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Dating a sexual guy

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Portuguese girl

Hi guys!

 

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who is not assexual? If so, how have you dealt with their sexual needs? I've been dating my boyfriend for two years and we never had sex because I don't want to. However, he is trying more and more these days and it's becoming quite uncomfortable. Sometimes I let him do things I don't really want to just because I don't want to be mean but this is making me not comfortable around him. What do you suggest? How do I tell him it's not that I don't like and that I really just don't feel the need to have sex?

 

Thank you

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I, Joan

I was dating my girlfriend before I knew I was ace/aro (you can imagine how well that went). Whenever we were making out, I dissociated. Hard. It took a few months of self-reflection, but I talked with her about it. A lot. They were hard conversations, but absolutely necessary. 

So my main tip? Be honest and talk a lot with him. Explain what his advances make you feel (uncomfortable, things you don’t really want to do - that you’re ace), and then move to positive things, things you love doing with him instead. 

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3Xi3X

Agreed. Communication is the best route. Remember that it goes both ways though. Just like how we feel asexually, he has his own feelings sexually and if we are being fair, both people and their thoughts/considerations are valid. I suggest starting from where you both can whole heartedly agree: you love each other. A build from there.

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uhtred

From the other side (as a sexual male), its very difficult to make this work.  For many sexuals, sex is a *vital* part of a romantic relationship.  They may want to believe that love conquers all - but it doesn't.    This can lead to long drawn out misery for both people - the sexual feeling constantly rejected and unloved, the asexual feeling constantly pressured and unvalued  

 

I'm saying this from a 30 year marriage to a nearly asexual woman.  

 

I honestly believe that the right answer is to end the relationship so that you each find someone who is matched to what you need.   Its the same situation as a homosexual man trying to be in a relationship with a woman - neither of them are bad people in any way, but its not going to work. 

 

There is nothing wrong with his wanting sex.  There is nothing wrong wit your not wanting sex. No fault here whatsoever - but if you stay together at least one, probably both of you will be unhappy.  He is probably already far more unhappy than you realize and you are far more unhappy than he realizes. 

 

  

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Eutierria

@Portuguese girl It really depends on what you each want from the relationship & happy to negotiate. 2yrs...you're still within that honeymoon bubble. Have a proper face-to-face conversation or in reality maybe a few more of these conversations to work out how compatible you both will likely be longer down the line. It's easy for strangers to give advice - advice comes from experience(s) & perspective(s) which might not match your (potential) situation.

 

It's concerning that the person you should be able to be completely yourself with is making you uncomfortable. Your body/brain remembers your responses - this builds up over time & it's not healthy to put yourself through that kind of psychological trauma.

 

If you both want the relationship to work, it may be an option to see an ace-friendly (or at least ace-aware) relationship therapist/counsellor.  

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Ninouk
2 hours ago, Portuguese girl said:

Sometimes I let him do things I don't really want to just because I don't want to be mean but this is making me not comfortable around him.

 

I recognize this from my (now past) relationship with a sexual partner - I knew it was "supposed to be" part of the deal, but I didn't feel the need for it and it became harder and harder for me to go along with it. Then I figured out I was ace. I agree with the others that being honest about how it makes you feel is important. Also ask your partner how he feels, and see if you can find common ground or compromise.

 

1 hour ago, uhtred said:

This can lead to long drawn out misery for both people - the sexual feeling constantly rejected and unloved, the asexual feeling constantly pressured and unvalued   

This happened to me too. Unfortunately we weren't able to talk about these things openly enough. My partner felt so rejected and unloved at times, and it broke my heart because I couldn't push my limits any further either, though I truly loved him. So yeah, be honest with yourself and with each other, that's all I can recommend.

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uhtred
1 hour ago, Ninouk said:

I recognize this from my (now past) relationship with a sexual partner - I knew it was "supposed to be" part of the deal, but I didn't feel the need for it and it became harder and harder for me to go along with it. Then I figured out I was ace. I agree with the others that being honest about how it makes you feel is important. Also ask your partner how he feels, and see if you can find common ground or compromise.

 

This happened to me too. Unfortunately we weren't able to talk about these things openly enough. My partner felt so rejected and unloved at times, and it broke my heart because I couldn't push my limits any further either, though I truly loved him. So yeah, be honest with yourself and with each other, that's all I can recommend.

Agree - but I'd also add: recognize if the relationship is not making both of you happy.  The goal of relationships is happiness, they have no value if they don't achieve that

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Ninouk
7 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Agree - but I'd also add: recognize if the relationship is not making both of you happy.  The goal of relationships is happiness, they have no value if they don't achieve that

Exactly. This was the reason for us to break up. It's difficult, but it was the right thing to do.

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anisotrophic

Honestly, what @uhtred and @Ninouk said. You should probably break up.

 

Sexuality is a serious emotional thing for most sexuals and it's understood to be part of romantic relationships. If you know you're ace, you need to come out as early as is reasonable in "dating". And if you realize it while in a relationship with a sexual person, there's a really good chance it means that relationship should end.

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AspieAlly613
On 7/19/2019 at 10:34 AM, Portuguese girl said:

However, he is trying more and more these days and it's becoming quite uncomfortable. Sometimes I let him do things I don't really want to just because I don't want to be mean but this is making me not comfortable around him.

This sets off major warning flags for me.

 

It's possible that he's under the impression that if your partnership doesn't end early, regular sex will be an eventuality.  If so, you should explain that this is not necessarily true.

 

It's also possible that he's trying to get "false consent".  The following is directly copied from one of my earlier posts:

 

There's a specific means of getting "false consent" that you should be aware of and mentally prepared to respond to.  This description will get graphic, so it's in a spoiler.

 

Spoiler

Suppose that a couple, a boy and a girl, whom I'll call Joe and Molly, are in a similar situation to your boyfriend and you.  Molly is comfortable with Joe massaging her bare stomach and with Joe feeling/stimulating her breasts over a light shirt without a bra, but not direct hand-on-breast contact.  Joe inches his hand from her stomach upward under her shirt, and waits for Molly to indicate "yes" or "no".  She moves his hand down onto her stomach and says she's not comfortable with it, at least not yet.  A week or so later, Joe tries again, under the rationale that she may have grown more comfortable with him over time.  Joe is hoping that, at least once, Molly will momentarily think "Why not give it a try just once."  Now what happens after that?  When they cuddle the next night, for Molly to decide that she only wants her stomach massaged, she knows she'd have to enter a long, weird conversation saying "I know I was comfortable trying it that one time, and I haven't grown less comfortable with you, but I don't want to do it again now," and hope that the conversation will end there, but knows it may not because it's a confusing topic.  Rather than go through the mental effort of the conversation, she lets him massage her bare breasts again, despite not being comfortable with it.

 

With that imaginary situation in mind, it's important to understand that:

  1. Some people will try  to manipulate others into false consent.
  2. Some people will assume that everything's fine when they're unknowingly proceeding with false consent.
  3. It's okay to say "I wasn't actually comfortable with this, but I didn't know how to explain why not".
  4. If you recognize yourself as the partner with the lower sex drive, it's very important to think about and plan out ways to prevent giving false consent and to correct for it and say "I don't want to do that any more."
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I, Joan

I’ve fallen into that trap so many times, especially while I was figuring out my sexuality/romanticism. It sucks. Like Aspie said, those steps are super important. Especially the last one. Be aware of things. 

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