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Hello...this is me...I'm confused (there's a shocker. right)


chicgirl

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Hi...

I'm new...

I don't usually post in on-line boards (by usually, read ever) but this nice and anonymous and hopefully someone can give me some feedback since I'm a very confused person and I get wrapped up in my own head far too much.

Annnnyway. My sexual story.

I've been thinking/worrying/afraid I was either gay or asexual for like five years now.

I thought I was gay because I didn't really like guys the way my friends did and when I thought about the people who I was drawn to, they were mostly female. Especially two girls in my midde and high school a while ago who I became completely obsessed with. I would think about them allll the time, plan what I'd say to them, try to figure out ways to talk to them and be around them, want to know days in advance if they would be somewhere...I remember feeling sick on the last day of school before Christmas vacation because I knew I wouldn't see this one girl for two whole weeks!!!

Sounds sort of like a typical crush, doesn't it? I didn't really recognize it as such at the time, I just thought I was stupidly obsessed with these girls...until I realized I wasn't getting "crushes" on boys the way my friends were...and then I started thinking, "Shit, maybe this thing I feel for these girls is a crush...!?!?! OH MY GOD!!!" The thing was, I never wanted to kiss or have any sort of physical relationship with these girls I was so enthralled with. I mostly wanted to soak up there presence, I wanted to be like them, more than anything. They seemed confident or clever or a million things I felt I lacked, and so I sort of idolized them. Was it a crush? I still don't know. I eventually became best friends with one of my obsessions and nursed her through like eight crazy boyfriends...and I didn't hate the idea of her having boyfriends, I didn't feel jealous physically or anything like that...

Who knows?

Anyway. As I've gotten older I've become more and more afraid I'm gay -- afraid not cause it's a bad thing, but just because I know if that's true my life will be so much more difficult and complicated. And I don't want to be "different." I reeeallllly don't.

But at the same time, I'm really not sure I have any sexuality. I never feel a physical attraction to people, I don't think...I mean, I can be stunned by people's beauty, but I don't think about them touching me. I don't have sexual fantasies, definitely. Lately, I've sort of tried to feel sexual feelings...as I watch a movie with people in a love scene or something, I'll try to imagine being one of the people up there and how that would feel and sometimes I can imagine it feeling okay...but usually when I really think about bodily fluids I get pretty grossed out.

HOWEVER. While mostly my romantic inclinations (if that's even what they are) have been towards females, I still definitely have this thing about wanting to be attractive. I very very much want guys to think I'm pretty, want them to see me as a sexual being, want others to want me. In fact, the only thing that I think has ever really sexually excited me is the idea of being dominated; I find violence and force very sexy. Which highly disturbs me about myself. But that's a very very male image, and while I certainly don't find it "romantic"...it's the only thing I've ever felt that feels like what other people have described as arousal.

Is this making any sense? Any of it?

The last thing is this: I want to be an actress. I mean, I am an actress, and I'm training for it in school (I'm pretty good, I think, or I mean, I'm not that good, but I've had a fair amount of success and I looooove theater) but I'm terribly terribly afraid that if I don't have a sexual side I won't be able to. Soo soooo soooooo much of theater (not to mention the current state of the entertainment business) is about sexuality. I mean, love and sex are in almost every play, especially Shakespeare and the great ones -- and how can I play roles and characters fully if I'm missing this part of a self? How can I portray sexuality if I don't even really know what it is?

Or have I somehow blocked out my sexual side?

Or am I just overanalyzing?

Annnny thoughts at all would be terrific. If you could even make it through this, I know it's terribly long.

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Hi...

I'm new...

Hi! Welcome to the family.

...hopefully someone can give me some feedback...

I shall do my best.

They seemed confident or clever or a million things I felt I lacked, and so I sort of idolized them. Was it a crush? I still don't know.

Sounds like an a-crush to me. Around here, it's been typically defined as an intense desire to get to know someone better,and does not necessarily have to be of a romantic nature. It can mean wanting to talk to/about this person all the time, based on the idea that you feel this person has potential to become a good friend.

Anyway. As I've gotten older I've become more and more afraid I'm gay -- afraid not cause it's a bad thing, but just because I know if that's true my life will be so much more difficult and complicated. And I don't want to be "different." I reeeallllly don't.

