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Hate from the 'sex positive' movement

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Anyone else experience this?

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AceMissBehaving

Not currently. I feel that the possibility some people don’t want to have sex gets left out of the conversation, but I’ve not had anyone be straight up hostile about it yet.

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Snao van der Cone

What kinds of hate are we talking about here? Threatening violence? Saying we're evil because we're not having sex? Trying to erase the existence of asexuality? Making assumptions that we're sex-negative? Leaving us out of the conversation? Not talking about asexuality as much as other orientations? I've only really been subjected to the last one, and I don't see it as a form of hate.

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35 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

What kinds of hate are we talking about here? Threatening violence? Saying we're evil because we're not having sex? Trying to erase the existence of asexuality? Making assumptions that we're sex-negative? Leaving us out of the conversation? Not talking about asexuality as much as other orientations?

I've pretty much experienced all of those. From threats of rape and emotional and even physical abuse (including actual rape) for not complying with people, saying that I shouldn't be allowed to exist, purposefully trying to sabotage my life, and on and on. To the point where its almost impossible for me to interact with most of the world.

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Chris Zulas

the sex positive movement is great when its doing what its supposed to instead of shoving hypersexuality and shittiness towards less sexual people at people who dont want it for themselves. not helped that the queer community LOVES sex positivity and shares with it the idea of erasing aspec identity. im leery of any non-aspec sex positive person i meet online same as i am when i meet someone whose bio is all political talk - u could be n prolly r good, but my experience has made me wince when i look at you

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Woodworker1968

What Chris Zulas said.

 

It's kind of an attitude that you're ungrateful when someone is trying to convince you how great sex is and how it can help you.

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uhtred

Lots of variations.  I try to push the idea that any sexuality that doesn't hurt others is OK, and to include asexuality in that list.  People can have any sort of sex that they want including no sex at all.

 

That said, I think that asexuality is not at all widely recognized as an orientation and it is easy to misinterpret it in all sort of negative ways.  Its sort of like homosexuality say 40 years ago when many people thought homosexuals were men who molested children.  Today some people think asexuals are selfish women who regulate sex to control their husbands.   (to be clear I believe neither of the above is actually true) 

  

 

 

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Strifed

I've never experienced this honestly? I've had a lot of people that don't "get" asexuality or don't understand why I don't date, but no one has really ever intruded on my sexuality on a very personal level or hated me/my lack of preferences. 

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Darth Plagueis the Wise

I haven’t seen much of this. If someone has interest in making sexual stuff not be considered a taboo, good for them. I’m sex repulsed and can’t understand why anyone would want to do any of it, so let me go sit in my corner playing video games while everyone else talks about that stuff.

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A Cool Fool
4 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Not currently. I feel that the possibility some people don’t want to have sex gets left out of the conversation, but I’ve not had anyone be straight up hostile about it yet.

Echoing AceMissBehaving here, I've never had anyone be hostile yet either.

Of course it's not the same thing, but my experiences of telling people I'm asexual has been similar to telling people I don't really drink. Once I've told them I don't drink, a lot of people usually just don't talk to me about drinking, or assume I would be disinterested in social events where drinking is involved. So far it's been the same with sex. Even if they don't understand "asexuality", they at least recognize that I'm not interested in sex. 

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Guest

I think I've realized part of the problem stemmed from me pretending to be sexual for a while just so I could try to relate to other people (by which I mean dressing the part and acting it not doing it). I actually wanted sex when I was younger, not because of physical attraction to the other person, but because I wanted to hurt myself. The desire for self harm came from everyone telling me I was ugly/worthless/etc due to being asexual, and also partially curiosity because we're just programmed that that is what we should do. So I pretended to be allosexual, made some very superficial friendships that didn't last, and regretted it all in the end. I think the lesson is that you need to stay true to yourself.

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Guest

so asexuality positive 👍

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Snao van der Cone
4 hours ago, alienanteater said:

I've pretty much experienced all of those. From threats of rape and emotional and even physical abuse (including actual rape) for not complying with people, saying that I shouldn't be allowed to exist, purposefully trying to sabotage my life, and on and on. To the point where its almost impossible for me to interact with most of the world.

Yikes, that is terrible. Sex positivity should be about positivity towards sexual diversity, including asexual people. Thinking sex should be forced upon anyone not already having it is not very positive at all. 

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Telecaster68

That's awful. You've been raped specifically as a hate act because you're asexual? 

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SkyenAutowegCaptain

@alienanteater, sorry to hear that you've had such horrible experiences - as Huggles may not be appropriate sends a virtual kitty to pet-

 

Reference the topic, I'm not surprised that there's a sex-positive movement, although I've never encountered it. However does sound like the sort of thing which descends into Waco style cults. 

 

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Guest
7 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

Reference the topic, I'm not surprised that there's a sex-positive movement, although I've never encountered it. However does sound like the sort of thing which descends into Waco style cults. 

Yea never heard of it either. Except I did.

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Guest
9 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

That's awful. You've been raped specifically as a hate act because you're asexual? 

I honestly don't know what the person's motivation for doing it was. But I have had people basically tell me that my existence has no value because of my orientation. And yes, asexuality can be a lifelong orientation, as I'm fairly certain most of us agree on.

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Guest
9 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Yikes, that is terrible. Sex positivity should be about positivity towards sexual diversity, including asexual people. Thinking sex should be forced upon anyone not already having it is not very positive at all. 

