I want a super ultra best friend

[grazingsheep]

Ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted one best friend. as I grew older i would have a smaller group of friends and starting at high school, I basically just had one best friend i would spend all my time with. I also went out of my way to ward people away since I started hating people around that time, I've grown since then. My best friend of seven years who i was around all the time started dating this boring dude, we spent less time together got in a fight, then after her wedding we never spoke again. this is apparently pretty common, and its horrifying to me. I always valued friendship as the most important relationship, and I LOVED my friends, but having such a long friendship ended by some really boring romance just.... broke my expectation for friendships.

 

My friends have always been the most important people in my life, I only made friends with people who i got along fantastically with, but I was never their most important person. their romantic partner came in first, even if they were extremely dull or abusive people. I hate this. I'm working on seeing friendships as varied, I can be friends with people im not BEST friends with, but I also want a BEST friend. Someone who will see me as important to them, as they are to me. but I also... dont? want that? it sounds too romantic, and it freaks me out when people see me in any sexual way. I don't really know, I feel like there isnt a word for what i want, I've heard of QPR, but that sounds weird, I... just want some perspective from people

 

in a world where dating is peoples priority, I feel like I won't find someone like that. I dont need it to survive, I dont know

[Auld_Mulk]

@grazingsheep

Quote

I dont need it to survive

... but want it to thrive. 

 

I hear you.  My parents and my best friend's parents use to say we shared a brain.  I lost half my brain. 

[grazingsheep]

@Auld_Mulk exactly, I mean, I spent several years without any friends, pretty much in isolation apart from my parents, and I lived, i was pretty happy. its just so nice to have  a best friend.

 

I had a friend who I tried to get out of an abusive relationship, and we got along SO well, and she had nothing to talk about with her boyfriend, nothing at all, she told this to me. So I just dont understand, why pick HIM over me? this drive for allo people to cling onto boring or harmful people, for... security or something I just dont understand. It just breaks my heart that I'm not enough. 

 

I thought about trying to make ACE friends but there are so few ace people in the world :/ its tough enough meeting people I click with, the chances they will be ace is so small. I don't even understand what exactly i want 

[Auld_Mulk]

...strumming my pain with [her] fingers ...

...sing my life with [her] words ...

...killing me softly with [her] song ...

 

I know we as best friends can never compete at the level of a SO.  How do we?  We cannot.  I do not understand either.  Your frustration, peppered with the death of a great friendship, confuses you because you cannot find your mistake.  You did nothing wrong.  We just have no way of being more right in those situations. 

 

I'm still closeted so looking for Aces in the wild public spaces is somewhat complicated.  Not sure how true 1% is but damn Aces are expert at blending in.  I might have seen one but then again it might have been bigfoot too.  [Did that joke sound force? meh]

 

Anyway, you are not alone in these situations, confusion and feelings.  For what it's worth. 

[Guest]

The world is set up so that people should want to have partners and view that as the goal of their lives (partner + a few kids). Sure, some of it is biology, but a lot of it is society. It's hard to compete against that.

 

I get what you mean though, I've only ever had one friend that I cared about and got attached to, she's not married or anything yet, but we split at a point, and nowadays we see each other maybe twice a year instead of ever day as we did as kids.

 

I have 0 hopes of finding a "best friend", it just seems so hard when people my age are getting children or are focusing on their career. I just don't feel like I can relate to them at all. Also, I'm not the easiest one to get to know irl, I stick to myself and don't really go anywhere except for work and the grocery store.

[Guest]

I love best friendship too. It is one of the most sweetest parts of life. Similar to the unconditional love you get from a mother. Till this day I regret turning on a best friend I had. I apologized to her, but our friendship never recovered. She is still the best person I have ever met, saw the best parts of me, and wanted the best for me. We were a team, and laughed and wanted the best for each other.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Marian the Herbalist said:

I have 0 hopes of finding a "best friend", it just seems so hard when people my age are getting children or are focusing on their career. I just don't feel like I can relate to them at all. Also, I'm not the easiest one to get to know irl, I stick to myself and don't really go anywhere except for work and the grocery store.