I understand that sentiment. It is a scary thought, for certain.

I'll try to imagine being one of the people up there and how that would feel and sometimes I can imagine it feeling okay...but usually when I really think about bodily fluids I get pretty grossed out.

Been there, done that, didn't like it either.

...I still definitely have this thing about wanting to be attractive...I find violence and force very sexy. Which highly disturbs me about myself. But that's a very very male ...while I certainly don't find it "romantic"...it's the only thing I've ever felt that feels like what other people have described as arousal.

Is this making any sense? Any of it?

Yes. I understand the first sentiment more than the second. I sort of like the idea of people appreciating my physical form (though the idea of someone lusting after my body does weird me out.)

And about the violence kink...it's possible to be sexually stimulated by things without being attracted to people. Also, it's possible (but not necessary) this kink may be a simple fantasy situation - there are folks here who can "get off" to certain fantasies, but given the chance in real life, would find themselves in no way turned on, or even repulsed.

Soo soooo soooooo much of theater (not to mention the current state of the entertainment business) is about sexuality. I mean, love and sex are in almost every play, especially Shakespeare and the great ones -- and how can I play roles and characters fully if I'm missing this part of a self? How can I portray sexuality if I don't even really know what it is?

It's not necessary to feel something in order to relay a certain emotion to an audience. Maybe CatePerfect can explain this better than I.

Or have I somehow blocked out my sexual side?

*shrug* It's possible. Only you can know for sure. Occasionally repressed sexuals make it to the board, and eventually realize their own sexual identities. Which is perfectly fine. You're more than welcome to stay until you've figured that out, and you'd still be welcome to hang out with us if you decide you're not asexual after all. I would suggest looking at Information on Asexuality, the "Questions Asked by Asexual and Questioning People" FAQ, if you haven't already.

I know it's terribly long.

Pshaw! Your posts of epic length do not daunt me! :D Welcome to AVEN.

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i can completely relate to your description of crushes...no desire for anything physical, just a desire to be near those you like. this and other things. especially the nervousness over what same or opposite sex attraction might mean. i've been struggling with "what i am" now for ages, and i'm still waiting for one identiy or the other to click and make sense.

at any rate, welcome!

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To comment on the theatre thing: On stage it ain't no thang, sweetie. It's not real and it's rehearsed a thousand times and it's surreal because there are loads of people watching so it's not like anything truly grody can happen. I've done full nudity on stage, kissing and random other snuggly things and it's no biggie. In your mind it seems odd, but as soon as you rehearse it once you think, 'Oh, that's nothing.'

Welcome!

Cate

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Live R Perfect

Welcome to Aven, chicgirl. If you stick around a while I'm sure you'll find more useful advice and words of experience like the previous posts. :D

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Thanks for responding. :-)

It's kinda weird to think other people might ACTUALLY understand what I'm talking about...I'm so used to thinking I'm some sort of bizarre freak type creature. Hmmm. Gonna have to get used to this.

To Cate...

I know what you mean, of course, sex scenes/love scenes/whatever onstage is very different. I've done them and of course they're not the same as real intimacy. However, I always kind of feel like "I'm doing this wrong" or like it'll be completely obvious that I'm not really into it because I don't know what it's like to be into it. You know?

We're able to play things and discover things through rehearsal because we either can relate to them/can imagine them/can conceive them on some level and put ourselves there...but I really can't put myself into a sexual place. I don't think. Because i don't know what it is...so I'm always paranoid that that will read and I'll look false. And I just feel it limits my self expression and scope.

You haven't had this worry/experience?

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Not really, but I started doing scenes like that on stage when I was 15 or 16 so I got over the awkward bit when everyone my age was awkward. Now I just do what I've done in the past on stage. It's not like it's so different every time. Sex is repetitive, you know.

Cate

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(points at Cateperfect and jayann2002) They're way better at analyzing this kind of stuff than I am, so I'll just drop in as part of the backup welcoming comittee :mrgreen:

WELCOME TO AVEN!!!! :D Stick around and have a blast!!!

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*joins oogie in the welcoming committee* Welcome chicgirl! Hope you enjoy your time here! *throws confetti* Now where's Wombat and his crazy wombat dance?... :D

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I can relate to you on the a-crush bit. I really understand where that's coming from, and the fear of being different, but I think Julie summed it up quite nicely for me. :D Welcome to AVEN!

