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SamLock

Touch Starvation V.S. Touch Aversion in relationships?

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SamLock

Hey! So I'm wondering if anyone else has this issue. And I wanna know how you cope with it. This might get a little ranty.

 

I know touch starvation is a real psychological/medical thing, where humans are just kinda born needing a degree of touch to be healthy. But then there's touch aversion, which I, and many abuse victims have. I know there are probably other groups of people who struggle with it as well, but that's where I come from. 

 

So what do you guys do when touch scares you, but you also notice that lack of touch has been having a negative impact too? Like I've been getting strong urges to cuddle my friends, but my scared little monkey brain has a fit and I feel ill and anxious and I can't bring myself to do it. And it's a sucky little dichotomy that I don't know how to deal with. 

 

To try and kinda fix it, my mom suggested going to sites like cuddle comfort to try and find a cuddle buddy. But the thought of cuddling a stranger brings an even worse feeling. I've thought of bringing up the idea of a qpr to one of my friends, but I've never been in one before and I'm unsure how the commitment side works. I don't want any of my sexual friends to be stuck in a relationship with me. I always get worried that maybe they'll wanna start something I don't want, or that they'll feel unfulfilled. 

 

How can I find a qpp that I can trust? How do I even look for potential qpps? How do I cope in the meantime? Is it even possible to turn the scared monkey brain off?

 

I hope someone can give me advice ❤️ I'd super appreciate it. If anyone has similar problems, I'd love to hear from you too. It's nice to not feel so alone in this. 

 

 

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HonoraryJedi

I see what you mean. I am pretty touch averse too, though mine is more in-born. I have no trauma.

 

You don't have to be in a qpr to touch people though. Start small with people you trust. Considered hugging your friends? That is a pretty normal form of social interaction. And if you are close to your friends, you could honestly consider bringing it up with them. You don't need to change your entire relationship to sometimes have someones arm around your shoulders.

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PoeciMeta

This is actually worrying. I'm strongly touch-adverse (from birth too) and I didn't think I could feel the need to be touched (the idea felt kinda preposterous) but I could be touch starved, and I still really don't want to touch anyone... it's disagreeable and stressful and it makes me wince, so the idea that I need touch to be healthy is a bit scary... 

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Anthracite_Impreza
3 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

This is actually worrying. I'm strongly touch-adverse (from birth too) and I didn't think I could feel the need to be touched (the idea felt kinda preposterous) but I could be touch starved, and I still really don't want to touch anyone... it's disagreeable and stressful and it makes me wince, so the idea that I need touch to be healthy is a bit scary... 

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I mean, we're supposed to have 5 fruit and veg a day, 2 litres of water and 8 hours of sleep, and how many people actually manage all that? Most people still make it into their 70s/80s (in Europe anyway).

 

OP, if it's something that's deeply troubling you, you could see a therapist. They might be able to help you "overcome" your aversion if it's an anxiety thing, like with phobias.

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PoeciMeta
6 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I mean, we're supposed to have 5 fruit and veg a day, 2 litres of water and 8 hours of sleep, and how many people actually manage all that? Most people still make it into their 70s/80s (in Europe anyway). 

I do hope that it doesn't contribute to my current bad mental state... 😕

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NerdyBirder

I guess i also have touch aversion but have really tried to overcome this in-born tendency of mine. One of my uncles used to force bear hugs on me when i was little because he liked to see me squirm (it was never malicious, just poking fun in a loving way) and i attribute that kind of joking and forcing of touch to my dislike of touch. The way i have started to overcome this is I have started hugging my close friends when i see them and when i leave them when hanging out. I also hug my family more often (which always surprises them lol) and just in general try to force my mind to be calm about the sensation of touch. I still have a really hard time with the nonchalant kind of touch. Like i really don't like sitting directly next to someone where our shoulders touch. When in that situation i always try to think of what the socially acceptable method of getting out of that situation would be lol. Like i might get up and go to the bathroom or find another reason to get up or move.

