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brehasolo

Question for the hetero and homoromantic aces

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brehasolo
Posted (edited)

This is just a curiosity I have and it's by no means skeptcism or judgement.

 

If you're ace - meaning the sexual attraction isn't there - why would you not date someone regardless of their gender? If you don't want sex with the person, what can a man offer you that a woman can't and vice-versa?

 

I'm fascinated by this question, so if any of y'all can shed some light... :)

Edited by brehasolo
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Nowhere Girl

First - it's not like I have any negative experiences (because I have no romantic or sexual experience whatsoever), but despite this I have some kind of distrust for men. I wouldn't like to drop into some essentialism, because people are different, we have first our personalities and only then gender. But still, gender differences do exist. And the female kind of personality is much more appealing to me. In fact, I know at least one woman whom I can't trust exactly because she is "masculine" to the point of being boorish.

And second - it also has a political aspect. I wouldn't mind being perceived as a lesbian, but couldn't stand being perceived as heterosexual. I'm not psychologically capable of any sex, with a person of any gender - but still, my aversion to straight sex is yet stronger than my exclusively personal ("yes, this is nice, but nevertheless not for me, I just couldn't personally have sex") aversion to lesbian sex. To me straight sex is inherently unequal and I just can't push this feeling away.

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German User
1 hour ago, brehasolo said:

If you're ace - meaning the sexual attraction isn't there - why the hell would you not date someone regardless of their gender?

I guess for the same reason a homosexual person wouldn't want to sleep with someon of the different sex or vice versa. Physicaly speaking both parters, same- sex and opposite- sex, (as far as a virgin ace can understand that :P ) are potentaly able to experience the same intensity of pleasure... Yet something makes it so it only works with their respective prefered gender.

Refering to your question I could answer with the question: If you are an alosexual, meaning that you want partnered sex, why the hell would you not go for every gender?

 

I often think that my current best (♂️) friend might make a solid partner. We have a very deep friendship where we share a small hut, meet about every day, talk intensively about what is going on in our lives and eat together twice or trice a week. And despite all of this I can't see him that way.

When I meet and come to know a potential, for the lack of a better word, girlfriend the reaction changes. I don't even need that long to figure out that I am "into her". But at the same time I realize that this feeling of the possibility of intimacy (It is hard to describe) is not at all linked to sexuality. Sensual Attraction (for me, as childish as it may sound, the fantasy and want to cuddle) sets in and Romantic attraction (which I currently can't describe) sets in.

I just don't want sex. As a result of self doubt, which I perceive many people on the asexual spectrum feel, I sometimes trie to imagine sex with the person I am attracted to. In my mind it would lead to a degradation of the relationship.

To conclude I'd like to add that I am not sex repulsed. I get that it is fun and it's something most people value very high. I just don't connect it to intimacy and for me the costs outweigh the benefit.

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Anthracite_Impreza

That's just how we're wired. I'm only romantically, sensually and aesthetically attracted to machines, mostly cars. I can't fathom why anyone is attracted to humans at all, but there you are. It isn't a choice, the heart wants who it wants.

 

Also, don't forget trans people exist, so it's not all about genitals regardless.

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Philip027

Because there are differences between the sexes other than what bits they have.  Personality and attitude, to name a couple.  They're not hardfast rules, of course, but there is usually enough of a perceptible difference.  For me this has extended to the point where most of my friends are of the opposite sex, because since adolescence I've always found other male peers to be significantly harder to relate to, and this plays a big part in who I've tended to gravitate toward when it comes to romantic interests.

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Grey-Ace Ventura

I feel like this question is kinda like saying that relationships between sexual people are only based on sex. Some sexual people do this, but I don't think most of them go looking for a partner based solely on sexual attraction. That's why people say things like "My partner is both my partner and my best friend" not "My partner is my sexfruit."

 

With that said, romantic asexuals still feel romantic and/or aesthetic attraction, not necessarily towards all genders. The gender preference can be based on how a certain gender makes you feel (e.g. their temperament), or how you want to be viewed, as @Nowhere Girl said. It's pretty hard to explain because attraction is chemical and I can't just make myself want to date a male because I don't want sex.

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3Xi3X

Actaully. That’s how I personally feel. Being ace has sort of freed me from the society’s “how things should be” cage. I go off of personality but having no interest in sex allows me not mind male or female companionship. Even if all so far have been with women, it’s because I thought that was how it had to be. Now that I have discovered being ace and I accept/embrace that title happily, almost eagerly, I wouldn’t be against a relationship either way.

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brehasolo
36 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Because there are differences between the sexes other than what bits they have.  Personality and attitude, to name a couple. 

 

26 minutes ago, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

I feel like this question is kinda like saying that relationships between sexual people are only based on sex. Some sexual people do this, but I don't think most of them go looking for a partner based solely on sexual attraction. That's why people say things like "My partner is both my partner and my best friend" not "My partner is my sexfruit."