I feel you. This modern life sucks, doesn't it?

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, sallimae76 said:

I feel you. This modern life sucks, doesn't it?

It is what it is. I'm not terribly affected by it (loner here), but sure, it would be nice if it was easier to make friends.

[Guest]

I use to be a satisfied loner, but now my heart aches for intimacy, meaning friends, and maybe a sexless boyfriend, at times. I don't know what happened.

[firewallflower]

I wish I had words of wisdom to share with you, but... good lord, this post describes so many of my feelings so accurately. When I try to envision my ideal relationship, what it pretty much comes down to is a "best friend forever," in the truest sense of the word. I want to be someone's mutual "first."

Sometimes, I think I desire a romantic relationship, but then when I break down what I'm feeling and longing for, I'm pretty sure it's actually romance (whatever that even is... I've got a bit of quoiro going on there 😛)—and it's certainly not sex—it's that a romantic relationship seems like the closest culturally available thing to what I really want.

 

I don't easily (understatement of the generation!) connect with people past the point of friendly acquaintanceship, and when it does happen, it feels so special and rare to me that I think that contributes to my desire to be as important to them as I feel they are to me. But of course, even the most loving friend is highly unlikely to be aro/ace, so the odds that I'd connect with someone who also just so happened to not be with or seeking a romantic partner to be the most important person in their lives are... well, rather infinitesimal odds.

 

Fortunately, I've never been in the position of having a close friend in an abusive relationship—I can only imagine how painful that would be. Still, even when a friend's relationship is such that I'm genuinely happy for them and supportive of their relationship because they're my friend and them being happy gives me happiness (and even if I've met, and liked, their partner! and even if objectively I know I'm not being "abandoned"), amidst all that positive there's a touch of... bittersweet? Loneliness? Inadequacy?I honestly don't know quite what it is. Sometimes I worry I'm just jealous (and feel guilty because of it), and perhaps in a sense I am, but it's not particularly that I want what they have, and definitely not that I want them to lose what they have. I just want something other, with someone, which I recognize almost certainly isn't going to come true, and that can hurt.

 

On a more hopeful note, though... if we sitting here on the AVEN forums are all longing for that before-all-else best friend, there have got to be others out there as well. So perhaps it's not quite so hopeless as it may feel.

[firewallflower]

18 minutes ago, sallimae76 said:

I use to be a satisfied loner, but now my heart aches for intimacy, friends, and maybe a sexless boyfriend, at times. I don't know what happened.

I don't know either, but it happened to me too. Sometime in the past year, I think I went from being a sometimes-lonely, mostly-satisfied loner to a sometimes-satisfied, mostly-lonely loner. Ah, heartache...

[grazingsheep]

@Auld_Mulk  finding aces is... pretty impossible lol, low numbers and no real signifiers. Plus, I hate coming out, so i try to do it as little as possible :/ this world wasn't made for us, its frustrating

 

@Marian the Herbalist I'm 26 right now, and the older i get, the more people around me will start slotting into expected family life :/ all the cool things we used to do will no longer be possible. its bad enough with how much adult responsibilities take up time, but when people start having babies. not to be a dick, but people start becoming very boring very quickly. I've seen it.... It's not pretty.

 

@sallimae76 I was a satisfied loner, but I just function better with friends. I do so much more with a friend. I like learning and discussing things with friends, doing crazy things im too chicken to do by my self. 

 

@firewallflower Its funny how I used to get jealous when my best friend would do stuff with other people, but she would always do MOST everything with me. and that jealousy eventually moved to frustration and a bit of anger. I have always been cooler than all my friends SO, thats not me hyping myself up, for some reason all their BFs have been extremly lame. so WHY NOT ME???? why are they choosing these super boring dudes to be with???? they have never gotten along as well as we have. its so crazy frustrating, I absolutely dont understand. my brother said between hanging out with friends and having sex, of course my friend would leave me for the later. this pisses me off so much. not to hate on sex (but I have NO one i could possibly talk about this with) but this stupid act is good you'd choose it over the person you have so much more fun with??? youd choose it with someone who beats you and has none of the same interests as you over someone you love spending time with???? 

