Feeling Broken

[will123]

I posted elsewhere about how I don't like reading where folks use the term broken to describe themselves to describe their disinterest in sex. To me it t implies there is some 'truly' wrong with the person when in fact we're just like the next person but have better things to do with our spare time 

 

I never questioned my 'heterosexuality' if you want to call it that. I never wondered why I was like I was (a virgin) and not doing much about it in this sexual society of ours.

 

I just figured at some point I would have sex with a female and that would be that. Then one day I read a newspaper article about asexuality (and AVEN) and everything made sense.

 

To those of you that have used the term, was it while you were trying to figure out why you had no sexual attraction/desire/interest or after you found out about asexuality?

 

Were you eventually able to shed this feeling or is it still in the back of your mind?

[Notajellyfan]

I've identified as ace since the beginning of this year and I have had moments where I didn't feel 'normal'. This is mainly because all my friends can be quite, hmm. So I have asked them to stop referring to so many sex-related things but we're teenagers, so they sometime can't help themselves. They started to show each other stuff and wouldn't share with me, it made me feel confused. I wanted to be included but I'm not 'entertained' by anything they show each other. This made me feel like I was broken and I had my parents not believing that I could be Asexual. I was alone. But then I explained this to my friends and they started being more open and honest with me. I no longer feel that way and I'm proud of my Asexuality. Every now and then I wonder what would have made me this way but I still love myself and the Ace community. 

[certified_space_ace]

I think it's important to consider the context in which people are saying it. They're not saying "This is something I believe to be a truth about asexual people." It's a feeling, and sometimes feelings defy logic or good sense. It's like knowing that fat shaming is wrong and having no problem with your friends' various sizes and shapes, but still feeling fat and ugly yourself. You mind tells you that somehow you are the exception, you are broken, other people know what they're doing but there's still something wrong with you. As an asexual, I often feel broken because I have this deep loneliness and insecurity about being alone and I worry that being asexual means I'm going to be alone. But I don't look at other asexuals and think "Oh they must be lonely." I think "Why are they happy and I'm not? What's wrong with me?" It was definitely a feeling I had more before I knew about asexuality, but since discovering my orientation it's still something that lingers is the back of my mind. I hate to think that expressing that feeling could be hurtful to other asexuals. I truly love the community and think it is beautiful and strong. There's just something in me that still doesn't feel that way.

[3Xi3X]

28 minutes ago, will123 said:

To those of you that have used the term, was it while you were trying to figure out why you had no sexual attraction/desire/interest or after you found out about asexuality?

 

Were you eventually able to shed this feeling or is it still in the back of your mind?

I considered something might be “wrong” with me. I didn’t specifically think ‘broken’ but same concept. It was while I was confused and still trying to figure out why I seemed to view life, and including sex, differently than other people in my life. Same age or older.

 

Once I acknowledged in myself that I didn’t want or need sex. I was content with my self, even if I didn’t understand how it could be that I was the only one. That did make me wonder sometimes.

 

i do not feel broken or wrong or different at all anymore. Besides the fact that every person is like a snowflake, unique, I know that there is nothing wrong about me. 

 

I am am so glad to have found AVEN though.

[Zagadka]

Most of my teenage years weren't sexual at all. I did have a sexual (and romantic) relationship with a woman for a few years, but after that ended I did feel broken, and spent 5 years experimenting sexually (mostly without partners) trying to find something I was actually attracted to.

 

It simply never occurred to me to just not have sex. I just didn't know why I wasn't attracted to anyone, and figured I just hadn't met someone. The whole pressure to find a relationship really bothered me until I found out that it was acceptable to just... not. I was/am still aesthetically attracted to women, so that was extra confusing. I knew I liked how someone looked, but I never knew how I wasn't sexually attracted. For the longest time I just thought it was libido that was somehow just low for almost 2 decades. Either way, I'm happier now.

 

Just like, "nice cosplay, hm, I want some cake" and that is finally comfortable. No longer bothered by being turned off when someone makes something sexual. Having that not feel "wrong" is just indescribable.

[will123]

35 minutes ago, Zagadka said:

Most of my teenage years weren't sexual at all. 

 

 figured I just hadn't met someone.

