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Feeling Broken


will123

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As a teenager, I had "crushes" simply because it was something I was supposed to do. I didn't understand why all of my classmates suddenly liked each other, but I'd somehow reached the conclusion that "you're not in my immediate group of friends and looking at you doesn't make my eyes bleed" = crush.

 

I came across the term asexual at age fifteen, and for years it brought a sense of relief. I didn't feel like I was missing benchmarks anymore. It explained why, when the people in my classes were pointing fingers at people they liked or making bad jokes around their crushes, I just felt disconnected. So for the rest of high school, I didn't bother pretending to have crushes anymore. I also learned to stay in the closet, because it resulted in mostly negative reactions from every person I knew.

 

Eventually, everyone around me "grew up". Nobody I know offline really gets the concept of asexuality, I stay in the closet, and the notion that my asexuality is a by product of a personality disorder I was later diagnosed with and/or childhood trauma haunts my thoughts. Truthfully, I don't mind the idea of finding a platonic partner -- someone that I could spend a lot of time with and not feel any romantic or sexual obligations toward. I've entertained thoughts of "life would be easier if I weren't ace", "if I actually tried dating someone or having sex, maybe I would change my mind", and even conversion therapy, at certain dark points, but I can't imagine myself being involved with someone like that either. I hit a mental roadblock if I think about it for too long, like what I actually want isn't a relationship, but to feel "normal".

 

tl;dr The feeling of being broken seems to get worse as I get older.

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  • 2 months later...
BodhranBace

I know now that there is nothing wrong with me, but for years before I had heard of asexuality I thought I must be broken. Everything is so sexualized in media and society and if you don't feel/understand that then you are treated like there must be something wrong with you.  

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11 hours ago, Bodhranbitch@bAce said:

I know now that there is nothing wrong with me, but for years before I had heard of asexuality I thought I must be broken. Everything is so sexualized in media and society and if you don't feel that then you are treated like there must be something wrong with you.  

When I came out to a female friend (we'd know each other since our teens), she more or less echoed the bold, but in a reassuring way. "The world is so over-sexualized and not everyone is going to fit". She was completely understanding in my identifying as asexual.

 

I never felt broken as I thought I was OK in that I wanted to have sex with a female, but it didn't happen.

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Maybe I’m biased because of my own experience but I feel like it might be easier to escape feeling broken for those who are aro.  If relationships never happen, it can just be “putting your career first” or “haven’t met the right person.“ What you might (not) want to do if you were in one is easy enough to ignore.

 

It’s mostly in, or at least in avid pursuit of, relationships that the potential of something being wrong with you surfaces.

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2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Maybe I’m biased because of my own experience but I feel like it might be easier to escape feeling broken for those who are aro.  If relationships never happen, it can just be “putting your career first” or “haven’t met the right person.“ What you might (not) want to do if you were in one is easy enough to ignore.

 

It’s mostly in, or at least in avid pursuit of, relationships that the potential of something being wrong with you surfaces.

I think you might be onto something. I was always 'doing something' so maybe I didn't have time to think about my life.

 

Way back in my mind I thought at one point I would have sex, but I had more important things to concern myself with. Snowmobiling afterwork with co-workers, cutting firewood at our woodlot on the weekend....

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