I guess my confusion comes from the fact that I don't view personality traits and attitude as inherently male or female. There are men who are sensitive and caring and women who swear and play sports, for example.

 

As for external traits that are way more common in one gender than the other, such as long hair and curves in girls and muscles in guys, I suppose I associate those with sexual attraction, which should make it irrelevant for aces (at least that's how I see it, but I'm obviously still learning).

 

Thanks for the replies, guys.

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Grimalkin
21 minutes ago, brehasolo said:

I guess my confusion comes from the fact that I don't view personality traits and attitude as inherently male or female. There are men who are sensitive and caring and women who swear and play sports, for example

See, I know this, but my little ape instincts do not.

 

I do not have the capability for sexual attraction, true. It just isn't there for me, it's absent. But I am still drawn to men in a way I am not to women. Believe me, I'm just as confused as you are, but there it is. 

 

I have a really great female friend I've known all my life. We could move in together, we could adopt a kid, we could get married, we could go through the motions. But I would never feel anything for her other than platonic affection, because I do not have the capability for romantic love towards women. Much like my sexuality, it's absent. 

 

But with a man, it feels like something more. I could do all of the above and it would mean more to me. I would have a deeper bond, I would have that gut-clenching "crush" sensation, seeing him every day would bring more good feelings to the surface than it would with a friend. I still don't want to have sex with him either, but I'm inexplicably drawn to him in a way I am not and have never been with women. 

 

Even though I am not sexually attracted to male characteristics, I do still have a sensual attraction and an aesthetic attraction to men over women. I couldn't imagine kissing, cuddling, getting physically close with women in a way that wasn't platonic. But I could absolutely envision myself doing that with a male-bodied person. Why? I don't know. If we just knew, we wouldn't be here!

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Star Lion

Heteromantic doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t date another person of the same gender, it just means you don’t have desires for doing so and that you’re not going to have romantic interest in nor fall in love with people of the same gender. Apply that to homoromantic too with a little wording difference

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R_1

Personally, I simply don't believe there is a thing called male personality or female personality. My attraction is more on to women, and that's ultimately because I do prefer the characteristic of a female body. Not because of personalities or anything. A woman could "dress like a male", and be assertive, and I would not care for that one bit. I'm a demi-hetero-aromantic, this basically means I relate more to the aro experience despite being demi.

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NordicNoir
21 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

See, I know this, but my little ape instincts do not.

 

I do not have the capability for sexual attraction, true. It just isn't there for me, it's absent. But I am still drawn to men in a way I am not to women. Believe me, I'm just as confused as you are, but there it is. 

 

I have a really great female friend I've known all my life. We could move in together, we could adopt a kid, we could get married, we could go through the motions. But I would never feel anything for her other than platonic affection, because I do not have the capability for romantic love towards women. Much like my sexuality, it's absent. 

 

But with a man, it feels like something more. I could do all of the above and it would mean more to me. I would have a deeper bond, I would have that gut-clenching "crush" sensation, seeing him every day would bring more good feelings to the surface than it would with a friend. I still don't want to have sex with him either, but I'm inexplicably drawn to him in a way I am not and have never been with women. 

 

Even though I am not sexually attracted to male characteristics, I do still have a sensual attraction and an aesthetic attraction to men over women. I couldn't imagine kissing, cuddling, getting physically close with women in a way that wasn't platonic. But I could absolutely envision myself doing that with a male-bodied person. Why? I don't know. If we just knew, we wouldn't be here!

This is exactly how I function. 

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Philip027
Quote

I guess my confusion comes from the fact that I don't view personality traits and attitude as inherently male or female. There are men who are sensitive and caring and women who swear and play sports, for example.

There are exceptions obviously, but there's a reason why the stereotypes exist.  There are definitely attributes more common to one sex over the other.

 

Quote

As for external traits that are way more common in one gender than the other, such as long hair and curves in girls and muscles in guys, I suppose I associate those with sexual attraction, which should make it irrelevant for aces (at least that's how I see it, but I'm obviously still learning).

Unless it's got something to do with their sexual organs (or the viewer's sexual gratification somehow), it's probably more along the lines of sensual/aesthetic.

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brehasolo
17 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

 

Unless it's got something to do with their sexual organs (or the viewer's sexual gratification somehow), it's probably more along the lines of sensual/aesthetic.

Makes sense, that's probably it.

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RoseGoesToYale

Hmm... I can't really explain it myself. My two best friends asked me something similar at a sleepover once (they're both bisexual). My explanation was that I just want someone different than me, a different body from my own, a different voice, different expressions. But then, I still can't say I wholly want someone masculine, because I also find traits attractive that are not stereotypically masculine. I don't fall neatly into the feminine category myself. Like @Grimalkin said, it just feels like doing romantic/sensual things would be more fulfilling for me with a man than a woman, for whatever reason.

