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Fine with the Idea of Dating/Romance...


scoops ahoy

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scoops ahoy

Hi, all!

 

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection in the seemingly never-ending quest to figure out what romantic orientation label fits me best (since I discovered asexuality almost two years ago). Back in January 2018, I decided to try dating. I made a Tinder profile (as my other friends had done and used to just go on some dates), matched with and messaged some people, and ended up going on two dates with a guy. I thought he was cute, he was nice, and we had some of the same interests. The first date was simply dinner and walking around the nearby mall and river. We were just chatting, there wasn't really flirting going on - he ended up calling me cute at the end of the date when he was dropping me off at home, but I actually thought that was sweet. I had a nice time, so we decided to go out again. This time, we went to a local history museum. There was more flirting, especially on his end, and at some point he put his arm around my shoulders as we walked (and I eventually put mine around his waist). Even though it was really different from anything I've ever done before - that was my second date EVER - I wasn't uncomfortable. A bit later, we were approaching a small set of stairs with a ramp next to them. We went up the ramp, and I went in front of him because we couldn't go through side-by-side, and he (playfully) held on to my hips. When we got off the ramp and were side-by-side again and he had let go, I literally turned around and said "What are you doing??" and he said "Just having a good time!" I didn't feel unsafe or threatened or anything, but the hip grab and comment sat with me the wrong way. When I told my friends about this part of the date after, it received a mixed response from a laugh to "oh that's a bit odd." I still don't know what it was that I didn't like. Is it because it was a second date and I didn't know him very well, but if I had known him better would I have been more comfortable with it? Is it because we were in a public place? Do I just not like someone getting handsy with me? I truly don't know. It's frustrating because, even in the days after, I would think of it and be like "wait, what was the big deal?" and think "I could try dating again," but then I think of how I felt in that moment and how it was enough for me to say no to other dates. It's frustrating to look at something from afar and think "Oh, I'd like that," but when you're actually confronted with it, there's this disconnect.

 

I've also been thinking of the "crushes" I've had in my life. They've all been male, mostly celebrities or fictional characters. In high school I liked this guy I ended up going to my prom with, but he ghosted me and we haven't spoken in 5 years (which I'm totally over now so whatever). That's probably the most serious crush I've ever had - most of the time there's just a cute guy in class or something and I think "oh man he's really cute," but I've never felt inclined to ask anyone out. For a while I figured that I was heteroromantic, but now I'm wondering if I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

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SnowyzKitty

Hello!

 

I've had only one real dating experience myself, but I experienced the same confusion you are experiencing. I realized I was ace after the relationship was over and I had some time to think about why I felt so strangely about anything touchy-feely. More than that though, I had a lot of back and forth about weather ace really fit me, and why certain situations bothered me more than others. Since my relationship went on for a number of months, I had a lot of material to work off of and could slowly work out that I personally hate any contact like waist holding or touching in public, but it's okay when alone or around trusted friends. Another really big thing for me is how well I know someone. I may get crushes on people I don't really know, but in order to feel happy in a relationship I have to have a certain amount of social intimacy before dating them. I think all those questions are really good ones to ask yourself! It is just very hard to judge when you don't have any references to go off of.

 

As you can probably tell, I don't have much personal experience with being aromatic. I've always known I am too romantic not to be with someone in at least a romantic way. Besides that, though, I do have a friend that is going through a similar realization as you are. She has always liked the idea of dating someone, but when it came down to it she didn't find anything she actually liked from dating, so she is thinking she is indeed aro and ace. She still seems to want to date someone, but from what she has said to me, it's more for having a special bestie to call her own rather than any of the traditional dating stuff.

 

I hope this helps you a little!

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Blaiddmelyn

Tbh, if someone I'd only met twice suddenly grabbed my hips in public when I'm not expecting it, I'd probably be a little what the hell? so I'm not sure the fact you didn't like it means all that much. His response could have been a little more sensitive - if you were startled, he could at least apologise. I wouldn't put too much thought into it - even your mates seemed to agree it was an odd thing to do. 

 

I'd think about how you felt about the rest of the dates, and the guy himself. It sounded to me like you actually had a nice time apart from his weird hip-grab. That's not to say you're not aromantic but I wonder if you're putting a bit too much thought into one weird incident and you're worried that what he did was normal so you must be wrong. If you felt something more for him other than the weird hip-grab part, that might indicate something. 

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