 

honestly.... this has made me hate sex..... but.... thats a whole other discussion thats.... pointless in an allo world lol. there really isnt anything that can be done about this. these things that frustrate me are just human biology, I'm frustrated by a world that wasn't build for me, and there is nothing I can do about it. do I go on some ace dating site looking for a friend????? lmao good luck

 

 

[firewallflower]

@grazingsheep Interesting! I can't say I relate to the anger side of things—because again, seeing that people I care for made happy by their partners and relationships makes me happy on their behalf, even if it does also intensify certain feelings of loneliness; plus, thanks to low self-esteem I tend to operate from the assumption that I am inferior in every way to everyone else, so couldn't justify resentment even if I wanted to—but I'm sorry you're feeling so much frustration here.

 

It sounds like some of your friends have had unfortunate relationship situations, to say the least, and I would assume that the more negative the relationship, the more negative its impact on friendships/other interpersonal relations. With that said, despite the sense of hopelessness (which again, I definitely relate to), it can be helpful to bear in mind that romance and friendship don't always have to conflict. For example, one of my closest friends has been in a relationship with her partner for over a year, and if anything our friendship has grown stronger than ever! So, I try not to mentally make these things a competition; that's not going to help anyone, least of all myself. The few friendships I have mean a lot to me, and the fact that the friend is dating doesn't change that. Someday, I'd love to find a best friend/platonic partner of sorts, and it makes me sad to think that that probably won't happen... but that doesn't lessen the value of the friendships I do have.

 

Hang in there, all!

[grazingsheep]

@firewallflower aw man, I find that people with low self esteem are some of the kindest most interesting people.... or like... incels lol, but you seem to be the former. Most of my friend's SO have just been LAME, super boring dudes. I havent had a lot of friends, when i find one best friend I stick with them. I'm gonna be honest with you, I've heard people talk about getting older and losing their friends because they are in different stages of their lives. couples lose their former school friends, then they have a baby and replace their work friends with parent friends. its a trend. I hate to be a downer but I have to prepare my self for this. Hopefully we all find awesome people who are more than predictable trends but..... yeah

[Guest]

53 minutes ago, grazingsheep said:

@Marian the Herbalist I'm 26 right now, and the older i get, the more people around me will start slotting into expected family life 😕 all the cool things we used to do will no longer be possible. its bad enough with how much adult responsibilities take up time, but when people start having babies. not to be a dick, but people start becoming very boring very quickly. I've seen it.... It's not pretty.

I'm 27, I don't really have any friends that are close, but everyone I know that's around my age, except for two people, have gotten babies or partners, and yep, kids definitely make people more boring, everything is about the kids (which I kinda get, but still).

[Cryowolf]

Man all of you i feel like read my biography and decided to have a book club about it and how you interpreted it cause damn everything you all have said and shared just speaks me. all of my past friends who i got close to ended up in relationships. with some boring dudes that even as a dude myself i just cant relate probably cause i act way more feminine like then other men. which for some has wondered if i was gay or not and back before i found out i was asexual whenever a guy pointed out some "hot babe" i be like damn she has a nice outfit i wish i could wear that. much to the huge confusion of men i was around. so i kind of stopped hanging out with guys and just stuck to girls cause they accepted my odd queerness better. but then those friends would find a guy fall in love and before you know it i no longer got invites or text messages really the few that even bothered i was once in there life would only talk to me if the guy there with is being a jerk and i had to help them out. but once my therapy sessions where no longer needed back to being alone again and i hated it

now after all these years. i have at least two guy friends who dont disrespect women like there meat bags but i can never be close with them the way i would like to because there still very much "im tough man! me no cry! harbor feelings i must" so i can never get close to them. and im like can i find at least man or women who i can super close buddies with!?
 

