Mythos1 Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 I'm leaning towards yes, but I am so confused. Okay a bit about me: I don't think I've ever had a crush. I'm definitely not a touchy-feely person. I hate kissing. I'm 26 and I have had four relationships in the past. I ended every one of them, and each time it felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders. Back then I put it down to 'we weren't compatible' or 'he just wasn't the right one', now I'm not too sure. I couldn't tell you if I've felt romantic attraction or if it was just platonic. I feel the same way about males as I do females which caused me to question if I was bi for several years (before I knew I was ace). The bottom line is, I melt at the prospect of QPR's. I would love to be close to someone and find that connection. I'd like to live with someone I have a bond with, but still possess my own individual life. Does that make sense? Can anyone shed some light? I'd love to hear your own experiences with aromanticism. Link to post Share on other sites
maybeimamazed Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 You sound aromantic to me, yes. Especially the "it felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders" part. I personally had crushes back in my teen years. I enjoyed looking at them, got butterflies in my stomach and all that. But I had never exchanged a single word with any of these people, so I don't know if what I felt qualified as romantic attraction. I tend to describe it as aesthetic attraction (which I still feel pretty strongly) dialed up due to hormones (remember, I was a teenager). The idea of a romantic relationship has always seemed tedious and uncomfortable to me. That's basically all there is to it. I want close friendships for life, but I need my independence and individuality. Link to post Share on other sites
certified_space_ace Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 I have no idea if you're aromantic or not, but I can tell you that I'm very much in the same boat. I identified as aro for a long time because I'm 27 and I've never been in a relationship, never had an ostensible crush. But I want all the things that seem to go with being in a romantic relationship. I want that closeness and I want a partner in life. I want to have someone I can always rely on and who will put our relationship first. I just can't figure out if that means I want a romantic relationship (and I just haven't realized it because romance is so linked with sex and I super don't want that) or if it's something else. This is about when my friends tell me that it doesn't matter and that I can call my relationships whatever I want. That's true to an extent, but in order to form a relationship with another person, you need to know what you want and be able to communicate that. I just feel like my chances are ticking by and by the time I figure out what I want, it's going to be too late somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
Mythos1 Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 @brehasolo I experience aesthetic attraction quite a lot, but I can't remember whether I had that in my teen years. Back then I was never interested in relationships, I used to roll my eyes when one of my friends gushed over a guy/girl...It's sounding more and more like I'm somewhere on the aro spectrum...hmm. @certified_space_ace Yeah, I feel you. Like, I think I want a romantic relationship but when I'm in one all I want to do is bail. It doesn't make sense. If romanticism was so cut and dry as my asexuality it'd be so much easier to determine what the heck I want 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 On Wednesday, July 17, 2019 at 2:03 PM, Mythos1 said: The bottom line is, I melt at the prospect of QPR's. I would love to be close to someone and find that connection. I'd like to live with someone I have a bond with, but still possess my own individual life. Does that make sense? Yes, it makes sense. But what you say is still ambiguous. What bond? What connection? Why do you want to live with someone and have this? How about having a bond or connection with someone you don't want or need to live with? Link to post Share on other sites
Mythos1 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 8 hours ago, Modern Jazz Hands said: Yes, it makes sense. But what you say is still ambiguous. What bond? What connection? Why do you want to live with someone and have this? How about having a bond or connection with someone you don't want or need to live with? That's where it all goes pear shaped for me. I mean, the way I would describe the 'connection/bond' I wish for is like that of a best friend: someone I can trust and talk to, someone that generally makes me happy to be around them. And, yeah, I think I would be pretty content if I had that with someone without living with them. The thing I find so confusing is romance. I can't seem to differentiate what romantic feelings are vs what platonic feelings are, and the fact that I don't think I've experienced romantic love before doesn't help. It's all so complicated... Link to post Share on other sites
