How to explain asexuality to an allosexual

[crazy ace]

I'm trying to come out to a friend of mine, but he doesn't understand what I mean when I state that I don't feel sexual attraction, or that I have felt romantic attraction. He says that I am either lying or haven't found the right person or am celibate. Any suggestions for how I can explain asexuality to someone?

[everywhere and nowhere]

It's quite a stereotypic response, but everyone has people they don't find attractive. Pansexuals, too, are not sexually attracted to everyone, just capable of being sexually attracted to people of any gender. So you could ask him to think of someone he's not attracted to (even easier if he's monosexual) and say: "And I feel this way about everyone". If he brings up the "right person" argument, you can say that you don't feel any desire to have sex with anyone.

Being romantic also helps here: you can say that even if you're in love with someone, it doesn't make you desire sex with that person.

[Guest]

You see, it's quite simple: sex is like cherries. Personally, I don't like cherries at all. It's just the way I am. And I don't need to eat them to know I don't like them. Some people, however, like cherries because that's just the way they are. And I'm fine with that. 😁

[3Xi3X]

Hm. Kind of a tough one for me because I only told my best friend so far (besides my mom and sister) and they all know me pretty well so when I explained it sort of just fell into place over what I have been trying to describe for years.

 

But... I don’t know. Maybe craving food could be used as a metaphor. People crave certain foods at certain times. But you could be like “Yeah, you crave chocolate, I NEVER do.” Or something? Haha.

[AceMissBehaving]

I go with  “I feel attracted to people in a way that makes me want to have a more intimate connection with them, but for me sex just isn’t part of that equation” and if they ask “how do you know if you haven’t tried it?” Ask them how they knew they wanted to try it, and point out the fact that you haven’t felt that way should be a good indicator that it’s probably not for you.

[everywhere and nowhere]

21 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

and if they ask “how do you know if you haven’t tried it?” Ask them how they knew they wanted to try it, and point out the fact that you haven’t felt that way should be a good indicator that it’s probably not for you.

That's it. Some time ago I wrote how "not feeling comfortable with the idea of having sex" is enough to qualify as "not liking sex". If someone realises that they simply don't want to have sex, it's fully valid - and, in fact, the best solution (because, repeat over and over, nobody should have unwanted sex) - to never "give it a try". Asexuals are free to declare their identity without having tried sex.

[Alejandrogynous]

39 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

It's quite a stereotypic response, but everyone has people they don't find attractive. Pansexuals, too, are not sexually attracted to everyone, just capable of being sexually attracted to people of any gender. So you could ask him to think of someone he's not attracted to (even easier if he's monosexual) and say: "And I feel this way about everyone".

Pretty much this. Or, "I feel about everyone the same way a straight person feels about their same gender." Since you have felt romantic feelings, you could emphasize that it doesn't matter how much you like someone, love someone, think they're awesome, attractive, etc. That sexual connection just isn't there. None of those feelings translate into wanting sex with them.

 

As for finding the right person, I usually just shrug and say, "Maybe. But it hasn't happened yet so I'm going to just keep operating under this assumption till it does, sooo." ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Granted, it helps that I'm older and have had enough experiences that it's harder for people to dismiss that, but even if you're young, there's something to be said for acknowledging that you don't know the future, maybe you haven't met the right person yet, maybe [insert infinite maybe scenarios here], but until that happens, if it ever happens, this is who you are. And they should respect that.

 

But at the end of the day, some people just won't get it and we can't control that. And if your friend thinks proving you wrong is more important than supporting you even if he doesn't understand, he's probably not a very good friend. Just be happy and people can think whatever they want.

[Ringmaster04]

I've often framed it in terms of seeing / meeting an attractive person at a club / bar and asking my friend whether he's ever pictured himself having sex with that person or maybe he's even talked to them with the thought that "maybe we hit it off and something develops, but more likely I just get invited back to her place". That's not a thought I've ever had and to me, that's the manifestation of sexual attraction. My friend got it right away because after initially getting defensive and saying "no, I think a lot about the romantic stuff too" I explained to him that you can think about both, but if the possibility of just going to her place for a one night stand is in your head and you're okay with or excited about it, that's the difference. 

 

I've also used watching porn as a framing mechanism. I'm fairly sex repulsed, so after consuming enough porn to firmly nail down my orientation, I stopped entirely, but I confirmed with a couple friends that when they watch porn, they kinda picture themselves in the position of one of the participants. So while I'm just wondering when the guy will put his clothes back on and fix the goddamn refrigerator, they're fully engaged in the scene as if they were the repairman. This worked fairly well despite some initial denials from them. 

 

The harder part was explaining arousal. Still perfecting that one, but I usually just say that the things I like are still the things I like and my body is going to react to them, but if it goes too far down a sexual path, my brain tries to get away from it and my body isn't far behind.