While I don't know exactly what my rapists motivations were, I know that there are people out there that do experience 'corrective rape' specifically because they're asexual. It hardly 'corrects' it, just reinforces what we already know, aside from the fact that it shouldn't have to happen to begin with. Rape is just flat out not ok, whether your are sex positive or not. I'd like to identify with the sex positive movement in the sense that all sexual or nonsexual (in relation to the other) identities are valid, but a lot of them really think that asexual people need to be corrected the same was Christians believe gay people need to be corrected. I realize not all people who identify with the movement are like that, but sadly some are. So I guess I'm not sex positive if rape is a sexual identity? Can people just get on with their lives and not have something that is awful for them forced upon them? I don't want to force asexuality on allosexuals. It's absurd. It wouldn't change their orientation just like rape doesn't change an asexuals person orientation. I honestly kind of envy hermits because they don't have to deal with that sort of thing.

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Mera

People hate what they do not understand.

I also haven't met any hostile reactions but it has always been more subtle such as guys thinking my asexuality is a challenge and people when I tell them I am asexual it is like they forget about it or ignore it and treat me like a sexual person.

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Guest
3 minutes ago, Mera said:

People hate what they do not understand.

I also haven't met any hostile reactions but it has always been more subtle such as guys thinking my asexuality is a challenge and people when I tell them I am asexual it is like they forget about it or ignore it and treat me like a sexual person.

Yea. On top of that, I'm sure people out there who say they are asexual to try to get into actual ace's pants. It makes me want to go just live on an asteroid in outer space.

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Zagadka

People would do that? Jesus.

 

Then again, I've heard of people who set out to make a gay person straight or whatever, so there isn't much that should be shocking about that.

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Telecaster68
4 hours ago, alienanteater said:

I know that there are people out there that do experience 'corrective rape' specifically because they're asexual. It

Not to devalue the awfulness of any rape ever, but this is increasingly asserted on AVEN as a given but nobody has ever come up with one concrete, specific case. It's starting to seem a lot like nothing more like a scary urban myth - people only hearing of it as something that everyone says happens isn't any kind of proof of anything. 

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oldgeeza

The nearest I've had to this stems from my own family, I was born towards the end of the 60's, when I was young, you were gay or straight, simple as, now I was a late developer, I looked but never attempted to touch, I found women attractive, I'd look from a distance, even now, I'm no different, but back then, because I wasn't into looking at porno magazines, watching porn, some members of my family thought this odd, back in the late 70's, early 80's there was still a lot of stigma attatched to being gay, they saw me as gay, I admit, I hadn't heard of the term asexual until maybe 2007, but I just knew that I had no interest in sex, my family judged me as being gay, the result being that one side of the family haven't spoken or had any contact with me since the 80's, I experienced many hateful comments from them, threats and the likes, but that's the way they are, for a while it had some affect on me, but as I've gotten older, I began to realise it was more of a blessing that they no longer bother with me, there's no pressures on me to "prove myself" to them, just as well really, as I've never managed to have a long term relationship and I haven't been involved in a relationship since 1991, never had any kids, knowing them as I do, I can imagine what they'd think of me now.

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Asexual_Fujoshi

Of course I have~ but that's mostly from thirsty guys. None of my friends care about who im doing or not doing.

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DarkStormyKnight

I've never personally experienced any, but a lot of sex-positive rhetoric makes me feel broken and icky, like I should be out there fucking everything I can just because.

Idk I think the sex positive movement needs asexuals and ace voices so it's important to engage when you can.

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GlamRocker

The vast majority of my interaction with people discussing asexuality is on the internet because I'm not out in real life. The climate of most of the world is a sex positive one. Most of the self identified sexuals on the internet do seem to think that anyone reporting actively avoiding sex are antisexuals, and if not that, then they're repressed.

 

No one but self identifying asexuals seem to think asexuality exists. Well, them and people who have been in a relationship with someone they themselves have labeled an asexual because they wouldn't have sex with them.

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WanderingKate

I haven't experienced this fortunately. The worst I've been through was a very sex positive acquaintance who was telling a story about turning down sex once and joking "well I guess I'm asexual now" and everyone laughed- asexuality being the butt of the joke. These girls had no idea that I was ace and it definitely wasn't a cruel-intentioned joke, but I remember still feeling my heart sink a little and my cheeks going red. Looking back it may have been me being a bit overdramatic, but I was newly out to myself as ace and a little oversensitive at the time. 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
On 8/30/2019 at 4:26 PM, GlamRocker said:

 

No one but self identifying asexuals seem to think asexuality exists. Well, them and people who have been in a relationship with someone they themselves have labeled an asexual because they wouldn't have sex with them.

I think I first heard of asexuality about six years ago.  I didn't know it was a thing until then but it didn't seem like some sort of untruth to me.  My now boyfriend came out as ace probably three years ago now, and it made a lot of sense.  Now that we're dating I understand it all on a much deeper level.  I also actively dove into the community though because I didn't want to eff things up with my partner by not understanding his orientation.  I'm not hetero though, so maybe it was easier for me to understand/be empathetic based on my own struggles.  I don't know.

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neverlove

The sex positivity sort of grosses me, and I don’t really agree with it in a sense. I don’t think all sex is great as long as everyone consents. Rather than pushing a sexual agenda, I feel like we should promote personal health. Encouraging people to repeatedly put themselves in emotionally and physically vulnerable positions without also speaking to the personal toll that can take is irresponsible. How many people on this site ended up pursuing sex because they were told that was the healthy, normal thing to do and then regret it? I don’t think this kind of thing happens to asexuals alone. Sexual experimentation is literally treating ourselves and our partners as test subjects and we are not encouraged to consider the ramifications of this aside from “wear a condom”.

People should be treated with love and respect, and I don’t think using each other for sex is included in that.

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Sally
1 hour ago, neverlove said:

People should be treated with love and respect, and I don’t think using each other for sex is included in that.

You seem to be implying that anyone who has sex, and experiments with sex, is devoid of feelings of respect for their partners.   That's certainly untrue.  

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