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llychee

Aegosexuality and Sexual Attraction

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llychee

I’m confused as to where I stand at the moment. I’ve recently come across aegosexuality when I was searching for a word to describe how I feel. I tend to fantasize and daydream a lot about sexual things of both sexes, especially book characters, but I’m only romantically attracted to males. Occasionally also someone from the real world but I prefer book/movie characters. I have maladaptive daydreaming and I’m very satisfied with the worlds I have created in my head. When I think of the real world I don’t feel like actually doing any of that and I think being sexual in real life with someone would be weird and I’m not sure I would ever do that. So I found that word and it was pretty accurate but then I read somewhere that it’s a part of asexuality and asexuality seems to mean you experience no sexual attraction to other people, which is the part I feel I disagree with. 
I’m sort of torn between bi and aegosexual because you apparently can’t be both so I’m really lost here...? I also found akoisexual and relate to that too in a way. Sorry if it sounds dumb but I just don’t know what to make of this.. (I’m a female by the way)

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Hello.

 

The description you gave seems like aegosexuality, which could cover "sexual things of both sexes." If you disagree with the part about experiencing no sexual attraction to other people, remember that aegosexuality means you feel arousal, but not sexual attraction. If you don't feel sexual attraction in real life towards other people, then bisexual might not be accurate.

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Star Lion

Aegosexual refers to a person who’s asexual (has no desire for partnered sexual activity towards anyone) but still finds other people as a sexual target of arousal. It’s a complicated thing but it’s like, you don’t wanna have sex with them yourself but it’s a turn on (mentally and/or physically) seeing them have sex with someone else whether through porn or in your fantasies. Akoisexual, or lithsexual as common used, is feeling a desire for partnered sexual activity towards people but the desire is lost whenever the target of attraction show signs of experiencing those same feelings back to the lithsexual. It falls under the greysexual umbrella along with demisexual and fraysexual and you could be things such as “lith-bisexual” or “grey-bisexual.” To me, you don’t seem to desire sexual partnership so you would be asexual and likely also aegosexual to explain your conflict with asexuality

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Tunhope
1 hour ago, Star Lion said:

Aegosexual refers to a person who’s asexual (has no desire for partnered sexual activity towards anyone) but still finds other people as a sexual target of arousal. It’s a complicated thing but it’s like, you don’t wanna have sex with them yourself but it’s a turn on (mentally and/or physically) seeing them have sex with someone else whether through porn or in your fantasies. 

This is exactly how I would describe myself, the turn on always being in my own fantasies (not interested in porn) .

I'm curious about your (that is @llychee s) reference to maladaptive dreaming. I blogged about it a year or so ago. Were you using it in the same sense Eli Somer was? I thought he coined the term, but the people he referred to were not happy. Hence maladaptive as opposed to good old healthy fantasising.

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Star Lion
7 minutes ago, Tunhope said:

I'm curious about your (that is @llychee s) reference to maladaptive dreaming. I blogged about it a year or so ago. Were you using it in the same sense Eli Somer was? I thought he coined the term, but the people he referred to were not happy. Hence maladaptive as opposed to good old healthy fantasising.

Are you referring to me or the OP? There’s usually a space inbetween text when referring to the OP but I’m unsure about your context

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Tunhope

The OP . That's why I added the phrase " that is @llychee' s reference"  

Thought that would make the "your" clear. Apologies to you @Star Lion if it didn't do so.

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llychee
10 hours ago, Tunhope said:

This is exactly how I would describe myself, the turn on always being in my own fantasies (not interested in porn) .

I'm curious about your (that is @llychee s) reference to maladaptive dreaming. I blogged about it a year or so ago. Were you using it in the same sense Eli Somer was? I thought he coined the term, but the people he referred to were not happy. Hence maladaptive as opposed to good old healthy fantasising.

@Tunhope Yes, I was using it like Eli Somer. I don’t know too much about that disorder or whatever it is but it’s always been there and it’s pretty intrusive throughout the day. I feel like I wouldn’t be sane without it too so it’s confusing. I feel bisexual in my daydreams and I feel like I feel sexual attraction in them but I wouldn’t know for sure. I don’t think I would want to act it out in real life though which is why I am unsure how this works like which one is the real me but I’m assuming I’m asexual...?? Who knows.