 

The whole pressure to find a relationship really bothered me until I found out that it was acceptable to just... not. I was/am still aesthetically attracted to women, so that was extra confusing. I knew I liked how someone looked, but I never knew how I wasn't sexually attracted.

I'm still a virgin. Before I found out about asexuality I just thought I hadn't met the right person (female) to have sex with. I KNEW I wasn't gay as I had no interest in males.

 

While there was no pressure in my mind to be in a relationship, I did want to have sex! However I made no effort to meet any females. That being said I did find females attractive.

 

This was about the only bewilderments that I felt, but I didn't dwell on them.

 

If anything, I just put it down to inexperience and possibly some social awkwardness in why I wasn't a sexual person. I never got depressed or had any negative feelings about myself.

 

@AceQuinn

@certified_space_ace

@3Xi3X

 

I couldn't agree with you more on this community. I just wish I hadn't taken 12 years from when I knew about it to actually signing up and taking an active interest. 

 

When I found out about asexuality and AVEN back in 2005, I was quite relieved to know why I wasn't a sexual person and quite content to identify as asexual 

[Zagadka]

1 minute ago, will123 said:

If anything, I just put it down to inexperience and possibly some social awkwardness in why I wasn't a sexual person. I never got depressed or had any negative feelings about myself.

I think that is common. Well, some people (like me) do have negative feelings and seek something out, but assuming social anxiety and just waiting... this is why spreading knowledge that it is OK to not be sexual is important.

[will123]

15 minutes ago, Zagadka said:

 but assuming social anxiety and just waiting...

 

 

this is why spreading knowledge that it is OK to not be sexual is important.

Looking back it was almost as if my thoughts created a vicious circle. "I'm not sexually active because I'm inexperienced and I'm inexperienced because I'm not sexually active". 

 

(What follows is something I'm thinking but can't properly put words to) I think this planted the seed in my mind that if I thought a girl was attractive, my attempt to approach her would be a disaster so why bother trying to initiate anything?

 

Thoughts like this were probably the worst I had when I still thought I was straight.

[AceMissBehaving]

To be clear, broken isn’t a word I would use now at all, but in the past it was.

 

A lot of that is an age thing. My lack of interest in sex was already messing up my relationships at at a time before I even had reliable access to the internet, and before the early sites starting to talk about asexuality even existed. As a result for a long time it was always approached from the outside as just that, something broken that needed to be fixed. I didn’t have anything other than some trauma or medical issue presented as a possible reason. I didn’t know what I didn’t know in terms of how differently most sexual people felt from how I did, and the only thing I did know was that my not wanting sex was a huge stressor in my relationships, life in general, and a large component in a really dark period in my life. 

 

If asexuality had been something more people were discussing when I was younger, and if it had even been presented as an option, I don’t think I would have felt broken. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case, so I spent all my formative years not knowing there were other people like me, not knowing and so, broken is how I felt.

 

These days it’s getting more recognition which is awesome, but I think it can still take a lot of people quite a while to find out about it. Until it’s widely recognized and accepted, I think we’ll still a lot of aspec people feeling broken, because it’s hard not to when you think for so long that you’re the only one,

[will123]

@AceMissBehaving 

 

Yes as far as I knew people were hetero-, homo- or bisexual. So obviously I thought I was straight. No mention of people having no sexual attraction or persuasion.

 

You bring up a good point about the internet. My first access to it was in 1997. I soundly turned down sex with a female friend in 2001. I never had any thoughts or inclination to research why I wasn't interested in sex and it was only by accident in 2005 that I read a newspaper article that I discovered asexuality. If I had missed that day's paper who knows when I would've figured it out...

[Chihiro]

I never felt broken. Like something was wrong with me. But I have felt 'I dont belong here', or 'I am different than everyone else'.

[Homer]

I never felt "broken" either. Sex is just something I'm not interested in, just like anime or kpop or cooking or driving or DIY or... it's not something that's on my mind and it has zero significance on my ability to live my life as I want, so.

[œddy]

Not necessarily an ace thing, but definitely thought for a long time I was broken and something was wrong with me for being a virgin.