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

If someone asked me how I knew I didn't want sex if I've never tried it, I would proceed o ask them how they knew they didn't like the taste of their own feces if they've never tried it (assuming they don't like to eat feces and assuming they've never tried it). In reality, I know I wouldn't want to eat my own feces because of the smell (and other things) -- that would help me realize I wouldn't want to eat it. It's the same with sex. The "smell" of sex makes me realize I don't want to "eat" it.

 

Edit: I could also use a comparison that's in tune with my own interests: spirituality. Some of us practice different religions or spiritual belief systems and it's up to us to respect the belief systems of others without converting them. Sometimes I think people of "allosexual belief systems" try to "convert" those on the "asexual belief spectrum".

Edited July 21, 2019 by The Angel of Eternity
I added something else.

[Homer]

That doesn't really sound like a failure to understand tbh. They don't appear to believe you at all, otherwise they wouldn't have come up with the "lying" line. The other ones are decent starting points for an explanation, but oooft.

 

Usually their own sexuality works quite well. A hetero person might get it if you tell them "You know how you feel towards people of your own gender? That's how I feel towards everyone." Food analogies work well, too. You know how we have to pay attention not to binge on potato chips when we watch TV? That's celibacy. You know how you hate this food item and if someone told you that you could never have it again, you'd say "Okay, cool, whatever, shrug?"

[I'mTheDecoy]

Sometimes you can go round and round in circles on this one.  I agree with above that using their own sexuality as an analogy often helps for people who don't understand / or refuse to accept at all.  But I have a friend who is gay, but not that into sex, and he keeps saying that he must be asexual too.  But as soon as we start discussing it, right away he's like no of course I feel sexual attraction, so I'm like so not asexual then, yet next time the topic comes up he's back to saying he must be one too.  While my heterosexual QPR can't grasp the concept that some asexuals still have sex.  In fact, I just wrote a blog post about it this afternoon specially to try to help explain it to them.  I'm gonna share it here (and sorry if you think I didn't do a very good job of explaining)  https://imthedecoy.blogspot.com/2019/07/ace-101.html

[crazy ace]

4 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

... I have a friend who is gay, but not that into sex, and he keeps saying that he must be asexual too.  But as soon as we start discussing it, right away he's like no of course I feel sexual attraction, so I'm like so not asexual then, yet next time the topic comes up he's back to saying he must be one too. 

This. He (my friend) is a bit of a prude, and assumes I must be one as well.

Edited July 21, 2019 by crazy ace
Comment unclear

[AHAL]

I like to think about my asexuality as being the same as my vegetarianism:

I am vegetarian because I don't like meat. I don't have anything against eating meat, if other people want to eat meat then that's fine by me, just don't make me feel like I should eat meat. Quite often I will order a meal with meat in it (e.g. chicken curry) and just pick the meat out. I like the meal, I'm just don't want the meat.

And no, the smell of bacon doesn't make me wish I wasn't vegetarian. If it did then I would be choosing not to eat it but this isn't a choice, I just don't want the bacon. 

 

The great thing about being a vegetarian ace is if someone says the classic "so you're a plant?" response to my asexuality I can reply "Well you are what you eat"!

[I'mTheDecoy]

Aargh!  Okay, clearly I don't know how to explain sexuality after all.  Despite JUST writing a blog post specifically to explain asexuality to my allo friends, an old work acquaintance immediately commented on my facebook to invalidate my sexuality and say it was because I was a vegan.  W.T.A.F.  

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

On 7/21/2019 at 1:33 PM, I'mTheDecoy said:

Aargh!  Okay, clearly I don't know how to explain sexuality after all.  Despite JUST writing a blog post specifically to explain asexuality to my allo friends, an old work acquaintance immediately commented on my facebook to invalidate my sexuality and say it was because I was a vegan.  W.T.A.F.  

I don't think it was an ineptitude of explanation on your part. I actually think it's because they weren't willing to understand your explanations. I know, it gets to me, too, sometimes.

 

Here's an analogy that might make things easier:

I volunteer at a local recycling center in my city. One thing I've noticed there is that people put the wrong things into the wrong bins quite frequently. This is simply because they're not educated enough or paying attention to details. The manager there has told me that trying to explain every little detail to everyone about what goes where isn't worth it because it'd be exhausting and because some people aren't willing to understand. With that, I really only explain things to people who are willing to understand. I'd recommend doing the same in your life. If someone "puts something into the wrong bin" with regard to your identity, put it into the right bin by realizing that "people will be people." There will be people in life who won't be as educated as we want them to be and we must accept that. I'd only explain it to someone who has a genuine desire to understand your identity.