1 hour ago, firewallflower said:

it's that a romantic relationship seems like the closest culturally available thing to what I really want.

this is actually something i recently started struggling with in terms of wither i should identity as aro or not. i feel like what i want which is a deep and close friendship comes off as being i want a romantic relationship. but i feel i just want a strong connection with someone. a person to go on adventures with. to try all kinds of food and never have to worry about them finding someone romantically and leaving me in the dust. its like i want a forever friend that wont leave me but every "friend" that i have all appear to be allo and even with the one demi friend i have. i still feel put on the back burner cause she has a man and there are times where its like. sorry i would love to chill but my man needs me so peace bro. and i dont know it feels like crap. im hoping as i start representing myself as ace as i do have two bracelets coming in the mail showing off im ace but also plans on making my own black ring maybe ill find more aces like me but considering how low in numbers we are and just everyone ive met so far has been allo i feel like i shouldnt hold out hope or else be disappointed

[Temeraire]

12 hours ago, grazingsheep said:

don't really know, I feel like there isnt a word for what i want, I've heard of QPR, but that sounds weird, I... just want some perspective from people

I'm not an expert but I'm in a QPR for a few years now I guess. QPR for me personally means that I want to spend my life with my best friend(who is luckily also ace).  and I often struggle explaining that she is the most important person to me and it's more important than just friendship. There is like zero romance (because yikes) but we're both hoping of being able to live together again soon and adopting a dog together. Even if I was in a romantic relationship my best friend ranks higher in my priority list. That's what QPR is for me and Idk, I think it's better than a romantic relationship? Because it's more about companionship. 

[grazingsheep]

@Cryowolf even tho I dress like an idiot and look as ace as you could imagine, guys still hit on me? which is odd and i hate it. It makes me distrust male friends, which sucks because I'd love to have male freinds :/ I once had a male friend who like... jokingly????? proposed doing it????? and ... I dont know. I have being seen in any sexual way :/ man this allo world pisses me off. 

 

19 hours ago, Cryowolf said:

a person to go on adventures with.

this yes. I like doing crazy things and some not so super legal things. I want someone who would do that with me, and be down and excited to. I want someone i can lean on and watch TV but not sleep in the same bed with or whatever. I've thought about ace meet ups but being ace isnt really something I want to bond with someone about :/ I once went to a meet up for introverts and it suuuucked. 

 

@Temeraire Thats really cool! that sounds like something I would like. I'm really weary when it comes to intimacy, so anything romantic makes me feel icky (I feel like a 5 year old typing that).  It's so odd to have this feeling that there isnt really a word for that I can't even fully describe my self 

[grazingsheep]

This might sound super lame. But when my best friend of 7 years left me for her lame ass husband, I just kept thinking about that spice girls song, wannabe. 

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever, friendship never ends

I used to think it "yeah! there is nothing greater than friendship  :D" but NO, my sweet naive little ace self was wrong. in this world, friendship doesnt last forever. you can easily be replaced by someone much 'lesser' than you. It killed me, I felt so betrayed lmao

 

the last time I saw my friend who was in an abusive relationship, she had me listen to this song called baby by bishop briggs. she had just broken it off with him (she went back eventually and doesnt reply to any of my messages so shes either dead or ran away somewhere) and she talked about how sad this song made her. it makes me so very sad too. It just represents everything I hate about humanity lol, well, about relationships anyways i guess

[Cryowolf]

@grazingsheep yeah thats really some of the most messed up things about this allo world. one of the things that really get under my skin is the fact some allo people i know would make a comment on when i hang out with someone who is female and they have this idea in there mind i must be into her by being near her. im like no i dont even think about that im just hanging with a person whats so wrong with that? yet i bring up the fact i hang out with them and do people think where gay? do you think we are gay? no you dont cause i dont like you romantically or sexually i like you as a friend although now im starting to second guess that if thats how your gonna view me hanging out with someone of the opposite gender. and unfortunately of course ive met allo men who where very much as you described as seeing anyone sexually it could be there cloths or there face whatever it is they have that mindset of "ill tap that" and it grossed me out so i stay way the hell away from those people but its sad theres many out there who will treat you or see you that way when you just want to meet a friend who is hopefully cool.

