting 28 days, that was to be my last relationship, all partners had used me to cheat on their partners, but in a way, although I felt bad for the cheated partner, I guess I was releived to not have another relationship, the pressure was off, I was happy, happier still when I asked why the relationship had ended, the reply I got made me realise that I was going to be single, no sex, no pressures, no having to put up with all the stresses of why ni kids, why the relationship wasn't working, that was back in 91, it wasn't until 2007 when, whilst off work, I bought a computer, I googled "I don't want sex" it bought me to this site where I'm still learning to this day about myself, about asexuality and the likes.

 

I hope you get along well on here, take care

[3Xi3X]

So nice! My mother would call that a tear jerker. I don’t cry though. (Too manly 😋). 

 

::heart pounding::

 

Thank you for sharing. Now you can live a new life in a way, and however you want to.

 

But first, eat.

 

[Guest]

@3Xi3XThank you! 

 

It does feel like I can live in a new way now.  

 

The cake looks lovely! 😀

[Guest]

1 hour ago, oldgeeza said:

Hi, welcome and thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find all the answers you're looking for, the people here are fantastic, extremely helpful and they will happily offer any advice you may need or even tell of their experiences too, I hope you like it here and good luck.

 

It sounds like you are a little younger than I am, but grew up in the 80's, the time when, well at least in my experience, you were gay or straight, if you weren't married by a certain age, you were seen as gay, this was unacceptable back then, and, alike to me, it took you into your 40's to discover that there were others who felt similar to you and that there was a term for it, I must admit, my way of getting around the relationship thing was work, I've never been into the religion thing, I know a lot of people who are, but again, that wasn't my thing. I come from a very dysfunctional background, my family didn't work, they relied on my income to support the home, pay the bills etc, so it was easy for me to get out of relationships, I had a few, none of them lasted more than a few weeks, I tried sex due to peer pressure and I didn't like it, I shrivelled up after a few seconds, afterwards, I'd be sick, then light up a cigarette to calm myself, I only had two sexual partners, in total I probably only had sex a handful of times, I hated it, in fact I dreaded it, so much so that from the age of 19 to 23 I never had another relationship, then at 23, a relationship just happened, luckily sex was never initiated, it was the longest relationship I had lasting 28 days, that was to be my last relationship, all partners had used me to cheat on their partners, but in a way, although I felt bad for the cheated partner, I guess I was releived to not have another relationship, the pressure was off, I was happy, happier still when I asked why the relationship had ended, the reply I got made me realise that I was going to be single, no sex, no pressures, no having to put up with all the stresses of why ni kids, why the relationship wasn't working, that was back in 91, it wasn't until 2007 when, whilst off work, I bought a computer, I googled "I don't want sex" it bought me to this site where I'm still learning to this day about myself, about asexuality and the likes.

 

I hope you get along well on here, take care

Thank you, I love this site so far. It does help so much to hear other stories and that other people feel the same way. 

 

You're right, I did grow up in the 80s and I remember it like that too, it was possible to come out as gay but still rare and not seen as acceptable. And there weren't any other options! It sounds as if you managed to escape some of the pressure, after some pretty bad experiences, but a shame it took so long to find out about asexuality. I can't believe I've only just come across this as well!! 

 

I feel like I can learn a lot here, maybe life does begin (sometime after) 40...! 

 

 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, motography said:

awesome! this self discovery is the best, and at least for me figuring out I am asexual felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. no more needing to fake being sexual (to yourself or others) and also knowing that there are other people out there going through the same stuff helped me become more comfortable with myself and feel not as isolated  

 

also if someone said this to me

I would have responded the exact same way as u because that is a wild statistic lol 
 

So true, the relief is huge!

 

Ha ha I know it's totally unbelieveable!

[Lichley]

Welcome! Well you know what they say: “Lies, damned lies, and statistics” ... or was it “63% of statistics are made up on the spot”  

[NickyTannock]

@Newperson I welcomed you in the 'I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!' thread, but I want to welcome you here as well, and I'm late doing so. A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm not religious, but my family are very, and that's kept me from coming out to them as Asexual for about 20 years.

I'm happy that for you, new doors have opened.

