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Blue kafka

Hello... I’m new here. Anyone from south east asia?

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Blue kafka

Hello... greeting from Indonesia ~

 

i’m new here. Nice to e-meet you all.

 

First of all, i’m sorry if my english is not quite good since it’s not my mother-language. So please spare me for my grammar mistake or miss typo in this thread.

 

anyway, i’ve realized that i’m probably an aromantic or asexual or demisexual since last year. But to be honest, until now, i’m still confused about myself. I could relate to some aspect but not all of it, which is why it’s so confusing to me so i don’t want to bother about it anymore. I just want to be me in a place where people won’t judge. So that’s why i decided to join this forum and hopefully get new friends along the way or (hopefully) a partner.

 

I noticed that i’ve attracted to men but in aestethically only, not for sex (i think). I love ongling hot/cute/handsome men with a nice body,lol, But only for looking and i don’t expect them to be attracted to me.

 

I’ve been single almost of my entire life. Got bored easily when i’m in relationship and mostly not interested to be in relationship, but i’m more than happy to have a very deep platonic or emotional bonding relationship rather than physically (i think). I’ve been in one before but got freaked out/repulsed when i realized my best friend have a crush on me so i back off from him even though both of us was still single at that time and most of our friends have thought that we were dating. Now he’s married to another women and he got worried when he knows that i’m still single. Lol.

 

i always panicked whenever there was a guy who like me and my respond was to cut them off completely or brushed off their feeling or pretending that i didn’t realized their feeling. I feel completely like an as**** but i can’t help it when i’m freaking out. I never have trauma with a bad relationship before (well, there is one but not so bad) so i still don’t understand why i’m acting like this and i also never fall in love with anyone before but I did have a crush though. 

 

I’m getting older now, almost 31 this year. My biggest problem now is that i’ve got peer pressure for getting married from everyone around me (from my coworkers, my boss) since last year. Until now, nothing is working. I tried dating apps, tried dating a guy recently for only one day though. And when he suddenly kissed me and touched me (suggestively) i felt disgusted. Like blaaghh... i can’t do it anymore so i stop using dating apps & cut off the guy.

 

i don’t know what i should do. On the other hand, i’m more comfortable and prefer to be single but on the other hand, i’m also afraid to be single forever. I’m afraid i will feel lonely in the future when i’m an old women. Lol.

 

Well i think that’s all from me. Sorry it was a long ranting. Have a great day to all of you!

 

cheers~

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LilacJay

Hi there!

 

AVEN isn't a dedicated dating website, and using it to find a partner is not its purpose.

 

Apart from sexual attraction, we generally distinguish between romantic attraction (feeings of love), sensual attraction (body contact), and aesthetic attraction. These can be part of us to vayring degrees and independently from each other. It's okay to be uncomfortable with romantic relationships, although that does not necessarily mean that you're aromantic, because even allosexual people can experience romantic anxieties. So, it boils down to wthether you somehow feel the need to engage with other people on a romantic level (despite your anxieties).

 

Many asexuals who don't feel the need to have a romantic relationship feel the pressure to have one, solely because they are expected to do so by their social surroundings. And, there isn't much to do about that, to be honest, apart from either accepting the pressure or to try to explain your feelings to others, which is not easy. Many people reject the concept of asexuality, because they lack empathy. It's hard to judge your situation from the outside, so it's your call. The best path of action is often to come out as asexual to one or more close friends or persons of trust and work out a solution with them.

 

I have come to the conclusion that the fear of dying alone is generally unfounded, since romantic partners may turn out to be less meaningful than anticipated, or they may die earlier than oneself. So, the idea to have a meaningful death alongside one's partner is mostly a romantic fantasy, which may work in a movie or a nice book, but not in reality. Also, I think that the moment of one's death is just one of many in a person's life and isn't inherently more special than any other unless one believes it to be. Furthermore, having a good friend or a family member nearby can be just as meaningful as a romantic partner.

 

Anyway, it's brave of you to talk about your thoughts and feelings and to open yourself, and I think it's an important step forward.

 

All that aside, welcome at AVEN, settle in and enjoy the cake!