and same doing things with friends is always a fun experience. like road trips or trying out a new restaurant that was always my jam. maybe watch a movie after we all cook a large dinner for everyone oh man that was so fun! sadly i sometimes want to break into an abandon house and see if we can find ghosts or something creepy even though i dont belive in such things but its super fun to think about but my friends are like nah man we could get arrested and im like ugh... lame! the only "daring" thing we ever did was go to a cemetary at night oooo scary but it was at least something and the cemetary had some amazing head stones must have been really expensive but really its hard to find good people who want that long lasting forever friendship and since my closest friends are all allo they have plans on finding that one man or women and i fear its gonna end up like the other friends i had who stopped talking to me once they found there "soul mate" like ew! can we get back to playing D&D or video games cause you guys are starting to suck xD 

[grazingsheep]

@Cryowolf I like doing things like that too! I wish i was more daring when I was a teenager haha, not now when there are more consequences to my action haha

I know this guy who told me all these crazy stories of stuff he did in high school and I'm like man! lets do crazy stuff :^D but he has a wife and kid (another on the way) and he just doenst have it in him any more. he has all these people who he's responsible for and people become stagnant when they enter a relationship. gawd. 

[certified_space_ace]

21 hours ago, Cryowolf said:

this is actually something i recently started struggling with in terms of wither i should identity as aro or not. i feel like what i want which is a deep and close friendship comes off as being i want a romantic relationship. but i feel i just want a strong connection with someone. a person to go on adventures with. to try all kinds of food and never have to worry about them finding someone romantically and leaving me in the dust.

THIS! A thousand times this. I just can't figure out if what I want actually is a romantic relationship and I'm struggling to see that because out culture links romance so strongly with sex or if I'm aro and these feelings are just coming from a place of fear because everyone prioritizes romance over friendship.

 

[Cryowolf]

@grazingsheep lol i know right? man if i was a teen again i would want to get in so much trouble just for the fun of. it be like an episode of scooby doo! curse my shyness. now that im older its like ah man get in trouble now and it goes on my records doesnt that suck ugh... oh well at least i got the show stranger things and just watch that pretend im dealing with monsters and such xD but definitively once you have responsibility such as kids or a job. such fun times kind is over. one can still go out on adventures and maybe explore the world a bit provided you have the money but it is a little harder. not impossible but hard. boo adulting!

@certified_space_ace oof yes i hear you. even today i was struggling with this idea. because yes culture links romance with sex a lot. so for allo people they dont see the diffence where as with some aces they never once thought to see the two as the same. now not all aces are the same and each experience varies but it seemed that if you have no desire to have sex with this person you see right in front of you thats generally a sign your ace but again not all experiences are the same and the asexual spectrum ranges quite a bit but it seems romance has always been the tricky subject. how can you tell the difference between liking someone cause there cool and you connect well and if you like someone cause you want to romantically be with that person. it seems no matter who i ask the answer seems to be very different some claim there aro cause they dont like romantic things such as gifts and such. some say they dont like touching so there touch repulsed and others like me i like giving my friends gifts and hugging them or holding there hands but because culture dictates such behavior as romantic therefore me doing it means im romantic as well. i think much study is needed to be able to figure out just whats the difference between loving your friends and loving them in a romantic way. but currently it seems even in allosexual friendships that bridge is always tricky with them as well cause they too grew up in these cultures as well so it becomes hard to form platonic and queer/quasi platonic relationships. 

for now after talking to a friend who identifies with demisexual we both agreed based off of what i experience and how i treat my friends im gonna go under the title of Pan Aromantic Asexual something i wasnt sure i could call myself until i realize. well Pan means all as in all genders and thats true sense i do love all people provided there not horrible or evil. then theres aro which is just non romantic and asexual which is non sexual so in short. i want to be friends with everyone and nothing more xD

actually i need to change that in my profile since im not panromantic anymore lol

also sorry you where turn into a Psyduck must have been a real headache

[Mythos1]

This thread resonates with me so much. I feel less alone due to all you beautiful people. God, I'm on the verge of tears here!

 

I too lost virtually all my friends due to marriages and here's me, a 26 year old, wasting her life because I haven't had sex or I haven't got a SO.

