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gray-a girl

Am I Gray-A at all?

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gray-a girl

For awhile I thought I was, and then someone basically said to me "because you feel x way, you are not". 


I'm sorry if this is too much information, but I don't know how else to ask the question.

I am not sexually attracted to people. But a few years ago (I don't know why its still not the case) I was getting aroused a lot...but only by  kinks and fetishes. One of my fetishes is lack of control, another (consensual) exhibitionism, so people are required for it to work, but its not the people's bodies that turn me on. I also have kinks that don't require people so much too. When someone is very dominant, I used to like that a lot too....but it wasn't the person I was attracted to so much but rather the lack of control feeling.

I am also interested in sex, but only because it's similar to masterbation but adds a lack of control and amount of spontaneity to it. But it's not the people's bodies, or even a person's personality that does it for me.  At least, not 90% of the time (there was maybe a three times in the past... 25 years...where I found a person turned me on. But its not normally like that, hence why if I'm on the ace spectrum I always figured it would be gray-a).

I don't like kissing...at all. It's gross. Never have. Still don't understand it. (Well other than the friendly peck on the cheek thats ok).

I don't have a "sex drive" per say, as in, a physical drive or need to have sex. That I have never had. But I do like it and enjoy it when it happens, and wouldn't mind if it happened more frequently. (Currently in my relationship, it doesn't happen at all). I think this is the thing that someone on here said I'm not ace because of.

Now, for whatever reason, I am not being turned on as frequently like I used to by my kinks. In fact, there was only maybe a period of 8 months in my entire life where things regularly turned me on, and again it was kinks. But not anymore. Most of my life has been like I am now.

In my twenties I was so confused by my lack of interest in other people, that I thought I must be gay. Tried that, and I'm not. 

I probably do have hypoactive sexual desire disorder right now....probably have for most of my life except during those 8 months.... but even during those 8 months it was never about the person, always the kinks. The closest thing that maybe makes me think I'm not ace is that when someone is very dominant, i like that, so maybe that makes me not asexual I don't know.

Do I even sound like I could be ace? Before my current partner, I have been single most of my adult life. I usually dumped the person because of a lack of sexual attraction which I thought it should be there. My current partner is very kinky, so there was a sexual component for awhile, though its gone now.

Maybe my orientation is not asexual...but just, kink? I think there is some kind of orientation there. I just don't know if someone can be ace or not with it.

 

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Grey-Ace Ventura

First of all, keep in mind that labels aren't rigid. They're spectrums so your label might not fit 100% because everyone has different experiences and feelings.

 

And second, because you're not attracted to people, I think you're probably a kinky asexual and either sex-favorable or sex-indifferent. The fact that you like kinks that involve other people don't make you not asexual because it doesn't mean you're sexually attracted to them; it just means you need other people for the kink to work. And furthermore, there are many aces who get aroused by kinks. Arousal doesn't mean you're necessarily a sexual person.

 

You could also identify as grey because of that one person you were actually attracted to, but you don't necessarily NEED to factor in that exception, unless you want to.

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gray-a girl

So there can be sex-favorable Aces?

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Yes! Aces can be sex-repulsed, sex-indifferent, or sex-favorable. Not all aces hate sex, it's just that aces don't feel sexual attraction. It doesn't make you any less ace if you like having sex, because arousal and sexual attraction are two different things.

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Star Lion

The only spectrum is gray-sexuality on the sexuality spectrum though

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Grey-Ace Ventura

I'm talking about the asexuality spectrum, which has ace, grey, and demi on it.

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Star Lion
6 minutes ago, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

I'm talking about the asexuality spectrum, which has ace, grey, and demi on it.

I just don’t understand why we use “asexual spectrum” though. Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction while grey & demi do. That’s why many go by things such as “grey-bisexual” to show who they’re sexually attracted to and that they just experience their sexual attraction irregularly

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Grey-Ace Ventura
1 minute ago, Star Lion said:

I just don’t understand why we use “asexual spectrum” though. Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction while grey & demi do. That’s why many go by things such as “grey-bisexual” to show who they’re sexually attracted to and that they just experience their sexual attraction irregularly

I see your point, but I think we use the "asexual" and not the "sexual" spectrum because greys and demis are on the spectrum between aces and sexuals but relate much better and have more similar struggles and experiences to aces than to sexuals.

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gray-a girl
On 7/17/2019 at 7:12 PM, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

I see your point, but I think we use the "asexual" and not the "sexual" spectrum because greys and demis are on the spectrum between aces and sexuals but relate much better and have more similar struggles and experiences to aces than to sexuals.