 

Here's a Floral Vegan Cake,

[will123]

On 7/21/2019 at 11:37 AM, Newperson said:

I am grateful that I got to be a mother, but now my child is 17 maybe this is my time, to start basing my life on the firm foundation that can come from knowing and understanding who I am. I've been single and celibate for over 5 years now, I'm a little lonely but so glad I discovered this before I made any more stupid mistakes in life .

welcome to AVEN!  

 

Is celibate a good choice of words? Celibacy is a conscious decision/effort to not have sex. Asexuals inherently don't want to have sex (my interpretation). Did you decide not to have sex, or just stop (i know it doesn't make sense)?

[will123]

On 7/21/2019 at 1:43 PM, oldgeeza said:

Hi, welcome and thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find all the answers you're looking for, the people here are fantastic, extremely helpful and they will happily offer any advice you may need or even tell of their experiences too, I hope you like it here and good luck.

 

It sounds like you are a little younger than I am, but grew up in the 80's, the time when, well at least in my experience, you were gay or straight, if you weren't married by a certain age, you were seen as gay, this was unacceptable back then, and, alike to me, it took you into your 40's to discover that there were others who felt similar to you and that there was a term for it, I must admit, my way of getting around the relationship thing was work, I've never been into the religion thing, I know a lot of people who are, but again, that wasn't my thing. I come from a very dysfunctional background, my family didn't work, they relied on my income to support the home, pay the bills etc, so it was easy for me to get out of relationships, I had a few, none of them lasted more than a few weeks, I tried sex due to peer pressure and I didn't like it, I shrivelled up after a few seconds, afterwards, I'd be sick, then light up a cigarette to calm myself, I only had two sexual partners, in total I probably only had sex a handful of times, I hated it, in fact I dreaded it, so much so that from the age of 19 to 23 I never had another relationship, then at 23, a relationship just happened, luckily sex was never initiated, it was the longest relationship I had lasting 28 days, that was to be my last relationship, all partners had used me to cheat on their partners, but in a way, although I felt bad for the cheated partner, I guess I was releived to not have another relationship, the pressure was off, I was happy, happier still when I asked why the relationship had ended, the reply I got made me realise that I was going to be single, no sex, no pressures, no having to put up with all the stresses of why ni kids, why the relationship wasn't working, that was back in 91, it wasn't until 2007 when, whilst off work, I bought a computer, I googled "I don't want sex" it bought me to this site where I'm still learning to this day about myself, about asexuality and the likes.

 

I hope you get along well on here, take care

I was 19 when the 80s rolled around. You can add bisexuality to my knowledge of sexual preferences.

 

All along I thought I was straight because I wasn't the other two. That being said, I was never sexually intimate with a girl, nor had a girlfriend. Mind you I did find females attractive.  It wasn't until 2005 when I was 44 that I found out about asexuality and it fit me to a T!

[oldgeeza]

6 hours ago, will123 said:

I was 19 when the 80s rolled around. You can add bisexuality to my knowledge of sexual preferences.

 

All along I thought I was straight because I wasn't the other two. That being said, I was never sexually intimate with a girl, nor had a girlfriend. Mind you I did find females attractive.  It wasn't until 2005 when I was 44 that I found out about asexuality and it fit me to a T!

Where I was living, they were (and still are), very narrow minded people, I never heard of bisexuality, if you thought of anyone of the same gender, you were gay, there was no bisexuality, I would think, if you went to that part of the world now, they'd still be the same. I know from recent experiences that racism is still rife there.

 

It was two years after you, I discovered the term asexual, like you, it fitted me T

[Guest]

8 hours ago, will123 said:

welcome to AVEN!  

 

Is celibate a good choice of words? Celibacy is a conscious decision/effort to not have sex. Asexuals inherently don't want to have sex (my interpretation). Did you decide not to have sex, or just stop (i know it doesn't make sense)?

Thank you! 

 

Not sure about my choice of words! I think I'm possibly sort of demisexual rather than asexual but as a rule I do not want to have sex. I'm not averse but have tolerated it/tried to like it for the sake of a relationship;. Last time was when considering getting back together with my (ex) husband and that clinched my decision - as in, I consciously thought 'I am never ever doing this again', which meant that we were not getting back together. 

 

Since then I have avoided like the plague any kind of situation where sex might be an expectation, in fact I have practically become a hermit outside of work! And this has been a semi conscious decision..So I still don't know. I feel like it's both!!