 

I am just so sick and tired of platonic relationships being beaten down and I hate that I can't be friends with a guy without someone assuming we're dating. 

[Auld_Mulk]

Alright, all you young ones.  Positivity time. 

 

You have two huge advantages on your side from what I see.  You have time.  Look over at the success stories thread and just yesterday I read another thread about a young woman discovering her feelings for a longtime ace BFF.  Very heart warming and positive ...and makes our fears of the impossible, irrelevant, because she is proof what we want is possible.

 

The other thing you have is knowledge.  You know your aceness.  I hadn't even considered anything but heterosexual until the beginning of this year, trying miserably to play a role I couldn't understand.  I stumble around blind for the longest time looking for the wrongest thing (for me).  I am not saying life would be perfect had I know 20 years ago when I was your age, but certainly a lot different.  Own your aceness and focus on what is there; your heart, your ability to devote yourself to your 'one' person, and everything you could share with another human being on this pale blue dot. 

 

We (yes, me include) need to step outside our comfort zones a bit, risk a little and find new friends.  "To know what life is worth you have to risk it once in awhile" - Sartre.

[Cryowolf]

@Mythos1 oof big mood right there

@Auld_Mulk huh i didnt know there was a success story thread i need to check it out cause i can use some up lifting stories from people like us who got to have that awesome friendship. i mean ive recently liked some ace meme pages on facebook and i see stories on there as well where either two friends or a small group of friends get a house together and just have the best platonic relationship ever and im like if they could do it i can do it although interesting enough its usually allosexual women who found another women to be best buds with which ill admit is a bit disheartening to see less stories where a male had the same strong bond with another male or even a female but thats again going with how society and such has shown well if your a male who bonded with another male when your gay which makes it hard for hetro males want to get close especially if they grew up in a culture that looks down on it like mind has. and that whole dumb a male chilling with a female? either the male has to be gay or they together and ugh..... so much frustration but thank you so wanting to boost the positivism  we all need that in our lives and im prepared to own my aceness however i can woo!!!

[Mythos1]

@Auld_Mulk @Cryowolf You're both right. We shouldn't wallow. Let's brace our aceness, be proud and strive towards that desired friendship we all wish for.

[3Xi3X]

This is an awesome thread and I couldn’t resist joining in.

 

Since age 6 I have had quite a few different “best friends” but even though I only have one who lives close by and is still in my life, I luckily know that if and when I come in contact with the others it’s like nothing ever changed.

 

My first bestfriend is a girl. She met me in 1st grade. We “dated” until 4th grade when she moved to a different city and school. She now lives in Texas. (I am from Connecticut.) But when she sees me or my family she is right there, like we haven’t been apart for years or divided by miles of land. 

 

In middle school I sort of bonded with this other guy because we liked to play the same video games and had a similar imagination. My family never really liked him and we dropped out of communication once we both went to two different high schools but we did see each other around town and we talked like we still had sleepovers and still played the same games.

 

in high school I wasn’t interested in being best friends with anyone but this bisexual guy sort of made me his go to person for moral support and he claimed me as his best friend, before long everyone knew that he and I we basically inseparable. Even though I was the “straight” guy.

When we graduated in 2008 I never saw him again. But my mom has bumped into him and he showed her the same love and asked about me like I just saw him the day before!

 

After that I thought I would never have a “best friend” ever again. I became the manager at my job and everyone under me became my friends but we weren’t “best” friends. I had a few other jobs and I felt like I became the loner for life.

 

i went through a phase where I played Unreal Tournamnet 2007 and became one of the “best” players in a certain play style. I would chat with my online buddies via headphone and people were happy when I logged on. I had friends that longed for me to show up to play and to talk haha. And none of them would ever ask for sex. I got lost in that for a long time.

 

Then I got invited to go to my religions spiritual headquarters for a study program and I decided to try it out. I met so many amazing people there from around the world, and one day I ended up sitting with this Dutch guy who always sat alone and didn’t talk to anyone. Haha. I forced him to let me sit with him and I just started talking to him. (I am quite the extrovert fortunately) Long story short, we became “best friends” for three years. He finished his studies and flew back to his home and it’s the first time I cried like a baby for a dude, lmao.