maybeimamazed Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 4 hours ago, Mythos1 said: The thing I find so confusing is romance. I can't seem to differentiate what romantic feelings are vs what platonic feelings are If it helps, I have the exact same struggle. Meanwhile, non-aro aces seem flabbergasted by our confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Do you want emotional intimacy in the sense of feeling yourself to be part of an 'us'? Do you want someone to live with who you can love unconditionally and who will love you back unconditionally? Do you want a spiritual soul-mate? Or an intellectual kindred spirit? Do want to share the same bed/bedroom with someone? Do you want physical intimacy without sex? If paragraph 1 appeals you're romantic - you may or may not be asexual. If paragraph 2 appeals you may or may not be (a)sexual and/or (a)romantic. If paragraph 3 appeals you're asexual. And will presumably be romantic to some extent. If paragraph 1 and 3 appeal you're romantic asexual. If paragraph 2 and 3 appeal you're romantic asexual but want more than just romance. And because of this you might still be unsure as to whether or not you're romantic or aromantic. I agree it can be complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 One could say that a romantic person is someone who sees romance as being more than just friendship. (This is the usual viewpoint, i.e. that romance is friendship plus.) But one could also say that an aromantic person is someone who places a higher value on (close) friendship than romance. (This is counter-intuitive from the mainstream romantic-sexual viewpoint.) If you can't live without a lover, but you could sacrifice friendship with others for him/her, you're romantic. But what if you had a close friendship? Would you also need romance? Would you absolutely reject it if offered? Perhaps not. But then romance would be an adjunct to friendship, not vice-versa. Hence one could say that there is an aromantic spectrum. Some aromantics can tolerate romance as an adjunct, others see it as unnecessary or as being in the way. Could you live happily without romance? Do you have to make this choice if you flip things around and say that friendship is romance plus? In which case 'just friends' would put a different spin on the word 'just'... Link to post Share on other sites
Mythos1 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 2 hours ago, Modern Jazz Hands said: One could say that a romantic person is someone who sees romance as being more than just friendship. (This is the usual viewpoint, i.e. that romance is friendship plus.) But one could also say that an aromantic person is someone who places a higher value on (close) friendship than romance. (This is counter-intuitive from the mainstream romantic-sexual viewpoint.) If you can't live without a lover, but you could sacrifice friendship with others for him/her, you're romantic. But what if you had a close friendship? Would you also need romance? Would you absolutely reject it if offered? Perhaps not. But then romance would be an adjunct to friendship, not vice-versa. Hence one could say that there is an aromantic spectrum. Some aromantics can tolerate romance as an adjunct, others see it as unnecessary or as being in the way. Could you live happily without romance? Do you have to make this choice if you flip things around and say that friendship is romance plus? In which case 'just friends' would put a different spin on the word 'just'... Huh. This has made things a little clearer actually. I do value friendship over romance. Romance has destroyed a friendship of mine once before and I was more upset that I lost a friend. As to the question of whether I could live happily with romance...well, I have lived without a romantic partner for years and haven't missed it...so, that's something. Jeez! I think I've finally figured it out! Only took twenty odd years, ha! Thank you for being patient and helping clear a few things up. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 13 minutes ago, Mythos1 said: Jeez! I think I've finally figured it out! Only took twenty odd years, ha! Thank you for being patient and helping clear a few things up. No problem! I'm not saying you're just a label but just out of interest how would you describe yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
maybeimamazed Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 3 hours ago, Modern Jazz Hands said: But one could also say that an aromantic person is someone who places a higher value on (close) friendship than romance. (This is counter-intuitive from the mainstream romantic-sexual viewpoint.) So much THIS Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 2 minutes ago, brehasolo said: So much THIS I've just looked at your profile, brehasolo. It seems I first identified as ace (at the age of 18) 8 years before you were born. So I'm older than you are... The benefits of experience etc, etc Plus, I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to how long it actually took me to figure that one out! Link to post Share on other sites
Mythos1 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 Just now, Modern Jazz Hands said: No problem! I'm not saying you're just a label but just out of interest how would you describe yourself? I think I'm going to go with aroace, for the moment. I know I'm ace through and through, now seeing how I put friendship higher than romance, and (with the help of your questions) I don't care for a romantic partner in my life, I believe I'm on the aro spectrum. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Snap! Link to post Share on other sites
BambooRiver Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Just want to pop in and say that this thread is awesome. I'm glad people could come together and help someone figure things out. As a fellow aroace, welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
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