 

It really bothered me in my 20s, but only because someone would find out or I was truly missing out on something in life by not experiencing it. I went through a phase of forcing myself to date because being single "isn't normal" and relationships are part of becoming an adult. I think this hyper focus on something I ultimately didn't want was pretty damaging at the time.

 

Took well into my 30s and probably the discovery of this community just to see that it really doesn't fucking matter. Society will always have a stigma for it.

 

I'm definitely glad I never got caught up in the incel community, I was pretty misogynist when I was younger.

[mace_]

I never felt broken as well. I never understood why I should do something just because many other people are doing it. This probably kept me many times from trying to fit in where I simply don't. But I can say that I'm definitely feeling different than the majority of people.

[A Cool Fool]

-

[ben8884]

9 hours ago, will123 said:

I never questioned my 'heterosexuality' if you want to call it that. I never wondered why I was like I was (a virgin) and doing much about in this sexual society of ours.

 

I just figured at some point I would have sex with a female and that would be that. Then one day I read a newspaper article about asexuality (and AVEN) and everything made sense.

 

Thats basically how I was too. I kinda just figured that eventually it would just happen. Then I discovered asexuality and it kinda made sense. 

[will123]

13 hours ago, œddy said:

Not necessarily an ace thing, but definitely thought for a long time I was broken and something was wrong with me for being a virgin.

 

It really bothered me in my 20s, but only because someone would find out or I was truly missing out on something in life by not experiencing it. I went through a phase of forcing myself to date because being single "isn't normal" and relationships are part of becoming an adult. I think this hyper focus on something I ultimately didn't want was pretty damaging at the time.

 

Took well into my 30s and probably the discovery of this community just to see that it really doesn't fucking matter. Society will always have a stigma for it.

 

I'm definitely glad I never got caught up in the incel community, I was pretty misogynist when I was younger.

I had only a passing knowledge of the initial 'spree' of the founder a few years ago. Then it came to the forefront of discussion after the Yonge Street van attack in Toronto a year ago April (I was in a different part of the city that day). I saw one thread on AVEN discussing the movement just afterwards. Then searching for something not to long ago I came across another thread. It is a really horrible mindset! Somehow it came up during one of my meet ups last week. I said that I hoped (along with others) that people wouldn't lump asexual males in with this group of 'misfits' (and that's putting it mildly). I think broken would be a good way to describe them for being so angry and misguided in their thoughts.

 

I never once blamed anyone else for my lack of sexual activity or companionship.

[will123]

10 hours ago, A Cool Fool said:

Growing up, I was raised in a home that was more sheltered than I had believed it to be, so I had just assumed that people didn't think about or desire sex. Little did I know that I was in the minority. I never personally saw myself as broken until people around me started suggesting that something was wrong with me for not being interested in sex.

The insecurity only developed after other people pointed it out, and thankfully I've grown past it but it was ignorance from others and an ignorance on my part that led to me thinking the way I did about myself. 

 

I think like @AceMissBehaving said, if there had been more information readily available surrounding this subject when I was growing up, it would have made it easier. The people around me at the time would have likely been less confused, and at the least, I would have had an understanding of why I was the way I was/am. 

How many of you have ever seen it referenced on mainstream TV? It was mentioned in passing during an episode of NCIS in 2018 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7583318/?ref_=ttep_ep2. That is the only time I've have actually caught a TV show that discussed it. (A character mentions it and explains what an asexual is).

 

Then there is the (horrible in my opinion) episode of The View with David Jay. I watched it on Youtube soon after seeing it referenced on AVEN. I knew of David Jay and AVEN as they were mentioned in the article I read back in 2005 that led me to identifying as asexual. The reaction of the cast and audience to asexuality was brutal. They treated it like it was a big joke. If a female guest had been treated in the same manner by a male interviewer, it would've been front page news, all over TV and the internet...

 

If anyone questioning their sexuality (leaning towards asexuality) was watching it specifically to see what he had to say, they would've be sorely disappointed. I could see why they would be afraid of the same reaction from the general public.

[KeKatCookie]

. 

[will123]

2 hours ago, KeKatCookie said:

I didn't feel broken, until my teens. When I realised that sexual attraction was a thing and I...didn't have it. 