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Live R Perfect

*Calls Australia*

Liverlicker: Hello, Australia?

Stereotypical Ozzie Bloke: G'day mate!

Liverlicker: I need to put an urgent call out for a Mr. Wombat...

Stereotypical Ozzie Bloke: Sure thing, cobber! I bet ya wan'im to cam an' do a Wombat dance for ya, ay?

Liverlicker: Thats right, send him to Aven a.s.a.p!

Stereotypical Ozzie Bloke: Sure thing, mate...

*Clunk*

Sorted! :D

Note: The above events are in no way related to any real events, and the characters are purely fictional. Any resemblance to any real persons, whether living or dead, is entirely coincidental, and any accents mimicked are probably way off the mark. It was performed in the presence of qualified safety officers and viewers are advised not to not try this at home.

Edit: OMG!! :shock: :? Where the hell did I get the idea that Wombat was in Australia??! I just checked out his profile and he ain't! Apologies for the stupid mistake, Wombat.

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Welcome to AVEN, chicgirl :D Have a great time here :)

Your 'crushes' do sound like a-crushes :) also I can relate to wanting to be attractive :P

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wow, I could just hear that aussie accent liver!! :D jolly good guvuna, jolly good! *claps*

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Live R Perfect
!!!!! my goodness, you do dialects well! can you do an eliza doolittle (pre-intervention)?

Erm....well.........no! I think the Ozzie accent may be my only talent in this particular field. :roll: I'm still waiting for an Australian to read it and tear it to pieces, though! :wink:

wow, I could just hear that aussie accent liver!! jolly good guvuna, jolly good! *claps*

lol! yep, i expect that your english accent is probably as accurate as my Australian...i.e a total stereotype! :D

Thanks for the complements though! :D

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Welcome, welcome to AVEN, chicgirl! :D

I'm also an actor in training. ^_^ I wish I could offer you some advice on your acting dillema, but I've always steered clear of sexual and romantic parts in plays for that exact same reason. I always choose characters that don't seem to have any romantic interests, that way I don't have to try to fake a feeling that's completely foreign to me.

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what type of acting do you do, just dramatic stuff?

~~as for some reason(in a friendly manner) i am always attracted to comedian type people, especially improv types.....i think part of me wishes i could act or even be a comedian, but that type of stuff is pretty opposed to my quietness, and usually awkwardness.

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Why'd you think he was Aussie? Well, perhaps the word "wombat' would have something to do with it LOL

Welcome chicgirl, with many posts you've read, you'll see you're not alone.

Oh, Elizoya Doo-lih-oh, aw troy.

chicgirl, luv, daont you warry yer 'ead wif wot you 'ave or don't 'ave to do on staige, oy mean, it's aol acteen innit? Oi didn't think thaose big shot stars was gettin aol loik...reel passionate er anyfing annywhy.

***enough of that, it's not the dialect, it's the trying to SPELL things that's taking me forever to get this post done.

Anyway, (back to my non-descript Albertan-with-what-people-say-is-a-small-trace-of-leftover-Scottish-accent). The crushes, that's exactly what they sound like, A-crushes. I've still usually got one or two in my head at any time (I'm 41, well finished school and the era of worrying about what others think). I recognise them as crushes and know that it's not going to come to anything so there's no harm done. The only thing keeping me from telling them is that it'd probably freak them out, not understanding my orientation.

I can't remark on the domination thing but I DO say about it (and any other kink/fetish), is just like any other form of sex, if both parties are consenting then I have no place approving/disapproving. If you find someone else who is excited by it, presto, it's a match! (oh, I guess I DID remark on it, huh?)

Sharing of bodily fluids gross me out too. It's not wrong or right, it's just not something that turns me on.

In your search for exactly what you are - just keep reading the posts here (but avoid Gandalf, he's just fucking bizarre!). What we have in common here is the asexuality (some are asexual and some are trying to understand the orientation) but we're all very different people other than that. You'll find there's no 'classic' or 'standard' asexual, just like there's not a 'classic' or 'standard' gays/lesbian, only stereotypes.

