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Have a slice of coming-out cake


Generalist

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Hi. I'm M.

 

*Imagine a hundred-layer cake with swags of frosting and a bajillion marzipan ace flags*

 

My life needs more asexual people in it! Right now there's just one (me), and unfortunately no one I know would be sympathetic if they knew.

I've known about my being asexual since I was twelve (25 now). I like my black ring and I wear it often.

So what prompted me to join up on Aven now? It's part of a more general project for me to engage with the world. I've been taking my cues from it about what sides of me to show, which is a bad idea I do not recommend.

Now I'm going to act as if I'm out, instead of worrying. In the sense that, I'll be me, and if anyone asks about my reactions, I'll tell them. I hope I get polite reactions, but if I don't, I'll deal.

 

It would really help to have advice and support from ace friends, and also aces online. Especially advice from asexual aromantics who are really confident and have a lot of experience being their own ambassadors to the world. How did you become confident? Is the secret just tons of social skills?

How do you make the label work for you and not against you?

 

I've never posted on a forum. How do you add pictures of cake?! 

 

I'll be going to the meet-up section (Ottawa, Canada).

 

And I'm excited that asexual representation is getting better! I like Shortland St. and Bojack Horseman, and I haven't read "Jughead" yet, but it's on my list.

 

The reason I called myself Generalist is I am on a mission to find 'the generalists'-- people who generalise instead of specialise.

 

Thanks

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AceMissBehaving

Hi M!

 

Welcome to the forums! I joined here for similar reasons and it’s been working out for me at least.

 

I’m not aromantic, but found that the more authentic I’ve been able to be in the world about who I am, the more confident and happy I become. It’s hard to shine and hide at the same time. Some of it has been “fake it till you make it” in the conference department. It can be a lot like jumping off the high dive, at first there’s a lot of fear and doubt, but you jump anyway, then after awhile those feelings start to disappear. 

 

As for making the labels work for me instead of against me, I try to put the focus less on what I don’t feel/want, and more on what I do. I also took time to recognize the ways my being ace positively effects my life and personality.

 

I don’t give an inch if someone tries to diminish any part of my identity and experience. They can learn and grow, but I won’t pretend they are right if they start down any of the various invalidating paths people sometimes chose to try go down. That has been the hardest part for me as something of a people pleaser, I usually like to find some common ground, but this has been one of the things I just can’t budge on even if it’s uncomfortable in that moment.

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everywhere and nowhere
2 hours ago, Generalist said:

It would really help to have advice and support from ace friends, and also aces online. Especially advice from asexual aromantics who are really confident and have a lot of experience being their own ambassadors to the world. How did you become confident? Is the secret just tons of social skills?

I'm not aromantic, but my social life is close to that of die-hard aromantics: I have never been in a relationship. In fact, this is an area where my confidence wanes, I regret that there seems to be something about me which pushes people away. However, I'm very confident about simply having a right to live my life as I want to. I'm open about being effectively asexual and about having never had sex because of how such models are socially invisible and the existence of sexually inexperienced adults is met with disbelief. In fact, I'm proud to have never had sex because of all the sociocultural pressure which leads a lot of people to have unwanted sex. So I'm proud to resist this pressure, to respect my inner feelings more than social norms.

However, I think that it all began much earlier. Thanks to a whole process which began very early, I hardly ever had a desire to conform and "fit in", don't fear being in the minority. (I like this quote by some American politician: "As a left-handed, homosexual Jew, I never felt a part of any majority". ;)) I call this process "the revelation of rebellion" because it somehow came from beyond me, like a true mystical revelation. I had moderate support in my family - my parents never were any particular non-conformists themselves, but they were also not ones who would exert pressure on me to do things I reject. My father is now dead, my mom has probably long ago accepted the fact that I will never "start a family", have children or marry. At this point I'm also open to her about having an emotional preference for women, but nevertheless I'm not in any relationship and she has come to terms with my choices, because she knows that she can't change them.

By the way, I consider my social skills fairly low. I'm quite a loner, spend a lot of time by myself, I have few friends, hate parties... But I have just the right amount of pride, non-conformism, obstinacy and self-respect to stand by my choices and just not be ashamed of being different from the majority.

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Strange-quark

Whoa, that is one delicious coming out cake! I'm happy for your decision and wish I could be as brave!