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3Xi3X

I come from a Latino family and that means a hug and kiss every time you see someone practically. If you’re saying hello or good-bye. I have 2 uncles and 5 aunts. Lots of cousins. You get the idea.

 

So even if I’m not really a touchy kind of person. I have become one and now it’s completely fine.

 

I think you hugging your family and friends is a perfect way to ease things up. I personally don’t think you need to worry.

 

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griffinej5

I am touch averse for no particular reason. Just have never really liked it. There are some people I have trouble with them even standing behind me. I’m not sure why. I guess my advice is make friends with a hugger. I’ve got a friend who is a hugger. She’s just that kind of person. She will always come up and hug people. Because she always hugs me, and I’m okay with her in general, I’m not totally awkward about being hugged most the time anymore.  I generally don’t cringe at it anymore, and can sort of reciprocate it. 

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Morgan123

I always have this need to touch someone but I don’t like touching if you know what I mean. So I poke people a lot- sound’s weird but it means I can touch someone without it being reciprocated (which makes me anxious). Obviously this gets annoying to the people I go around poking so there are people who are willing to put up with me.

 

I don’t know if this is related to the topic at hand but it’s a kind of compulsion really which goes against my social anxiety.

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Saphoune

OK so Iike other people here I would recommend not to freak out. What may be a problem to most people is not a problem for some people. Like a lot of people feel unhappy about being sexless. Now if you feel genuinely bad from being touch deprived you may wish to relieve it.

 

One friend told me that I am touch averse. This is not entirely true. Touch is only good when meaningful for me. I think I have set strong protection barriers around me. I need to kiss "goodmorning" people on a daily basis at work (local custom). Some days, this is not the best moment of the day and my mental barriers are on then I become touch aware.

 

External physical sensations not coming from anyone are the first step to enjoy touch. I feel better after reconnecting with my body and physical sensations while doing sports like yoga. Then giving touch is the next step. Towards animals it comes naturally. I like to do it with people that I like: hugging, kissing, patting, playing,... You can also physically help strangers by doing some social work. I am not recommending to be creepy, just to invite or accept other human beings in your personal space. Then there is receiving - it is the hardest so I understand the pokes. You can get hugs and massages as well.

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3Xi3X
5 minutes ago, Saphoune said:

and massages as well.

I love receiving and giving these. 

 

They are the best and I promise I’m not creepy. 😜

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AspieAlly613
On 7/19/2019 at 3:34 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I mean, we're supposed to have 5 fruit and veg a day, 2 litres of water and 8 hours of sleep, and how many people actually manage all that? Most people still make it into their 70s/80s (in Europe anyway).

As an aspiring actuary, I find this very interesting.

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IrishArcher

A dog or other animal/pet might help if you're not comfortable touching people yet. The sensation of touch is satisfied without any of the pressure of a human interaction, and dogs rarely pass up cuddles. If you don't have one and don't want to get one, you could always hang out with a friend who has one, or even volunteer at an animal shelter to spend some time around them.

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SamLock

Thank you call for your advice. It's helped a bit. I think I might want to write a comic about it too cause visualizing my problems is helpful. 

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Wikkit

Not exactly trauma induced, but I have a version of this: in relationships I like lots of hugs, touches, physical (but not sexual) affection and feel a bit lost without it, but after a few relationships with people who have used this stuff to lead into sex every time, the idea has started to put me very much on edge, verging on fear. I feel as if I wouldn't be able to 'trust' the affection in it, if that makes sense? I'm sure I'll be able to see past it, but it's not a comfortable feeling... 😕

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Ace Of Hugs
Posted (edited)

I'm not touch-averse, more touch-finicky, so this only tangentially applies, but...

 

I think that choosing WHO you let touch you may help.   If it's someone who has earned your trust and isn't a threat, you might have an easier time of it.

 

Edited by Ace Of Hugs
Verb confusion.
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