 

I kinda just assumed it was another weird thing about me, but it still hurt a little, especially when people called me weird for not wanting a relationship. 

 

When I found out about asexuality everything just felt right. And I knew I wasn't broken. 

People in this sexual society made me feel that way, but I truly know that I'm not. 

 

So yeah, I did feel 'broken' for a little bit. But not anymore. 

 

My friends never said anything to me about me not regaling them with tales of sexual exploits or not having a steady girlfriend.

 

The same can't be said about my sister in law. She didn't seem to mind telling my mother her thoughts. When she asked my parents why I wasn't at their house for the weekend, my mother said I was at Tonia's for the weekend. Snidely she responded, "Well nothing's happening there!" Tonia is a girl I met when I still thought I was straight. It was a year or so afterwards that I realized I was asexual. We're still friends and I finally came out to her this past January. She was fine with it. I told her that my reasoning for telling her is that it probably would explain why certain things never happened between us and why I sometimes acted the way I did.

 

Then a few years later just after my father passed away (sister in law acted a complete bitch because there was no visitation or funeral) my mother told me that the bitch in question had told her I was gay.

 

So now some of you will now know why I have no interest in coming out to the family. In her books if a person is 'different' they're automatically gay. I can't imagine what her thoughts and/or opinion of a person who had no sexual attraction to either gender would be.

[KoiFishShoes]

I never felt "broken." That was the term my ex used to refer to me, as well as "wired backward." I did some medical exploration in case there actually was something wrong, but I am not broken and never was.

 

(I do tend to encourage people to get medically checked out if they don't already get regular exams, just so they have something to work from. In my case, I was very glad I did so because I found out I had a septate hymen, which was easily fixed.)

[BambooRiver]

I've never really understood this "broken" mentality for not being sexually attracted to people. I never understood why being a "virgin" was such a bad thing. I take great pride in being a virgin and my asexuality. Before I found the term asexual and found others like me, I was perfectly content if I was the only one of my kind. I just knew I was me and I didn't have to do or feel anything I didn't want to. I was (am still) extremely stubborn and I wasn't about to let any one shame me for who I am. I am a pro at cutting people out of my life. Snip snip. 

 

I understand if you feel alone and that no one understands or supports you and you're stuck in a family that makes you feel belittled. That sucks. But that's not your fault. That's on them and their closed off minds and sheep mentality where everyone needs to be a certain way to be "normal". Why is being asexual so evil or so weird to people, I literally will never understand that. Nobody should feel broken for being asexual. If anyone makes you feel that way I will fight them, someone hold my phone. (I kid btw, sort of)

[J.CAce]

I feel broken.

i don’t really have much to add.

[firebird8]

On 7/20/2019 at 9:54 PM, will123 said:

I posted elsewhere about how I don't like reading where folks use the term broken to describe themselves to describe their disinterest in sex. To me it t implies there is some 'truly' wrong with the person when in fact we're just like the next person but have better things to do with our spare time 

 

I never questioned my 'heterosexuality' if you want to call it that. I never wondered why I was like I was (a virgin) and not doing much about it in this sexual society of ours.

 

I just figured at some point I would have sex with a female and that would be that. Then one day I read a newspaper article about asexuality (and AVEN) and everything made sense.

 

To those of you that have used the term, was it while you were trying to figure out why you had no sexual attraction/desire/interest or after you found out about asexuality?

 

Were you eventually able to shed this feeling or is it still in the back of your mind?

I've used broken, though as far as I can recall not about this. Alien was more common for me for many years; I felt so different that I felt alien to everyone I knew. Coming to use the term asexual has been very healing for me because I can accept the things that are different in this area for me and I don't have to be trying to fix them. Of course, I'm basically content with my life so if I can accept that this is really who I am, that is a really good thing because I don't have to be trying to fix it. I've been struggling for several years trying to figure out why I was still depressed given I liked my life (therapy+meds are also important here, lol).

 

I imagine people who are struggling with feeling broken are not happy with where things are at for them, so accepting it as a permanent part of themselves is more discouraging than freeing. In the long run, it might be useful to accept what is the truth about one's self and look at what parts of life are changeable and find ways to make them what we want them to be, instead of trying to fix things that aren't going to change, but that's a personal journey each person will take differently. 

