Jump to content

How do you know your aromantic?


Cryowolf

Recommended Posts

so as the name suggests. just how do you know?

ive looked up the term, ive read up the forums here but im still so confused. recently i saw a post on facebook that the was they describe an aromantic and i found myself feeling the majority of what it ment. i was like holy cow is that me? now the tough thing about this is i want to be close to someone and im having a hard time figuring out if its romantic or i just want that connection. i try to rationalize it as i like cuddling. so i cuddle with my dog? do i want a romantic relationship with my dog? well no i just love being close to him. i love hugging people and i love it when they hug me. do i want to be with every single person that hugs me like my mom or older brother? well no. but then you get something like hand holding. well i like the comfort i feel when someone holds my hand to let me know that they got my back as i walk further into there bed room to do battle with the spider on the ceiling.

so how about kissing? clearly thats romantic right? i mean some would consider cuddling, handing holding and such as romantic, a couples thing but there not right? so kissing must be the clear line. but yet i see gay men kiss there best friends who are girls on the lips. they dont make out. its just peck peck ok done. but there gay so they dont like there best friend in a romatnic way because well.... there gay. now im not entirely to sure im ok with kissing myself as in my experience kissing leads to sex or at least making out with someone does. but then i felt the same way about cuddling and holding hands but those where allo people i experience that with and i didnt want to engage in those act ivies for a long time until i did start meeting at least two allo women who like to hold my hand and one of them likes to cuddle and put her head on my shoulder but both women never liked me in a romantic or sexual way so what gives?

then yesterday i saw a video starring David Jay the founder of this lovely website and he was in front of a lot of people talking about the difference between romantic relationships and a strong connection. he talked about how over the years he got to know and love this one guy he would always have adventures with and there came a point when David talk to his friend to discuss there relationship and knowledge how close they where. the relationship didnt become romantic it was just a very close friendship that both parties share. and it got me thinking about myself and romance. i dont know if i desire romance maybe i desire a super close relationship with a friend and the things ive listed above such as hand holding, cuddling and kissing in much media and in real life is stuff that friends can and will do together cause they know its nothing more then platonic. 

but because the way society has interpret handing holding, cuddling etc its always viewed as a romantic gesture. one of my favorite movies "lord of the rings" has shown two guys bonding and at one point someone would kiss the others forehead which is something many many people would see as romantic because why in the world would you kiss your friends head unless you must want them. however many of this could be as sensual rather then romantic.... i dont know im still new at this whole terms thing but as i said the things i want seem to fall under the yeah totally friends thing but how the world has come to see such behaviors its seen as romantic therefore im not aromantic because of what i want in a friendship. so.... i dont know what am i? what do i identify as? branding myself panromantic just seemed easier only because of the fact i love everyone. man, women, questioning, binary, fire breathing lizard or bird. whatever it is i will love it provided they arent terrible people wishing to cause harm on to others. i love what few friends i have to death! ill do anything for them. shower them with gifts, food, money. ill cook for them ill take care of them, wash there clothes drive them someone. its an intense powerful feeling i get when im with them but i dont want to be in a ralationship with them i just want to be near them at an almost unhealty 24/7 but sadly they cant love or treat me the way that i would like cause they have family or kids or in a relationship. or because they are allo they see holding hands, cuddling, kissing as romantic or gay (its a group of 2 guys and the majority of others as women) so the deep connection i want they cant provide because of how society has made them view such things. 

and i wonder.... because of the way society views it does that mean im really trying to be romantic or perhaps im really aromantic but i love to do things for others that appear romantic to the vast majority simply because of how we where raised up? i dont know... sorry i made this very long but i had to get a lot off my chest. what do you all think? lol for the poor souls who read this far.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat

I don't think anyone knows definite answer to that... That said, I seem to see romantic people always talking about how pretty or handsome someone is, so I assume that's the difference, romantics will love you mainly for your look. If you don't care how others look, you might as well call yourself aro and do all that cute stuff with anyone you want, without going through the usual romantic 'meat market' 😺