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Tunhope

As you say @llychee ,it can be confusing! I think most folk would say that, if having a label helps, then go for one, but a lot of people manage perfectly well without one. I found it helped. I'm still not sure about that maladaptive dreaming though because you say that fantasies are necessary for you and they make you happy. The people that Eli Somer studied  were not happy with their fantasies in so far as fantasising caused a harmful positive feedback. They already felt e.g.inadequate. Fantasies helped them escape from their negative feelings, but then they just got more depressed and miserable because they realised that , in real life, they weren't the successful characters of the fantasies. So fantasies worsened an already awkward situation. Hence their day dreaming was harmful and maladaptive.

From what you say, that's not how your fantasies make you feel. (and it's not how mine make me feel)) Fantasies are really helpful e.g if people use them creatively and write or draw .  Apparently that's a very healthy use of fantasies. I can post you the link to the blog I referred to if you wish. I've posted a couple on anegosexuality too. (PS I'm no expert. It interests me because I see myself in those terms,)

 

 

 

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llychee
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Tunhope said:

As you say @llychee ,it can be confusing! I think most folk would say that, if having a label helps, then go for one, but a lot of people manage perfectly well without one. I found it helped. I'm still not sure about that maladaptive dreaming though because you say that fantasies are necessary for you and they make you happy. The people that Eli Somer studied  were not happy with their fantasies in so far as fantasising caused a harmful positive feedback. They already felt e.g.inadequate. Fantasies helped them escape from their negative feelings, but then they just got more depressed and miserable because they realised that , in real life, they weren't the successful characters of the fantasies. So fantasies worsened an already awkward situation. Hence their day dreaming was harmful and maladaptive.

From what you say, that's not how your fantasies make you feel. (and it's not how mine make me feel)) Fantasies are really helpful e.g if people use them creatively and write or draw .  Apparently that's a very healthy use of fantasies. I can post you the link to the blog I referred to if you wish. I've posted a couple on anegosexuality too. (PS I'm no expert. It interests me because I see myself in those terms,)

 

 

 

Okay, thanks, that would be nice. And yeah, my daydreams can make me feel upset too when I realise my life will never match up to what I’ve created but I try to ignore those thoughts because they’re very distressing. It’s kind of a mixed feeling situation when it comes to fantasising. Sometimes I feel happy that I sort of have that ability and other times I wish it would just stop. It does help me escape from the torment of the mental illnesses I have, though. I realise labels are not that important but the reason I was sort of looking for one was because I don’t like feeling out of control like I don’t know who I am and honestly, I feel pretty out of place in the real world like I don’t belong anywhere. Thanks for your perspective anyways. :) @Tunhope

Edited by llychee
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Kimchi Peanut

I’ve never heard of aegosexual and I can’t help but read it as aegyosexual... (attracted to cuteness?)

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Tunhope

@llychee this is the post on maladaptive dreaming:

https://polyallsorts.wordpress.com/2018/12/11/extreme-and-maladaptive-daydreaming/

 

This is one on aegosexuality

https://polyallsorts.wordpress.com/2018/05/30/aegosexuality-and-m-m-fiction-strange-bedfellows/

 

Both have references to research which might be of interest.  

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llychee
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Tunhope said:

@llychee this is the post on maladaptive dreaming:

https://polyallsorts.wordpress.com/2018/12/11/extreme-and-maladaptive-daydreaming/

 

This is one on aegosexuality

https://polyallsorts.wordpress.com/2018/05/30/aegosexuality-and-m-m-fiction-strange-bedfellows/

 

Both have references to research which might be of interest.  

