omnichromia Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 Hi! I'm new and I'd like to share my story. Still going through a LOT, but I feel like putting myself out into a welcoming community will help. Also half-doing this to prepare for therapy. Sorry it's so long. I grew up very sheltered. I was born and raised the youngest in a nuclear family (mom, dad, boy, girl, removed from extended families) housed in a series of beat-up RVs, apartments, and couch surfing. My family was famous for being exceptionally skilled in a mostly unimportant craftwork trade. I matured in a community with a lot of "hustler type" people, that constantly tried to motivate me with adages that really just made me end up uncomfortable; my faaavorite being "I bet you're gonna get all the girls when you grow up, little man!" I really never had any interest in having sex, but I always thought that was something between being too young, or being too woke to objectify women. Growing up I was always told "it's okay if you're gay! You can tell us!" and I never really thought much of it. I knew I liked girls, but I just didn't think sex was something to see as a goal. Fast forward to a little under 4 years ago. Definitely not due to totally irrelevant Political differences with my father (oh no, I voted for Bernie in the primaries instead of Hillary! Oh god, the horror!) I was finally kicked out on my own, and this is when I realized that I am a complete and total mess inside. I was over 18, and began my self-discovery years. Multiple things amplified in this time, such as my love for video games and computers, my fashion sense, and a strange obsession bordering on addiction to hentai. I didn't care what kind it was, nsfw artwork of any kind was what I lived for. I had no idea what made it so interesting to me. I had no interest in ordinary porn whatsoever, and honestly thought "real people porn" was disgusting, but my hentai folder was at least 60gb at some point. Eventually I realized that it doesn't really affect me sexually. I really like it, as art, but it's not like I got a boner every time I saw it. For some reason, I thought this was erectile dysfunction, which was a bummer, because I'm so young. It's not. I digress... In depressed social desperation, I made the single most questionable decision of my life: I was lonely, so I downloaded Tinder. I had quite literally no idea how else to meet people. Eventually, I met a wonderful girl that just moved to town, who I won't name. We hit it off instantly and, going way too fast, we were in an official relationship in about a week. We moved in together, had a lot of sex, and talked about life for three whole years while we figured ourselves out. During this time, I started to question my sexuality. Was I bi? I know I like guys, in theory, and I definitely like some guys, but not all of them. I identified as Bi, and life got better, but I couldn't find myself being attracted to any men enough to do anything about it. I knew I was queer in some way, but I couldn't figure it out. My girl continued to make friends, and as she made more queer friends I found myself trying on queer identities like a dressing room. Was I an egg? No, although being AFAB sounds nice, I like being a guy. Was I nonbinary? No, I definitely identify as male. Was I even Bi? Was I Pan? Was I a closet hetero?? It was disorienting. Eventually, she decided to have a talk about polyamory. I thought I would be into it, and I let her try it, but every time she flirted with anyone else, I felt like I was missing something. Like the relationship itself, with all of its features, was somehow far lesser now. I talked to her about it, and she said that she's the happiest she's ever been, so I let her figure herself out, and I just dealt with being uncomfortable for a while. Through this I really tried to, as she encouraged me again and again, find what I wanted in other people. I felt very uncomfortable talking about sex, and had no idea how to bring the topic of sex up with anyone, so that didn't really work... This April, a huge "thing" happened in my life, and I finally freed myself from my family, that business, the life I had, and she and I moved in to our own apartment, alone together, finally. (before, it was living with my sister, then with my family on an estate they now own) Immediately after, she discovered she's Aromantic! It's really great that she figured that out about herself, and I'm truly glad that she understands herself better, but this caused turmoil in our relationship. I had no idea what was missing, but she just wasn't giving me the things that I need, and I was giving her something she's uncomfortable with (and I didn't know what those were!) She had about 6 other partners by this point, and multiple of them were interested in me, and I was confused, had no idea what to do with my feelings, and it was a mess. I tried to seek comfort by attempting to "break out of my shell" with some of her partners, and I just felt very, very uncomfortable about all of it and I had no idea why. And then, one day, on a hunch, I decided to google "Demisexual", a term I heard once and had no idea what it meant. I realized it might be something close to figuring me out, but denied it. "I'm not asexual, I have sex! I like porn! I masturbate! I like people sexually. I have a friend who's asexual and I'm nothing like them. No way this is it." ahh, I could smell the closet. "I'm not uncomfortable with sex, it's just that all the people that want to fuck me aren't my type!" yeah, smells like tears and snot. I decided to go to AVEN anyway though, just to check it out. Maybe I am Demi? Can't hurt to check what the hell that even means, right? I did hours and hours of research, jumping from link to link on the forums and I had a couple long conversations with my two ace friends, and... Honestly? I'm the happiest I think I've ever been, ever. Understanding the five types of attraction helped me understand my emotions so, so much better, and looking back on my life it makes me so happy to finally understand why I've felt so uncomfortable with all those specific little things. The post about what doesn't affect your asexuality helped me come to terms with my identity, and the rule saying no one else can tell me if I'm Ace or if I'm not was frustrating at first, but when I finally realized the purpose, it helped me feel self-confidence in a way I never have before. All the loving support that this community has written and all of the resources that this place gives me is so wonderful and I love all of you! Thank you for providing me with a filter to see my world through that finally allows me to understand myself. I'm so proud I could cry. I finally feel free! To add; I know I'm Demisexual because... I don't think I feel sexual attraction at all. I really don't see what the big deal with sex is, full stop. I enjoy the physical pleasure that comes from it, but I have no desire for it. What's more important to me is romantic attraction, and through it, I can feel comfortable experiencing sensual attraction. I have a high libido, and find my friends attractive, but even when they offer, I don't want to fuck them. I feel uncomfortable with anyone around me talking about sex in a blunt way, and I don't enjoy being naked, being sexualized, or sexualizing others. I enjoy hentai so much because of its romantic and aesthetic emulations, but when I need it it is nice to have an avenue for my sexual side to not have to interact with other humans. The next step? What this truly means for me as a person, how it's going to change the relationships I have with my friends, and how to handle the "dating scene" as a Demi. I'm really looking forward to reading everything you all have told here and going through my own journey of discovery. Thanks for reading, it feels amazing to finally be able to tell my story. I'm gonna go have some cake! 😄 Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 Hello and welcome. I am glad that you have found us, and hope that you enjoy being part of the community. Have some cake! 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 I'm wondering: why are you calling your friends "sluts"? That's not a real friendly term. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 Yeah. Even when I'm big on reclaiming the term "slut", I have to admit confusion why you used it in your title. Kind of seems like click bait. Link to post Share on other sites
omnichromia Posted July 16, 2019 Author Share Posted July 16, 2019 Oh no! That's fair, my bad. My friends are very comfortable with the term, and use it to refer to themselves, each other, and others like them often and are quite proud of it. It's in my daily vocabulary at this point and I suppose I was wrong to assume I could use it here as I do among my friend group... Sorry I didn't mean anything by it! Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 Welcome! Oh we were just checking that they were okay with being called sluts, otherwise it would have a very harsh connotation - but since they’re okay with it and actively use it then it’s ok Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 A belated welcome to AVEN! I'm happy that the site has helped you to understand yourself. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Demigod Cake, Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.