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Marcin lol wow i never really thought of it that way. if it is indeed true yeah i dont care for looks. everyone is beautiful in my eyes until they give me a reason to say otherwise *such as they harm animals in a non food related way or they like to hurt people* but of course thats mainly cause i wouldnt want to have kind of friend like that as it clashes with what i believe in. if anything if someone does ask if i think someone is pretty or handsome i always respond with there pretty cool not once mentioning how i feel about there looks cause i dont see looks i see a person. maybe i like the way they dress cause i also what to wear that shirt or dress but thats really about it. huh in a way youve given me much to think about but in a good way thanks for that

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess it's real easy for me, personally. Because all that cuddly stuff, hand-holding and kissing and generally being... enmeshed, I can say with absolute certainty, is NOT for me. In any form, romantic or "platonic".

 

I like my friendships pretty much "the way society views it". There's no part of me that's romantic.

Link to post
Share on other sites
NickyTannock

I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Romantic and Aromantic Orientations'.
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It was rather easy to determine that for me. Basically, the thought of a relationship has always seemed daunting to me. I used to imagine being in one and it sounded always awful.  And romantic acts don't seem very pleasant to me. But what made me realise that I was aromantic was the fact that I used to have well-crafted plans in order to avoid potential relationships (e.g creating a fake boyfriend.) Romantic people don't go to such lengths!

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Whatsis yeah thats how some aro aces have come out to say in terms of romance and for a while i thought well maybe im not aro. but after looking into the definition some more and finding other posts some would say no aro tend to have some want or need not all of them but some do so for me i had to think hard and figure out ok what have i seen society tell me is "this is romantic" and cross reference it to aro aces who have said "this is platonic" sadly no matter what. it has never been nope this 100% absolutely what aros want and say. so its almost like i kind of had to just make up my own definition to warrant how different i am compare to many aro aces who have gone down the route of platonic or queer/quasi/zucchini platonic relationships

@Aldis Friedman yeah thats actually one of the things i read in the post that for many aros keeping or maintaining a relationship felt daunting. like it was a chore. ive only ever had one relationship and this was way before i found out i was ace. to me it was so hard keeping myself wanting to be in the relationship. at first it was like ok i kind of like this. im close to this person. she wants to cuddle and hold my hand out and public awe how sweet i feel happy but then when she kissed me i get self conscious like eh im out and public and she wants to suck my face. i dont know how i feel about this. then sex started happening and i was just "oh god get me out of here!" but i didnt want to say that cause that just be really rude and messed up so i just tough it out and did it for her because i didnt want make her sad but because there was that difficulty she started blaming herself and things got worse sense i didnt know what the heck was wrong with me and so the relationship ended. i bring this up cause i dont know if the relationship was daunting because i had to meet her every need sexually but i couldnt cause i was ace but didnt know it at the time or maybe i never saw it as a romantic relationship just a moment where i could be super close to someone. something i never experience before as i got no love from my parents/family the way a normal kid would unless you count being punched in the face by your mom as a kind of love. and any friends that did get that close to me with touching and stuff besides the two allo's i mention it was always accompany with sex and i already had this intense fear about that. so i just dont know. in terms of avoiding relationships i just tell people i was broken and ill just disappoint you like i have with everyone else. making up a fake relationship just wasnt gonna cut it as i let people into my life a bit too much and they will quickly wonder... hey wheres your boyfriend/girlfriend at. i dont know i dont lie to people im always honest but thats because as a kid if i got caught lying mommy and daddy will make few more bruises id need to hide from my teachers. lol so yeah i grew into a fear of lying. thanks mom and dad

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, @Cryowolf, I'm at least as confused as you are about what all is considered aromantic, lol. I, too, hear about aro aces and "queer/quasi/zucchini platonic relationships", and I think, alright!, whatever works for ya. I just know that that's not me. I don't share any such inclination. For instance, if somebody wanted me to cuddle and hold my hand in public, I definitely wouldn't feel happy, lol.