So I was reading the articles, which I assume are both yours, and you said you daydream in third person but I think I read somewhere that with asexuality you don’t daydream in first person, which is what I do. It’s not the real life me, it’s like the ideal me or a book character, but I’m that character, like I’d rather be them and not myself as real life me is plain and uninteresting and could honestly never match up. I’m not watching it happen like a movie, it’s happening to me. Does that count in aegosexuality, or do you have to be completely detached from the story? My over-daydreaming situation is very awkward sometimes and I sometimes act out talking to people without even realising what I’m doing and I feel crazy. Like I don’t realise until someone asks me “what on earth are you doing?” and then I’m like oh crap I need to make an excuse because it’s not normal behaviour according to most people. People look very concerned with my behaviour at times even though it’s normal to me. It kind of freaks me out too that I don’t seem to have control of my inner worlds and they’re so strong that they manage to seep out without me even knowing. I don’t act out anything sexual in front of people though, I think that would be weird. @Tunhope

Edited by llychee
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Tunhope

 

 

9 hours ago, llychee said:

I’m not watching it happen like a movie, it’s happening to me. Does that count in aegosexuality, or do you have to be completely detached from the story? 

I'm not sure of the answer to that. In one way, it isn't happening to you because it's happening to someone who you know is not the real life you. So, you are detached from the stories in a way. As far as I know (and, I'm not an expert as I said - just interested because I can see myself in some of the things I've read) it's that detachment, or disassociation, from the real life which makes a person anegosexual .

 

I'm just wondering if, as you have become distressed over how you day dream, whether that wild minds site would have any helpful ideas. My impression is that the site isn't very active, but their early stuff is still available (wildminds.ning.com) 

 

I do understand how the imagination can take over especially during those times when life's not going well. I reckon it's a  healthier way of coping with things than drinking or drugs. Day dreams can be really creative. Is there any way you could channel the ones you have into writing? 

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llychee
12 hours ago, Tunhope said:

 

 

I'm not sure of the answer to that. In one way, it isn't happening to you because it's happening to someone who you know is not the real life you. So, you are detached from the stories in a way. As far as I know (and, I'm not an expert as I said - just interested because I can see myself in some of the things I've read) it's that detachment, or disassociation, from the real life which makes a person anegosexual .

 

I'm just wondering if, as you have become distressed over how you day dream, whether that wild minds site would have any helpful ideas. My impression is that the site isn't very active, but their early stuff is still available (wildminds.ning.com) 

 

I do understand how the imagination can take over especially during those times when life's not going well. I reckon it's a  healthier way of coping with things than drinking or drugs. Day dreams can be really creative. Is there any way you could channel the ones you have into writing? 

I think you’ve got a point. I feel like when I realised I’d rather just daydream about other worlds than actually be present for most of the day is when I thought this might be a sort of addiction. I’ve daydreamed like this my whole life but just not this intensely so I think it’s just due to current circumstances that it’s this intense. It doesn’t make me want to stop altogether but I do wish I could control it more so it stops when I want it to. I think I will check that site out. 

I used to write sometimes but I kind of faded out of doing that. It does seem like a good idea though and I do enjoy doing it. Thanks for the tips. :) @Tunhope

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Moony085
On 7/20/2019 at 3:28 PM, Tunhope said:

@llychee this is the post on maladaptive dreaming:

https://polyallsorts.wordpress.com/2018/12/11/extreme-and-maladaptive-daydreaming/

 

This is one on aegosexuality

https://polyallsorts.wordpress.com/2018/05/30/aegosexuality-and-m-m-fiction-strange-bedfellows/

 

Both have references to research which might be of interest.  

OMG- I had no idea Maladaptive Daydreaming was a thing. I know I am Asexual, I just didnt know if I was of the Aegosexual subset. I did not have all of the traits, just some. But I most definitely have Maladaptive Daydreaming. This is how I "fantasize". 

 

On 7/20/2019 at 8:10 PM, llychee said:

So I was reading the articles, which I assume are both yours, and you said you daydream in third person but I think I read somewhere that with asexuality you don’t daydream in first person, which is what I do. It’s not the real life me, it’s like the ideal me or a book character, but I’m that character, like I’d rather be them and not myself as real life me is plain and uninteresting and could honestly never match up. I’m not watching it happen like a movie, it’s happening to me. Does that count in aegosexuality, or do you have to be completely detached from the story? My over-daydreaming situation is very awkward sometimes and I sometimes act out talking to people without even realising what I’m doing and I feel crazy. Like I don’t realise until someone asks me “what on earth are you doing?” and then I’m like oh crap I need to make an excuse because it’s not normal behaviour according to most people. People look very concerned with my behaviour at times even though it’s normal to me. It kind of freaks me out too that I don’t seem to have control of my inner worlds and they’re so strong that they manage to seep out without me even knowing. I don’t act out anything sexual in front of people though, I think that would be weird. @Tunhope

This is 100% me, I have a proxy character I use in daydreams/fantasies. I still cant tell if I am Aegosexual though- seems I may be, but I have had a million people tell me that i'm just textbook Asexual. The Maladaptive Daydream factor makes me even more confused and thinking maybe not?