 

You're warmly welcome to AVEN: here's some cake for you too

(btw you can add images by copying the link to the picture [yes, it has to be online as far as I know], then clicking Insert other media > Insert image from URL and pasting)

nature-cake-20.jpg

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I'mTheDecoy
9 hours ago, Generalist said:

Now I'm going to act as if I'm out, instead of worrying. In the sense that, I'll be me, and if anyone asks about my reactions, I'll tell them. I hope I get polite reactions, but if I don't, I'll deal.

That's kind of how I 'came out'.  I didn't explicitly come out, I just don't hide my sexuality.  It's there for people to see if they go looking for it.  Unfortunately I didn't know I was ace until I was about 30.  if I had know when I was 12 then I guess I would have had some kind of coming out thing, as my gay friends all did.  Seems kind of redundant now I'm in my 30s.

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Welcome! 

20 hours ago, Strange-quark said:

btw you can add images by copying the link to the picture [yes, it has to be online as far as I know], then clicking Insert other media > Insert image from URL and pasting

Pro tip it usually automatically becomes a picture if you just paste the url or a picture directly in, and then asks if you’d prefer plain text ;) 

Purple-Ombre-Layer-Cake-4.jpg

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On 7/16/2019 at 8:56 AM, Strange-quark said:

Whoa, that is one delicious coming out cake! I'm happy for your decision and wish I could be as brave!

 

You're warmly welcome to AVEN: here's some cake for you too

(btw you can add images by copying the link to the picture [yes, it has to be online as far as I know], then clicking Insert other media > Insert image from URL and pasting)

nature-cake-20.jpg

 

4 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! 

Pro tip it usually automatically becomes a picture if you just paste the url or a picture directly in, and then asks if you’d prefer plain text ;) 

Purple-Ombre-Layer-Cake-4.jpg

Thank you! 

mzmgro43o0l63ss4sree.jpg

Sweet.

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On 7/16/2019 at 4:04 AM, AceMissBehaving said:

As for making the labels work for me instead of against me, I try to put the focus less on what I don’t feel/want, and more on what I do.

This is great. Can you give me an example of what you'd say and how they'd usually react?

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AceMissBehaving
4 minutes ago, Generalist said:

This is great. Can you give me an example of what you'd say and how they'd usually react?

So instead of focusing solely on the fact I don't experience sexual attraction or desire, I'll talk about that, but then also talk about how I actually do experience attraction and what that means to me. For example how some people have this vibrant energy that I personally find captivating. Maybe it's that they have a passion for a particular goal that makes them light up when they talk about it. I find that amongst other things makes me want to have more of them in my life. Instead of wanting to share energy and intimacy though sex, I feel this desire to exist as kind of mutual muses. To share a space where we can combine that energy through conversations, actions, humor etc and become more. Inspire and support each other, build each other up, and create a space that's ours and fits how we wish the world could be. 

The abridged version if the person is more of a casual acquaintance, or just curious rando might just be a "I don't feel drawn to anyone sexually, but some people just have this energy I find thrilling, and it makes me want to have more of them in my life to see what we could build"

 

 

Hard to say on reactions, so far most people who know I'm ace already know a good bit about what that means so I haven't had to win anyone over so far. The only difficult one was when I came out to my partner about being ace and it seemed to help. At first he felt rejected because of the lack of sexual desire, which made perfect sense, but did at least he was then able to understand that he is still special to me, and not someone who I could just replace with anyone.

 

Some of it is for me too. It seems really easy for people to feel down about being ace or aro from thinking about the things they might be missing out on. To me keeping a positive focus reminds me that I might not "get" the sexual world, but frankly I'm rich enough without it.

 

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4 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

So instead of focusing solely on the fact I don't experience sexual attraction or desire, I'll talk about that, but then also talk about how I actually do experience attraction and what that means to me. For example how some people have this vibrant energy that I personally find captivating. Maybe it's that they have a passion for a particular goal that makes them light up when they talk about it. I find that amongst other things makes me want to have more of them in my life. Instead of wanting to share energy and intimacy though sex, I feel this desire to exist as kind of mutual muses. To share a space where we can combine that energy through conversations, actions, humor etc and become more. Inspire and support each other, build each other up, and create a space that's ours and fits how we wish the world could be. 