 

That's why I say it's easy for me to know, without a doubt, that I'm not romantic. I don't have any confusing feelings or experiences that would have me guessing at where exactly the borderlines might be between romantic and aromantic, like other aros seem to. I don't envy that!

Link to post
Share on other sites
letusdeleteouraccounts

I don’t fall in love or experience romantic infatuation, so that’s how I know I’m aromantic. The closest thing that comes to it is a squish where I can be pretty emotionally obsessed with the person. I realize the difference between that and romantic atrraction is that I have no desire to experience those feelings in a partnership with the person nor do I have the slightest problem with calling it platonic. Describing my experiences with squishes might sound like a crush but do I ever want or desire to date this person? Not at all. I want us to continue our friendship and for you to finally be the best friend I’ve been waiting for that I can go have fun with whenever I’m bored (which is most of the time), call when I need to vent, and have laughs with because we know each other so well. You’re not my soulmate, you’re a potential BFF and could be like a brother to me if you were to actually put effort into a friendship between us

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just lack any interest in having a romantic relationship with another person - not just because it seems like way too much work (good relationships do take work regardless of the kind), but because I'm just not interested. I'm also pretty oblivious, and, in the past, have missed cues others pick up as a matter of course. This happened when I was 15 or so and guy I was friends with started crushing on me. When I was told by another friend of his of this fact, I didn't believe her and still didn't get it a couple of months later when the guy in question announced he wanted to get married after high school (what 15 year old boy thinks about marriage after high school? Cue obliviousness - I'm aro-ace to the core).

 

Friendship? Let's do this thing. Romance? Only in books, please.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza
7 hours ago, Marcin said:

I don't think anyone knows definite answer to that... That said, I seem to see romantic people always talking about how pretty or handsome someone is, so I assume that's the difference, romantics will love you mainly for your look. If you don't care how others look, you might as well call yourself aro and do all that cute stuff with anyone you want, without going through the usual romantic 'meat market' 😺

Incorrect. Appearance may play a role but it is not the main event. My SO isn't my "type" at all, but we still clicked. My other car IS my "type" but I don't see him romantically at all.

 

OP, I am aro towards humans, yet I wouldn't be opposed to living with my best mate. I have let her lean on me and we have hugged. Kissing is definitely out of bounds but that's just cos I don't like physical contact with humans; I kiss my non-romantic car everyday. I've never felt romantic feelings towards a human, I can't even fathom it, but clearly I don't get a crush on every vehicle I meet either. Clearly, somewhere along the line, a subconscious flip is switched.

 

My romantic partner (my other car) brings out all the soppy romantic feelings in me; I feel differently about him in a way I do no one else. There is no other way to describe it, it just feels different. Usually there will be activities you do with a SO you won't do with anyone else; with us it's long kisses and longer physical contact (exempting mechanical maintenance here). With sexuals, sex is generally one of those things too. Everyone will have different boundaries, but it all boils down to feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess this is one of those things where if you are confused about it and you find yourself asking that question, then chances are that you ARE aromatic. Because if you weren't, then you most likely would have felt some sort of romantic desire, feelings or inclination at some point, and you would probably recognise that what you were feeling was romance related.

Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:
7 hours ago, Marcin said:

I don't think anyone knows definite answer to that... That said, I seem to see romantic people always talking about how pretty or handsome someone is, so I assume that's the difference, romantics will love you mainly for your look. If you don't care how others look, you might as well call yourself aro and do all that cute stuff with anyone you want, without going through the usual romantic 'meat market' 😺

Incorrect. Appearance may play a role but it is not the main event.

I agree with Anthracite_Impreza, looks aren't what romantic attraction are about. They may play a part in drawing one's attention to another person, but there are other things that are not so obvious - personality, the way they speak or act, sharing of ideas and ideology, connecting on a purely mental level, hitting the "right" spots in one's feelings and thoughts ... - there are any number of things that might lead one to having romantic feelings to another/others, but to isolate attraction down to one thing is not that simple (and is kind of shallow - which is why I don't listen to people who wax on and on about how another person looks).