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AceMissBehaving

I had more opportunities with dating men, since they were the ones who would hit on me. Also before I realized that my being ace wasn’t something wrong that needed fixing, I thought sex was inevitable, and figuring how to do that with a woman seemed kind of daunting.

 

If something were to happen now and I found myself dating for whatever reason I don’t think I would limit myself to just men. These days knowing myself better I could see myself being happy in a romantic relationship with any gender. 

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kiaroskuro

.

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R_1
1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

There are exceptions obviously, but there's a reason why the stereotypes exist.  There are definitely attributes more common to one sex over the other.

Stereotypes do exist, but have you noticed they are dying down over time? Society is definitely becoming more egalitarian and with less people believing there is a difference mentally.

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Anthracite_Impreza

There has to be a difference, otherwise how would trans people know they're trans? Brain scans have literally shown trans' brains are more similar to their actual gender than their assigned one.

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R_1
11 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

There has to be a difference, otherwise how would trans people know they're trans? Brain scans have literally shown trans' brains are more similar to their actual gender than their assigned one.

The thing is that you can argue that it mostly attribute-able to bodymapping function. Even science don't always agree that they're different to the point where the rules are always attributable to one or another. In psychology, APA don't support the notion that there's much difference. Gender similarities hypothesis haven't been ruled out at all, and it is still being looked into these day.

 

I did found this, but I'd have to check my earlier post to find some more - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0959438816300083 They found that males and females are most certainly similar.

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Morgan123

I often wonder this myself. It doesn’t make sense to me when I think about it. It’s not about personality, or looks or anything like that- especially as I don’t really experience aesthetic attraction. But for some reason, my gay little brain likes women- there’s a definite distinction somewhere. I can’t imagine being romantically attracted to guys. 

 

As a non-binary person who has spent many long hours antagonising over what gender actually is, it confuses me even more. Where does the distinction lie? I’m not attracted to feminine men but I am to masculine women. I’ve always wondered about attraction to non-binary people but I haven’t met enough of us to say. 

 

So no helpful conclusion there- well, at least my brain knows what it’s doing, even if I don’t.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Ringmaster04

I dated women until I was 24, convinced that it was "what I was supposed to do" and that "it just felt right", but I never really felt what I was supposed to feel. It got to the point where if I had a date with someone and a friend asked me to hang out that night, I would instantly want to cancel the date. Shortly after that, I started to realize that what I was supposed to feel was what I felt when I was with my male best friend. I can't explain why it works that way, it just does for me. Regardless of how mundane hanging out with him was, everything we did just felt more important to me and I started to realize that I was miserable on nights we weren't hanging out and no one else in my group of friends elicited the same reaction from me. I've since gotten the early stages of that feeling with other guys, but haven't for other women regardless of how hard I tried. It's just the wiring, I guess. 

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KoiFishShoes

It is difficult for me to relate to women my own age well enough to even be friends with them, let alone develop romantic attraction! I recently developed a strong suspicion that I have autism, and based on my reading, it is apparently fairly normal for autistic women to have more male friends than female.

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Zagadka

That is a hard one. For many years I really thought I was bi because I misunderstood sexual attraction. And I wouldn't avoid a cuddle with a guy I was close to.

 

The question is what you mean by "date"... a monogamous relationship? A close friendship? A physical friendship? I could easily be jealous of a male friend who picks up a partner and favors spending time with them. As I said, I'd be happy to touch. I have never minded hugs. And I'd love to have a close friend of any gender. "Date" is a very ambiguous term to me at the moment, as I don't know if I am really aromantic. The main difference I have is aesthetic. I just have preferences.

 

Hell, I would prefer to live with a close male platonic friend. There would be far less pressure on the relationship.

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drisden
On 7/19/2019 at 4:56 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

First - it's not like I have any negative experiences (because I have no romantic or sexual experience whatsoever), but despite this I have some kind of distrust for men. I wouldn't like to drop into some essentialism, because people are different, we have first our personalities and only then gender. But still, gender differences do exist. And the female kind of personality is much more appealing to me. In fact, I know at least one woman whom I can't trust exactly because she is "masculine" to the point of being boorish.

And second - it also has a political aspect. I wouldn't mind being perceived as a lesbian, but couldn't stand being perceived as heterosexual. I'm not psychologically capable of any sex, with a person of any gender - but still, my aversion to straight sex is yet stronger than my exclusively personal ("yes, this is nice, but nevertheless not for me, I just couldn't personally have sex") aversion to lesbian sex. To me straight sex is inherently unequal and I just can't push this feeling away.

I feel absolutely the same holy f

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starweb

I never thought about this. When I was younger, my celebrity crushes were only on men, never women. There were women actors/singers etc that I admired, but I never experienced a 'girl crush' although Evangeline Lilly comes the closest, but that's not really a crush. I'd just like to be her friend.  My real life crushes were always on guys, although I didn't want them to touch me. I just liked thinking about them.

 

So the romantic attraction for women just does not exist, it never has. Why, I have no idea. 

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