Very true for me! I had a very hard time with the dating thing because someone would show interest in me, I thought sure why not? We would date, I wouldn’t feel sexual attraction, (nor want to kiss them) so then I’d dump them. Couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t attracted to anyone. At first I thought I was gay, so I tried that. Nope and when it comes to gay sex I am very sex repulsed. (I do not like eating girls out- it was gross).

 

I actually didn’t want sex for most of my life either because it used to hurt, and I saw no need for it. That caused me problems too. Perhaps if I had a need for sex I would have seen a doctor about it sooner. But mostly I just told guys no sex.

 

Recently with my current boyfriend, sex doesn’t hurt. But I’d consider myself Sex-favorable. We don’t have sex right now for some complex reasons, and unless I think about it I don’t really see a need for it. But it would be nice to do it more- it feels like masterbation does. (It feels good. Not as good as toys do though) But I basically have to think about it, to want it. it’s not my body wanting it. I don’t need or want sex over other forms of sexual stuff for example.

 

And I’m more gray-a in that I know how it’s supposed to work since it has a couple of times in my life. (I’m in my mid thirties so it’s been around 5 times. And that’s counting the times I was attracted for only a few seconds total to a person).  

 

So it’s so infrequent that I can’t decide “that’s the person I want to be with” because then I would be with nobody. I have to use other criteria. Even though I’m gray-a, that part of me is functionally asexual. I may know what it’s like to feel sexual attraction enough to explain it to people (well so think?), but 99% of the time I don’t feel it so I end up functioning like an asexual would 99% of the time. So I think a pure asexual and a gray-a have a lot more in common than a gray a and allosexual do.

 

I’m glad their are sex favorable asexuals and gray-as. If I can’t call myself gray-a then literally nothing else fits. Dating has been a problem for most of my life. How do you date someone when you don’t feel attraction to them? It’s very hard and pretending doesn’t feel right.

 

I am also very grossed out by kissing. That has also been a HUGE problem for me. I don’t like kissing at all and I don’t understand it. But it’s usually a requirement to kiss- French kiss- in a relationship. How do you tell your partner “I don’t want to kiss you?” If they assume you are a sexual or allosexual person? If they hear that usually that means to them, that you are not interested in them. So that has caused me problems too.

 

The only reason I’m even in a relationship now is that I am also kinky and a few years ago I realized that and came to terms with it. Because of that, and because I’m Sex favorable, I can probably get by with a kinky allosexual. As long as we leave out the kissing. But it’s not the person per say that turns me on but my kinks. 

 

I would say to anyone one who is asexual and not aromantic (well I’m not really sure what aromantic means) But if you can fall in love it’s definitely worth trying to find someone else- whether or not they are also asexual, Demi, gray-a, or if you are Sex favorable and they are sexual... the point is falling in love is amazing. I went most of my life without experiencing it because of the difficulty I had with a lack of attraction-and I never realized what I was missing. You don’t need sexual attraction to be in love!

 

Before my current relationship I was getting prepared to be single for the rest of my life. I was 31 and never held a relationship that lasted more than a few months. (My longest was 8 months because I wanted to see if my problem was intimacy or commitment issues, so I waited to see how long I could last. She ended up dumping me. I think she figured out I was not sexually attracted to her. If I had known I was Ace I wouldn’t have done that. But other than that, maybe my max was 2 months or around that). 

 

If anyone who is asexual (and can love)  is thinking that they will just be single for the rest of their lives- they will really be missing out on love! I am not really sure what “aromantic” is but I would even say that you can be in love without romance too. I don’t know if I would consider anything we do as romantic. But love- It’s a deep connection that I’ve never felt before and it’s really wonderful. 

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Well to clarify, aromantics are people who don't feel romantic attraction, so basically, they don't want romantic relationships and would much prefer good friendships.

 

And also I agree so much with

 

8 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

Even though I’m gray-a, that part of me is functionally asexual. I may know what it’s like to feel sexual attraction enough to explain it to people (well so think?), but 99% of the time I don’t feel it so I end up functioning like an asexual would 99% of the time. So I think a pure asexual and a gray-a have a lot more in common than a gray a and allosexual do.

because I'm also grey and I'm only not an ace because I experience sexual attraction maybe 0.5% of the time so I relate way more to aces than allosexuals.

 

I also agree with your point about love because even for sexual people, most relationships are NOT based on sex, but rather based on companionship.

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