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'mTheDecoy

I have no idea what romantic attraction is.  Therefore I assume I am aromantic.  Every time an alloromantic asexual describes romantic attraction to me, it just sounds the same as sexual attraction to me.  I am unable to separate the two in my head.  I assume a lack of comprehension is probably indicative of a lack of experience.  The two things just seem so intrinsically connected from my point of view.  I can't imagine how French-kissing for example could *not* be sexual.  But apparently it can.  I try to remember to respect this stuff even when I don't understand it.

 

I am still attracted to other people - just not in any kind of gooey way. I still crave platonic closeness.  Just none of that stuff that I would consider the cute side of foreplay.  Maybe because I learned long ago that that stuff is usually a precursor to sex, or that if you start kissing someone they might expect you to want sex.  But I have never wanted to kiss anyone, ever, the same way I have never felt any need to have sex with a person.  I can imagine it, and I can imagine it being nice, (both sex and kissing) in a fictional setting, but I have never had any like real life attraction towards doing that with a real life person.  I also hate having my hand held and am slightly touch-averse in general.  Cuddling with a friend can be nice though.  I do live in a sort of accidental QPR for 14 years now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
3 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Incorrect. Appearance may play a role but it is not the main event. My SO isn't my "type" at all, but we still clicked. My other car IS my "type" but I don't see him romantically at all.

Hmm, this is where it gets confusing, since romantics usually describe "their type" as "someone they can be romantically attracted to", so if they do get attracted to someone, then target of their feeling, by definition, becomes "their type". Or is there a different meaning to this term?


 

3 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

I can't imagine how French-kissing for example could *not* be sexual.  But apparently it can.  I try to remember to respect this stuff even when I don't understand it. 

Maybe better term would be erotic? Sex is usually used to describe, hmm, 'genital action' of any kind between two participants. While erotic would be anything that is arousing. Then it would make sense, because "french kissing" seems to be done for erotic effect, yet people might still not feel like getting into each others pants.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza
20 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Hmm, this is where it gets confusing, since romantics usually describe "their type" as "someone they can be romantically attracted to", so if they do get attracted to someone, then target of their feeling, by definition, becomes "their type". Or is there a different meaning to this term

In this instance, I mean aesthetic type.

Link to post
Share on other sites
maybeimamazed
8 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

I have no idea what romantic attraction is.  Therefore I assume I am aromantic.  Every time an alloromantic asexual describes romantic attraction to me, it just sounds the same as sexual attraction to me.  I am unable to separate the two in my head.  I assume a lack of comprehension is probably indicative of a lack of experience.  The two things just seem so intrinsically connected from my point of view.  I can't imagine how French-kissing for example could *not* be sexual.  But apparently it can.  I try to remember to respect this stuff even when I don't understand it.

 

OMG bingo!

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Star Lion yeah i feel like i get Squishes more then an romantic attraction. the way i feel for someone is hey this person is fun to talk to i smile more then im use to and we just get a long so my next instinct is i want to spend time with them as much as i possibly can because why would i sit in front of my computer all day when i could go and try this new burger place with my friend and that part there the fact i always call them friend and not potential love interest is why i feel i just want a deep connect with them as oppose to romance but because a lot of my other friends who are allo they would tell me or notice hey you sure like spending a lot of time with this person perhaps you like them? its only then does the thought occur to me.... wait do i actually like like this person? and from there everything gets confused cause society brings it up as. if you like spending time with someone a lot it must mean your into them on a romantic way. maybe sex later type thing but i never saw it that way. to me i was just having a good time with this friend and so thats what messes me up a lot is when someone brings up the fact i am spending a lot of time with someone especially if its a women since apparently a man cant have a female friend they simply must be in a relationship which i always thought of it as bull crap. and it would piss me off when someone brings that up. yet two guys can be friends but no one thinks there gay. i dont know i really hate that mentality