[oldgeeza]

18 minutes ago, Newperson said:

Thank you!

 

Not sure about my choice of words! I think I'm possibly sort of demisexual rather than asexual but as a rule I do not want to have sex. I'm not averse but have tolerated it/tried to like it for the sake of a relationship;. Last time was when considering getting back together with my (ex) husband and that clinched my decision - as in, I consciously thought 'I am never ever doing this again', which meant that we were not getting back together.

 

Since then I have avoided like the plague any kind of situation where sex might be an expectation, in fact I have practically become a hermit outside of work! And this has been a semi conscious decision..So I still don't know. I feel like it's both!!

@NewpersonI was a hermit outside of work, but I have some real good friends who accept me for who I am, I don't get asked if I'm going to find myself a partner, there's no hope of me ever finding a partner due to my life circumstances, but I won't let it stop me having a life, in actual fact, I probably have a better life than 99% of my partnered friends

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, oldgeeza said:

@NewpersonI was a hermit outside of work, but I have some real good friends who accept me for who I am, I don't get asked if I'm going to find myself a partner, there's no hope of me ever finding a partner due to my life circumstances, but I won't let it stop me having a life, in actual fact, I probably have a better life than 99% of my partnered friends

I would love people to stop asking me when I'm going to start dating! I'm trying to work out how to negotiate all of this with the outside world, but I'm feeling some hope now that there is a way. 

 

I agree re having a better life - a lot of partnered people are not happy..Yet everyone acts as if it's the be all and end all..

[will123]

4 hours ago, Newperson said:

I would love people to stop asking me when I'm going to start dating! I'm trying to work out how to negotiate all of this with the outside world, but I'm feeling some hope now that there is a way. 

 

I agree re having a better life - a lot of partnered people are not happy..Yet everyone acts as if it's the be all and end all..

My brother once commented about me not having to deal with any drama due to my 'singleness'.

 

Years ago a co-worker who was in the midst of a divorce once commented about other co-workers (all male) saying how difficult it must be for me to be perpetually single. He told me he told them that I could more or less do what I want, when I wanted...

[oldgeeza]

4 hours ago, Newperson said:

I would love people to stop asking me when I'm going to start dating! I'm trying to work out how to negotiate all of this with the outside world, but I'm feeling some hope now that there is a way.

 

I agree re having a better life - a lot of partnered people are not happy..Yet everyone acts as if it's the be all and end all..

I think the best way to get around the question is to, if you can, tell those around you that you are asexual, (I was actually very surprised at the reaction I received from those around me), or, as you're over here in the overpriced UK, tell them you need to get your life together before you can start to think of involving others life, you want to get a home of your own, get your home up together, you want to get a more stable job or career, there are many ways to shun this question.

 

In my line of work, I've seen more divorces than I care to mention, for me, the single life works better

[will123]

1 hour ago, oldgeeza said:

 

In my line of work, I've seen more divorces than I care to mention, for me, the single life works better

Someone else  that has seen the same 

 

Around 2000 before I knew I was asexual a friend I knew from work (different trade and department) and his wife split up. A cousin of his was a childhood friend of mine. 

 

While visiting the cousin who lived several hours away, the divorce was brought up in conversation. I told them that it came as a complete surprise.

 

Monday morning as I was getting ready to drive home, Lois asked me why I never had a girlfriend (they had been together/married about 18 years). My friend had headed out the night before (he was a truck driver). I did a bit of math in my head and told her that of the 15 or so guys on my shift in my department, half of them were divorced/separated...

 

Since I identified as asexual I have felt that what I told her that morning was a lie. At the time I didn't know myself why I was single, but what I said was the only thing I could think of.

 

Ever since I made the decision to come out as asexual to certain friends, I've really struggled whether or not to tell her (or both of them)  that I'm aro ace. They are mildly religious and live in a smallish city 'off the beaten path' so to speak. I would imagine that exposure to anyone not heterosexual would be limited and they might not understand.