 

No characters I fantasize about, whether in general or a sexual context, can be "real" people. They have to be fabrications or I get extremely creeped out and put off. I do watch porn and read erotica but I use it only for fuel for the fantasies (more of a trigger per discussed in the article about Maladaptive Daydreaming) and again, no real people I am watching or reading about are included in the fantasies, it HAS to be a fabrication of my own mind. The confusing part to me is, I don't think I would fantasize in any sexual manner without the Maladaptive Daydreaming (the fuel leads to the trigger which leads to me incorporating it into the daydream). The daydreaming is so intense that it's a story/series that I have carried, re-adapted, and expanded  on in my mind since I was 10 years old (and I'm currently 34). Some characters are the same, some are new, and some originals I have evolved or altered. My proxy character has changed the least. Some days I am consumed by the daydream (it comes first and I don't even want to do my work) and some days I am consumed by reality and dont have the want or energy to partake in the daydream. I do feel like without my daydream story/series I would be very bored and depressed. I have become addicted and dependant on it to cope. 

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Tunhope

 I find it helpful to consider myself both ace and anego, but other than that I'm not too bothered about labels. If they help, fine. If they don't, also fine. 

As far as I understand it, the difference between dreaming / fantasising and Maladaptive Dreaming is that the latter interferes with getting on with one's life not necessarily because it takes up time, but because it makes people feel worse about themselves than before.

Like you @Moony085 ,I have an ongoing saga . It doesn't make me feel in anyway negative about myself though. I'm pretty ok about myself. I don't get depressed. I'm pretty positive. So I don't think I'm a maladaptive dreamer - just a dreamer! (who happens to be ace and anego as well) 

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llychee
Posted (edited)
On 8/1/2019 at 11:15 PM, Moony085 said:

OMG- I had no idea Maladaptive Daydreaming was a thing. I know I am Asexual, I just didnt know if I was of the Aegosexual subset. I did not have all of the traits, just some. But I most definitely have Maladaptive Daydreaming. This is how I "fantasize". 

 

This is 100% me, I have a proxy character I use in daydreams/fantasies. I still cant tell if I am Aegosexual though- seems I may be, but I have had a million people tell me that i'm just textbook Asexual. The Maladaptive Daydream factor makes me even more confused and thinking maybe not?

 

No characters I fantasize about, whether in general or a sexual context, can be "real" people. They have to be fabrications or I get extremely creeped out and put off. I do watch porn and read erotica but I use it only for fuel for the fantasies (more of a trigger per discussed in the article about Maladaptive Daydreaming) and again, no real people I am watching or reading about are included in the fantasies, it HAS to be a fabrication of my own mind. The confusing part to me is, I don't think I would fantasize in any sexual manner without the Maladaptive Daydreaming (the fuel leads to the trigger which leads to me incorporating it into the daydream). The daydreaming is so intense that it's a story/series that I have carried, re-adapted, and expanded  on in my mind since I was 10 years old (and I'm currently 34). Some characters are the same, some are new, and some originals I have evolved or altered. My proxy character has changed the least. Some days I am consumed by the daydream (it comes first and I don't even want to do my work) and some days I am consumed by reality and dont have the want or energy to partake in the daydream. I do feel like without my daydream story/series I would be very bored and depressed. I have become addicted and dependant on it to cope. 

I feel like my daydreams are the best thing going for me. The best places I could ever possibly be. Honestly, kind of scary since they’ll never be places I’ll ever be able to go and exist in.
Really glad you relate... 

https://www.reddit.com/r/MaladaptiveDreaming/comments/b5vf9t/it_really_be_like_that/ @Moony085

Edited by llychee
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