Ferly Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Hi Everyone. I'm 26, from Yorkshire, and I'm Asexual. I was that kid who just didn't want to know about growing up or anything to do with it. My poor Mum had a terrible time trying to give me 'the talk'- I just wasn't interested and didn't want to know. Sex ed at school was even worse- I just remember thinking, why? What are the benefits to having sex that outweigh all the risks and awkwardness? I was so confused when people in my year/ friendship group started actively wanting sex and relationships, because I'd always thought of both as yet another necessary but unwelcome part of puberty, like acne or periods. I never really had any crushes at school- I vaguely assumed that sort of thing would come in time, but I didn't give it much thought, and I was busy doing other stuff. A friend did suggest to me at one point that I might be asexual, but she then followed it up with, "If we cut your finger off, will it grow back?", and I never gave it any more thought than "please don't cut off my fingers". None of my close friends were in relationships either, so I never felt particularly different. Uni was the same. I never got into any relationships, never went on a date or kissed anyone, and it was at this point that people starting acting like it was weird or wrong that I'd never had any of these things. I felt like I'd missed a deadline that I hadn't known existed, so I started to hide the fact that I'd never dated, mainly by a combination of non-committal answers and outright avoidance of the subject. I had one or two crushes, but as they stopped at the level of the clothes, I was constantly second-guessing my feelings, trying and failing to distinguish them from admiration, loneliness, gratitude or a load of other emotions. Honestly, I've never been that great with emotions full stop. I went through the 'sexual ID twenty questions' that a lot of people on here seem to be describing- assuming I was straight by default, realising that I didn't want to have sex with men, wondering if I was a lesbian, realising I didn't want to have sex with women either, settling on bi because I felt equally (un)attracted to men and women, repeat. I thought once or twice about 'putting myself out there' to try and experiment a bit and force myself into finding out who I was that way, but I didn't really know where to start, and I was pretty busy with other stuff, so never got round to it. It just never felt as important as hiking, music, studying, and all the other stuff in my life. I honestly don't know why it took me so long to identify as asexual. I'd known that it was a thing since my teens, but, when I thought about it at all, I kept on assuming that I was a late bloomer, or that I'd eventually meet 'the one' person who would make me realise what I'd been missing all this time. Weirdly enough, it was watching Torchwood for the first time that made me acknowledge the possibility that I might be ace, and then realise how obvious it should have been. It seems odd, coming from such a sexed-up show, but whether it was seeing a cast of characters who so comfortably acknowledge and act on their desires with men, women, and aliens without worrying about labels or conformity that made me realise once and for all that I simply didn't have those desires and that was OK, or whether John Barrowman has magical powers of sexual identity and acceptance, I don't know. That was about a year ago, and honestly, I'm so much happier since then. I'm happy with the fact that I've never kissed or dated anyone- I may do one day, and I know that, being ace, it probably won't be straightforward, but I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it, and honestly, I don't see any point in worrying about it until then. Reading other people's stories on AVEN has been incredible- I never realised how different and 'broken' I felt until I discovered other people who felt the same as me. At one point, I was almost physically shaking. I haven't come out to anyone irl, and I'm not in any hurry to do so. It's on my to-do list, but only once I feel totally ready, and I'm not going to rush it. I know my family would be totally supportive if I came out as LGBT, but I'm not sure that they would take asexuality seriously. It's taken me this long to accept it as real in myself, so I can only imagine that it takes a while to accept in other people. This is where the lack of asexual representation in media really grates- just one or two explicitly asexual characters in mainstream media would be that first step towards visibility, so that aces themselves could just concentrate on the acceptance part. For now, I'm just really glad to be here. Link to post Share on other sites
- Saph - Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Hello and welcome to AVEN! We can share some virtual cake on this forum. 🍰 It is great that you have found here some things to relate. There is no need to rush into coming out but it is always a good idea to learn to know yourself better . Cheers! 😉 Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Welcome to AVEN! Funnily enough, I realised that I'm Asexual in my early teens. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Castle Cake, http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/85688-castle-cake Link to post Share on other sites
3Xi3X Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Welcome! So glad you’re here. Your story is very relatable... 🙃🥳 Now, lets see if we can’t find a nice slice of... Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Welcome! Well we have come a long way in representation in the media, this article in particular you might find interesting https://www.vox.com/culture/2018/3/26/16291562/asexuality-tv-history-bojack-shadowhunters-game-of-thrones <<<< Link to post Share on other sites
Goonie Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 welcome Ferly I'm glad you don't feel so "broken" and different! I hope you are able to find what you are looking for on AVEN. Link to post Share on other sites
AHAL Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 Hi @Ferly, I am 27 and also from Yorkshire. Like you I've only recently started defining as asexual but haven't 'come out' irl yet. Your story is very relatable to me. My favourite part of AVEN is reading everyone's intro stories as i like seeing that there's others in the world that experience things the way I do. Hopefully you'll find AVEN as comforting as I do! And from one yorkshire-lass to another, have a Yorkshire inspired cake 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Ferly Posted July 23, 2019 Author Share Posted July 23, 2019 @Saphoune, @MichaelTannock, @3Xi3X, @Lichley, @Goonie, @AHAL Thanks so much for your kind words, and for the virtual cake I'm glad what I said was relatable- part of the reason I rambled on so long was because of how much it helped me to read other people's stories. And the Yorkshire cake is amazing. Does that signpost say 'ee by gum'? Link to post Share on other sites
AHAL Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 3 hours ago, Ferly said: Does that signpost say 'ee by gum'? @Ferly It actually does! 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
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