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VictoriaRose

Asexual friend loves me??

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VictoriaRose

I hope it's ok to post this here I just have no idea where else to go and pour my heart out over this. I've nearly come here before and I kept stopping myself but I really really just need to get it out...

I’m almost 100% certain my asexual birom friend is in love with me. She’s my best friend, I’ve known her for several years and I’ve never been as been this close to anyone like I am with her. She keeps talking about platonic life partnerships all the time and she’ll say I’m the most important person in her life and she’s so blessed to have me and that she doesn’t deserve me. I’m heterosexual (although quite confused atm). We're best friends, we also go to each other for advice about everything, we have pet names for each other, a lot of our messages we fly back and forth could easily be mistaken for being romantic. I honestly think I might love her a bit too...while I was at work last month I saw that I’d had a message from her and it started off like “This has been on my mind for quite a while and I’ve been meaning to ask....” I didn’t even open it because I thought she was finally going to tell me she loved me and that was not something I wanted to rush a reply to because I’ve almost been wishing she would. When I opened it it was actually about something else and I felt sad (??) and all night I imagined sharing the same bed and cuddling with her, that’s not the first time. I’ve never experienced love like this for another girl so intense in my entire life. I want to be there for her, I want to protect her. I’ve never been in any sort of relationship before so I have no idea what to call these feelings? The last time we saw each other she gave me a peck on the cheek and that’s all I can see flashing through my mind and I start welling up. It’s almost as if I do want to share my life with her but at the same time that kind of relationship isn’t the sort I imagine for myself but then I feel jealous when I imagine her with someone else. I know that sounds selfish but I don’t want to loose her. I’m extremely confused. I just don’t want to hurt her. I love her too much for that. I honestly don’t know what to do. Should I keep quiet?

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GreyGirlofMeta

Hey-- don't be confused. Asexual partners do exist and they can have feelings for other people. If you imagine cuddling her, put some bronze on and ask her out. It's clear she likes you a whole lot. If you're afraid of losing her, then just ask how she feels and then maybe ask her if she wants to try a relationship (easier said than done, I know). Asexuals are allowed to have sex, have a relationship/lover. It's just they aren't sexually attracted to anything, but you shouldn't take that seriously.

 

Anyway, just give it a try. You send that message about how you've been meaning to ask her out. She's just opening up to you.

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Zagadka

Close relationships can be a really, really grey area that people approach differently. Being that close to someone but not in a "relationship" is complex. I would love to have a friend to be that close with and have some physical closeness, but not be in a relationship, but that isn't the same for everyone. I just hope that it isn't an either-or thing and you two can stay close no matter what.

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Nowhere Girl

I really envy you... Somehing like this would be just the ideal relationship for me, but just all these years I have never been lucky enough...

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Auld_Mulk

I hope I am reading you right.  My impression is the your feelings for your friend are indeed true.  Love, a genuine form.  English doesn't have words and even the Ancient Greeks missed a bit with philia (brotherly love) and  agapē (referring to a transcendent pure divine love for all humanity).  Brotherly love doesn't go far enough (imo) and Christianity co-oped the agapē meaning to only mean God could feel this love.  I think you have an extraordinary and rare love for your friend. 

 

As for your friend, she probably does love you in her way.  Asexuals see declared platonic relationships (QPRs) as a form of marriage, mutually exclusive pair bonds.  You should ask your friend what she wants in a life partner to better understand her expectations.  You should probably define your expectations of the same.  Often what we think we want flips upside-down when handed the opportunity for what is right.

 

Your description of how you feel towards her, the confusion in your words, (your run-on sentence structure implying a frantic unfiltered mindset 😉) and looking for help here says to me you feel these next choices will impact your happiness greatly one way or the other.  The best decision or the worst possible mistake and it is all right there balanced on a pinhead.  Take a deep breath and enjoy the blissful feelings.  Love is love and like I said you have a very rare kind. 

 

You are going to question yourself a lot (A LOT, a lot) in the next few days, weeks, months.  You will have to build a new identity around yourself, namely biromantic heterosexual for example, and discover all of what that means. 

 

And what @Nowhere Girl said.  I envy you too.  

 

Welcome to AVEN ...cake? [nods] Cake.

Maple+Belgian+Waffle+Cake+2.jpg

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Memento1

Be wary of holding too tightly to what you imagined something should or would be.  Life almost never turns out the way you imagine, and often when it does, it doesn't bring you the joy you thought it would.  Be open to what life presents - that doesn't mean go along with something that feels deeply wrong, but don't avoid something just because it's confusing.  Everything new is confusing.

 

One of the things that caused me a huge amount of pain in my life was keeping quiet about my own needs and wants.  That is not to say you should be aggressive about your desires, or expect that they will be fulfilled.  But putting them out there can lead to creative solutions you didn't expect.   I would say build up your courage and talk to your friend about what you've been feeling.  Heck, even be honest about your confusion and your uncertainty.  You're not locking yourself into an irreversible course by talking, and don't feel like it's all or nothing.  You're exploring :)

 

You've already shown a lot of bravery by posting here and being open about your confusion, your stress, and your conflicting desires.  I've been there!  I appreciate your honesty and courage.

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Anon192820
Posted (edited)

Hello! 

I relate to you so much... I was in the same situation last year. My bond with my friend (who’s also a girl) was (and still is) unbelievably strong and I had never felt such love to somebody ever before. I wanted to share a life with her, be there for her, be close to her and cuddle and hug her etc... and I also felt that the term best friend wasn’t enough. Because she was so much more to me, more than a best friend. I was SO confused, because neither of us are asexuals. She’s bisexual and biromantic - I’m heterosexual and heteroromantic. I started questioning my sexuality because what if I indeed felt attracted to her? 

 

Then I stumbled upon the term queer platonic relationship, which basically is a relationship where you’re not just friends but you’re not sexual or romantically attracted to each other. You’re like partners, but do not engage in sexual or romantic gestures or activities. And I felt that it was fitting to our relationship because even though I always wanted to be physically close to her and cuddle etc, I didn’t want to do anything sexual or romantic with her. My advice would be:

• Think about how YOU define romantic attraction and romantic things. Is it dates? Kissing? Making out? Touching each other in a romantic way? Would you do this to her? Is the thought of her being with you in that way tempting? In that case, you might have a crush on her too. If not - maybe it’s just deep platonic affection. Good luck!

Edited by Anon192820
Grammar

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