@fuzzipueo yeah thats another thing i never noticed was if someone was into me. many friends would tell me hey that girl likes you or hey girl that smiled at you she must be into you and im always confused as what? yeah right and then a had at least two girls who where obviously into me and i mean obviously as in to everyone else it was clearly there but me im like hey this person sure likes being around me a lot eh its cool i like talking to this person and listening to her. but later they would finally make there intentions known and they wonder how come i never picked up there cues and i would have to apologize cause oops i didnt know those where cues and even after they confessed i never liked them anymore but i was willing to try cause i dont know i feel bad? or maybe something would switch but that quickly went all bad and i just realized oh i never did see you any other way.... sorry. and it goes double with looks like i can see people being aesthetically pleasing but i wouldn't want to be with them or have sex. it be more along the lines of i want to look like you and also where did you get that killer outfit cause damn i want to wear it!
 

9 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

Maybe because I learned long ago that that stuff is usually a precursor to sex, or that if you start kissing someone they might expect you to want sex.  But I have never wanted to kiss anyone, ever, the same way I have never felt any need to have sex with a person.

ah when you said that thats how i use to feel about hand holding and cuddling. every time a friend would do that with me i would quickly find out... oh she wants sex as well and sense i already am sex replusied i would not even want to do those things with anyone because of my experiences ive had but at least with one of my allo friends she likes to cuddle and put her head on my shoulders and at first i thought oh great her is another friend that likes me and wants sex.... just when i was beginning to enjoy my time with this person. but when i asked her if she liked me either romantically or sexually she said no i dont see you that way i see you as a close friend that ive never been with anyone else and that the reason she cuddles with me is because she trusts i wont try anything like all the other men would do. so because of that conversation me and her have a tight bond. were still working on all the bits and pieces as i just found out im asexual like 3 months ago and i havent had a time to have a one on one with her but when she'd cuddles with me after that conversation many of my fears would go away because i too know shes not gonna want to have sex later and its honestly such a relief i dont know if she will be down to have a platonic relationship like i would as she still is allo and definitely loves sex but i dont know its something i could ask of her one day. as far as kissing its still very mixed because of just how extremely close it relations to romantic and sexual attraction and it might even be something ill never be comfortable with. but i dont know. theres much i still havent figured out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Anthracite_Impreza i forgot to mention you but i like the whole love and non love for your Cars which for me is the same way i use my dog as a reason. i love my dog and i give him kisses all the time same i hugs and cuddles but i dont romantically love my dog nor do i want to have sex with it. its the same way as i love ramen noodles. that sweet aroma and the delicious textures oh man! ill even kiss the bowl and hug it if im feeling particular happy to enjoy a meal but again i dont want sex with ramen noodles although im not sure how that would work nor do i romantically love ramen i just really enjoy the flavor and want to eat more much to my fat butts sorrows so i like that you include your cars into the mix. also and this may be bit sad or depressing but i grew up in a messed up family home so i suffered a lot of truama at the hands of my parents where physical touch to many would be comfortable but to me it was.... oh damn im about to get punched or slapped so i was very uncomfortable with touch even to this day. but for me the kind of friendship i want would require me to get passed my fears. now it doesnt mean i want you or any person who is touch repulsed to just face there fears or sickness but its just that for me im making myself uncomfortable just so i can the desire closeness i want with my friends because like i said i have at least one that wants to be close but because of my fears its interfering with my ability to allow that so im doing it not only for her but also for me as well so thats why im telling myself i want to hold hands or cuddle cause its empowering me to be ok with touch and not think of it as my friend wanting to hurt me like my parents did. so thats just for me

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'mTheDecoy
23 hours ago, Marcin said:

Maybe better term would be erotic? Sex is usually used to describe, hmm, 'genital action' of any kind between two participants. While erotic would be anything that is arousing. Then it would make sense, because "french kissing" seems to be done for erotic effect, yet people might still not feel like getting into each others pants.