Kek-Lapis-Indonesian-Layer-Cake-2.jpg?fi

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Lichley

Welcome! Wow you’re English is amazing, it’s better than mine and I’m from England :P 

chocolate-meringue-layer-cake-124699-1.j

 

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Hunji Qi

Hi! Welcome to AVEN and here is a cake for you which is also our traditional to welcome new members🍰 It has been great to read about your feelings and it is truly courageous of you to share them. I am from China and I can totally relate to the social pressure of finding a partner, and they believe that means gratifying life for them. Also, there is the ongoing leftover shaming targeting "old single women." However, this is your life, not theirs and it is important to ask yourself what you actually want, what you would like to include in a delightful life. Whether or not you are aromantic depends on your need for development of romantic relationships despite social pressure and the internal anxiety. It is totally okay to not feel comfortable to touch, and you are not alone feeling that way. Romantic attraction, which I define as the need to develop emotionally intimate relationships and sensual attraction, which I define as the need for intimate but nonsexual physical contact are two different things.

        Being single doesn't mean dying alone, what actually predicts that is not having well supportive social relationship. Explaining your feelings to such people with those strong preconceived ideas is never easy, but having such asexual identity, that is what we will have to face. Personally, I found the asexuality FQA section in the public forum useful in terms of helping to explain the feelings regarding asexuality.

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Blue kafka

Hello @LilacJay @Lichley @Hunji Qi Thank you for replying & reading my message. I really appreciate it. And thank you for the cake 😁

 

18 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! Wow you’re English is amazing, it’s better than mine and I’m from England :P 

Wiw, Thank you for your compliment. ❤️

 

 

20 hours ago, LilacJay said:

Many asexuals who don't feel the need to have a romantic relationship feel the pressure to have one, solely because they are expected to do so by their social surroundings. And, there isn't much to do about that, to be honest, apart from either accepting the pressure or to try to explain your feelings to others, which is not easy. Many people reject the concept of asexuality, because they lack empathy. It's hard to judge your situation from the outside, so it's your call. The best path of action is often to come out as asexual to one or more close friends or persons of trust and work out a solution with them.

This is so true. I wish that i have a strong mentality so i could handle the social pressure. But sadly, i’ve a very low self esteem and i’m still afraid to be judge by people. I have come out  to my best friends. They have accepted me but they didn’t understand a thing about aromantic or asexual even though i’ve tried to explained it to them. To simply put, they have their own conclusion that what happened to me is either because i somewhat have a traumatic romantic relationships or i simply haven’t met “the right person yet.”  You know, the typical things all people said. So yeah, i keep it to myself after that. I don’t expect people to understand it.

 

I also give hints to my coworker& my boss, that i have zero interest in marriage and all, but in the end my boss is still trying to push me by giving KPI/target for myself, herself and also my teammates to look for a potential lover for me. It is funny and very sweet of them to do so, but at the same time it’s also annoying and embarrassing because they’ve announced my single status to every person that they knew. That’s also one of the reason why i tried to look for a dating partner, so they would stop to do this unnecessary pressure they’ve put on me. I know it’s not a great idea, but that’s the only way that i can think of right now. 

 

6 hours ago, Hunji Qi said:

I am from China and I can totally relate to the social pressure of finding a partner, and they believe that means gratifying life for them. Also, there is the ongoing leftover shaming targeting "old single women." However, this is your life, not theirs and it is important to ask yourself what you actually want, what you would like to include in a delightful life.

What you said about the shaming for “old single women” is so true..  People in my country still consider a single women/men = weirdo. Or they always have a thing to say to all of single people out there, especially for women. And to be honest i feel sick to my stomach if i’ve become a target to something like that. I know I am weak, but i’ll try to become stronger from now on since it’s for my own sake.

 

7 hours ago, Hunji Qi said:

Personally, I found the asexuality FQA section in the public forum useful in terms of helping to explain the feelings regarding asexuality.

Got it. I’ll look the FQA to understand more about asexuality. 

 

wish me luck guys~

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MichaelTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Perhaps a QPR (Queerplatonic Relationship) is the answer? http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

You'd still have to find someone who's willing, and explain what it means, but you could be as close or as distant as you want.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Rapa Nui (Easter Island) Cake,

l5cae3tiphjamsqxyg2z.jpg

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Blue kafka
On 7/20/2019 at 2:19 AM, MichaelTannock said:

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Perhaps a QPR (Queerplatonic Relationship) is the answer? http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

You'd still have to find someone who's willing, and explain what it means, but you could be as close or as distant as you want.

l5cae3tiphjamsqxyg2z.jpg

 

Thank you for the cake! it looks awesome 🤩

 

and about the QPR, i’ve heard about it before but totally forgot what its called. I thought it was called QCP (me and my short time memories), no wonder i couldn’t find it anywhere. i’ll look more into it now. Thank you so much for the info.

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