[will123]

21 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

I've used broken, though as far as I can recall not about this. Alien was more common for me for many years; I felt so different that I felt alien to everyone I knew. Coming to use the term asexual has been very healing for me because I can accept the things that are different in this area for me and I don't have to be trying to fix them. Of course, I'm basically content with my life so if I can accept that this is really who I am, that is a really good thing because I don't have to be trying to fix it. I've been struggling for several years trying to figure out why I was still depressed given I liked my life (therapy+meds are also important here, lol).

 

I imagine people who are struggling with feeling broken are not happy with where things are at for them, so accepting it as a permanent part of themselves is more discouraging than freeing. In the long run, it might be useful to accept what is the truth about one's self and look at what parts of life are changeable and find ways to make them what we want them to be, instead of trying to fix things that aren't going to change, but that's a personal journey each person will take differently. 

The bold pretty much sums up my outlook. "I'm not interested in sex, OK that's just how it's going to be from now on". No need to concern myself anymore with looking for a sexual partner or a girlfriend. Not that I did much looking in the first place.

 

On the later, yes there could be folks that upon finding out about asexuality may not be what they wanted to know about themselves. "Why am I not sexual when I'm 'supposed' to be?"

 

On the other there are those of us that are accepting of our asexuality without any reservations.

[AceAnimeFan]

I didn't feel different or broken until I was in high school. Suddenly everyone I knew was pairing off and had suddenly became obsessed with the opposite sex. When we had the sex ed portion of health class I began to realize that I was different; I was laughed at and was the subject of jokes after asking what being "turned on" meant. I also felt a lot of confusion as to why anyone would willingly engage in what I saw as a dangerous and violent activity and an unwillingness to associate with anyone who had engaged in this activity. I think that coupled with the isolation due to no longer having anything in common with friends (and consequently no longer having friends) was the start of the feeling of being broken. Even after realizing that I'm not broken and that there are others like me, the feeling still comes up sometimes, though not as often; I'm still trying to heal, so to speak. 

[Kaitlynki]

I feel broken because I'll find someone i like. And then i have to tell them the dreaded news that i dont ever want to have sex. And they up and leave. Or my bf/gf/crush will talk jokingly about sex and it just puts me off. Like. Every time its mentioned i want to quit. I want to just sleep until the feelings gone. I am utterly repulsed by the idea of me geniunely having sex. So when someone i like jokes about it, it makes me feel like im broken, or useless. And not fulfilling their needs. I feel like. I can never have a happy relationship because sex will always get in the way. And it makes me feel, sorta broken. 

[ryn2]

On 7/22/2019 at 7:18 PM, will123 said:

No need to concern myself anymore with looking for a sexual partner or a girlfriend.

I think this part is easier to accept and feels less like a “life sentence”  for people who are both ace and aro.  For romantic aces, it can feel less freeing and more like “oh, crap, now I will *never* find anyone.”

[will123]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I think this part is easier to accept and feels less like a “life sentence”  for people who are both ace and aro.  For romantic aces, it can feel less freeing and more like “oh, crap, now I will *never* find anyone.”

For me it's more like I'll never look for anyone going forward. I guess it would be pointless to try to find a female friend who would be interested in a guy who wasn't romantically inclined, let alone wanted to have sex. That in itself is a sad statement. I've never dwelled on it and seem to be content with the friends I've had in my long time social circle. For those not in that kind of a situation, I could see it being difficult.

 

I feel lucky in that I have a female friend in the area that I met when I still thought I was straight. It was about two years afterwards that I 'found out' that I was asexual. This didn't really affect our friendship as nothing sexual or truly romantic ever happened when I 'was' straight. We were just friends. I finally came out to her just over a year ago. Not a big deal as far as she was concerned.

 

I clued in to what aromanticism was a couple of years ago.

 

[Pandark]

@Kaitlynki What you describe is an important reason AVEN exists. Presumably 1% of the people are asexual, which would mean many more than are on this forum. Sometimes I meet someone and get a feeling they are possibly asexual. Maybe you do too. Being asexual doesn't mean you have to be alone.