Haha, that still goes right over my head.  How can something be erotic and therefore arousing but not sexual?

 

 

17 hours ago, Cryowolf said:

ah when you said that thats how i use to feel about hand holding and cuddling. every time a friend would do that with me i would quickly find out... oh she wants sex as well and sense i already am sex replusied i would not even want to do those things with anyone because of my experiences ive had but at least with one of my allo friends she likes to cuddle and put her head on my shoulders and at first i thought oh great her is another friend that likes me and wants sex.... just when i was beginning to enjoy my time with this person. but when i asked her if she liked me either romantically or sexually she said no i dont see you that way i see you as a close friend that ive never been with anyone else and that the reason she cuddles with me is because she trusts i wont try anything like all the other men would do. so because of that conversation me and her have a tight bond. were still working on all the bits and pieces as i just found out im asexual like 3 months ago and i havent had a time to have a one on one with her but when she'd cuddles with me after that conversation many of my fears would go away because i too know shes not gonna want to have sex later and its honestly such a relief i dont know if she will be down to have a platonic relationship like i would as she still is allo and definitely loves sex but i dont know its something i could ask of her one day. as far as kissing its still very mixed because of just how extremely close it relations to romantic and sexual attraction and it might even be something ill never be comfortable with. but i dont know. theres much i still havent figured out.

I do cuddle some with my best friend/QPR and that can be comforting.  I would like to cuddle with my pets but they won't sit still long enough.  But I despise hand-holding and even skin-on-skin contact.  I am definitely touch-averse.  Touch where clothing is in between is okay I guess.  Sometimes I wish it was more sociably acceptable to touch your friends.  Unfortunately most of mine have known me a long time, I was hating having to hug when I was younger so they also respect my boundaries now even if some of my boundaries have changed,

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
1 minute ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

Haha, that still goes right over my head.  How can something be erotic and therefore arousing but not sexual?

Because when allos talk about sex, they mean fiddling with each others genitals in erotic way. If you get aroused and even orgasm by, let's say, beating people with a stick, no one will call it sex (just fetish).

I think confusion arises because 'sexual' is often used interchangeably with 'erotic'. Joy of vague and badly defined terms 😺

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza

@Cryowolf I am in a romantic partnership with one of my cars though, that's how I know the difference. I can see both sides in being completely aro with humans, and a soppy romantic with vehicles (well, as of now, one RL vehicle).

 

I'm sorry about your trauma though, I was abused too. Luckily I have no need to "get over" my human touch aversion, because it feels unnatural to me anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just Somebody

It doesn't really matter about the actions or behaviors involved in a romantic relationship when we try to use them to define what that is, it doesn't work because what actions and behaviors people are comfortable performing inside romantic relationships are quite subjective, the boundaries drawn between different kinds of bonds are subjective/personal. (Ex.: for some people it's part of some of their friendships to mouth kiss their friends as they're comfortable with this , while for other people affectionate kinds of touching is only comfortable for them inside what they call romantic relationships for them).

 

But in majority of the time, our boundaries drawn between different kinds of bonds are internalized from or influenced by the socio-cultural-historical environment We socially Interact With and Live In or We were Raised In,  I'll Explain Better Below. 

 

 

You know you're romantic when an object of desire (someone) for whatever reasons catches (attracts) your attention and you desire to have a bond with them (it doesn't matter whether or not your actually acting upon these feelings and going after it) and specifically desiring to call/name/label/title that one bond a romantic relationship instead of any other kind of bond (name/label).... and usually people identify desired bonds as romantic relationships based on their personal reasons and boundaries and terms on what they consider personally part of a romantic relationship (for them) or on the personal/subjective/psychological/emotional impacts that your action of  calling/namimg/labeling/identifying this bond would have   ... or they identify the desired bonds as romantic relationships based on socio-cultural-historical standards and reasons or based on the social impacts the way you name/call/title/identify this bond would have.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...