[oldgeeza]

@will123when I told my friends, I honestly didn't know what to expect, especially as my family weren't very supportive, I guess that that's when I found out who my true friends and family really are, even though they may not understand how someone can be asexual, they've never judged me by my sexuality, they've taken me for who I am

[Guest]

1 hour ago, oldgeeza said:

I think the best way to get around the question is to, if you can, tell those around you that you are asexual, (I was actually very surprised at the reaction I received from those around me)

Yes, I really want to do this, it's a bit complicated because I have a 17 year old daughter. In fact I think it's partly the questions she's been asking me ('what's your type/what kind of men do you fancy?' 'why don't you start going on dates?') that made me decide to actually look this up the other day! 

 

I think I've practically told her anyway, i say things like 'I'm just the kind of person that is happy on my own', 'I don't feel any need to be in a relationship', and even 'you know how some people are really into sex? Well I'm just not that bothered.' I don't worry that she wouldn't accept it (or me) because we are close - but she wouldn't cope with any kind of outside pressure (like her friends thinking I'm weird etc) so I'm still working out how to navigate that! 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, will123 said:

My brother once commented about me not having to deal with any drama due to my 'singleness'.

 

Years ago a co-worker who was in the midst of a divorce once commented about other co-workers (all male) saying how difficult it must be for me to be perpetually single. He told me he told them that I could more or less do what I want, when I wanted...

All through school and university, I was the person that everyone used to confide in about their relationship dramas. I never had any of my own. I used to feel sorry for them that they got so worked up about all of this stuff, and I did feel a bit superior sometimes. (Until I ended up in relationships and oh boy did I make a blundering mess of them!!)

 

Also I swear when I got out of my marriage there was a little bit of jealousy from some of my friends who were stuck with husbands, kids and all the housework etc...

[will123]

4 minutes ago, Newperson said:

Yes, I really want to do this, it's a bit complicated because I have a 17 year old daughter. In fact I think it's partly the questions she's been asking me ('what's your type/what kind of men do you fancy?' 'why don't you start going on dates?') that made me decide to actually look this up the other day! 

 

I think I've practically told her anyway, i say things like 'I'm just the kind of person that is happy on my own', 'I don't feel any need to be in a relationship', and even 'you know how some people are really into sex? Well I'm just not that bothered.' I don't worry that she wouldn't accept it (or me) because we are close - but she wouldn't cope with any kind of outside pressure (like her friends thinking I'm weird etc) so I'm still working out how to navigate that! 

If and when you come out to your daughter, maybe you could ask her to keep it to herself. Tell her that you keep your asexuality close to the chest and it's not something you want broadcast to the world.

 

Has she said anything about her friends asking/commenting on your 'singleness'? 

 

And yes I can just imagine how teenagers in today's world would react to a friend's disclosure that a parent wasn't interested in sex...

[Guest]

1 minute ago, will123 said:

If and when you come out to your daughter, maybe you could ask her to keep it to herself. Tell her that you keep your asexuality close to the chest and it's not something you want broadcast to the world.

 

Has she said anything about her friends asking/commenting on your 'singleness'? 

 

And yes I can just imagine how teenagers in today's world would react to a friend's disclosure that a parent wasn't interested in sex...

No, I don't think that they comment; what I get from her is that she worries about me being alone, especially when she leaves home.  To them I'm probably way past it anyway! But there again all of her friends' divorced parents have coupled up again..

 

It's kind of accepted amongst her friend group that I'm a bit weird (for example being vegan!) but I don't want to push it! But I guess if I was coming out to my family and anyone locally, she'd have to know. 

 

[will123]

58 minutes ago, Newperson said:

No, I don't think that they comment; what I get from her is that she worries about me being alone, especially when she leaves home.  To them I'm probably way past it anyway! But there again all of her friends' divorced parents have coupled up again..

 

It's kind of accepted amongst her friend group that I'm a bit weird (for example being vegan!) but I don't want to push it! But I guess if I was coming out to my family and anyone locally, she'd have to know. 

 

Oh that sounds much better than I thought 

[will123]

3 hours ago, oldgeeza said:

@will123when I told my friends, I honestly didn't know what to expect, especially as my family weren't very supportive, I guess that that's when I found out who my true friends and family really are, even though they may not understand how someone can be asexual, they've never judged me by my sexuality, they've taken me for who I am

I'm pretty sure what my family's reaction would be so I have NO intention in telling them.