The abridged version if the person is more of a casual acquaintance, or just curious rando might just be a "I don't feel drawn to anyone sexually, but some people just have this energy I find thrilling, and it makes me want to have more of them in my life to see what we could build"

 

 

Hard to say on reactions, so far most people who know I'm ace already know a good bit about what that means so I haven't had to win anyone over so far. The only difficult one was when I came out to my partner about being ace and it seemed to help. At first he felt rejected because of the lack of sexual desire, which made perfect sense, but did at least he was then able to understand that he is still special to me, and not someone who I could just replace with anyone.

 

Some of it is for me too. It seems really easy for people to feel down about being ace or aro from thinking about the things they might be missing out on. To me keeping a positive focus reminds me that I might not "get" the sexual world, but frankly I'm rich enough without it.

 

Thanks! I guess I should make sure they know I still like people, even if I don't like them romantically or sexually. That could get confused, maybe they'd think the orientation is some kind of rejection of everything.

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AceMissBehaving
2 minutes ago, Generalist said:

Thanks! I guess I should make sure they know I still like people, even if I don't like them romantically or sexually. That could get confused, maybe they'd think the orientation is some kind of rejection of everything.

People in general seem to need a lot of reassurance when presented with ideas foreign to them.    

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NickyTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I didn't know any other Asexuals either until I joined the community.
And I've known that I'm Asexual since I was around 14, and I'm now 34.

 

On 7/16/2019 at 8:18 AM, Generalist said:

It would really help to have advice and support from ace friends, and also aces online. Especially advice from asexual aromantics who are really confident and have a lot of experience being their own ambassadors to the world. How did you become confident? Is the secret just tons of social skills?

How do you make the label work for you and not against you?

In my case, I accept adversity and as a result, face it directly without reservation.

I still feel things deeply, though.

 

On 7/16/2019 at 8:18 AM, Generalist said:

I've never posted on a forum. How do you add pictures of cake?! 

One way is to use the "Insert other media" option that someone else suggested, but you can also paste the direct link to an image directly into your text, and the forum automatically displays it.
A direct link is one that ends in the file type ('.jpg', '.gif', etc.) not the domain ('.com', '.co.uk', etc.).
If you're finding images with a Google image search, then you can obtain the direct link by left-clicking on the desired image, then right-clicking on it and selecting to open the image in a new tab.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Gravity-Defying Ladybird Cake,

llgktm5mizkdj3h3g19v.jpg

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Grey-Ace Ventura
On 7/16/2019 at 3:18 AM, Generalist said:

Hi. I'm M.

 

*Imagine a hundred-layer cake with swags of frosting and a bajillion marzipan ace flags*

 

My life needs more asexual people in it! Right now there's just one (me), and unfortunately no one I know would be sympathetic if they knew.

I've known about my being asexual since I was twelve (25 now). I like my black ring and I wear it often.

So what prompted me to join up on Aven now? It's part of a more general project for me to engage with the world. I've been taking my cues from it about what sides of me to show, which is a bad idea I do not recommend.

Now I'm going to act as if I'm out, instead of worrying. In the sense that, I'll be me, and if anyone asks about my reactions, I'll tell them. I hope I get polite reactions, but if I don't, I'll deal.

 

It would really help to have advice and support from ace friends, and also aces online. Especially advice from asexual aromantics who are really confident and have a lot of experience being their own ambassadors to the world. How did you become confident? Is the secret just tons of social skills?

How do you make the label work for you and not against you?

 

I've never posted on a forum. How do you add pictures of cake?! 

 

I'll be going to the meet-up section (Ottawa, Canada).

 

And I'm excited that asexual representation is getting better! I like Shortland St. and Bojack Horseman, and I haven't read "Jughead" yet, but it's on my list.

 

The reason I called myself Generalist is I am on a mission to find 'the generalists'-- people who generalise instead of specialise.

 

Thanks

 

I'm not aromantic or necessarily asexual because I'm grey, but I think the key to having confidence is to really accept your label and all parts of your personality, not just the parts you think the world wants to see. There will be people who won't like you because of something about your personality or your (a)sexual and (a)romantic orientations, but what's the point of trying to show them what they want to see to avoid them disliking you? If people are worthy of being in your life, they'll like you for ALL of you. It's far too much effort to keep up different filters for different people, and why put in all the effort if they're not worth it?

 

I also don't think that confidence is based on social skills, because the most confident people don't try to impress others. They're completely comfortable with themselves and try to live up to their own standards, not those of others.

 

I hope that helped!

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AceMissBehaving
2 hours ago, Strange-quark said:

@AceMissBehaving beautiful words, helped me too and made me feel worthy :) 

I’m glad I could help 🖤

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