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Live R Perfect
Why'd you think he was Aussie? Well, perhaps the word "wombat' would have something to do with it LOL

:oops: Yeah... I guess that must have had something to do with it, but I've just had it in my head that he was an Ozzie from the day I joined! Bizaare! Sorry Wombat! :D

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Hi chicgirl, Welcome to AVEN! :)

I can relate to being enthralled with certain people and at the same time not having desire for a physical relationship with them. And i similarly like the idea of being attractive.

take care and all the best to you!

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guardianoftheblind

Welcome chicgirl.

Say a nice guy told you he was attracted to you and pursued you romantically, would you turn him away?

If you are interested in learning more about dominance and submission, I can provide what I think are a couple of good online resources.

The accepting responses to the mention of a desire to be dominated is the attitude that keeps me posting here.

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VivreEstEsperer

Hi chicgirl! Welcome to AVEN! I understand all too well about the overanalyzing thing, I do it myself all the time! i drive myself up the wall!

Your experience sounds more or less typical of a lot of us here. To want to be in someone's presence and hang around them and feel really good when you're near them and all that, but not have any physical feelings, well I've had that experience and I think a lot of us have. It's also possible of course to want romance with someone but not sex. and it's possible just to have these little "friendship crushes" or whatever on people. At one point I thought I was gay for largely the same reason. But I decided absent the actual sexual feelings part that asexual was a better label for me. I used to try to imagine myself being sexual too and just couldn't. It doesn't make any sense to me.

Let me ask you one question about the acting aspirations. How do people in movies play cold blooded killers and psychopaths when they're not killers and psychopaths? They act like ones. How do gay people play straight characters and vice versa? They act. So I have confidence that you can, at least after you get over the squeamish factor of actually having to kiss people in plays, do a terrific job acting like you're in love with someone (because you know the facial expressions and all that to use, just imagine it's something you love, a passion of yours), you can act like you're in love and no one'll be able to tell the difference :)

so welcome again, hang around perhaps?

Kate

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Liverlicker: LMAO! What ho! Pip pip. By Jove, I do reckon your Ozzie accent mighta been a mite over the top, but we love you anyway.

Cate

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*Calls Australia*

Liverlicker: Hello, Australia?

Stereotypical Ozzie Bloke: G'day mate!

Liverlicker: I need to put an urgent call out for a Mr. Wombat...

Stereotypical Ozzie Bloke: Sure thing, cobber! I bet ya wan'im to cam an' do a Wombat dance for ya, ay?

Liverlicker: Thats right, send him to Aven a.s.a.p!

Stereotypical Ozzie Bloke: Sure thing, mate...

*Clunk*

Sorted! :D

Geeze! No-one ( apart from Mericans who want to fit in, or the bushies) speak like that! :P

Hmm.. though, the 'ay' thing depends on which state you're from. QLD'ers say it.

We dont really say mate... we would call wombat 'waz' or 'wazza', 'cam' is more NZ-erish than Aussie..

Cobber??? I've never heard anyone say that!

:lol:

And its Aussie. Or Oz. Not Ozzie.

*steps of proverbail high horse*

*I think I spelt proverbail wrong*

*actually, I know I did*

*bad me*

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Live R Perfect

:oops: Well, I got my come-uppance at last! :oops:

I won't do it again, promise! :wink:

BTW, some people in Britain do refer to Australia as Oz, and Australians as Ozzies.

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S'okay, Liverlicker. *pats you on the shoulder*

I can maim some English stuff, if you'd like, and you can correct me publicly. Would that make you feel better?

Cate

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Yeah, we call it Oz as well, but we dont spell it 'ozzies'. we pronounce it like that, but spell it 'aussie'

I have a _slight_ english accent as well. Yay me!

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Kez: How does one step off a high horse? Even a proverbial one? You'd need a stepstool. Or else you hafta, like, fall off. Just how high a horse are we talking here? If it's an especially high horse, I suppose you could belay yourself and repell down...

See what getting up on high horses does, people? For God's sake, just get on low horses.

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Live R Perfect
I can maim some English stuff, if you'd like, and you can correct me publicly. Would that make you feel better?

Cate

No... s'okay. It wouldn't be like the real thing - you know too much about it! I'll wait for someone else to make some stupid mistakes....and THEN I'll pounce! :twisted:

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