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What a year to come out


LeMotJust

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[CW: I some discussion of my current sexual relationship]

 

Hi all!

 

So I registered here last month when I discovered I'm demisexual, which was like learning that, hey, there's a name for what I've been feeling all my life! Since then I've been mostly lurking, building up the confidence to actually introduce myself, and trying to compose a "demisexual origin story" that wouldn't be too long and boring. I think I'll actually skip that, because I've noticed there isn't a lot of making people prove their asexuality here. 

 

Initially I was worried about "coming out" to my wife (we've been married 13 years), who isn't asexual at all. We have two young kids, and like a lot of couples with kids, we don't have a lot of time for sex. This doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I'm loving this new "cuddles only" phase of our relationship, and could go on like this forever. But she does need something more than that. I know (because she's told me) that she needs to feel I still desire her. And while my feelings about her haven't changed at all, sex isn't something it naturally occurs to me to initiate. So I'm worried if I discuss my demisexuality with her, she'll read it as "I don't fancy you anymore", which is just not the case. 

 

However, I now have something else to come out about. I don't know if its that re-thinking my sexuality enabled me to reevaluate other parts of my identity or if it's just a coincidence, but I'm pretty sure I'm genderqueer. I'm still in a learning/questioning phase with this, but it's a big deal. I can explain demisexuality to my wife, and it honestly has very little impact on our life together. But asking her to accept and acknowledge a nonbinary gender identity in me isn't going to be easy. I can't see how that won't affect the way she thinks and feels about me. 

 

Anyways, I turned 40 this year, and while you always hope milestone years will have some special significance, I would never have predicted I would learn I'm not a cishet man after all. I was more hoping I would get a bitchin' new job or something. 

 

So, thanks for reading. To close I'd like to say my favourite cake is cheesecake. Apart from that I much prefer pie. Coffee and pie, oh my!

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Wow! I'm glad that you're coming to these realizations about yourself, and I really hope everything works out. Happy late birthday, and here's some Cheese

Cake to celebrate ; )

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Welcome! Still time to do both and get an awesome new job too ;) 

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NickyTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish you luck coming out to your wife as Demisexual and Genderqueer!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Cheesecake,

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Welcome! I hope all goes well when you come out to your wife!

 

Image result for cheesecake

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Thanks for the welcome and the cake, everyone!

 

So, I just came out to my wife. 

 

She took the demisexual part really well.

 

The genderqueer part... Less well.

 

She wants to be supportive, but she started crying. Right now she needs some time alone to think about how she feels about this.

 

I am terrified.

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3 hours ago, LeMotJust said:

Thanks for the welcome and the cake, everyone!

 

So, I just came out to my wife. 

 

She took the demisexual part really well.

 

The genderqueer part... Less well.

 

She wants to be supportive, but she started crying. Right now she needs some time alone to think about how she feels about this.

 

I am terrified.

Hey just wanted to say my husband identifies as agender and this was a new thing. Initially the label threw me off. I guess what worried me most was what it meant for us ... what was going to change for him or for us. But we talked it through and I did a bunch of research on it. We both identify (before he also identified as agender) as asexual (which was a journey we took together sort of with me identifying as asexual first 🙂

 

And yes I think removing old labels opens up new views of yourself. And this could mean more realizations / unlabeling as you start to realize “you” versus the social construct of “you”.

 

I did also take time to think about it but no doubt as everyone says communication is what really helps. I needed some space to think about it but also I needed him to ask me how I felt (and I suck at feeling I hide behind analyzing 🙂 ) .  

 

Hang in there ... it sounds like she’s a good listener since she gets/is supportive of the demisexual part.

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Welcome LeMotJust :cake: 🥧 

Cheesecake is pretty awesome

 

after reading your follow up as well here's another slice of 🥧 

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15 hours ago, Catsncake said:

Hey just wanted to say my husband identifies as agender and this was a new thing. Initially the label threw me off. I guess what worried me most was what it meant for us ... what was going to change for him or for us. But we talked it through and I did a bunch of research on it. We both identify (before he also identified as agender) as asexual (which was a journey we took together sort of with me identifying as asexual first 🙂

 

And yes I think removing old labels opens up new views of yourself. And this could mean more realizations / unlabeling as you start to realize “you” versus the social construct of “you”.

 

I did also take time to think about it but no doubt as everyone says communication is what really helps. I needed some space to think about it but also I needed him to ask me how I felt (and I suck at feeling I hide behind analyzing 🙂 ) .  

 

Hang in there ... it sounds like she’s a good listener since she gets/is supportive of the demisexual part.

Thanks so much for your perspective on this. It's comforting to know others have come through situations like mine. 

 

I must admit I'm in a really dark place at the moment. I traditionally suck at feelings too (though I'm trying to do better). Both my wife and I have a tendency towards catastrophic thinking, and for me that leads to the fear that this will end in divorce. 

 

I'm trying to stay calm and remind myself that it doesn't mean that, and that we can do counselling and other things first. 

 

But it's hard. Yesterday was a bad day, and today may not be much better. Right now she won't touch me or look at me. 

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NickyTannock

@LeMotJust I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I wish there were something I could say to help.

The community is here for you if you need support.

 

@Catsncake A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I think that was very nice of you to comfort someone else by sharing your story in your first post!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Basket of Kittens Cake (all edible),

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