 

The friends that I have told are either very close to me or have commented in some way about my situation. Even though they hadn't heard of asexuality, they were completely cool with my decision to identify as asexual . I was really happy when they responded in such a positive way. Two of them said the same thing in separate times when I came out, "As long as you're happy, that's all that matters".

[Fox on the run]

13 hours ago, Newperson said:

I would love people to stop asking me when I'm going to start dating! I'm trying to work out how to negotiate all of this with the outside world, but I'm feeling some hope now that there is a way. 

 

I agree re having a better life - a lot of partnered people are not happy..Yet everyone acts as if it's the be all and end all..

Hello and 

welcome New person nice to meet you 😊

a lot of my married friends are so damn unhappy but there stuck and too afraid to be alone so they abuse alcohol and drugs just to get them Thur there days😔 what a crappy way to live. What’s even worse is most of my married friends don’t know that I’m asexual and then I get there pathetic husbands hitting on me. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I live in a small town and there are a lot of Gay people but as far as asexual most of them wouldn’t even know what that means. Lol small towns can be very close minded as someone mentioned. 

I too get asked a lot when I’m going to get back out there, trust me I would really enjoy to be dating but it’s alot having to explain who you are and some men think they can convert you as well. Lol 

 

[Fox on the run]

6 hours ago, Newperson said:

No, I don't think that they comment; what I get from her is that she worries about me being alone, especially when she leaves home.  To them I'm probably way past it anyway! But there again all of her friends' divorced parents have coupled up again..

 

It's kind of accepted amongst her friend group that I'm a bit weird (for example being vegan!) but I don't want to push it! But I guess if I was coming out to my family and anyone locally, she'd have to know. 

 

I have a son who’s in the military he’s about 3.5hrs from where I live and he too worries about me being alone and he’s always trying to get me on dating sites or apps. Lol he means well but I haven’t discussed this with him maybe if he was a female but not this so I just keep telling him I’m good and if it’s meant to be it will and to STOP worrying about me. Lol it’s just the two of us he lost his father 5 yrs ago so I think he worries more and figures if there’s someone in my life he can stop worrying or not. Lol 

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Fox on the run said:

 

 

 

12 hours ago, Fox on the run said:

Hello and 

welcome New person nice to meet you 😊

a lot of my married friends are so damn unhappy but there stuck and too afraid to be alone so they abuse alcohol and drugs just to get them Thur there days😔 what a crappy way to live. What’s even worse is most of my married friends don’t know that I’m asexual and then I get there pathetic husbands hitting on me. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I live in a small town and there are a lot of Gay people but as far as asexual most of them wouldn’t even know what that means. Lol small towns can be very close minded as someone mentioned. 

I too get asked a lot when I’m going to get back out there, trust me I would really enjoy to be dating but it’s alot having to explain who you are and some men think they can convert you as well. Lol 

 

Hi nice to meet you too! 

Ugh about the husbands, can imagine it! It would be so much easier if people had heard of it, and actually understood/believed it.

I've tried so many ways to explain myself to people I'm not even sure that this label would help but it certainly helps me.

I live in a big city but still in the suburb I grew up in, I'd love to get out and maybe be will one day!

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Fox on the run said:

I have a son who’s in the military he’s about 3.5hrs from where I live and he too worries about me being alone and he’s always trying to get me on dating sites or apps. Lol he means well but I haven’t discussed this with him maybe if he was a female but not this so I just keep telling him I’m good and if it’s meant to be it will and to STOP worrying about me. Lol it’s just the two of us he lost his father 5 yrs ago so I think he worries more and figures if there’s someone in my life he can stop worrying or not. Lol 

Aw bless him! It is so sweet when kids start to feel responsible for us..

It's a very similar situation. with me and my daughter, just the two of us. It's probably easier to talk as she's female.

A lot of her friends have rich step dad's so I think she likes that idea haha! I've told her forget it!! 😃

[Fox on the run]

9 hours ago, Sea horse said:

Aw bless him! It is so sweet when kids start to feel responsible for us..

It's a very similar situation. with me and my daughter, just the two of us. It's probably easier to talk as she's female.

A lot of her friends have rich step dad's so I think she likes that idea haha! I've told her forget it!! 😃

I totally understand on that statement the more money the more demanding they are. Lol my son’s dad was very wealthy and he died at 52 a lot of stress in his life.