 

A few weeks later I went back home too and on Facebook he flipped out and practically fangirled me being able to be in constant communication with him. We had a lot of jokes but he lived in Europe and I in the US so things were different. Now he is in Australia, but when we talk, I know that he is still the same best friend. 

 

And currently I live in New York. The first person I met here is currently my closest friend. I can talk to her about anything and her me. Sometimes we go months without seeing or talking but it changes nothing.

 

i am not an expert but i think a “best friend” is someone who accepts you for who you are no matter what. It’s a big deal. And it’s special, but not rare.

 

So hopefully this is inspiring and not upsetting. You (everyone in this thread and on AVEN) can make that super friend you want too. 

[Touchofinsight]

I understand this all too well. I have always been a more esoteric person preferring a smaller number of close relationships rather then a bunch of loose friendships. The problem however honestly is marriage and dating seems to kill these friendships or relegate them to some level of oh whenever I can be bothered to make time or at least it feels that way. No matter how close we were once it seems the moment someone gets that Significant other that all too sickening "we become one" thing happens where everything has to be run through their partners. Like really aren't you still an individual with hobbies, interests etc of your own? I am not telling you to skip their birthday and just make plans but you should be able to make your own plans for the common weekend without getting "approval" seriously.

 

This is even worse when your friends are of the opposite sex and are dating/married. All of a sudden you become a problem. Oh I am sorry I thought you fell in love with the person who they were before you were around. You know all the things that make up this person you love.

 

I don't get it. I have dated, I have been married but I never abandoned others who wanted to hang out, be friends etc. Perhaps I was lucky enough to be with someone who understood the value of friendships. Grow a spine, stand up for your self  and be your own person SHARING your life  not conceding it.

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

I also couldn't resist joining this thread.

 

I've had quite a few best friends. The ones from elementary school I've lost because I moved out of the country. One from middle school just claimed me as her best friend even though I didn't feel the same way, but to my relief, she changed schools. Another from middle school who was really my best friend left because he graduated and we never exchanged phone numbers or anything. The other one from middle school I really cared about and we're still best friends now in 12th grade, but she's never put in any effort. It's always been me asking for us to hang out or me asking to go to her place, never her trying to get any time with me. She's the kind of best friend who I never see but if we talk, it's not awkward or anything, and she gives me advice and stuff, but I know I'm not her only best friend or her number one in any sense, and she just makes me feel like we're only friends because we go to the same school, so I just stopped putting in effort. We pretty much never hang out or talk, and I wouldn't really consider her my best friend anymore because of that, but statistically we're still best friends. I met another girl in 10th grade who also just claimed me as her best friend, and for a while she was a pretty good best friend, but in the last year, I basically realized that she started only being friends with me because I cared about her, but she didn't care about me at all. All of our conversations became about her, she didn't listen to what I had to say, she didn't care when I wasn't doing so good, and she pretty much just took advantage of the fact that I still cared about her. She also complained about me behind my back to my guy best friend, whom she also claimed as her best friend, and whom I also told what she said about him behind his back. I recently "broke up" with her, but since I never brought up these issues and didn't want the drama, I played it off as an "it's not you it's me" kinda thing, and her response was a simple goodbye, which told me all I needed to know and made me not feel bad about it. In the same year I met her, I had also met my guy best friend, and we both thought we'd have nothing in common, but it turned out we were kinda like twins. We got really close and unlike anyone I'd met before, he put in a lot of effort into our friendship and made me feel like being friends with me was an honor. He also stuck around despite how much of myself I shared with him, which no one had done before, and I did the same for him. We shared pretty much everything with each other and we're basically telepathic at this point. Sometimes our relationship feels romantic, despite the fact that we're both gay, because we're way too intimate and I don't know if I'll ever love a romantic partner as much as I love him.

 

I hope the story of my most recent best friend inspires you because it's definitely possible for a best friend to come before a romantic partner, even for romantic people. You CAN find the kind of best friend you want and I hope you do.