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How to figure out if I'm aromantic or if I'm just afraid of being in a relationship


maybeimamazed

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maybeimamazed

Let me put my "credentials" out there.

 

I'm 27. I'm a virgin. I've never been in a relationship. I've never been in love.

 

I've been identifying as aromantic for about 3 years. I only just came out as asexual last year. For most people it's the other way around, but that's how strongly I relate to the concept of aromanticism.

 

The idea of being in a romantic relationship bores me to tears at best and makes me downright uncomfortable at worst. But lately I've been wondering if this might be a state of mind rather than an orientation. I'm a very closed off person and I value my individuality above almost everything. So I wonder if I might just fall in love if I put myself out there with an open mind, even though it hasn't happened so far.

 

It's still distressing as fuck to think about it, but... I don't know. Can you fall in love against your will? Even if you don't want to? I guess that's a good way to put it.

 

I've been fretting over this so much that I caved and made a dating profile in one of those apps, against every fiber of my being. For some reason, it's way less distressing to do so in a lesbian/bi app (I'm a cis woman).

 

Help me out guys, any advice is appreciated.

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well sadly i dont know about all the other stuff except maybe individuality i mean when i was younger i loved being a loner, play video games all day watch cartoons and be on the computer even if it meant dealing with dial up.... oof  dial up :,(  but as i slowly got friends cause school kind of forces you to met others. my mind set changed a little. i like hanging out with my friends nowadays but once in awhile and i sometimes think maybe its cause im introverted but i like to just sit home and read a book or play a game or watch a movie. these things recharge my battery so to speak and i need it if im gonna hangout with another friend soon dont know if that applies to you but i do have moments where im like ah yes sipping some tea and enjoying a nice bowl of ramen by myself this is the life.

but falling in love against your will? yeah no that is not gonna be healthy and i feel its gonna make your mind absolutely miserable. you want to have a good and fun time with your life for as long as youll still be alive here on this planet to make yourself go through a process that is against your will? no its not worth that kind of suffering in my books. maybe perhaps see if you enjoy someones friendship more over relationship. find some like minded individuals who like the same things you do. they dont have to be aces but i think its highly recommended that you do since they understand friendship over relationships better then allo. but its always worth trying. i too decided to join a dating-like site only for ace people. and my goal is to be friends with ace people and not think of it as i want to date them or befriends with them thats why i say its dating-like as its also a place to just make friends. but peoples true intentions arent always made clear and some people tend to change there minds on what they want so there might still be those kind of people who want to date or have sex so just be careful out there. 

and as i said before its really all about what you want out of life and if you crave companionship over a romantic relationship or just nothing at all and go with buying a pet route. all are valid and no answer is wrong. think about your happiness so that one day when you bite the dust you didnt regret a single second. i wish you well on your journey :3

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3 hours ago, brehasolo said:

It's still distressing as fuck to think about it, but... I don't know. Can you fall in love against your will? Even if you don't want to? I guess that's a good way to put it.

After my recent experience, I can definitely say yes.

 

For reference, I'm a 31 years old sex repulsed male, also a virgin, never been in a real relationship, and until about 2-3 months ago I considered myself aromantic as well.  I've never really been interested in romantic relationships and although I do very well alone, I still think life is more fun with others.  Humans are social animals after all.  I've always approached relationships from a pragmatic standpoint rather than a romantic one, friends come and go because life happens and I only wanted a partner because theoretically they come and go with you.  I basically wanted a best friend that would always be my side.

 

Anyway, I fell in love for the first time in my life about 2-3 months ago with a friend who I was spending 4-5 days/week with.  We got along well and our personalities meshed.  However, I didn't want to fall in love with her because I didn't think she felt the same (and she didn't), I didn't want to think about her throughout the day, and I certainly didn't want to get jealous at the thought of her with other guys.  It happened anyway and I had to end our friendship as a brute force way of resolving my feelings (nothing else had worked).

 

I'm basically back to where I started now but I learned more about myself through that experience.  I guess my main advice to you is to approach things cautiously but don't be afraid, time changes all things.

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